Tag Archives: dick cheney

  bless his undead heart

Megyn Kelly So Mean To Dick Cheney, UNFAIR

For the most part, we are not big fans of Fox’s Megyn Kelly. There’s just something about her head-tilted, unbelieving-skeptic pose that screams Fakey McFakerton to us, as if attitude = hard-hitting journalism. All the same, it’s kind of fun to see that pissed-off sorority-girl-who-can’t-believe-she-got-a-“C” face turned on kitten-devouring warmonkey Dick Cheney and his prop daughter Liz. Take this clip from Wednesday’s The Kelly Files, where Megs opened the segment quoting a WaPo piece asking why anyone would listen to the one person in America “who has been more wrong and more shamelessly dishonest on the topic of Iraq.” And then the mood started getting a little unfriendly. Read more on Megyn Kelly So Mean To Dick Cheney, UNFAIR…
  fuck you you fucking fuck

Dick And Liz Cheney Wax Nostalgic About How Great War Was When They Ran Things

We never remember what the paywall rules are over at the Wall Street Journal, so we can’t guarantee you’ll even be able to read the the link we’re about to yell about, but once you check out the yelling, you may not actually want to read the WSJ piece. Lord knows we wish we hadn’t. We already knew this week was Old Home Week for Iraq War Enthusiasts, thanks to Tony Blair’s lengthy piece about how much he loved invading Iraq so much that he would gay marry invading Iraq. It was really only a matter of time before someone fed Dick Cheney enough human blood that he could crawl out from his subterranean lair, scoop up his equally bloodthirsty spawn, and bludgeon one of his slaves until they ghostwrote him a WSJ thing about how kickass everything in Iraq was until the black guy came along and fucked it all up. Read more on Dick And Liz Cheney Wax Nostalgic About How Great War Was When They Ran Things…
  he regrets nothing

Tony Blair Loved Invading Iraq, Is History’s Politest Greatest Monster

What have we here? Oh, just war cheerleader/criminal/former British Prime Minister Tony Blair frantically trying to wipe the Iraqi blood off his mouth and the permanent stain off his soul by penning one bazookabillion words for The Independent about how the 2003 invasion of Iraq WAS TOO a great idea and also too anything bad that happened totally wasn’t his fault, thank you very much. Read more on Tony Blair Loved Invading Iraq, Is History’s Politest Greatest Monster…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  spill the whine

No, Dick Cheney, Wonkette Did Not Steal Your Wine

Dick Cheney is in the middle of one of his busier post-White House periods. Last fall, he waded into a bitter public feud between his two daughters when Liz, during a quixotic Senate primary run in which she attempted to attack Republican Senator Mike Enzi from the right, came out against marriage equality and provoked the ire of gay-married sister Mary. Following another failed Dick Cheney intervention, the dustup apparently ruined the down-home Cheney Family Christmas before Liz finally dropped out of the race in January. In March, Dick surfaced in Las Vegas at the Sheldon Adelson Ring-Kissing Jamboree for 2016 Wannabes (formally known as the Republican Jewish Coalition Spring Leadership Meeting). In a closed-press speech that Mother Jones naturally has a recording of, Dick lamented that Obama, along with Republicans who don’t want to bomb everything (cough Rand Paul cough), have reduced America’s standing in the Middle East. Also NSA surveillance has come in for so much criticism not because the public is upset about being spied on but because B. Barry Bamz couldn’t defend it after ObamaCare killed his credibility. “Nobody believes him, with good reason. Look what he did with healthcare.” Zing! Classic Dick! Read more on No, Dick Cheney, Wonkette Did Not Steal Your Wine…
  suck it reagan

Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie

So we all know that President B. Barry Bamz hates St. Ronald Reagan, right? It is clear, established fact that everything Nobummer does is directly related to desecrating the memory of Reagan’s lifetime of achievements. Remember when Obama was going to tear down Reagan’s childhood home using only his testicles as wrecking balls? Well apparently desecrating Reagan’s childhood home was not enough, and Obama has to go and try to wreck Reagan’s adulthood home, per WaPo: The White House has completed installing solar panels on the First Family’s residence, a process it started back in 2010. Next thing you know, he will acknowledge the existence of AIDS or something!  Read more on Obama Desecrates Reagan’s Adulthood Home With Solar Panels Because He Is A Dumb Hippie…
  nevar forget

