Unbelievably batshit Detroit City Council member Monica Conyers, comparatively young wife of old Congressman John Conyers, may finally go to jail for being an insane, violent criminal. She “has received a pre-indictment letter from federal authorities who have given her until the end of today to reach a plea deal or they will proceed with possible criminal charges against her.” Conyers is famous for threatening people with guns, getting into a shouting match with the Council president — while in session — during which she called him “Shrek,” getting into another shouting match with another Council member during which she “made fun of his hearing, his lack of college degree and started rumors that he has cancer,” and most importantly, in one of the best YouTubes your editor can recall, losing a debate to an 8th grader and getting pissy about it. Will you pray for her today? MORE »

Kim Capello, the married heterosexual male county commissioner from Nowheresville, Michigan, electrified the Republican party this spring when police allegedly caught him having naked sex with an adult lady, in public. “I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” he later told reporters, in a clear show of remorse for not having been caught in a fur suit soliciting sex from teenage boys. MORE »

GOP “moderates” are ecstatic over the news that some nobody Republican commissioner in some no-name Michigan suburb was caught drunkenly boning some gal on a sidewalk, at 2 a.m. The dude, for some reason named “Kim Capello,” was arrested after the police got calls about some naked people fucking in public. The woman being fucked was not the dude’s wife — it appears she wasn’t arrested, so maybe she was just killed at the scene, by the cops? Probably. And now the dude, “Kim,” may go to jail for 93 days. MORE »

Do you own some terrible old car? Probably not! But you might be making payments on some terrible old car. Communist Premier Nobama and his Duma-Politburo (the House and Senate) have got a great deal for you: Just trade in your gas-guzzling sticker-covered crapmobilie full of McDonald’s bags for a shiny new better-mileage-getting Automobile of the Future, and you’ll get $4,500. That is, what, equal to about a year’s worth of unemployment? MORE »

Back when George Bush was the 36th best president of the United States, he suggested that the incoming administration appoint a Benevolent Despot Emperor of Automobiles, colloquially known as a “car czar,” to tend to the heaping pile of unsold inventory and feces that is the American automotive industry. And it seemed like Barack Obama would appoint this czar, in deference to tradition. MORE »

Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but this will not deter him from fulfilling the American dream: homesteading, and starting anew, in the West. Hooray for the “safety valve” theory of American expansion! Now let’s all go shoot people hmm? MORE »

America, meet your new presidential limousine, this scary-ass legoland 100-foot-long bumper boat. It is a General Motors Cadillac! MORE »

SELF-PARKING CAR WILL SAVE AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY: This is why Ford don’t need no stinking bailout — all it needs is some good old-fashioned frivolous vehicular techmologies nobody wanted in the first place! “The technology uses ultrasonic sensors on the front and rear of the vehicle, combined with electric power steering to angle and guide it into a snug parking space — all with the push of a button.” Awesome, we will take twenty million of these pointless thingamajigs. [AP]

Here’s the main image on the RNC’s website: a calendar of George W. Bush, his wife Laura, and their little pooches. They are for sale of course! But no one will ever buy them after today, since George W. Bush decided to take $17.4 billion worth of existing funds from Hank Paulson — who likely spent that much on an evil failed bank between 9:04 and 9:04:08 a.m. this morning — to save potentially 100,000 jobs and the economy of an entire region, for a little while at least. Wow, Bush, KARL MARX MUCH? He’s probably a Muslim too! And now the entire GOP hates him, especially one John “Walnuts” McCain, who blames Bush for ruining his career several times. [RNC, Politico]

The shameful publicity whore Barack Obama will be holding his FIFTH press conference of the WEEK today, while the ever modest George W. Bush holds his first in months. (Ha ha we kid, he tore himself away from his Wii to mutter some not-very-encouraging things about our teetering American economy, once, in early November. The stock market tanked.) So let’s see what our bold and fearless leader has to say about resurrecting an industry singlehandedly brought down by the famously corrupt United Auto Workers, who keep promoting this Socialist idea that people should receive “money” in exchange for their “labor.” MORE »

Pat Buchanan has written a real ripsnorter of a column in the American Conservative about how the Republicans are a bag of salty dicks, for hating Detroit. Detroit could be worse — for example, they could be Japs: “But why this ‘Let-them-eat-cake!’ coldness toward U.S. auto companies? General Motors employs more workers than all these foreign plants combined. And, unlike Mitsubishi, General Motors didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor.” [American Conservative]