Tag Archives: Department of Justice

  strange fruit

Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow

Huh, he looks all right to us
Yes, Ferguson cop Darren Wilson killed an unarmed black teenager, to death, but in addition to getting a “Nah, man, it’s cool, we get it” from the local grand jury, he likely won’t have charges filed against him by the Department of Justice, either. Ergo, as Fox News has been spewing at us since the non-charges news was first leaked, it is an obvious simple fact that the DOJ never had any legitimate reason to investigate the Ferguson Police Department or Darren Wilson in the first place. It was all a scheme, man, nefariously plotted by Attorney General Eric Holder and Co-Attorney General Al Sharpton and Thinks He’s So President Obama, to start some riots an do some reverse racism. Read more on Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow…
  Revised Revisionist History

Fox Knows Who Is To Blame For Ferguson Riots (It’s Still Eric Holder Obvs)

Portrait of a man looking forward to a nice university president job
Fox News wasted no time in repackaging the news that the Justice Department is not expected to file civil rights charges against Darren Wilson in the killing of Michael Brown, according to a report in the New York Times, into an astonishingly distorted pack of lies about Ferguson. Yes, we know you’re shocked. Read more on Fox Knows Who Is To Blame For Ferguson Riots (It’s Still Eric Holder Obvs)…
  And Put Back That Sandwich They 'Borrowed'

AG Eric Holder Tells Cops They Can’t Steal Your Stuff Anymore

Portrait of a man looking forward to a nice university president job
Attorney General Eric Holder is putting the kibosh on the get-rich-quick scheme used by local and state police to take your stuff for fun and profit just because they wanna. (Also, they get rich! Quick!) Read more on AG Eric Holder Tells Cops They Can’t Steal Your Stuff Anymore…
  Can’t we put this behind us already?

Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now

Nothing to see here, move along
Image via Wikimedia Commons. Here is everything you need to know about rape: it all comes down to a woman named “Jackie.” Jackie may or may not be lying about being gang-raped at a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But if she is — and plenty of journalists are determined to prove that’s the case — then there’s no reason for us to talk about rape, or the rape problem at UVA, which is under federal investigation, or the rape problem on college campuses, or the rape problem in America. Because if Jackie is lying, none of that matters. Read more on Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now…
  SCAIR tactics

Will D.O.J. Investigate Gun Range Lady Just For Refusing To Let Muslims Behead Us?

Yes, yes, you'd hit that. Sexist.
In a move that could only have been predicted by someone with detectable brainwave activity, a Muslim civli rights group has asked the Justice Department to investigate that nice lady who proudly announced that she was banning Muslims from her gun range. The Council on American-Islamic Relations sent a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder asking DOJ to investigate whether Jan Morgan, owner of the Gun Cave Indoor Firing Range in Hot Springs, Arkansas, has violated civil rights laws and the terms of her license to sell firearms. Read more on Will D.O.J. Investigate Gun Range Lady Just For Refusing To Let Muslims Behead Us?…
  the morning after

Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift

nice car
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Like the long days and warm weather, the Trial of the Century of the Summer had to come to an end. On Thursday, Bob and Maureen McDonnell were convicted of their many alleged crimes against Virginian Humanity (and acquitted of a couple counts of lying to a bank, whatevs). While we’re waiting for Lord and Lady Griftington to be sentenced in January, let’s see what Virginia has to say about the guilty guilty pretty much totally guilty verdicts of its former first couple! Read more on Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift…
  Anything To Distract From Benghazi

DOJ Will Probe Ferguson Police Department As Soon As Extra-Thick Rubber Gloves Arrive

Mailbox to testify in DOJ investigation
In news that proves once and for all that the Obama administration hates white people, the Department of Justice is launching a civil rights investigation of the Ferguson, Missouri, Police Department. This new investigation will go beyond the existing investigation into whether Officer Darren Wilson violated Michael Brown’s civil rights, what with all the killing of him to death. The DOJ’s civil rights division will look at the broader history of Ferguson’s Keystone Stormtroopers to determine whether there’s been a pattern of abuses, which of course there has been, but they’re going to do it all legal-like, instead of just reading the interwebs like a bunch of filthy bloggers. Wonder if they’ll find anything? We’re thinking that is just possible. For instance, there’s this, from the Washington Post: Read more on DOJ Will Probe Ferguson Police Department As Soon As Extra-Thick Rubber Gloves Arrive…
  Won't Someone Please Think of the Keychains?