Cover Your Body In Benghazi, Just Like God Intended

Do you feel like you’re not honoring America’s fallen heroes, the Benghazi four, enough? Would you like to honor them EVEN WHILE YOU SLEEP? Do you like to wear the kind of pajamas children wear, so you can feel sweaty and restricted by your sleepwear? “Frecklesfuncat” on Cafepress has got you covered! Read more on Cover Your Body In Benghazi, Just Like God Intended…
  back in the addled again

Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox

Failed “Wyoming” Senatorial candidate Liz Cheney has triumphantly returned to her previous job as a Fox News contributor, proving that government assistance to the unemployed is not needed when you’re a friend of the conservative mediaplex. After a spectacularly unsuccessful challenge to incumbent Sen. Mike Enzi, Cheney ended her campaign in January, citing unspecified “serious health issues” in her family. We hope her re-emergence on cable TV means that whoever/whatever that was has gotten much better. Wonder if her sister is talking to her yet? Read more on Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures

Here’s Jon Stewart with a discussion of the Senate’s report on the CIA’s “super-aggressive terrorist suspect spa treatments.” Hope he doesn’t get too emotional! Best line (we love spoilers), in response to Dianne Feinstein’s “This is not what Americans do”: Read more on Jon Stewart On The Bush Torture Program: Cheney Lies, Rumsfeld Denies, Bush Makes Pretty Pictures…
  deploy the cruz missiles

Ted Cruz Will Ram Missiles Down Putin’s Throat In A Firm And Manly Way

Just in case you were worried that we hadn’t heard enough stupid ideas from the Git Tuff On Roosha wing of the GOP, Ted Cruz weighed in Monday with his own suggestions for what could be done about Russia’s invasion of Crimea: Instead of just imposing wimpy mom-jean sanctions on Russia, how about going full Cold War and moving some antiballistic missiles into Eastern Europe, so Putin knows we Mean Business? “Beyond sanctions and aid to Ukraine, the most important thing we could be doing right now, with respect to Russia, is installing anti-ballistic missiles in Eastern Europe,” Cruz said in an interview. “Appeasement has not worked,” he added. “After more than five years of being unwilling to stand up to Putin and Russian aggression, it is time for the United States to honor our commitments to our friends.” Yeah, damn straight — just like how George Bush got Putin to pull out of those Georgian territories in 2008. Nothing says “get out of Crimea” like a bunch of antiballistic missiles in Poland, which would clearly tell Putin that we will not tolerate a nuclear attack. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Ram Missiles Down Putin’s Throat In A Firm And Manly Way…
  self-licking ice cream cones

Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!

Something weird happened when we learned that the CIA was probably spying on a Congressional committee tasked with investigating CIA abuses, including allegations of torture — you know, like beyond all the torture we already knew about. We are outraged, of course, but our outrage doesn’t feel like it used to. All we feel is a strange sensation at the base of our skull, like a little man yelling “Hey! This is disgraceful! Face redden! Vein pop! Stomach knot, form of pretzel!” But none of that is happening. Maybe that’s because we have heard this joke before, and the punchline is “a slap on the wrist, and everyone forgets.” We’d tell you the setup, but it’s classified. Read more on Don’t Be Silly, CIA Couldn’t Have Spied On Congress! It’s Against The Law!…
  arrivals and departures

Liz Cheney Quits Senate Campaign To Spend More TIme With Parts Of Family That Still Talk To Her

Shut it down, people. The 2014 midterms just got a lot less interesting as psychotic swamp beast Liz Cheney emerged from her Sith Meditation Pod and announced she is ending her bid for the Senate seat from Wyoming, citing unspecified “serious health issues” in her family. This was followed by a tortured howl of misery and loss rising from the darkest recesses of a sailor-filled dive bar on the edge of the industrial wastes near downtown Los Angeles Wonkette overnight news desk. Liz, Liz, why hast thou forsaken us? Read more on Liz Cheney Quits Senate Campaign To Spend More TIme With Parts Of Family That Still Talk To Her…
  can't we just disappear our noncandidate daughter in peace?

