Tag Archives: detroit

  weekend at kwame's

America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail

If any Wonketteers happens to be in the vicinity of DC meat landmark “Benz Chili Bowl,” it would be really great if you could pick up an original chili half smoke for Detroit’s sexty ex-mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. What you’re gonna wanna do is hide a file inside the delicious pork treat and send it to Kwame care of the “Detroit Reentry Center,” where Kwame will be spending the weekend. Kwame, who spent the majority of his mayoral tenure texting about R. Kelly songs and blow jobs, will be back in jail this weekend for hiding monies from his probation officer. All told, he committed 14 probation violations. Read more on America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail…
  four touchdowns against polk high

Let’s Learn About The Mitt Romney BFF Who Wants To Steal A Public Park, Secede From Michigan!

Where were you at noon on January 21, 2013? As a patriotic American, you were probably watching or listening to President Barack Obama’s inauguration speech about how our national quest for that more perfect union “guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall.” Stirring stuff. And, as a patriotic American, you were probably like: “Yay America and yay democracy!” Because you care about the future of our republic. But not everyone is a patriotic American. For instance a group of Ayn Rand weirdos gathered at the Detroit Athletic Club during the inauguration to discuss their plot to build a tax-free Puerto Rico-style protectorate on Detroit’s Belle Isle, one of the finest public park spaces in the nation. Read more on Let’s Learn About The Mitt Romney BFF Who Wants To Steal A Public Park, Secede From Michigan!…
  worst galt ever

Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks

Sitting in the middle of the Detroit River is Belle Isle, one of the nation’s finest urban public parks. It was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted of Central Park fame. Unfortunately, Belle Isle isn’t in the best condition right now because Detroit is super poor. There exists a perfectly reasonable plan to make Belle Isle a state park so Michigan taxpayers can fund maintenance of this beloved landmark in the state’s largest city, as they do for comparable parks across the state. Naturally, this will never happen because Detroit doesn’t end up like Detroit by accident. It takes a lot of incompetence and inaction. Read more on Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks…
  how are we blaming single mothers today?

Barack Obama Ruining Detroit With Illegitimate Babies, Unwed Whore Moms

Among the city of Detroit’s multitude of problems is crime. Well, not crime so much as murder. The city of 700,000-ish averaged about one murder a day in 2012 even as officials claim crime overall fell. Just like on The Wire! Nothing shady about crime down/murders up statistics at all. But why is Detroit so murder-y? The answer is Barack HUSSEIN Obama, natch. He’s the one killing people everyday in Detroit. No wait, that’s not right. Try this: Barack Obama is responsible for all of Detroit’s out-of-wedlock births. You know, because “the females” can’t resist his sexy charms. No wait, that’s not right. Here it is: Obama isn’t impregnating Detroit’s women. He’s just not stopping them from getting preggers, according to dumb Detroit News editorial cartoonist Henry Payne. Read more on Barack Obama Ruining Detroit With Illegitimate Babies, Unwed Whore Moms…
  as i remember it you're a moron

Steve Doocy Explains: Mitt Romney Saved The Auto Industry!

Don’t, by any means, click on the above video of Steve Doocy explainering that Mitt Romney saved the auto industry. We cannot be held responsible if you ignore our warnings and your eyeballs fall out of your head and roll back under your desk and get covered with all the dust bunnies collecting on your tangled mass of printer cords. (If we knew how to make a googly-eye emoticon, we would put it here.) Read more on Steve Doocy Explains: Mitt Romney Saved The Auto Industry!…
  cocktober

Detroit Police Chiefs Just Can’t Stop Doing Sex On Their Lady Cops

Well yikes, etc.! Pictured above is Detroit internal affairs (heh?) officer Angelica Robinson, who tweeted this angsty self-portrait after finding out that her lover, Detroit Police Chief Ralph Godbee, was sexin’ on someone else. Robinson, as you might have guessed, has had her service weapon removed from her possession, WHICH SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA. Godbee? He’s been suspended. Wait, is it 2010 again? No, that was when the last Detroit chief of police, Warren Evans, got canned for porking his subordinate. Read more on Detroit Police Chiefs Just Can’t Stop Doing Sex On Their Lady Cops…
  destroy the city in order to save it

