Major discovery in the 2004 CIA inspector general’s report on torture for which ABC News gets sole credit, MUST GIVE THE CREDITS TO ABC NEWS: Dick Cheney is secretly Jesus. This is why he wears the Golden Jesus Halo Crown of the CIA! Also: That second story? It’s Dick Cheney. And we’ll take our $25,000 “Ensign Style,” in three separate checks, to avoid declaring it as income. [ABC News]

• Dick Cheney, a personified synonym of the desire to bomb Iran, has gone public with his desire to bomb Iran, and also retroactively bomb Iran. [Wall Street Journal]
• Environmentalist types have slacked off recently, in terms of not blogging various iterations of top ten “ways to go green lists” and other forms of non-violent protest, and this is why their cause is a lost one. [Washington Post]
• The Dalai Lama stopped by Taiwan and simultaneously comforted flood victims and avoided angering in Chinese government. Multitasking! [Reuters]
• Many of America’s largest banks are now turning profits, which was the cool thing to do in like 2007. [New York Times]
• The Democratic Party of Japan defeated the Liberal Democratic Party, their conservative (?) opponents, in today’s big election. Hooray!/our condolences. [The Guardian]
• That Angeles National Forest wildfire has destroyed 18 homes but it’s still only 5% contained. [Los Angeles Times]

Not since the Grinch stole Jesus’ Birthday from the tiny hydrocephalic aliens of Whoville has a figure of evil so blatantly tried to fuck a precious holiday to death: Barack Obama wants to make September 11 some kind of evil, patriotic day of remembering the terrorist attacks by doing something for America. It is exactly like he individually piloted all of those jets into those buildings, and knocked them down! MORE »

…Would be some SECRET INTERIOR PHOTOS OF DICK CHENEY’S HOME, available on the Internet, to the public, hurry up you slobs and take your screen shots before this lady blocks access! Specifically, THIS and THIS. We’d post them here, but we don’t want to get shot. Although that will probably happen anyway. MUSH, MUSH! UPDATE: Ha, already gone. Part II: Terrify your friends with e-mail attachments! UPDATE II: *cough* *cough* UPDATE LXVII: Alex Pareene, dead man. [Liz and Paul's Wedding celebration at the Cheney's]

Did you know that back in 2002 charming Dr. Strangelove extra Dick Cheney wanted to deploy American troops to Buffalo, New York? Little known outside the nightmares of national security insiders, Buffalo, or “جاموس ” is a remote hellscape in Kashmir ruled by tribal warlords and their thuggish philosopher-king, Vincent Gallo. It was also the home of the “Lackawanna Six,” a group of terrorism suspects who Cheney wanted to arrest in spite of (because of??) the lack of evidence against them. MORE »

Jesus fuck is this even America anymore? First we elect a black president, and now the Twitter is shut off in the White House? And we don’t want to hear any of this “Security concerns” balderdash, because when we last had a real American president (that fat white sack of shit Dick Cheney), and he needed to get around the “law” or whatever, he just ran his own private email servers with Karl Rove from some Tennessee pedophile listserv. [The Hill]

Liberal blog lady Marcy Wheeler said a word that we had not heard before, today, while discussing Dick Cheney’s various uncontroversial crimes against Earth: it sounded like, “blow-job.” This term upset the MSNBC anchors so deeply that we Googled it, for a definition, and oh my god you guys! [Firedoglake]

Here is a clip of Dick Cheney discussing the secret-but-becoming-unsecret Other Plan To Kill Muslins (OPTKM) with CIA Field Ops head Eric “The Hulk” Bana, who simply must not tell Congressional leaders about these things. Now the Guardian has new information about OPTKM, and by golly something just seems to be missing. MORE »

• Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig’s heart. It’s a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys — put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]
• Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]
• Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney’s secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain’t shavin’ nothing, and don’t even worry about Cheney, we’ll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]
• America’s leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, “Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people.” Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]

• CLONE ARMY? THE HOLOCAUST BUT WITH MUSLIMS? If you haven’t already, read this whole terrifying story about the NEWLY DISCOVERED CHENEY/CIA-ONLY SECRET PROGRAM, and enjoy reading Official Sources tease like mad jackals, along the lines of, “Can’t tell you what the program was, but man… that was… whew… holy fucking shit… just damn.” Leon Clinton Panetta only found out about this Other Program’s existence on June 23, and cancelled the dickens out of it one hour later! Oy. Just scan through the Seymour Hersh tag; it sounds like the Secret Band of Assassins thing. [NYT]

• BARACK OBAMA WILL KEEP DICK CHENEY SAFE FOREVER: Government teat-suckler Dick Cheney is such a pussy that he became one of the first — if not the first — vice presidents in history to accept Secret Service protection after his reign of terror in office expired, a move requiring the president’s authorization. Cheney then ran around Washington going on teevee everyday saying that Obama wanted Americans to die, constantly. Now Barack Obama has extended Cheney’s Secret Service protection, so YOU’RE WELCOME, you crazy vampire. [US News]