Wonkette

Another loser official from the Bush Administration is stepping down to spend time with the family, but there’s something especially funny about the departure of Emilio Gonzalez from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services agency — because Gonzalez wrote a big whiny blog post (on the Department of Homeland Security blog, of course) about how the New York Times called him a loser! And then about a million people with varying degrees of English-as-a-Second-Language proficiency left hilarious comments! MORE »

The top US immigration enforcement lady is gearing up to send about 10% of America’s prison population packing this year on account of being criminally Mexican. Julie Meyers, who is an assistant secretary at DHS, has ramped up prison deportations from a puny 64,000 in 2006 to a still-puny 164,000 in 2007, and sees no need to stop there. Many of the foreigns in question lost their legal status as a result of the crimes they committed and have families here and whatnot, but they just should have thought of that before they went and did a bunch of crimes. After decades of overcrowding, there should now be plenty of room for hard-working American felons in this country’s various penal facilities. [New York Times]

Here’s something awkward: guess who has detailed knowledge of anything and everything the Clintons have done, including where they have been and who they have met with 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the past 15 years? The one, the only Michael Chertoff! Not to worry though. It’s not like he played any kind of prosecutorial role in the Whitewater investigations or anything. MORE »

Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, future Secretary of Defense Bernard Kerik, has led a colorful life of being a convicted criminal, New York mobster and sex creep. Bernie also almost got the best mafia job of all, thanks to Rudy: handing out gazillions of federal dollars to “the family” as Bush’s director of the cash-cow Homeland Security Department. And now, once again, Kerik’s going to be indicted — this time by the Feds. MORE »

If the Ghoul becomes Attorney General, a professional lackey who keeps a George W. Bush doll on his desk will be rewarded with the DHS job. [Think Progress]

A widely hated cretin is the White House’s top choice for attorney general, experts said today. Michael Chertoff is known for his bizarre threats against America and his tenure at the biggest fucking joke agency in American history, the “department of homeland security.” Despised by Republicans, Democrats and actual humans, Chertoff is just the kind of loathsome creep the Bush Administration is likely to choose to be AG for a few weeks until the whole gang is rounded up and sent to Gitmo. MORE »

Those crazy numbskulls at the Department of Homeland Security are finally being moved to a mental hospital — all of them, forever! Sadly, the move will not begin until 2011, when America is nothing but a massive smoldering ruin. In a bold admission of the absolute incompetence that defines DHS, officials suspect it will take at least three years to complete the move. MORE »

* House Democrats will be issuing a sternly worded “boo, hiss” proclamation about troop escalation in Iraq. [NYT]
* Intelligence used to justify the war in 2003 was manipulated by administration officials. You heard it here again. [WP, NYT]
* Barack Obama: the early years. [WP]
* President Bush is “liberated” by having no campaigns to hijack his otherwise sterling legacy. [WP]
* Someone needs to tell Al Gore he’s running for president. [TIME]
* The American economy don’t want no gas prices going up. Terror attacks maybe, just don’t fuck with the gas prices. [WSJ]
* Homeland Security employees plan to be extra demoralized today, as that’s what they’re supposed to be, and it’s Friday and all. [WP, USAT]

* Mexican drug lords say a little prayer every night for Barack Obama, without whom none of their meth profits would be possible. [Hit & Run]
* Walnuts kept from going nuts in Vietnamese prisons by rubbing one out to Nancy Ronald Reagan every night. [YouTube]
* Giuliani’s running not because of maniacal power lust, but because he thinks people want him to. [Freakonomics]
* Guy who calls Dick Cheney “Dad” also makes the call on what “sex for visa” and “air marshal drug smuggling” gets swept under the rug at DHS. [Think Progress]
* “Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris has won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.” [World Net Daily]
* Mike Huckabee already plans to give up campaign, book sales doing fine. [Political Wire]
* Wanted: one military operation name thinker-upper, knowledge of history or familiarity with comic books a plus. [Rising Hegemon]
* Red, white and blue “Stephen Colberry” ice cream coming soon to better supermarkets everywhere. [Salon]

A brave stewardess has been trying to expose a terrible terrorist jet-toilet conspiracy, but airline pilots, TSA air marshals and federal law enforcement agents just laugh at her crusade.

It all started when she was tidying up the bathroom in the coach section of a 757 flying across the country in February 2005 — and if you believe a stewardess would actually clean up the filthy coach lavatory en route, you’ll likely believe the rest of this weirdo story. All is revealed, after the jump.

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Crooked thug Bernard Kerik was denied his chance to run Homeland Security like some mafia fiefdom, but that doesn’t mean his career is totally finished. Kerik’s going to Guyana, where he’ll be the local president’s tough guy. MORE »

* Rupert Murdoch shoots lightning bolts from his various “news” outlets at Hillary, mumbles something about her paying for “lack of vision.” [Radar]
* Hillary betrayed by a pant suit. Hotline on Call]
* Rush Limbaugh’s favorite place to eat in DC is same as Treasury Department employees’ favorite place to score coke. [Media Matters]
* Christopher Dodd sends any old bullshit to the FEC, they’re just an “accounting thing” anyway. [Political Insider]
* FBI says any old bullshit to the media, they’re just an accountability thing anyway. [TPM Muckraker]
* Department of Homeland Security remembers to give SOTU the same security rating as the Super Bowl. [Suitably Flip]
* Military’s new bunker-buster bomb has a pretty sweet porno name. [Military & Aerospace Electronics]
* TPM Muckraker Justin Rood bolting for ABC’s The Blotter & Brian Ross’ pretend phone. [TPM]

* Which President has spent the most time talking about Pearl Harbor? Hint: It’s not Franklin Roosevelt. [Lawyers, Guns and Money]
* Buy two regular price blowjobs from DC hookers and they’ll keep your secret for free. [TPM Muckraker]
* President Bush wants a cookie for some shit he was supposed to do anyway. [Hotline on Call]
* DHS program that assigns “secret terrorist ratings to millions of U.S. citizens,” gets highest possible “Five Kafkas” for its scary PoMo essence. [Computerworld, The Heretik]
* Walnuts McCain hires a communications director even Wal-Mart thinks is too evil. [Election Central]
* Some people just have to be first: “Top Ten Funniest Political Moments of 2006.” [Extreme Mortman]
* On Oscar night, pay close attention to the size of Al Gore’s ass — that’s how you’ll know if he’s running in ‘08. [SFGate]