Tag Archives: detroit

  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably

Funny, not one working microphone, either.
Surprising news from Michigan: On Jan. 28, police in the Detroit suburb of Inkster were caught on dashcam dragging an African American man from his car, putting him in a chokehold, then repeatedly beating and tasering him because, they say, he was resisting arrest. We were surprised to learn that there’s a Detroit suburb named “Inkster.” Read more on Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably…
  those who thirst for justice

Detroit’s Spending $5.6 Million To Shut Off Residents’ Water. What Else Could They Spend That On?

Water Rites are another matter altogether
So you’re in Detroit, and you are poor. You probably forgot to pay your water bill for … oh, let’s say “forever” because of how you have no things like “money.” (Kind of like how the city doesn’t have any “money” for piddling little things like “street lights” and “police response.” Then you are probably interested in this story about demonstrators protesting in front of the company that’s been contracted to carry out the shutoffs — at a cost of $5.6 million. That amount of money seems rather large — yes, compared to the $89 million in total unpaid bills, it’s a…. oh, what’s that common term for “a tiny amount in comparison to some much larger amount,” anyway? But the unpaid bills are just revenue the City is missing out on — the shut-offs are an actual expense that the city is paying out. To leave people without water. In the summer. While the United Nations calls the shutoffs a human rights violation and Canadians bring bottled water over the border for Detroit. Read more on Detroit’s Spending $5.6 Million To Shut Off Residents’ Water. What Else Could They Spend That On?…
  men of a certain rage

Men’s Rights Activists Gather To Fight Misandry, Drink Some Brews, Bro Out

Too bad we haven’t yet made our big move to Detroit, because this International Conference on Men’s Issues that was held there this weekend sounds like a total hoot. Who wouldn’t have fun in a roomful of angry shut-ins embittered because the harlot to whom they had entrusted their bank accounts and their mighty seed took the kids and all the money and went to live at her sister’s place in Des Moines? Attendees numbered in the low three figures, though we’re not sure if media figures are included in the count. Among the poor bastards who got to expense a lovely summer weekend in Detroit was MSNBC’s Adam Serwer, who should receive some sort of medal for sitting through this: Read more on Men’s Rights Activists Gather To Fight Misandry, Drink Some Brews, Bro Out…
  pro-choicelessness

Broke-Ass Michigan Throwing All Its Money At This Fun Anti-Abortion Grift

Big News for Prolife Budget Hawks: The Michigan state legislature, which can’t afford anything anymore, did some Fiscal Responsibility the other day, appropriating $800,000 to “promote childbirth” and encourage pregnant ladies not to have no ‘bortions. It won’t include any money to actually help feed babbies or anything, but it will throw nearly a million dollars at “Real Alternatives, Inc.,” a nonprofit that opposes not only abortion, but also birth control — oh, and hadn’t seen a single client in the first eight months of its almost million-dollar contract. That really ought to help a heck of a lot in a state with high levels of unplanned pregnancies! Read more on Broke-Ass Michigan Throwing All Its Money At This Fun Anti-Abortion Grift…
  another box of dildos

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why All The Hatin’ On MRAs, Wonkette Dude?

We have nine million comments backed up in the queue, and they are just precious! We will make an effort to bring you as many of these “real characters” as we can in the next few installments of yr Dear Shitferbrains. Let’s see what frothy goodness the internet has left lapping up against the sides of our comment holding tank, shall we? To start with, we heard from a number of Men’s Rights Advocates who were quite put out indeed by our story Wednesday about an MRA group that crowdfunded $25,000 for extra security at a dumb convention they’re having in Detroit, because the hotel required them to have it, citing unspecified threats it had received. Our story did not sit well with would-be commenter “ARenMan,” who called us out on our unspeakable double standards: Oh! But if a big scary man looks at my boobs #YesAllMen But if feminists make terrorists make death threats against a legal, peaceful gathering . . . um . . . #YesAllMen Darn those well-organized feminist terrorists! Now, we of course do not think death threats are a laughing matter, at least depending on spelling. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why All The Hatin’ On MRAs, Wonkette Dude?…
  shut up you fucking babies

Grifty Wussy Men’s Rights Activists Dudes Need Your Money To Stop Ladies From Beating Them Up

You know, you’d think after one of their ilk murdered six people — men AND ladies — just a wee bit ago and was fueled by their signature disgusting froth of misogyny and self-loathing, the Men’s Rights Activists people (and oh, do we use the term “people” loosely) would be laying low, but that is not how MRAs roll oh no it is not. While the rest of the world is trying to throat punch them or at the bare minimum look at the ground and whistle until they pass by, the MRAs have decided to highlight their upcoming nonsense conference (nonference?) about how hard it is out there for dudes by doing some extra fundraising for increased security so big mean feminists can’t beat them up. Read more on Grifty Wussy Men’s Rights Activists Dudes Need Your Money To Stop Ladies From Beating Them Up…
  he don't need no stinking ballot

