Tag Archives: detroit

  that is racial transcendence

Racism Over Forever As Detroit Voters Are Okay With White Guy

As everyone knows the only real racists anymore are the blacks because they racistly always have to remind real Americans (the job creators who keep sunscreen manufacturers profitable) that life in this country wasn’t, you know, all that great for the blacks for a long, long time. Seriously, you guys, it’s long past time to just get over all that forced migration, involuntary servitude, and legally enforced segregation that was both separate and unequal. All that that stuff ended when famous John Bircher Martin Luther King, Jr., was murdered in a black-on-black street crime and his ghost appeared on Fox News to say “something something content of your character something something.” Still, these blacks keep whining about centuries of oppression like that’s anyone’s fault. Blacks are so into themselves they don’t even realize how racist Obamacare is to white people. Or that Mr. Kenyan Usurper thinks he’s only president of the blacks based on all the time talking about Trayvon Martin even though lots of white people voted for NOBAMA because so many whites are also racist against themselves. What you never see is a black person voting for a white candidate — except for all the times African-Americans do vote for white candidates — because they’re just so racist. That’s why pretty much everyone was so shocked when legitimate white guy Mike Duggan decided to run for mayor of 90% African-American Detroit. Could he win? Would it be historic? Will those blacks finally put aside their racism and vote for a white guy? Read more on Racism Over Forever As Detroit Voters Are Okay With White Guy…
  triumph of the will

George Will Knows Who To Blame For Detroit Bankruptcy, And It Is ‘Single Moms’ Of Course

Walking Ambien tablet George Will has a creative explanation for Detroit’s bankruptcy: It’s not about factories closing or jobs moving overseas or a declining tax base or anything to do with economics, really. Detroit is a basket case because “their problems are cultural.” Marvel at his impressive code-word gymnastics in this clip from ABC’s This Week, where Will manages to avoid saying “black” even once. Read more on George Will Knows Who To Blame For Detroit Bankruptcy, And It Is ‘Single Moms’ Of Course…
  they'll fix you. they fix everything

Motor City Has Car, Jackson Five Records Repossessed

After decades of declining population, factory closures, middle-class flight to the suburbs, and a shrinking tax base, Detroit filed for bankruptcy Thursday, leading to uncertainty about how the city will continue to provide essential services and meet its commitments to retirees — nah, just kidding, it doesn’t have to do any of that. Somehow, the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history was absolutely necessary even as the stock market is hitting record highs, corporate profits are also booming, and the auto industry is coming back from the financial crash. Even the GM bailout has turned out pretty well, and is set to return $1 billion to the Treasury from the sale of the government’s GM stock. So obviously, the Detroit bankruptcy is the fault of greedy unions. Read more on Motor City Has Car, Jackson Five Records Repossessed…
  go to hell

If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says

How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his “public transit” and his “the poor are human” stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not “fun.” This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church’s manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason we can think of to explain Detroit Archbishop Allen Vigneron’s recent panicky proclamation that Catholics who believe gays have a right to civil marriage should not take Communion. That should butch it up a notch! Read more on If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says…
  first they came for the kwames

Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time

This is really sad, you guys. Just because a federal jury decided that you can’t run a city like it was your personal organized crime family, former Detroit Mayor/convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick, a man Russell Simmons once called the “Hip Hop Mayor,” may never again enjoys the epicurean delights of Washington DC landmark “Benz Chili Bowl.” You may remember that Kilpatrick enjoyed Washington DC’s signature chilidog joint so much he delayed a visit to his Chief of Staff/mistress Christine Beatty, a woman who once wondered if there was a wrong way to fellate her mayor. Read more on Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time…
  literally

Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager

The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-“right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency manager to gut pensions restructure the city’s finances. Emergency management is a pretty severe budget-cutting process but Detroit is in such bad shape that even the guy who runs something called michiganliberal.com is like: Yeah, Detroit kind of needs this pain. Which is true because Detroit has been on the brink of running out of cash for the better part of a year, but it’s also one of those things where what did people expect? When a region of 4.4 million people literally concentrates its poverty and abandonment in a city of 700,000 (with an ever-shrinking middle-class population, fed up with a municipality with both high taxes and poor public services) things can only end badly. But why wallow in these big issues of “good governance” and “regionalism” when we can speculate who Snyder will select as Detroit’s very own Chris Traeger? Even national pundits like Charles Lane and David Weigel are getting into it. On “Fox News Sunday,” Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane suggested the former GOP presidential nominee and turnaround expert at private equity firm Bain Capital should get the job of turning Detroit around. “You do see that Mitt Romney is a person with a lot of ability and a lot of energy. Who still has got a lot to contribute, and, you know, his hometown of Detroit, right now, has just been put into state receivership or it’s about to be,” Lane said. “I wonder if there is no role for him in the restructuring of Detroit. He’d be the perfect person to do it. He has got the expertise, he’s a hometown guy, and he is a kind of a political free agent at this point. That is the kind of thing that he could, I think, contribute in the future.” Last week, Dave Weigel writing in a piece for the online magazine Slate titled “Give Detroit to Mitt Romney,” first suggested the move. This is a terrible idea and not just because Mittens is an insufferably entitled twit with no experience with municipal finance. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager…
  postracial harmony

