America’s boldest government effort to employ the retarded — the Transportation Security Administration — just announced its security guards are now unable to notice a record 75% of the fake bombs brought through Los Angeles International Airport’s x-ray machines. The numbers are almost as miserable in Chicago, where 60% of the fake bombs went unnoticed by TSA losers at O’Hare.

But TSA chief Kip Hawley proudly noted that the airport screeners took 96% of passengers’ toothpaste, 88% of their dry stick deodorant and an impressive 79% of $3 bottles of water purchased after going through security.

Most fake bombs missed by screeners [USA Today] MORE »

Few things have united Americans as much as the Illegal Alien Amnesty Bill of 2007. Almost everyone is against it. Millions have angrily called their senators and representatives, tens of thousands have protested around the country, and 80% of those polled oppose it — 80% of voters, anyway. MORE »

The Union Station/National Postal Museum terror mystery has been solved! Hooray for the War On Terror!

A foul-smelling package led to Thursday’s evacuation of a post office next to the Smithsonian’s National Postal Museum.

So what did the package contain? Two cans of spinach and a dirty diaper.

There you go, Islamo-Fascists: If you want to bring down the capital of the United States, don’t waste your time with dirty bombs and hijacked airliners (or hijacked trains). Just leave a box of shit (and spinach) at the post office. MORE »

The Islamo-Fascists apparently hijacked a train, which they’re going to use to, uhh … skip some stops in Maryland? MORE »