John Conyers Will Win Write-In Campaign With Your Stupid Ballot Tied Behind His Back

Having first been elected to the House of Representatives in 1964, one would think that Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) would have the whole “get enough signatures from constituents to make it onto the primary ballot” step down to a science by now. This cycle, however, he made a pretty big oopsie. The [Michigan Secretary of State] review concluded that at least petition signatures gathered by at least five circulators were invalid because they were either not registered to vote, not registered to vote while the petitions were being circulated or had addresses on the petitions that didn’t match their voter registrations. As a result, the SOS ruled Conyers had only 455 valid signatures, far short of the 1,000 required by state law. D’oh! Read more on John Conyers Will Win Write-In Campaign With Your Stupid Ballot Tied Behind His Back…
  you want this job don't you?

Awesome $175 Million Tax Break Creates 15 Awesome Jobs In Detroit!

So here’s a nice bit of synchronicity: Last night, The Daily Show did a beautifully ragey takedown of Fox News’s outrage at lazy welfare bums who get food stamps, while dismissing far more costly corporate tax breaks as just the necessary incentive needed to create jobs. And this morning, we find a tipline link (thanks, anonymous tipster!) to this Detroit Free Press story about the stunning effectiveness of tax incentives to attract industry and jerbs: In 2007, Marathon Oil was given a package of tax breaks — mostly through a property tax abatement, the largest in Detroit history — totaling about $175 million to encourage it to expand a refinery. Along with the expansion, the company promised jobs for local residents. And indeed, the number of workers at the plant expanded from 320 in 2007 to 514 full-time workers. The only hitch is that almost none of those jobs went to Detroit residents: Of the 514 employees, 30 are listed as Detroit residents as of January. In 2007, before the expansion, the company employed 15 Detroit residents. That means fewer than 6% of Marathon’s workers at the refinery live in the city. Yay for the prospering suburbs! Read more on Awesome $175 Million Tax Break Creates 15 Awesome Jobs In Detroit!…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Waltz Through A Wonderland of Weird

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, where we take a wire brush to our browser tabs, douse ‘em with brain bleach, and bring you the stories that were too stupid to ignore. We recommend a healthy portion of your favorite reality-dilution elixir before reading on. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Waltz Through A Wonderland of Weird…
  he seems nice

Michigan Republican Definitely Not Responsible For Saying We Should Fence Detroit, Round Up The Indians

Say you are a mean old Republican (but we repeat ourselves) who loves to say sparkling things about Detroit and how you will get carjacked there, and also funny quips about FEMA camping all the Indians and giving them smallpox. Oh you wit! You slay you! But then say someone quotes you saying those things! How is that even fair? It is not, obviously, and that is why we know who is to blame for Oakland County Executive L. Brooks Patterson saying, “I made a prediction a long time ago, and it’s come to pass. I said, ‘What we’re gonna do is turn Detroit into an Indian reservation, where we herd all the Indians into the city, build a fence around it, and then throw in the blankets and the corn.’” The person to blame, OBVIOUSLY, is … The New Yorker, for quoting him! Read more on Michigan Republican Definitely Not Responsible For Saying We Should Fence Detroit, Round Up The Indians…
  the place where his horses run free

Old Handsome Joe Biden Gets His Motor Running At Detroit Auto Show

Hey there, Old Handsome Joe Biden! How you liking the motorcars at the Detroit Auto Show? Too bad the Secret Service won’t let you take a literal victory lap, but the metaphorical kind isn’t bad, either: “What a difference five years makes,” Mr. Biden said to auto executives, noting that in 2009 car sales plunged and many questioned whether the auto industry could survive the recession. Auto sales have surged in recent months and climbed back to precrisis levels. “American cars and trucks are once again changing the game and I might add providing good, decent jobs,” he said. We would really like to be able to say that OHJB then burned donuts into the auto show carpet, sending journalists scattering, but sadly, that would be inaccurate. Canada’s National Journal does at least note that he gave it some thought: Sitting in some new models of the Jeep Cherokee and Chrysler 200, he joked to surrounding reporters that he might run them over. “I am driving it off,” said the flamboyant No. 2. Heh. “Flamboyant.” We believe that means that Mr. Vice President Old Handsome Biden is what you call a ho-mo-sechsul. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Gets His Motor Running At Detroit Auto Show…
  gin and jews

Peggy Noonan Does Not Care For Living In Red New York With Its Graceless Communist Leader

These were anxious days in the suite of rooms above Manhattan that Peggy Noonan called home. First there was the arctic blast of a snowstorm that swept into the city and shut down everything, the air so cold the gin froze right in the bottle the minute she carried it out of the Upper East Side bodega where she had purchased it. Here she was, a scribe of some importance, a woman who had written speeches for presidents and books for people who moved their lips while reading them, hunched over her kitchen sink using an icepick to chip away at the frozen block of gin clogging the neck of the bottle. Forced into this humiliating position because with public transportation shut down her man-servant could not make it to Manhattan from whatever godforsaken Bronx hellhole he lived in with his nineteen relatives, all of whom were named Manuel. “But Meesus Noonan,” he had whined earlier on the phone, “there is no heat here and I must huddle with my family to keep them warm. The baby, she is so tiny…” Peggy scowled and waved her icepick at the portrait of Robert Taft with which she sometimes conversed. “De Blasio’s New York,” she muttered. “One day that socialist has been the mayor and already the Manuels of this city are turning on us. Next I suppose that commie will tell me I have a moral obligation to pay my man-servant a decent wage so he can at least afford a space heater for his tenement to keep his family from turning into chipotle-flavored popsicles. Oh Mr. Taft!” She threw the icepick aside and dashed the bottle against the edge of the sink. The glass fell away, leaving her with a bottle-shaped ice cube made of gin, which she began to lick greedily as the gin melted and sluiced down her chin. “This used to be a decent city…” Read more on Peggy Noonan Does Not Care For Living In Red New York With Its Graceless Communist Leader…
  roboCop not included

Detroit Offers Free Houses To Writers; Wonkette Moving HQ to Detroit

In an effort to help revitalize the city, a Detroit nonprofit is offering free houses to writers who come to live and work there for a minimum of two years. Your Wonkette definitely wants to get in on a deal like this, so the entire writing staff is preparing to pick up and move. As a bunch of liberal 47-percenters, we really do feel entitled to free stuff, so we figure we’ll just show up and say, OK, here we are, let’s get to revitalizing. Might make for a half-decent reality show, too. Editrix will get her own place, Lisa and Kaili can have another, Gary and Alex can split a swinging bachelor house, and DDM and Yr. Dok Zoom can take the Curmudgeon Quarters. And then we’ll all zip up and down the street on our 7-rider conference trike. This is going to be awesome. Read more on Detroit Offers Free Houses To Writers; Wonkette Moving HQ to Detroit…
  things that make you go boom

Boston Mayor Will Show Detroit How Much He Loves It By Blowing It Sky High

Oh, Boston. Why don’t you do right like those other cities do? We gave you some tongue-kissing-level love yesterday when we found out you’d feed the poors. We scheduled a visit to your fair town that will be economy-stimulating because we drink a lot. (A LOT.) How do you repay our affections? YOU DO NOT. You spurn our love by your mayor Thomas Menino saying that he would like to visit Detroit so he could blow it up. Wait, what?? Read more on Boston Mayor Will Show Detroit How Much He Loves It By Blowing It Sky High…
  that is racial transcendence

Racism Over Forever As Detroit Voters Are Okay With White Guy

As everyone knows the only real racists anymore are the blacks because they racistly always have to remind real Americans (the job creators who keep sunscreen manufacturers profitable) that life in this country wasn’t, you know, all that great for the blacks for a long, long time. Seriously, you guys, it’s long past time to just get over all that forced migration, involuntary servitude, and legally enforced segregation that was both separate and unequal. All that that stuff ended when famous John Bircher Martin Luther King, Jr., was murdered in a black-on-black street crime and his ghost appeared on Fox News to say “something something content of your character something something.” Still, these blacks keep whining about centuries of oppression like that’s anyone’s fault. Blacks are so into themselves they don’t even realize how racist Obamacare is to white people. Or that Mr. Kenyan Usurper thinks he’s only president of the blacks based on all the time talking about Trayvon Martin even though lots of white people voted for NOBAMA because so many whites are also racist against themselves. What you never see is a black person voting for a white candidate — except for all the times African-Americans do vote for white candidates — because they’re just so racist. That’s why pretty much everyone was so shocked when legitimate white guy Mike Duggan decided to run for mayor of 90% African-American Detroit. Could he win? Would it be historic? Will those blacks finally put aside their racism and vote for a white guy? Read more on Racism Over Forever As Detroit Voters Are Okay With White Guy…
  triumph of the will

George Will Knows Who To Blame For Detroit Bankruptcy, And It Is ‘Single Moms’ Of Course

