Tag Archives: dhs

  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

OK, how about you get everything you want? Would you take that?
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Good plan
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  Who could have seen this coming?

Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL

Who could have seen this coming?
Republicans have a terrific plan to humiliate President Obama by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security unless he promises to stop hearting those damned Messicans. This is flawless plan, obviously, and proves how, with the Very Grown Up Republicans finally in charge of the entire legislative branch, things really are going great, just like they’d promised back in November. Sure, shutting down DHS might hurt a little — you know, because national security and all — but that’s a small price to pay in order to teach the president a lesson. Read more on Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL…
  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  outside agitators

Race War Roundup: A Children’s Treasury Of Loveable Rogues

So, the altered photo on the right was posted on a rightwing Tea Party website; after the fakery was exposed, the “Patriot Nation” Facebook page has removed the photo and issued a stirring notpology: There is but ONE race — the AMERICAN race, and it isn’t hyphenated! Anyone who is found to be posting such racist crap on this page or using racial slurs, will be banned permanently. Of course, had the picture not been faked, they’d have been perfectly fine with it, because then it would just be a dumb one-of-THOSE-people. And so welcome to today’s wrap-up of charming folks who are just itching for a race war. Needless to say, the actual cause of the coming race war (so much blood!) will be those other people, not the nice patriotic self-defenders we’ll be looking at below. (No one ever starts a race war; they just have race war forced upon them so they have to preemptively defend themselves.) Read more on Race War Roundup: A Children’s Treasury Of Loveable Rogues…
  punt contrapunt

Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare

Why is total mob capo of the DHS HHS Kathleen Sebelius shaking down companies to send arms to Iran so it can rape Nicaraguan nuns? This is an excellent question, one posed just this week by Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander, previously known for being the boring guy who ran for president before Jon Huntsman whose most exciting personality quirk was wearing plaid. Here, let us let ThinkProgress parse it at ya. In an op-ed published in the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday, Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) charged that Sebelius circumvented Congress’ refusal to provide funds for the administration’s health care law by raising those dollars from outside groups, just as “Col. North was accused of using money raised in an arms-for-hostages swap with Iran to fund and work with private organizations providing military support to rebel armies in Nicaragua.” […] “With Iran-Contra, Congress had also prohibited support for the rebels, while in the case of health-care funding, Congress has refused to provide the amounts that the administration has asked for,” Alexander wrote. “But the principle and the legal prohibitions are the same.” Republican chairmen and ranking Republicans on five congressional committees have asked the Government Accountability Office to look into the matter. Well, we certainly don’t see any difference there, do you? Certainly not that one was secretly selling arms to a hostile nation, to secretly fund an outfit that Congress had specifically prohibited funding because of all the nun-raping, and that the other was getting funds for something that was in fact legislated by Congress? Hahaha, just kidding, that would be a stupid contrast. Read more on Senator Lamar Alexander: HHS Chief Kathleen Sebelius Sold Arms To Iran To Fund Obamacare…
  scissor sisters

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently

Have you ever wondered if Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano likes vag? You probably have wondered that. She is asked if she is lesbionic all the time, by everyone, just constantly. Well, now comes a lawsuit from a guy who was demoted after Napolitano took over at DHS, so she could replace him with a woman, Dora Schriro, with whom she had a “long-standing relationship.” Also, some crazy person keeps calling subordinates on the telephone and screaming that she wants to blow them? That doesn’t sound very lesbian, but whatever, it is very sexually harrassy (and weird!). Read more on DHS Chief Janet Napolitano Sued For Being A Giant Lezzy, Apparently…
  gay

Louis Gohmert Travels Alllll Around The World To Hug Muslims, He Does

Now we wouldn’t want to let Michele Bachmann’s various House conspirators get off the hook for this “Muslim terrorists infiltrating the government because they are Muslim” summer-of-a-reelection-year stunt, would we? Here’s the dumbest person in the Western Hemisphere, Rep. Louis Gohmert, berating Jan “BIG SIS” Napolitano today about why she let a Muslim terrorist in her employ download secret terrorism documents from The System and then give them to his terrorist friends. Yes, indeed, why would Secretary Napolitano do that? Gohmert assures her that he’s not just scanning the database of government employees for Arabic names and then accusing each of them of offering material support for terrorists because… you know… look at ‘em… No, Louis Gohmert loves Muslims so much that he travels around the world to hug them. Sorry, there’s no way this guy has a passport. Read more on Louis Gohmert Travels Alllll Around The World To Hug Muslims, He Does…
  nothing to worry about!

TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers

How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in history. Read more on TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers…
  a little bird told us

Homeland Security Is In Your Tweets, Waiting For Your Revolution

The US government is watching our every tweet, but don’t worry, it’s just to get a “situational awareness” of the world. Since 2010, the Department of Homeland Security has been monitoring “publicly available” information such as forums, Twitter accounts, and websites like WikiLeaks, Facebook and Hulu (what? – “Hey boss, I’m just monitoring these SNL clips for classified information disguised as terrible jokes”). So millions of people saying things that may or may not be true makes the job of the government easier? Not surprisingly, the DHS seems a little confused about how long it holds on to the information it trawls: a spokesperson says it doesn’t hold on to Internet traffic data; the document pertaining to this initiative says it does, but “for no more than five years.” Oh, whew. Read more on Homeland Security Is In Your Tweets, Waiting For Your Revolution…
  #occupy homeland security

What’s Really Behind the Nationwide Raids Against #OWS

For a decade now, the Department of Homeland Security has coordinated the law enforcement efforts of America’s major cities, both through the U.S. Conference of Mayors and through a direct network of the nation’s big city police chiefs. And yet, there was widespread “mainstream media” suspicion when reports surfaced of coordinated national assaults against the economic-justice protests. Why would a public so used to illegal federal wiretapping and constant physical surveillance of U.S. Muslim communities and infiltration of anti-war groups in America be surprised by the fact that federal law enforcement agencies were working to stop nationwide protests against the political/economic regime? Isn’t that their job, to stop their corrupt regime from being toppled? Read more on What’s Really Behind the Nationwide Raids Against #OWS…
  'homeland' is what the nazis called it too

Surprise, Homeland Security Coordinates #OWS Crackdowns

Remember when people were freaking out over the Patriot Act and Homeland Security and all this other conveniently ready-to-go post-9/11 police state stuff, because it would obviously be just a matter of time before the whole apparatus was turned against non-Muslim Americans when they started getting complain-y about the social injustice and economic injustice and income inequality and endless recession and permanent unemployment? That day is now, and has been for some time. But it’s also now confirmed that it’s now, as some Justice Department official screwed up and admitted that the Department of Homeland Security coordinated the riot-cop raids on a dozen major #Occupy Wall Street demonstration camps nationwide yesterday and today. (Oh, and tonight, too: Seattle is being busted up by the riot cops right now, so be careful out there.) Read more on Surprise, Homeland Security Coordinates #OWS Crackdowns…
  civil war

IT HAS BEGUN: Wonkette Operative “Danielle R.” says there’s a riot going on, outside the Homeland Security Reichstag: “Few hundred people are outside the DHS/ICE building on 12th and D SW with a huge American flag, protesting immigration policy … ‘Reform Not Raids’ is their mantra, I think. The guy on the bullhorn sounds like Jimmy Smits, but maybe that’s just because i watched too much West Wing yesterday. Cops are starting to swarm, traffic is backing up a bit. Ooh sirens, yay.” Read more on …
 

U.S. Immigration Director Whines About Liberal Media On His Blog

Another loser official from the Bush Administration is stepping down to spend time with the family, but there’s something especially funny about the departure of Emilio Gonzalez from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency — because Gonzalez wrote a big whiny blog post (on the Department of Homeland Security blog, of course) about how the New York Times called him a loser! And then about a million people with varying degrees of English-as-a-Second-Language proficiency left hilarious comments! Read more on U.S. Immigration Director Whines About Liberal Media On His Blog…
 

Emptying Our Jails of the Foreigns

The top US immigration enforcement lady is gearing up to send about 10% of America’s prison population packing this year on account of being criminally Mexican. Julie Meyers, who is an assistant secretary at DHS, has ramped up prison deportations from a puny 64,000 in 2006 to a still-puny 164,000 in 2007, and sees no need to stop there. Many of the foreigns in question lost their legal status as a result of the crimes they committed and have families here and whatnot, but they just should have thought of that before they went and did a bunch of crimes. After decades of overcrowding, there should now be plenty of room for hard-working American felons in this country’s various penal facilities. [New York Times] Read more on Emptying Our Jails of the Foreigns…
 

Secret Service May Shoot Clintons in the Foot

Here’s something awkward: guess who has detailed knowledge of anything and everything the Clintons have done, including where they have been and who they have met with 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the past 15 years? The one, the only Michael Chertoff! Not to worry though. It’s not like he played any kind of prosecutorial role in the Whitewater investigations or anything. Read more on Secret Service May Shoot Clintons in the Foot…
 

Rudy Giuliani’s Best Friend Will Be Indicted, Too

Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, future Secretary of Defense Bernard Kerik, has led a colorful life of being a convicted criminal, New York mobster and sex creep. Bernie also almost got the best mafia job of all, thanks to Rudy: handing out gazillions of federal dollars to “the family” as Bush’s director of the cash-cow Homeland Security Department. And now, once again, Kerik’s going to be indicted — this time by the Feds. Read more on Rudy Giuliani’s Best Friend Will Be Indicted, Too…