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Tag: dhs

Vermont Utility Wasn’t Hacked By Russia After All. Also, Stop Worrying About Endangered Feces.

Why is everyone so upset about the plight of Soviet jewelry?

Walking in a Nuclear Winter Wonderland! Wonkagenda for Friday, December 23, 2016

Trump's love of nukes, Putin hates Democrats, Rachel Maddow grills Kellyanne Conway! Your daily news brief!

It’s Election Day! Your Wonkagenda: Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Glenn Beck does the impossible, Jame O'Keefe's same old shenanigans, and marijuanas across America! Your Wonkagenda!

The Mantrumpian Candidate. Your Wonkagenda, Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Trump's dirty money, Evan McMullin's robot problem, and Megyn Kelly's dead-end job! Your morning news brief!

Donald Trump Drops In For Louisiana Flood Photo Op After Governor Asks Him Not To, Because He Cares

Donald Trump went to Baton Rouge to look at the floodwaters, help unload a truck, and sign some baseball caps. Everything's better!
Teach us how to fight the gunmen, Elisabeth.

Fox News Teaches Kids How To Run Toward Gunfire, What Could Go Wrong?

Did we not just finish yelling at Elisabeth "Shouldn't You Be Leaving Now?" Hasselbeck for doing something stupid on the "Fox & Friends" television program? Yes, yes we did. But apparently she wasn't done, because during that same broadcast,...
Guess this makes them serious candidates.

Trump And Carson Beg Obama’s G-Men To Protect Them From Bad Guys

In normal presidential elections, it wouldn't be particularly noteworthy that the top candidates have requested Secret Service protection. But this is a campaign where the two top Republicans are Donald Trump and Ben Carson, neither of whom ever appears within...
Did anyone order a COMPANION?

Obvious Gay Hooker Service Raided For Being Obvious Gay Hooker Service

Being a gay hooker is illegal in U.S. America, except for in parts of Nevada or whatever. It's not the "gay" part that's illegal, otherwise we'd all be outlaws! We're not here to debate whether hooking should be legalized or...
OOOH DADDY WE GET TO DO TEEVEE AGAIN!

What Are Dumb Duggars Trying To Hide Now?

If your family was once famous for making babies all day long, every day, for Jesus, but now it's known as that sick reality TV star family that covered up the oldest son's repeated sexual molestation of his kid...
Let's buy pipe cleaners. Kids like pipe cleaners.

If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Happy Sunday, you scrappy weasels. We hope you had a nice week, enjoying all the gross news yr Wonkette had to report, because all the news was just terrible and gross and bad. We thought we had our fill...
Making that face is one of the things he learned in sex rehab.

Sister-Molester Josh Duggar Sued Arkansas DHS, Probably For Calling Him A Sister-Molester

BREAKING NEWS! There was a missing detail in the accepted timeline of events surrounding Josh Duggar's molestation of five girls, including four of his sisters. As we previously understood, the sex-criming happened in 2002 and 2003, the Duggars reported it...
Langley, are you SURE this guy had I.D.?

TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?

Today's big Air Travel Freakout is that the Transportation Security Agency apparently allowed someone very bad to board a commercial airliner last year, and they let the very bad person board without taking his very bad shoes off, even...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Chooses To Be Gay

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Benjamin Netanyahu growls sofly and carries a big shtick, The Supreme Court dignifies the undignifiable, and Ben Carson is a doctor, really! Missed last week's report? No...
Suck it

House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection

While we were still busy fuming over the hosannas being tossed at this asshole by a bunch of cock-gobbling cum muffins, the House actually managed to do something worthwhile: It passed a clean funding bill for the Department of...
Guess who's helping our enemies now?

John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun

The civil war in the Republican Party is getting a lot uglier, which is excellent news if you enjoy watching Republicans try to eat each other's intestines with their bare hands, no utensils or a bib even. And yup, we sure...
He's in charge here

GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!

If you loved last week's edge-of-your-seat excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security, like a bunch of elected legislators whose job is to keep government agencies...