U.S. Marshals Had Very Good Reasons To Buy $2 Million Worth Of Teddy Bears, Probably

Probably not licensed...yet
You know how Big Government is always wasting money on unnecessary crap like feeding children, keeping bridges from falling down, and inspecting meat? We know those things are wasteful, because Fox News tells us so. And now we learn that, before Tyrant Obama’s 2011 directive to cut down on funding for logo-embossed crap (which was loudly protested by the logo-embossed-crap industry), it turns out that the U.S. Marshals Service (USMS) managed to spend nearly $2 million on “promotional items” — really important things that advanced the mission of the USMS by making people aware of its existence, like poker chips, golf towels, pens, calendars and for all we know, logo-bedecked Personal Sanitary Supplies for the ladies and hula hoops for the kids. There was a bit of a News Flap last November when an initial report from the Justice Department’s Inspector General suggested that the USMS had blown over $800,000 on such useless promotional swag, but that report didn’t contain any details — so the nice folks at Muckrock did a Freedom of Information Act request for the invoices — and got 173 pages of documents detailing purchases of necessary promotional crap like stickers, lanyards, “challenge coins,” travel mugs, tee shirts, “Junior Deputy Badges,” mouse pads, and god knows what else. The total came to almost $2 million, including purchases for local and regional offices. Read more on U.S. Marshals Had Very Good Reasons To Buy $2 Million Worth Of Teddy Bears, Probably…
  won't someone think of the porn star moms?

Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break

If you are a DC politician, you are duty-bound to spend as much of the summer outside the city as possible. If you’re stuck in the swamp, you can at least take advantage of the hollowed-out Capitol and switch up your normal routine. Take a zealously investigated page from Republican Congressman Darrell Issa! In a change of pace after all that mikey-cutty stuff with Elijah Cummings (D-BADASS) during this spring’s comedic roast of Lois Lerner, Darrell is indulging in a little light summer outrage and sounding the alarm on the latest “unprecedented abuse of power”TM by the Obama-Industrial Complex. Darrell took a field trip to the Cato Institute for a show-and-tell about Operation Choke Point, a program at the Department of Justice that he says is limiting access to vital banking services, including funds transfer and credit card payment processing, for legal but “unpopular” businesses. Cato claims the DOJ is using Choke Point to harass gun dealers and porn stars, but we soon found out that none other than our most beloved American industrialists, the Koch brothers, could have their points choked at any moment. Read more on Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break…
  gone fishin'

Mean Judge Blocks Wingnut Search For All The Gays In Justice Department

Pour out a 40 for the latest rightwing witch hunt, which was burned at the stake by Federal Judge Ellen Segal Huvelle — she decided against a Judicial Watch lawsuit in a Freedom of Information Act case. All Judicial Watch wanted was information that could identify gays in the Department of Justice so it could prove that the DOJ was full of gays. Where did this out-of-control judge get the idea that federal employees get privacy? Read more on Mean Judge Blocks Wingnut Search For All The Gays In Justice Department…
  thug life

National Review Explains Why More Black Preschoolers Are Suspended: It’s Because They Are Criminals

You probably remember, somewhere under the absinthe haze you live in, that story from Friday about the racial disparity in school suspensions: starting in preschool, black children are far more likely to be suspended from school than white kids. Well, in a complete surprise to nobody, the National Review Online has proclaimed that it’s just common sense that black 4- and 5-year-olds are more unruly, because just look at the black crime rate: Black males between the ages of 14 and 17 commit homicide at ten times the rate of white and Hispanic males of the same age combined. Given such high crime rates, what do the civil-rights advocates and the Obama administration think is going on in the classroom — docile obedience and strict self-discipline? In fact, the same weak impulse control that leads to such high crime rates among young black males inevitably means more disruptive behavior in school. It just makes sense, says NRO’s Heather MacDonald, presumably because there’s just something about white and Hispanic preschoolers that makes them so much better at impulse control. Read more on National Review Explains Why More Black Preschoolers Are Suspended: It’s Because They Are Criminals…
  bitches set them up