Governor Rick Snyder Celebrates Black History Month By Taking Over Detroit

Remember Detroit? It’s a city in Michigan that used to be the thriving hub of the United States’ manufacturing industry. It was the Silicon Valley of its day, full of well-paid workers and virulently anti-semitic managers that nevertheless believed in corporate responsibility to the social contract. Sadly that city has fallen on hard times in the last thirty or so years and has been reduced to being the source of material for second-rate comedians and “ruin porn” for the derivative portfolios of uncreative art students. But on the plus side you can buy a house for roughly the same price as a used Honda! Read more on Governor Rick Snyder Celebrates Black History Month By Taking Over Detroit…
 

Detroit’s Abandoned Packard Plant Was Never A Concentration Camp, You Guys

Detroit’s decrepit Packard Plant is famous for many things. Auto workers used to make Packards there, hence the name. They stopped doing that in 1958. Then it became this stupid metaphorical abstraction used by parachute journalists to describe all of Detroit’s suffering and problems. Banksy once (allegedly) painted a mural there and it really made everyone think! The Packard also served as the setting for a superhero-themed gay porno. Because, why not? Recently, the Packard Plant became home to some guerrilla art that is, ummm, controversial. Yeah, let’s go with that. “Arbeit macht frei” (work makes you free) — three of the most profane and chilling words ever written — has been posted on the overpass of the mostly abandoned Packard Plant on the city’s east side. The phrase is a shocking and mocking reference to the infamous words posted over the entrance ways to a number of Nazi concentration camps during World War II, including Auschwitz, the horrific camp set up in Poland. How many ways is this stupid? Let’s count. Read more on Detroit’s Abandoned Packard Plant Was Never A Concentration Camp, You Guys…
  getting gay while going galt

Detroit’s Libertarian Belle Isle Plan Basically Gayer Fire Island With Lower Taxes

Meet Joe. Joe has no last name but he is a 6’2″ Syrian-American doctor with blond hair and blue eyes. In the self-published novel “Belle Isle: Detroit’s Game Changer,” Joe returns to his native Detroit to visit the quasi-independent protectorate/libertarian paradise of Belle Isle after living and running a hospital in Damascus for the past 20 years. “Belle Isle: Detroit’s Game Changer,” as you may have guessed, is an attempt to win hearts and minds for that plan to buy Detroit’s signature public park for one billion dollars, secede from Michigan, and build a tax-free gated community for going Galt. It is an interesting book. The author, senior housing developer Rod Lockwood (double phallus!), has a propensity to dress like Lord Voldermort. The typeface is also large so you can zip through the 144 pages in no time! Read more on Detroit’s Libertarian Belle Isle Plan Basically Gayer Fire Island With Lower Taxes…
  weekend at kwame's

America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail

If any Wonketteers happens to be in the vicinity of DC meat landmark “Benz Chili Bowl,” it would be really great if you could pick up an original chili half smoke for Detroit’s sexty ex-mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. What you’re gonna wanna do is hide a file inside the delicious pork treat and send it to Kwame care of the “Detroit Reentry Center,” where Kwame will be spending the weekend. Kwame, who spent the majority of his mayoral tenure texting about R. Kelly songs and blow jobs, will be back in jail this weekend for hiding monies from his probation officer. All told, he committed 14 probation violations. Read more on America’s Most Awful, Sexty Ex-Mayor Goes Back To Jail…
  four touchdowns against polk high

Let’s Learn About The Mitt Romney BFF Who Wants To Steal A Public Park, Secede From Michigan!