Shouty Pundit Doesn’t Understand Brave Mitt Romney’s Plan To Save Detroit With Cleansing Fire

Mitt Romney says we don’t need any more of these socialist fire men (and women!) because Smokey the Bear said only you can prevent forest fires, so PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! But loud televised Maoist Ed Schultz disagrees, pointing out that Detroit is burning pretty much constantly. Surely, Detroit could use some more firefighters? At the very least, the nearly bankrupt city could use some help making sure it keeps the fire department remains staffed at or near its present levels, right? Right? No. That would be very wrong, Mr. MSNBC union thug. Consider Detroit’s famous Packard Plant. This is a thing that used to be a thing because people made cars there. Then it became a thing because Eurotrash tourists like to visit and take Hipstamatic photographs inside the iconic urban ruin. But locally, the Packard Plant is mainly a thing because the bitch is always on fire. Read more on Shouty Pundit Doesn’t Understand Brave Mitt Romney’s Plan To Save Detroit With Cleansing Fire…
  gangster's paradise

What We Learned From The Nice Libertarian Fellows At 1:30 In The Morning In A Detroit Hotel Bar

We tricked you! The nice Libertarian fellows in the Detroit hotel bar at 1:30 in the morning were not nice at all! They were stupid fucking idiots! But we learned a lot from them anyway, like so: * Al Gore invented the Internet. * Al Gore lied about being the basis for the main character in Love Story. * If someone calls out both of these statements as the complete lies of fucking idiots and explains succintly why, all of a sudden the conversation will mysteriously turn to the size of Al Gore’s house. Also, he flies on planes. * If you own a business, that is the same as running the National Institutes of Health, therefore ergo and QED of course you know what the National Institutes of Health does. Did you not just say you run a business? Read more on What We Learned From The Nice Libertarian Fellows At 1:30 In The Morning In A Detroit Hotel Bar…
 

Do Not Forget Your Wonkette Meet-Up And Drinky Thing, Detroit!

Are you within 300 miles of Detroit right now, Wonker? Are you going to drive hell for leather to the Bronx Bar tomorrow (Saturday), to meet up with likeminded people, and kill them? (NO. We are a pacifist blog! BEHAVE YOURSELF!) Right, so here is your reminder that we (“we” being Your Editrix and YOU!) will be Gathering. Saturday, 7 p.m., at the Bronx Bar, 4476 2nd Avenue, Detroit Rock City. First 10 pitchers, as always, are on Your Wonket. Read more on Do Not Forget Your Wonkette Meet-Up And Drinky Thing, Detroit!…
  come on

Romney Aide Outlines Bold New Campaign Strategy of Stealing Credit For All Good Things

Mitt Romney gopher Eric Fehrnstrom is on a one-man mission to rescue political comedy this campaign season, bless his heart. First there was that time he gleefully marched out in front of the teevee camera to call his boss an Etch a Sketch, for being shifty. Now he is hilariously running around claiming that Mitt Romney is a terrible secret socialist who masterminded the popular auto industry bailout despite his extremely public stance against it. “His position on the bailout was exactly what President Obama followed,” Fehrnstrom said. It is a bit of a weird thing to say! Read more on Romney Aide Outlines Bold New Campaign Strategy of Stealing Credit For All Good Things…
  a turning point for america

Mitt Romney Delivers Big Speech About Nothing To Empty Stadium

Mitt Romney was back in his home state of Michigan, where he lived 50 years ago, to deliver a hotly anticipated speech on his latest, most deeply considered plan to toss the American people another $3-$5 trillion in tax cuts while offsetting the cost by ???ing tax expenditures. The speech, hosted by the Detroit Economic Club, was held in that most ambitious of Michigan venues, Ford Field, the only structure capable of holding the tens of thousands of people who weren’t there. Read more on Mitt Romney Delivers Big Speech About Nothing To Empty Stadium…
  suck it fred thompson

Mitt Romney Plans To Win Michigan By Driving A Car

Ahhh, so THIS is Mittens’ plan to win the state he very much needs to win, Michigan: Driving around in a motorcar, through the “real streets” where he proudly lived before decamping to the mansions of Belmont, Massachusetts. “This is personal,” he says about winning Michigan. And did you know that Detroit was in great shape before the Obama administration came to power? You learn a lot from serial liars. Read more on Mitt Romney Plans To Win Michigan By Driving A Car…
  mittens haz a sad

Mitt Romney Drives Around Detroit In Campaign Video, Says It’s Awful

Execution worshipper Mitt Romney has a strange new campaign video that features Mittens driving around very depressing neighborhoods in Detroit, lost maybe? No, it is Mitt Romney’s Tour of Ruined America, which is not Obama’s fault, says Mitt (ALWAYS BLAME OBAMA, MITT), but Obama isn’t fixing it, either. Blah blah, this explanation is taking too long. What will Mitt do to fix it? He will get to that later, he is busy feeling sorry for Michigan right now. This Obama character has done nothing to help Detroit, because the auto bailout does not count for adding 50,000 jobs, for being socialist. “He made things worse,” Mittens says to some invisible person in the back seat of the car, and for a moment you forget whether he is talking about Obama or just talking in third person about his own campaign, by making this weird, sad video about how sad Detroit is. Watch it after the jump: Read more on Mitt Romney Drives Around Detroit In Campaign Video, Says It’s Awful…
  visions of america

Muslim-Hating Wingnut (Not Palin) Shoots His Own Car For Some Reason

Rat-faced hillbilly “Pastor Terry Jones” still exists, for some reason. (Weren’t we supposed to drop him from a Predator onto a pile of rocks in Afghanistan, so that one of his stray limbs would kill a child or a nursing mother? Is this even America anymore?) So, this Terry Jones character is going around, spewing racism and ignorance on local teevee programs so the nation’s millions of semi-literate unemployed slobs can figure out which already-oppressed minority to HATE for the three-decade-long GOP/kleptocrat program to take away working people’s homes, jobs, health care and minimal financial security. And, for some reason, “Pastor Terry Jones” shot up the floor of his crappy car. Goldanged Muslims are everywhere! Read more on Muslim-Hating Wingnut (Not Palin) Shoots His Own Car For Some Reason…
  abortion loopholes

America Loves LOLRATS! (Because Americans Quit Having Babies)

Bad news, we guess: Americans have just quit having babies. Why? Oh, no reason at all, everything’s fine, la la la. The birth rate for the main procreating age range of wommens, 20-24, dropped by a shocking 9% in just two years (2007-2009). In the doomed American Southwest, the birth rate plunged by 10%. Overall, it’s a 4% drop nationwide across all age groups — the biggest decline since the last time America nearly plummeted off the cliff of history, the mid-1970s. And that’s why Americans now love this dumb thing we accidentally made up, “LOLrats.” Read more on America Loves LOLRATS! (Because Americans Quit Having Babies)…
  alert the illitches

Heritage Foundation Guy: People Leaving Detroit Because It’s Liberal

The Heritage Foundation is a place for great thinkers, so it comes as no surprise that one of their geniuses has finally, from his little marble Koch cubicle in D.C., solved why Detroit is losing population: it’s full of liberals. Scary! One would think it would be easier for the people of Detroit to just start electing Teabaggers instead of leaving all their possessions behind and running to borders to escape the sheer terror of living under the rule of Democrats, but apparently that is not the case, according to this man who has never been to Detroit. This is such a brilliant answer to that city’s population loss! We bet if you look at other regions of the country led by Democrats, you will see the same thing. Regions such as the one ruled by Barack Obama. Read more on Heritage Foundation Guy: People Leaving Detroit Because It’s Liberal…
  it's morning in america

Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor

Glenn Beck’s contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck’s teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar with Glenn Beck’s darkest thoughts say that he is plotting his own teevee network — something resembling The History Channel, except more Nazi UFO documentaries. Beck already has a media company — Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre, geezus — but that’s only for radio and the Internets and his traveling circus shows. Here is how America’s leading “liberal” pay-per-view newspaper ends its muckraking piece of journalism: “Mr. Beck is ‘not Oprah yet.'” Haunting words. [NYT] Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor… Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor…
  home of famous lou sarah bloggers

Detroit Gets RoboCop

On a list of Detroit’s biggest problems, the lack of a statue honoring RoboCop would seem to rank rather low. For SOME people. For some. Yet in a city where some of the most prominent buildings have sat vacant for decades and booting a scandal-plagued mayor out of office took eight months, raising $50,000 to produce and install a 7-foot-tall iron replica of the crime-fighting cyborg was accomplished in a mere six days. Read more on Detroit Gets RoboCop…
  the rise of the olds

Lame Old White-Guy Terrorist Tries To Blow Up Mich. Mosque With Fireworks

You know what sometimes happens when people try to scare wingnuts by saying Dearborn, Michigan is a dangerous city full of Muslins that is trying to impose Shariah law on us all? Sometimes, an old white guy decides it needs to be blown up. Weird, huh? It’s like, How would such a person make a connection between the Fox News shows telling him such a place needs to stop existing and deciding he needs to go make it stop existing? 63-year old Roger Stockham of California loaded his car with fireworks and drove to Michigan to invest the state with tourism dollars and death. But then he made the mistake of telling a TRAITOROUS fellow non-Muslim at a bar that he was blowing up a mosque, and he was caught. And now he’s officially a failed terrorist. Read more on Lame Old White-Guy Terrorist Tries To Blow Up Mich. Mosque With Fireworks…
  impropriety in the news

Today In Rudeness: Meg Whitman Says Fresno Looks Like Detroit

When will Meg Whitman apologize for saying insensitive things about Fresno? Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman on Tuesday told the San Jose Mercury News editorial board that “Fresno looks like Detroit. It’s awful.” Read more on Today In Rudeness: Meg Whitman Says Fresno Looks Like Detroit…
  mittens' world

Mitt Romney’s Ghetto Home To Be Destroyed

The derelict city of Detroit is finally “getting serious” about razing thousands of boarded-up abandoned houses, and the worst ghetto crackhouse of all will soon be bulldozed: the childhood mansion of Mitt “Mittens” Romney. The Romneys and their servants once lived a life of Mormon Aristocracy in the five-bedroom two-story 5,500-square-foot estate in the once-grand neighborhood of Palmer Woods. (Actually, the neighborhood still looks nice beyond the Romney Slum Castle.) Why won’t Mitt Romney pay for the destruction of his awful haunted mansion instead of making Big Government take your tax dollars to knock down this horror-haus? Read more on Mitt Romney’s Ghetto Home To Be Destroyed…
  everyone loves to shit on detroit

Today In Tragicomic Third-World Anecdotes From Detroit

Kind of feel sorry for this guy, who seems nice and energetic and whatever, and is good at math, but still: the president of the Detroit school board may be functionally illiterate. No, really: it took him 10+ years to get his college degree because he kept failing an English proficiency exam, the requirement for which he eventually got dropped, like last year. He had a .98 GPA in high school. He loves typing e-mails, though! Mass e-mails, to colleagues: “If you saw Sunday’s Free Press that shown Robert Bobb the emergency financial manager for Detroit Public Schools, move Mark Twain to Boynton which have three times the number seats then students and was one of the reason’s he gave for closing school to many empty seats.” Eh, still better than the average Politico commenter. [Detroit News via Byron Crawford] Read more on Today In Tragicomic Third-World Anecdotes From Detroit…