Missoula, Montana, Prosecutors Have A Way Of Shutting Rape Victims Down

You know what it means when we break out the Emergency Kittens, folks. This time around, they are there to help you get through your rage while you read this Mother Jones story about the Department of Justice’s probe of the Missoula, Montana, County Attorney’s Office, which found that when prosecutors bothered to pursue sexual assault cases at all, they “often [treat] these victims with disrespect” and occasionally don’t even prosecute cases for which there are eyewitnesses or even confessions. The DOJ sent a letter to the prosecutor’s office Friday, informing them of the investigation. Jocelyn Samuels, the Acting Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division, released a statement Friday on the DOJ investigation: “We uncovered evidence of a disturbing pattern of deficiencies in the handling of these cases by the County Attorney’s Office, a pattern that not only denies victims meaningful access to justice, but places the safety of all women in Missoula at risk.” Missoula County Attorney Fred Van Valkenburg denied the accusations in an email to Mother Jones Saturday, claiming that “everything the DOJ is saying about our office is false” and that “these people” are pushing a “political agenda” in their investigation. Van Valkenberg also claimed that the DOJ had made “no effort whatsoever” to inform him that the report was about to be released. A DOJ spokeswoman told the magazine that the department had attempted “more than a half-dozen times over the past 21 months” to reach an “amicable resolution” with the Missoula County Attorney’s Office, but that’s different from telling Van Valkenburg that they were going to release a report about all that, now isn’t it? Read more on Missoula, Montana, Prosecutors Have A Way Of Shutting Rape Victims Down…
  morning in gaymerica

Anti-Gay Bigots Accuse Attorney General Eric Holder Of Federal Over-Reach-Around On Gay Rights

Don’t look now, but marriage as we know it is crumbling. Seriously, the allure of man-on-dog-on-oak-tree action is running rampant, and Uncle Sam is doing nothing but encouraging these unnatural homosexual unions, and treating gay people like people, which is UNACCEPTABLE. Attorney General Eric Holder is pushing this ‘all men created equal’ bullshit even further, per The Hill: Attorney Gen. Eric Holder revealed Saturday that the Justice Department would issue a policy memo this week granting gay couples the ability to file jointly for bankruptcy and guaranteeing that married same–sex partners would not be forced to testify against each other in trial. The book of Revelations clearly states that the Apocalypse will be preceded by civilly married gay couples going broke and filling out paperwork for joint bankruptcy JUST LIKE STRAIGHT COUPLES DO. Repent! Or INPEACH! Or something. Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Anti-Gay Bigots Accuse Attorney General Eric Holder Of Federal Over-Reach-Around On Gay Rights…
  self-inflicted derp

Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby

If you woke up this morning and thought that there was a foul odor wafting through the universe, your senses were not deceiving you. Cosmic skidmark Darrell Issa (R-CA) is back in the news. This time it’s about his lawsuit against Attorney General Eric Holder and the whole Fast & Furious thingy. Apparently, Issa is acutely perturbed that his TWO-YEAR OLD lawsuit is hitting some roadblocks, per Slate: DOJ [The Department of Justice] asked the court to delay court proceedings, explaining that its appropriations had lapsed on Sept. 30, and that “Absent an appropriation, Department of Justice attorneys and employees are prohibited from working, even on a voluntary basis, except in very limited circumstances, including ‘emergencies involving the safety of human life or the protection of property.’” Well, this did not sit well with Issa, who filed a motion with the Court to make the DOJ keep working on this particular project, because… well, because Issa apparently doesn’t understand that when he votes to shut down the government, it means ALL the government, not just the parts he doesn’t like. Let’s see what a federal judge has to say.  Read more on Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby…
  the voting whites act

Tyrannical Justice Department Will Sue To Force Its ‘Let Everybody Vote’ Agenda on North Carolina

The U.S. Department of Justice will sue to block North Carolina’s terrible new voter suppression laws, according to the Associated Press. Attorney General Eric Holder seems to think that even after the Supreme Court threw out part of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, the rest of it still remains in effect and the federal government has an interest in ensuring that blacks and poors can vote, so he will ram equality down North Carolina’s throat. Why is Holder so indifferent to the state legislature’s perfectly legitimate desire to engineer a voting advantage for the Republican party? Read more on Tyrannical Justice Department Will Sue To Force Its ‘Let Everybody Vote’ Agenda on North Carolina…
  Suuuuuper Niiiiiiice Time Man

Total Hippie Eric Holder Says Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Washington and Colorado

Well, this is just about the nicest nice time we have ever had: The United States government took an historic step back from its long-running drug war on Thursday, when Attorney General Eric Holder informed the governors of Washington and Colorado that the Department of Justice would allow the states to create a regime that would regulate and implement the ballot initiatives that legalized the use of marijuana for adults. Now, now, stoners and stonerettes, don’t get too crazy with the cool buds, because the DOJ issued a memo explaining that it will still TOTALLY bust Washingtonians and Coloradotonians for stuff like “the distribution of marijuana to minors” and “the diversion of marijuana from states where it is legal under state law in some form to other states.” Read more on Total Hippie Eric Holder Says Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Washington and Colorado…
  creeping sharia versus shrieking hysteria