Where were you at noon on January 21, 2013? As a patriotic American, you were probably watching or listening to President Barack Obama’s inauguration speech about how our national quest for that more perfect union “guided our forebears through Seneca Falls, and Selma, and Stonewall.” Stirring stuff. And, as a patriotic American, you were probably like: “Yay America and yay democracy!” Because you care about the future of our republic. But not everyone is a patriotic American. For instance a group of Ayn Rand weirdos gathered at the Detroit Athletic Club during the inauguration to discuss their plot to build a tax-free Puerto Rico-style protectorate on Detroit’s Belle Isle, one of the finest public park spaces in the nation. Read more on Let’s Learn About The Mitt Romney BFF Who Wants To Steal A Public Park, Secede From Michigan!…
  worst galt ever

Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks

Sitting in the middle of the Detroit River is Belle Isle, one of the nation’s finest urban public parks. It was designed by Frederick Law Olmsted of Central Park fame. Unfortunately, Belle Isle isn’t in the best condition right now because Detroit is super poor. There exists a perfectly reasonable plan to make Belle Isle a state park so Michigan taxpayers can fund maintenance of this beloved landmark in the state’s largest city, as they do for comparable parks across the state. Naturally, this will never happen because Detroit doesn’t end up like Detroit by accident. It takes a lot of incompetence and inaction. Read more on Go Galt In Detroit’s Centrally Planned Puerto Rico For Rich Jerks…
  how are we blaming single mothers today?

Barack Obama Ruining Detroit With Illegitimate Babies, Unwed Whore Moms

Among the city of Detroit’s multitude of problems is crime. Well, not crime so much as murder. The city of 700,000-ish averaged about one murder a day in 2012 even as officials claim crime overall fell. Just like on The Wire! Nothing shady about crime down/murders up statistics at all. But why is Detroit so murder-y? The answer is Barack HUSSEIN Obama, natch. He’s the one killing people everyday in Detroit. No wait, that’s not right. Try this: Barack Obama is responsible for all of Detroit’s out-of-wedlock births. You know, because “the females” can’t resist his sexy charms. No wait, that’s not right. Here it is: Obama isn’t impregnating Detroit’s women. He’s just not stopping them from getting preggers, according to dumb Detroit News editorial cartoonist Henry Payne. Read more on Barack Obama Ruining Detroit With Illegitimate Babies, Unwed Whore Moms…
  as i remember it you're a moron

Steve Doocy Explains: Mitt Romney Saved The Auto Industry!

Don’t, by any means, click on the above video of Steve Doocy explainering that Mitt Romney saved the auto industry. We cannot be held responsible if you ignore our warnings and your eyeballs fall out of your head and roll back under your desk and get covered with all the dust bunnies collecting on your tangled mass of printer cords. (If we knew how to make a googly-eye emoticon, we would put it here.) Read more on Steve Doocy Explains: Mitt Romney Saved The Auto Industry!…
  cocktober

Detroit Police Chiefs Just Can’t Stop Doing Sex On Their Lady Cops

Well yikes, etc.! Pictured above is Detroit internal affairs (heh?) officer Angelica Robinson, who tweeted this angsty self-portrait after finding out that her lover, Detroit Police Chief Ralph Godbee, was sexin’ on someone else. Robinson, as you might have guessed, has had her service weapon removed from her possession, WHICH SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA. Godbee? He’s been suspended. Wait, is it 2010 again? No, that was when the last Detroit chief of police, Warren Evans, got canned for porking his subordinate. Read more on Detroit Police Chiefs Just Can’t Stop Doing Sex On Their Lady Cops…
  destroy the city in order to save it

Shouty Pundit Doesn’t Understand Brave Mitt Romney’s Plan To Save Detroit With Cleansing Fire

Mitt Romney says we don’t need any more of these socialist fire men (and women!) because Smokey the Bear said only you can prevent forest fires, so PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY! But loud televised Maoist Ed Schultz disagrees, pointing out that Detroit is burning pretty much constantly. Surely, Detroit could use some more firefighters? At the very least, the nearly bankrupt city could use some help making sure it keeps the fire department remains staffed at or near its present levels, right? Right? No. That would be very wrong, Mr. MSNBC union thug. Consider Detroit’s famous Packard Plant. This is a thing that used to be a thing because people made cars there. Then it became a thing because Eurotrash tourists like to visit and take Hipstamatic photographs inside the iconic urban ruin. But locally, the Packard Plant is mainly a thing because the bitch is always on fire. Read more on Shouty Pundit Doesn’t Understand Brave Mitt Romney’s Plan To Save Detroit With Cleansing Fire…