Tag Archives: dhs

  Nailed!

Obvious Gay Hooker Service Raided For Being Obvious Gay Hooker Service

Did anyone order a COMPANION?
Did anyone order a NONSEXUAL COMPANION? Being a gay hooker is illegal in U.S. America, except for in parts of Nevada or whatever. It’s not the “gay” part that’s illegal, otherwise we’d all be outlaws! We’re not here to debate whether hooking should be legalized or not, and we’re neither here to shame sex workers nor say anything particularly nice about them either. Let’s just all agree they exist! Read more on Obvious Gay Hooker Service Raided For Being Obvious Gay Hooker Service…
  New investigation maybe?

What Are Dumb Duggars Trying To Hide Now?

Don't you just want to confess things to them?
If your family was once famous for making babies all day long, every day, for Jesus, but now it’s known as that sick reality TV star family that covered up the oldest son’s repeated sexual molestation of his kid sisters, you know what you should definitely NOT do? You should definitely NOT refuse to cooperate with a fresh new investigation into your family. But apparently the Duggar Homeschool Textbook of Homeschooling doesn’t cover that. Read more on What Are Dumb Duggars Trying To Hide Now?…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Let's buy pipe cleaners. Kids like pipe cleaners.
Happy Sunday, you scrappy weasels. We hope you had a nice week, enjoying all the gross news yr Wonkette had to report, because all the news was just terrible and gross and bad. We thought we had our fill of kid-touching stories with Josh Duggar, but then Denny Hastert came in and was like ME TOO, I TOUCHED KIDS TOO. ALLEGEDLY. So it’s time to take a look see at the top ten stories of the week, as chosen by you, the wise Wonkers. Read more on If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  let's all throw up together some more

Sister-Molester Josh Duggar Sued Arkansas DHS, Probably For Calling Him A Sister-Molester

Tell us about the abused, neglected kids, Josh.
BREAKING NEWS! There was a missing detail in the accepted timeline of events surrounding Josh Duggar’s molestation of five girls, including four of his sisters. As we previously understood, the sex-criming happened in 2002 and 2003, the Duggars reported it to a “family friend” cop in 2003 (who turned out to be a pedophile), and it was officially investigated in 2006. At that time, there was no chance of Josh being prosecuted, because, even with Arkansas’s extended statute of limitations, the original pedo-bear officer in 2003 had done nothing about the allegations besides give the young boy a “stern talk,” so the statute of limitations was expired. Oops, technicality, end of story, right? APPARENTLY NOT! Read more on Sister-Molester Josh Duggar Sued Arkansas DHS, Probably For Calling Him A Sister-Molester…
  Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Day To Stop Sniffing Glue

TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?

Langley, are you SURE this guy had I.D.?
Today’s big Air Travel Freakout is that the Transportation Security Agency apparently allowed someone very bad to board a commercial airliner last year, and they let the very bad person board without taking his very bad shoes off, even though he (or she! feminism!) was recognized by a TSA officer, triple exclamation points!!! Read more on TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?…
  department of punching yourself in the face

House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection

Suck it
While we were still busy fuming over the hosannas being tossed at this asshole by a bunch of cock-gobbling cum muffins, the House actually managed to do something worthwhile: It passed a clean funding bill for the Department of Homeland Security. So DHS stays open through the end of the fiscal year in September, President Obama continues to have prosecutorial discretion over how best to allocate resources in deporting illegal immigrants and allowing some of them a chance to apply for citizenship, and the wingnuts of the Rabid Ferret caucus get yet another reason for daily blood pressure monitoring. Everybody wins! Read more on House Finally Passes DHS Funding Bill, John Boehner Now In Witness Protection…
  Republicans in disarray and you won't believe what happens next!

John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun

Guess who's helping our enemies now?
The civil war in the Republican Party is getting a lot uglier, which is excellent news if you enjoy watching Republicans try to eat each other’s intestines with their bare hands, no utensils or a bib even. And yup, we sure do enjoy the hell out of that. Because Speaker John Boehner is terrible at his job, he only managed to get funding for the Department of Homeland Security extended for one whole whoppin’ week, setting himself up for another week of the extremists in his caucus batting him around like a cat with a half-dead rodent. Read more on John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun…
  Deja vu all over again

GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!

He's in charge here
If you loved last week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security, like a bunch of elected legislators whose job is to keep government agencies running, you will love this week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about the exact same thing all over again! Read more on GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!…
  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

Being a grown up is hard
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Good job, asshole
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  Who could have seen this coming?

Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL

Who could have seen this coming?
Republicans have a terrific plan to humiliate President Obama by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security unless he promises to stop hearting those damned Messicans. This is flawless plan, obviously, and proves how, with the Very Grown Up Republicans finally in charge of the entire legislative branch, things really are going great, just like they’d promised back in November. Sure, shutting down DHS might hurt a little — you know, because national security and all — but that’s a small price to pay in order to teach the president a lesson. Read more on Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL…