Wonkette

George W. Bush has two great ambitions in life: to be the president of Major League Baseball, and to bomb Iran. He will accomplish the second in his waning days in public office before retiring and turning his attention to the very important task of running the sport of baseball into the ground. MORE »

The Today show’s Meredith Vieira got herself a real Scoop today, as Lynne Cheney offered her a tour of 1 Observatory Circle, the vice president’s residence. Look at where Cheney brunches and sups! Where he sits! They have a moose sculpture! And a sunny masturbatorium! [MSNBC]

Thanks to commenter queeraselvis for pointing out that Greg Davis, the GOP candidate in a special election to fill an open Mississippi House seat, will enlist the Dark Lord himself, Dick Cheney, to campaign the day before next Tuesday’s election. Cheney, of course, is the polar opposite of Barack Obama, the #1 terrorist and cheerleader of Davis’ opponent Travis Childers. When asked about Cheney’s emergency involvement, Childers said nothing. Childers rarely says anything about anything, because he is a member of the radical liberal Democrat party. Watch this: TRAVIS CHILDERS WEARS WOMEN’S UNDERGARMENTS! We can write that since Travis Childers is incapable of denying it, because he says nothing. [Commercial Appeal]

Our very own videographer and Polaroid photographer Liz Glover sends this startling news to Wonkette Central Command: “ah the joys of being a pedestrian in our nation’s capitol. just almost got mowed down by cheney’s motorcade at connecticut and florida. the black suburbans on either side of his limo had what looked like swat teams seated in the back, windows down, with their automatic rifles - huge arse guns - streetsweepers - in full view. creepy. scary. maybe he’s returning to town now that the dc madam is dead. RIP DC Madam.” We think a potential manslaughter of Liz Glover means automatic impeachment.

As America mourns the suspicious death of “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Palfrey and gives up hope that anyone or anything can bring down Dick Cheney (or even David Vitter), let’s look back in anger at other recent suspicious suicides involving Our Federal Government. Did you know one of Palfrey’s escort-service contractor ladies also supposedly hanged herself? And what about all these FBI targets and mysterious CIA agents meeting weird, tragic ends? WTF, people, WTF? MORE »

And a sad story becomes sadder still: Deborah Jeane Palfrey was found hanging dead in a storage shed behind her mother’s Florida mobile home. Many pages of “handwritten suicide notes” were reportedly found in the shed by the Tarpon Springs police. Read the weird transcript, after the jump. MORE »

Presidents and vice presidents file tax returns — they’re just like us! George and Laura Bush filed and guess how much they made in 2007? Just shy of a million! That’s not really so much money. Dick and Lynne Cheney easily beat the fake president’s adjusted gross income of $923,807. But by how much? MORE »

This is a White House photo from Richard “Dick” Cheney’s “Outdoors” gallery. Now don’t it look like there’s some naked broad in his shades, and that is why he’s smiling? Because he likes girl’s breasteses? Or is it just a puppy being tortured on Christmas morning (”puppy” meaning his lesbian daughter)? Check out a closer look, after the jump! MORE »

You — yes you, the American terrorist citizen — will have to pay for Dick Cheney’s security detail and personal safety for the rest of your life. Even when China has decided to pull the rug out and take us over, you will still have to tithe to the Church of Mao’s holding account that will be used, for some reason, to protect Dick Cheney. Everything we just said is partially true. The Secret Service is proposing, for the first time in history, to grant the vice president its protective services for six months after he leaves office, to the tune of $4 million. Swell! And guess why? It’s not complicated. Just figure it out, geniuses.

Because of THE TERRORRRRRRRORORORRRRRISTS of course!

Although presidents and their spouses are entitled to Secret Service protection long after they depart the White House, federal law authorizes protective services for the vice president and his immediate family only during his time in office. Extending Cheney’s detail would require a directive from the president or a joint resolution of Congress.

“We believe that it’s a pretty safe bet with the threat environment we face today that Vice President Cheney will be afforded Secret Service protection upon his departure,” Sullivan told the House Appropriations subcommittee on homeland security last week.

Experts say such precautions make sense. The United States is at war abroad and faces the persistent threat of terrorism at home. Cheney, a principal architect of the administration’s foreign and national security policies, has been an unusually high-profile No. 2 — and would remain a target long after his term.

Because he is Too Big To Fall, and then the Federal Reserve will have to bail him out.

It would be a fitting end to the last eight years in Washington if Congress’ last (or first?) piece of legislation was a joint resolution to pay for Dick Cheney’s protection from The Terrorists while he is a private citizen.

Cheney Could Keep Security Detail [Washington Post]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

Hey, did you know that it’s only March? That’s right, you have another seven months of this stupid election to endure. Since it’s already gone on for eleventy billion months already, everything of remote substance has already been hashed out and forgotten, so now all we have time for are the wild accusations. And everyone knows wild accusations are more fun in cartoon form! MORE »

A long time ago in the 1990s there was this teevee program called The X-Files — a creepy mix of Nixon-era political conspiracy, the occult, fake terror attacks, FEMA killing everybody, and Space Demons. It seemed completely fantastic until 2001, when Dick Cheney and George W. Bush began their reign of horror. And finally, after years of silence, the creators of the X-Files are talking about how this administration stole all their ideas, even 9/11! MORE »

Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America’s First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation. MORE »

Ex-chief of staff to Dick Cheney, known perjurer and wuss jail-dodger I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been disbarred, according to a D.C. Court of Appeals ruling. The cut-and-running court explained: “When a member of the Bar is convicted of an offense involving moral turpitude, disbarment is mandatory.” Yes, dumb old Scooter was a textbook case of “moral turpitude,” that old scourge of an offense. Remember when he lied all those times? They were the most morally turpitudinous lies since the great Turpitude Outbreak of 1913. [WTOP]