Dick Cheney Surprised That Some Lady On Facebook ‘Attacked’ His Daughter Liz on Gay Marriage

Today on “Fun With Grammar,” let’s take a look at an old favorite, the political passive voice. The great thing about the passive voice, as we all know, is that you can say stuff happened without actually saying who did that stuff, the classic example being “Mistakes were made.” And now, here’s everyone’s favorite kitten-chomper Dick Cheney, explaining how he was shocked, shocked by something that happened without anyone in particular doing it: “We were surprised that there was an attack launched against Liz on Facebook, and wished it hadn’t happened,” Cheney said Tuesday at the National Press Club, as quoted by ABC News. “It’s always been dealt with within the context of the family and frankly that’s our preference.” Damn that Facebook and its complicity in that attack by (someone)! Gosh, if only we knew whose name would have to go in an active voice version of that sentence. Ah well, guess we will never (MARY CHENEY YOUR OWN DAUGHTER YOU BASTARD!) know. Read more on Dick Cheney Surprised That Some Lady On Facebook ‘Attacked’ His Daughter Liz on Gay Marriage…
  this isn't even her final form

Liz Cheney Is Really, Really From Wyoming, Again (This Time With Dick Cheney Grandspawn)

In this new campaign ad, creatively titled “Daughters,” Liz Cheney’s daughters talk about their family’s “deep roots” in the state that their mother left during junior high school and returned to last year to run for Senate. She is totally a Wyoming … what is the word you people say… “gal.” Through and through. Her papa, Dick “Papa Dik” Cheney, lived there oncet, and even represented the state in Congress. In the last century. Also, pay no attention to their Aunt Mary and her heathen Virginia ways. Read more on Liz Cheney Is Really, Really From Wyoming, Again (This Time With Dick Cheney Grandspawn)…
  my lttle cheney: friendship is deniable

Dick Cheney Denies Ever Liking Mike Enzi, Who Probably Has Cooties Too

Dick Cheney surfaced from the cthonian depths this weekend to put to rest any notion that he has ever been Wyoming Sen. Mike Enzi’s fishing buddy. Enzi, still smarting from Liz Cheney’s decision to run against him in the Republican primary, had told the Daily Beast last week that he’d thought the former vice president had signaled that Liz would only run if Enzi didn’t seek reelection, adding, “I thought we were friends.” But on ABC’s This Week, Cheney denied ever having heard of this “Mike Enzi” person, and also disinvited him from his birthday party forever: “Well, Mike also said he and I are fishing buddies, which is simply not true. Never happened” The fact that Mike Enzi thought he could trust Dick Cheney is, of course, the clearest indication that Enzi never knew Cheney very well at all. Read more on Dick Cheney Denies Ever Liking Mike Enzi, Who Probably Has Cooties Too…
  Darth Hater

Dick Cheney: Why Wasn’t Hillary Clinton As Good At Foreign Policy As Dick Cheney?

Often is the question asked: Are Dick Cheney crazy, stupid, or lying? Even if you don’t limit yourself to choosing just one, it’s tougher to answer this question about Cheney than it is with many of his peers. Consider this quote, typed out by POLITICO from Cheney’s recent appearance on Hugh Hewitt’s radio show “I Am Always Angry And It’s All Your Fault”: “I think the Benghazi thing is one of the great — it’s not just an embarrassment, it’s a tragedy, because we lost four people that night. And what I always recall is her testimony saying, ‘What difference does it make?’ And the fact of the matter is it makes a huge difference.” FOUR PEOPLE! Dick Cheney is so, so hurt that Obama and Hillary won’t take responsibility for these FOUR PEOPLE who died horribly serving their country (even though Hillary did take responsibility by literally saying the words “I am responsible”). …FOUR PEOPLE! Go and seek medical attention for the rage-stroke (ew) you just had, then ask yourself: What in the hell is this man trying to accomplish? Read more on Dick Cheney: Why Wasn’t Hillary Clinton As Good At Foreign Policy As Dick Cheney?…
  apocalypse soon

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special We Are Terrible At Healthcare And Public Art Edition

