Tag Archives: dhs

  New investigation maybe?

What Are Dumb Duggars Trying To Hide Now?

Terrible people
If your family was once famous for making babies all day long, every day, for Jesus, but now it’s known as that sick reality TV star family that covered up the oldest son’s repeated sexual molestation of his kid sisters, you know what you should definitely NOT do? You should definitely NOT refuse to cooperate with a fresh new investigation into your family. But apparently the Duggar Homeschool Textbook of Homeschooling doesn’t cover that. Read more on What Are Dumb Duggars Trying To Hide Now?…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Let's buy pipe cleaners. Kids like pipe cleaners.
Happy Sunday, you scrappy weasels. We hope you had a nice week, enjoying all the gross news yr Wonkette had to report, because all the news was just terrible and gross and bad. We thought we had our fill of kid-touching stories with Josh Duggar, but then Denny Hastert came in and was like ME TOO, I TOUCHED KIDS TOO. ALLEGEDLY. So it’s time to take a look see at the top ten stories of the week, as chosen by you, the wise Wonkers. Read more on If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  let's all throw up together some more

Sister-Molester Josh Duggar Sued Arkansas DHS, Probably For Calling Him A Sister-Molester

Tell us about the abused, neglected kids, Josh.
BREAKING NEWS! There was a missing detail in the accepted timeline of events surrounding Josh Duggar’s molestation of five girls, including four of his sisters. As we previously understood, the sex-criming happened in 2002 and 2003, the Duggars reported it to a “family friend” cop in 2003 (who turned out to be a pedophile), and it was officially investigated in 2006. At that time, there was no chance of Josh being prosecuted, because, even with Arkansas’s extended statute of limitations, the original pedo-bear officer in 2003 had done nothing about the allegations besides give the young boy a “stern talk,” so the statute of limitations was expired. Oops, technicality, end of story, right? APPARENTLY NOT! Read more on Sister-Molester Josh Duggar Sued Arkansas DHS, Probably For Calling Him A Sister-Molester…
  Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Day To Stop Sniffing Glue

TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?

Langley, are you SURE this guy had I.D.?
Today’s big Air Travel Freakout is that the Transportation Security Agency apparently allowed someone very bad to board a commercial airliner last year, and they let the very bad person board without taking his very bad shoes off, even though he (or she! feminism!) was recognized by a TSA officer, triple exclamation points!!! Read more on TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?…
  department of punching yourself in the face

House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection

Suck it
While we were still busy fuming over the hosannas being tossed at this asshole by a bunch of cock-gobbling cum muffins, the House actually managed to do something worthwhile: It passed a clean funding bill for the Department of Homeland Security. So DHS stays open through the end of the fiscal year in September, President Obama continues to have prosecutorial discretion over how best to allocate resources in deporting illegal immigrants and allowing some of them a chance to apply for citizenship, and the wingnuts of the Rabid Ferret caucus get yet another reason for daily blood pressure monitoring. Everybody wins! Read more on House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection…
  Republicans in disarray and you won't believe what happens next!

John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun

Guess who's helping our enemies now?
The civil war in the Republican Party is getting a lot uglier, which is excellent news if you enjoy watching Republicans try to eat each other’s intestines with their bare hands, no utensils or a bib even. And yup, we sure do enjoy the hell out of that. Because Speaker John Boehner is terrible at his job, he only managed to get funding for the Department of Homeland Security extended for one whole whoppin’ week, setting himself up for another week of the extremists in his caucus batting him around like a cat with a half-dead rodent. Read more on John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun…
  Deja vu all over again

GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!

He's in charge here
If you loved last week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security, like a bunch of elected legislators whose job is to keep government agencies running, you will love this week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about the exact same thing all over again! Read more on GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!…
  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

Being a grown up is hard
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Good job, asshole
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  Who could have seen this coming?

Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL

Who could have seen this coming?
Republicans have a terrific plan to humiliate President Obama by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security unless he promises to stop hearting those damned Messicans. This is flawless plan, obviously, and proves how, with the Very Grown Up Republicans finally in charge of the entire legislative branch, things really are going great, just like they’d promised back in November. Sure, shutting down DHS might hurt a little — you know, because national security and all — but that’s a small price to pay in order to teach the president a lesson. Read more on Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL…
  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  outside agitators

Race War Roundup: A Children’s Treasury Of Loveable Rogues

So, the altered photo on the right was posted on a rightwing Tea Party website; after the fakery was exposed, the “Patriot Nation” Facebook page has removed the photo and issued a stirring notpology: There is but ONE race — the AMERICAN race, and it isn’t hyphenated! Anyone who is found to be posting such racist crap on this page or using racial slurs, will be banned permanently. Of course, had the picture not been faked, they’d have been perfectly fine with it, because then it would just be a dumb one-of-THOSE-people. And so welcome to today’s wrap-up of charming folks who are just itching for a race war. Needless to say, the actual cause of the coming race war (so much blood!) will be those other people, not the nice patriotic self-defenders we’ll be looking at below. (No one ever starts a race war; they just have race war forced upon them so they have to preemptively defend themselves.) Read more on Race War Roundup: A Children’s Treasury Of Loveable Rogues…
  punt contrapunt

Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare

Why is total mob capo of the DHS HHS Kathleen Sebelius shaking down companies to send arms to Iran so it can rape Nicaraguan nuns? This is an excellent question, one posed just this week by Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander, previously known for being the boring guy who ran for president before Jon Huntsman whose most exciting personality quirk was wearing plaid. Here, let us let ThinkProgress parse it at ya. In an op-ed published in the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) charged that Sebelius circumvented Congress’ refusal to provide funds for the administration’s health care law by raising those dollars from outside groups, just as “Col. North was accused of using money raised in an arms-for-hostages swap with Iran to fund and work with private organizations providing military support to rebel armies in Nicaragua.” […] “With Iran-Contra, Congress had also prohibited support for the rebels, while in the case of health-care funding, Congress has refused to provide the amounts that the administration has asked for,” Alexander wrote. “But the principle and the legal prohibitions are the same.” Republican chairmen and ranking Republicans on five congressional committees have asked the Government Accountability Office to look into the matter. Well, we certainly don’t see any difference there, do you? Certainly not that one was secretly selling arms to a hostile nation, to secretly fund an outfit that Congress had specifically prohibited funding because of all the nun-raping, and that the other was getting funds for something that was in fact legislated by Congress? Hahaha, just kidding, that would be a stupid contrast. Read more on Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare…
  scissor sisters

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently

Have you ever wondered if Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano likes vag? You probably have wondered that. She is asked if she is lesbionic all the time, by everyone, just constantly. Well, now comes a lawsuit from a guy who was demoted after Napolitano took over at DHS, so she could replace him with a woman, Dora Schriro, with whom she had a “long-standing relationship.” Also, some crazy person keeps calling subordinates on the telephone and screaming that she wants to blow them? That doesn’t sound very lesbian, but whatever, it is very sexually harrassy (and weird!). Read more on DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently…
  gay

Louis Gohmert Travels Alllll Around The World To Hug Muslims, He Does

Now we wouldn’t want to let Michele Bachmann’s various House conspirators get off the hook for this “Muslim terrorists infiltrating the government because they are Muslim” summer-of-a-reelection-year stunt, would we? Here’s the dumbest person in the Western Hemisphere, Rep. Louis Gohmert, berating Jan “BIG SIS” Napolitano today about why she let a Muslim terrorist in her employ download secret terrorism documents from The System and then give them to his terrorist friends. Yes, indeed, why would Secretary Napolitano do that? Gohmert assures her that he’s not just scanning the database of government employees for Arabic names and then accusing each of them of offering material support for terrorists because… you know… look at ’em… No, Louis Gohmert loves Muslims so much that he travels around the world to hug them. Sorry, there’s no way this guy has a passport. Read more on Louis Gohmert Travels Alllll Around The World To Hug Muslims, He Does…
  nothing to worry about!

TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers

How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in history. Read more on TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers…