Wonkette

People in Detroit hate nothing more than the Toyota Prius, because it is made by the “Orientals” in awful Japan. And unemployed blogger Meghan McCain, it so happens, drives one of these vehicles because she is a close friend of the Japanese President, Hirohito. Last week, John McCain tried to denounce his “daughter” by telling the local media that Meghan bought the dumb car herself, which is of course a lie, because Meghan McCain has no personal source of income. [Detroit News]

The most patriotic mayor in the world will not be mayor of Detroit anymore. Kwame Kilpatrick has reached a plea bargain with authorities, so now he has to resign and serve four months in jail, and also he will repay the city ONE MILLION DOLLARS. After the jump, a quick review of the mayor’s goofy hijinks that we shall never see again now that he is an awful humiliated loser who can’t spell “Ben’s Chili Bowl.” MORE »

The Mayor of Detroit has gotten into more scrapes than Harriet the Spy and Ramona Quimby combined, times a million. Nonetheless, Kwame Kilpatrick will get to throw off his electronical tether and CUT LOOSE at the Democratic National Convention in Denver later on this month. The judge who has been so mean to him lately, throwing him in jail for various things, said it would be fine for Kilpatrick to go be a superdelegate at the convention because “No one has been found guilty of anything … Let’s not trash the Constitution.” Well, that sounds oddly reasonable! We look forward to running into the Mayor at the Verizon Wireless store, where he will be buying phones to send sexy text messages to Madeleine Albright. [AP]

The mayor of Detroit keeps getting into comical scrapes, which is great because any time the Detroit Free Press needs to fill its news hole they just look out the window and see what kind of buffoonery Kwame Kilpatrick is engaged in at that hour of the day. In our latest installment, the judge presiding over the mayor’s EIGHT FELONY CASES tells him to go to jail after he visits Canada. MORE »

The Great Romancer of Detroit, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, may not have confined his sex-LOLs to former aide Christine Beatty. Now the prosecutor in his perjury case, Kym Worthy, has changed the wording in criminal charges to suggest that he was whoring around on women besides Beatty and his wife. In response, this comical doofus said that Worthy was just hoping to use “the racism of this region” against him. MORE »

Kwame Kilpatrick, the laughable clown and still-not-fired mayor of Detroit, suggests that INTERNET HAXXORS may have gotten into his phone and sent slutty text messages to his chief of staff. His defense team is arguing that the prosecution (he might go to jail for perjury, obstruction of justice, and aggravated LOLing) must prove that the Mayor himself, and not some prankster, wrote the half-literate messages promising sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl. At least one legal expert reckons this will not be too difficult. [Freep.com]

Politico’s Ben Smith has posted a HIT PIECE on Barack Obama today, calling him a FRAUD, who is CONSCIOUS of IMAGE. Two Muslim women, apparently, were supposed to stand behind Obama’s podium at his big Al Gore Rally in Detroit on Monday. They each were wearing “Muslim headscarves,” however, and since Barack Obama must not ever be near any known Muslims, his campaign volunteers wouldn’t allow the two gals behind the podium after all. So now we’ve got one of those Old Politics/New Politics/Hypocrisy things on our hands. MORE »

MOST ELITIST PHOTO OF ALL TIME: The Detroit Free Press is so in-the-tank for Barack Obama that they used some terribly expensive camera to cover his rally with Al Gore in Michigan yesterday. It’s a 360-degree shot of a packed Joe Louis Arena, and you can swivel it, zoom in, zoom out, marvel at the diverse crowd of hard-working white Americans and black children, or whatever it is that gets you off about these big Hopey cult rituals. [Detroit Free Press]

Sexy text-messager Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t want his “legal problems” to reflect poorly on Barack Obama, so he won’t be attending a rally to support the candidate in Detroit today. “Legal problems” is certainly one way of putting it! Pretty much everybody in the Detroit metropolitan area has tried to get Mayor Kilpatrick to resign after it came out that he and his staffer ladyfriend basically got a cop fired and later lied about it, all so that they could keep texting each other about how much they wanted to LOL each other in a sexy fashion at the Benz Chili Bowl. Naturally, when the city council tried to fire him he vetoed the motion because that would be Undemocratic. MORE »

Things haven’t gotten much better since we last checked in on Kwame Kilpatrick, the comical mayor of Detroit and a leading contender for Barack Obama’s black vice presidency. You may recall that his “woes” include bangin’ his chief of staff — the gal he seduced by texting racy notes about “Benz Chili Bowl” — and then firing a bunch of officials who found out about the affair, which he denied doing last summer until, of course, THE TEXTS CAME OUT. He also held sexy stripper parties at his mayoral mansion. So he’s the best mayor of Detroit since Eminem, and he’s under indictment for everything, and yesterday he basically vetoed his own ouster.

The city council is trying to get rid of this clown however it can.

It will likely follow the obvious path, which is that the council president, a monster named Shrek, says “WE GON REMOVE KWAME” to his friend Donkey, who is Eddie Murphy in Furry get-up, and then Monica Conyers is the evil purple dragon, the end. Wait, what? Oh, right: the city council can begin removal proceedings at the discretion of the council president, and probably will.

The council did, however, vote to request that Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm use her magical girl powers to remove Kilpatrick from office — a largely “symbolic” measure. But Kwame is a Man’s Man and does not like symbolism, which is why he VETOED THE MEASURE yesterday in hilariously tyrannical fashion:

But Bill Goodman, the council’s attorney, said Kilpatrick’s veto will have no impact on the proceedings that could lead to Kilpatrick’s ouster. That’s because only one person’s written request — in this case from council President Ken Cockrel Jr., acting on behalf of the council — is needed to begin the process, Goodman said.

Goodman called the mayor’s logic “lunacy” because the charter prohibits a mayoral veto on quasi-judicial actions.

Kilpatrick will likely respond that the charter says nothing about “Kwame-judicial actions.”

Mayor Kilpatrick vetoes removal effort [Detroit Free Press]

Remember that time yesterday when Barack Obama acted like a Texas waitress and called that young female reporter “sweetie”? Well, he left her a contrite voicemail promising never to call her that terrible word again. The full transcript after the jump. MORE »

You may recall how Monica Conyers, wife of ancient Congressman John Conyers and President Pro-Tem of the Detroit City Council, recently got into a comical shouting match with the Council President while in session and ultimately called him “Shrek,” as a pejorative. In this video, the Detroit News brings a group of schoolchildren into the Council chamber to ask Conyers about her behavior, and it devolves into a heated debate in which an 8th grader completely destroys Conyers. You will not regret watching the whole clip. [YouTube]

Let us revert our attention back to the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and his human foibles for some time today. Kilpatrick — the greatest mayor in American history — was indicted earlier this year for perjury, obstruction of justice and “conspiracy” along with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Kilpatrick happened to be shtupping Beatty several years ago, and then some city officials got wind of it, and then Kilpatrick fired those city officials for… being lame? And then Kilpatrick and Beatty both completely lied about the nature of these firings in investigative hearings last year. But it was those text messages, those sexy text messages, that the two had exchanged back and forth that did them in. Now an 18-page memo has been released listing all of the good text messages Beatty and Kilpatrick shared. Let’s read them, LOL LOL! MORE »

Check out the video here of Congressman John Conyers’ wife, Monica Conyers — President Pro-Tem of the Detroit City Council — getting very mad and shouting with the Council President while in session. Our tipster writes that she is “a bazillion years younger than husband John Conyers, and completely insane.” What a catch! [Click On Detroit]