Walking Ambien tablet George Will has a creative explanation for Detroit’s bankruptcy: It’s not about factories closing or jobs moving overseas or a declining tax base or anything to do with economics, really. Detroit is a basket case because “their problems are cultural.” Marvel at his impressive code-word gymnastics in this clip from ABC’s This Week, where Will manages to avoid saying “black” even once. Read more on George Will Knows Who To Blame For Detroit Bankruptcy, And It Is ‘Single Moms’ Of Course…
  they'll fix you. they fix everything

Motor City Has Car, Jackson Five Records Repossessed

After decades of declining population, factory closures, middle-class flight to the suburbs, and a shrinking tax base, Detroit filed for bankruptcy Thursday, leading to uncertainty about how the city will continue to provide essential services and meet its commitments to retirees — nah, just kidding, it doesn’t have to do any of that. Somehow, the largest municipal bankruptcy in American history was absolutely necessary even as the stock market is hitting record highs, corporate profits are also booming, and the auto industry is coming back from the financial crash. Even the GM bailout has turned out pretty well, and is set to return $1 billion to the Treasury from the sale of the government’s GM stock. So obviously, the Detroit bankruptcy is the fault of greedy unions. Read more on Motor City Has Car, Jackson Five Records Repossessed…
  go to hell

If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says

How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his “public transit” and his “the poor are human” stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not “fun.” This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church’s manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason we can think of to explain Detroit Archbishop Allen Vigneron’s recent panicky proclamation that Catholics who believe gays have a right to civil marriage should not take Communion. That should butch it up a notch! Read more on If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says…
  first they came for the kwames

Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time

This is really sad, you guys. Just because a federal jury decided that you can’t run a city like it was your personal organized crime family, former Detroit Mayor/convicted felon Kwame Kilpatrick, a man Russell Simmons once called the “Hip Hop Mayor,” may never again enjoys the epicurean delights of Washington DC landmark “Benz Chili Bowl.” You may remember that Kilpatrick enjoyed Washington DC’s signature chilidog joint so much he delayed a visit to his Chief of Staff/mistress Christine Beatty, a woman who once wondered if there was a wrong way to fellate her mayor. Read more on Ex-Detroit Mayor/Ben’s Chili Bowl Aficionado Kwame Kilpatrick Going To Jail For Long, Long, Long Time…
  literally

Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager

The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-“right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency manager to gut pensions restructure the city’s finances. Emergency management is a pretty severe budget-cutting process but Detroit is in such bad shape that even the guy who runs something called michiganliberal.com is like: Yeah, Detroit kind of needs this pain. Which is true because Detroit has been on the brink of running out of cash for the better part of a year, but it’s also one of those things where what did people expect? When a region of 4.4 million people literally concentrates its poverty and abandonment in a city of 700,000 (with an ever-shrinking middle-class population, fed up with a municipality with both high taxes and poor public services) things can only end badly. But why wallow in these big issues of “good governance” and “regionalism” when we can speculate who Snyder will select as Detroit’s very own Chris Traeger? Even national pundits like Charles Lane and David Weigel are getting into it. On “Fox News Sunday,” Washington Post opinion writer Charles Lane suggested the former GOP presidential nominee and turnaround expert at private equity firm Bain Capital should get the job of turning Detroit around. “You do see that Mitt Romney is a person with a lot of ability and a lot of energy. Who still has got a lot to contribute, and, you know, his hometown of Detroit, right now, has just been put into state receivership or it’s about to be,” Lane said. “I wonder if there is no role for him in the restructuring of Detroit. He’d be the perfect person to do it. He has got the expertise, he’s a hometown guy, and he is a kind of a political free agent at this point. That is the kind of thing that he could, I think, contribute in the future.” Last week, Dave Weigel writing in a piece for the online magazine Slate titled “Give Detroit to Mitt Romney,” first suggested the move. This is a terrible idea and not just because Mittens is an insufferably entitled twit with no experience with municipal finance. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager…
  postracial harmony

Governor Rick Snyder Celebrates Black History Month By Taking Over Detroit

Remember Detroit? It’s a city in Michigan that used to be the thriving hub of the United States’ manufacturing industry. It was the Silicon Valley of its day, full of well-paid workers and virulently anti-semitic managers that nevertheless believed in corporate responsibility to the social contract. Sadly that city has fallen on hard times in the last thirty or so years and has been reduced to being the source of material for second-rate comedians and “ruin porn” for the derivative portfolios of uncreative art students. But on the plus side you can buy a house for roughly the same price as a used Honda! Read more on Governor Rick Snyder Celebrates Black History Month By Taking Over Detroit…