Huge Breakthrough In Wingnut Physics: Pamela Geller Postulates Unified Field Theory Of Nonsense

High on our list of people we could do without is Pamela Geller, who unlike many popular figures on the extreme right really seems to believe her own hateful, attention-seeking nonsense. Like this marvel (do not click), in which she masterfully (that’s a synonym for awkwardly, right?) links Tom Perez, the Dread Hitler Obama’s nominee for Labor Secretary, to the DOJ “witch hunt” against George Zimmerman AND creeping Sharia AND the New Black Panthers! Obviously, he did Benghazi too. What is up, Miss Geller? Obama and his SS are on the war path. It. is. unbelievable. I am sure they are looking to enact legislation that mirrors the German Weapons Act (gun control, Third Reich) in concert with the lynching of George Zimmerman. Hahaha oh she’s serious. Frown, then. Also drink. Also German Weapons Act? Did that one today, also too. Read more on Huge Breakthrough In Wingnut Physics: Pamela Geller Postulates Unified Field Theory Of Nonsense…
  Money is overrated

Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds

What a tempting offer for our nation’s cadre of experienced lawyers: work for the Justice Department, reviewing applications for wiretaps in major federal criminal investigations. Probably this is pretty easy, given (as we’ve recently learned) that there is no reason NOT to ever wiretap! So if you want something a little more challenging, perhaps you can serve as a special attorney in the Office of Enforcement Operations. But wait! There’s more! Not only could you maybe work for the Justice Department for a year in either of these important positions, you can do it in exchange for absolutely no money! Yes! That’s right! You will get paid in Experience, which, like Exposure, is even better than money! Read more on Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds…
  leaks and the leaking leakers who leak them

Alberto Gonzales Offers Totally Hypothetical Example Of How To Investigate, Say, A Leaked CIA Agent’s Name

Well, this is … this is … we don’t even … FUCK! So, there is a bit of kerfuffle and a hullabaloo about the Department of Justice getting a very narrow slice of two months’ worth of phone records from AP while investigating a leak. For context, Fox News has asked for Alberto Gonzales’s thoughts on the matter, as he is something of an expert, having been promoted to Attorney General after he was White House Counsel when Karl Rove’s chief of staff, Scooter Libby, leaked the name of an undercover CIA agent to Robert Novak, god rest his soul in hell. Gonzales’s thoughts on this are … FUCK! Read more on Alberto Gonzales Offers Totally Hypothetical Example Of How To Investigate, Say, A Leaked CIA Agent’s Name…
  people behaving completely appropriately

Mean Lawyer Booed Paul Ryan, We All Weep For Paul Ryan

Today’s morning revelation comes to you from the rough-and-tumble conservative blogosphere, which is now so tough that it is calling out individual people who are mean to congressmen. The most recent offender is Dan Freeman, who claims to have started the round of booing that greeted Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Faded Dreamland) when he made an appearance at the inauguration Monday. Since he is not a Corporation, we are furious that he is allowed to have political speech! Read more on Mean Lawyer Booed Paul Ryan, We All Weep For Paul Ryan…
  what we have here is a failure to communicate

Suspended From School In Mississippi? That’s A Jailing

We at Wonkette have been pretty excited about Louisiana lately, what with revealing that they are one of the more awful states of the union in terms of infant mortality and life expectancy and whatnot, and also because they will teach about the Loch Ness monster in science class (so long as they don’t have to teach about it to MUSLIM children because that would just be going too far). Turns out we were so fascinated with Louisiana that we forgot about Mississippi, which is really doubling down on the fight against education these days, what with their “school-to-prison” pipeline that incarcerates students for minor infractions at school. You will be shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that African American students are over-represented in this disciplinary strategy. (The disciplinary strategy of sending children to jail when they get suspended from school!) Read more on Suspended From School In Mississippi? That’s A Jailing…
  Free Radicals

Barack Obama’s a New Black Panther

Mark your calendars! At this Friday’s hearing of the “Civil Rights Commission” or whatever, some lawyer from the Department of Justice will tell lies and cover up the truth about why Minister of Justice Eric Holder dropped federal voter intimidation charges against members of the New Black Panther Party last year. Holder let them off the hook for allegedly being mean to voters on Election Day 2008. As Real American news sources reported, the Panthers played with their gum and left cookie crumbs on the floor and OH YEAH, allegedly played with billy clubs while calling people not-nice names at a polling place in Philadelphia, which made the Liberty Bell crack. Read more on Barack Obama’s a New Black Panther…