Have you been reading a lot of smart takes, a lot of thinkpieces, about how much the computer-y part of the healthcare roll out sucks, and the gubmint should have magically figured out a way to sign up oodles of people who need to provide oodles of data and done so without any glitches in their website, because that’s a totes easy thing to do? Sure you have, but you probably haven’t read the New York Times version yet! Are you gonna read that article? Nah, because it is pretty much the same old same old. Many problems with the website. Many not enough monies to do this thing right. Many insurance executives having a sad. To all of this, we say: single payer, bitches. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special We Are Terrible At Healthcare And Public Art Edition…
  those weren't the days

New Bush-Cheney Postmortem Shows The Lighter Side Of Gross Incompetence And Corruption

Things are pretty bad now. Many liberals are angry, depressed, or both. We wasted our breath for years, saying “Hey rich folks, we know you don’t love paying taxes, but these people you’re manipulating with ridiculous lies in order to win elections — maybe stop? Because they’re idiots, and they could be dangerous?” Nobody listened. Which reminds us of another time nobody listened to liberals: Always, but especially when George W. Bush was president. Today’s tumble down the memory hole is courtesy of the New York Times as they excerpt/adapt digestible chunks of Peter Baker’s new book “Days of Fire: Bush and Cheney in the White House.” How many amusing pull quotes are there? All of them, Katie Read more on New Bush-Cheney Postmortem Shows The Lighter Side Of Gross Incompetence And Corruption…
  very little blowback this time

In Coincidence Utterly Devoid Of Cosmic Irony, Dick Cheney’s Rifle Malfunctions During Hunting Contest

As it turns out, we’re rather happy that we didn’t do anything with the tip we received last week about Dick Cheney’s participation in the then-upcoming “One Shot Antelope Hunt.” Sure, Cheney + Gun = Funny. But by waiting, we now have a far better combination: Cheney + Gun + Malfunction. Yes. That’ll do, Dick. That’ll do. Read more on In Coincidence Utterly Devoid Of Cosmic Irony, Dick Cheney’s Rifle Malfunctions During Hunting Contest…
  Selective never forgetting

Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)

What is it we’re supposed to never forget again? George W. Bush, August 6, 2001: Bush listened to the briefing [Bin Laden determined to strike in US], Suskind says, then told the CIA briefer: “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.” George W. Bush, March 13, 2002: Read more on Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)…
  step away from the listicles

Jennifer Rubin Tongue-Bathes Liz Cheney, But Not In A Gay Way

You know how when you were a kid and your parents would try to be all hip with the slang, and your dad said something embarrassing and contextually weird like “this steak is tits, man!” Awful, right? Not nearly as awful as Jennifer Rubin, the deeply un-hip, deeply unhappy, deeply disconnected from actual reality WaPo columnist trying to get in on some Buzzfeed-style listicle action. Yes, Jennifer has put together her top ten reasons why horrible nightmare spawn Liz Cheney should run for Senate. We cannot cut and paste all ten, because plagiarism and because don’t want to, but there are some lowlights we should really point out: 1. We need foreign policy experts in the Senate. Not only does Cheney speak and write often on the subject, she was in the State Department for five years in the George W. Bush administration and at the U.S. Agency for International Development for several years before that. Yes, Daddy’s Little Nepotist is sure to bring her extensive policy smarts to the Senate. If there’s one thing the Dubya administration was known for, it was its great foreign policy. Read more on Jennifer Rubin Tongue-Bathes Liz Cheney, But Not In A Gay Way…
  not far enough from the tree

Liz Cheney Will Waterboard Wyoming Until It Makes Her Senator

Since Fox News does not (yet) have representation in the United States Senate, torture fan Liz Cheney announced Tuesday afternoon that she is willing to let the state of Wyoming elect her in 2014, especially now that she owns a house there and everything. We now find ourselves in the curious position of kind of half-heartedly rooting for Mike Enzi, the conservative three-term senator whom Cheney will face in a primary next year, unless her dad taught her to do that thing where she holds her hand out in front of her and Enzi’s windpipe just collapses and she says she finds his lack of faith disturbing. That could happen, too. Read more on Liz Cheney Will Waterboard Wyoming Until It Makes Her Senator…