Tag Archives: Department of Justice

  Maybe there IS somethin' to see here

Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up

She'd like a word with you, Baltimore
Our new (finally) Attorney General Loretta Lynch has been on the job for all of five seconds, but she’s already making it clear she will carry out Eric Holder’s secret plan to reverse-racism race war America. Lynch announced on Friday that the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division is opening an investigation into the Baltimore Police Department, because Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake asked her to (or maybe the secret race war thing): Read more on Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up…
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  Vendetta? What Vendetta?

Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!

He IS Justice!
Here’s one way to tell that maybe your contempt of court hearing isn’t going your way: When the judge in your case asks if you hired a private investigator to look into that judge’s wife, and you have to admit that, well, yes, but only because you’re a paranoid creep who always investigates his political enemies. It’s not like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was singling out U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow or anything. Read more on Of Course Joe Arpaio Sent A Private Dick After A Federal Judge’s Wife. He’s Sheriff Joe!…
  justice is bald

FBI So Sorry Its Agents Lied About That Gross Hair Evidence For All Those Years

gotcha
Were you a defendant in a criminal case between 1970-2000? (You probably were.) Was it a serious crime in which prosecutors tried to match your hair to one at a crime scene? And did they use an FBI forensics expert to testify as to said match? Because if so, according to FBI, there’s a chance that Lady Justice was letting the testifying agent put his stupid, doughy finger on the scales. Read more on FBI So Sorry Its Agents Lied About That Gross Hair Evidence For All Those Years…
  Assholes on Parade

People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!

Four Blackwater mercenaries were sentenced Monday for the 2007 massacre of 17 unarmed Iraqi civilians in Nisour Square, with three of the thugs getting 30-year sentences and their leader getting a full life in prison, which as of today makes them the only people to have gone to jail for the clusterfuck of horror that was the Iraq War. Small victory? It might have seemed like a slam dunk case for just about anyone who has ever even heard of the word “murder,” but would you like to learn all about how the Bush administration tried their absolute hardest to fuck it all up? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Are Finally Going To Jail For Iraq War Crimes. No, Really!…
  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  strange fruit

Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow

Huh, he looks all right to us
Yes, Ferguson cop Darren Wilson killed an unarmed black teenager, to death, but in addition to getting a “Nah, man, it’s cool, we get it” from the local grand jury, he likely won’t have charges filed against him by the Department of Justice, either. Ergo, as Fox News has been spewing at us since the non-charges news was first leaked, it is an obvious simple fact that the DOJ never had any legitimate reason to investigate the Ferguson Police Department or Darren Wilson in the first place. It was all a scheme, man, nefariously plotted by Attorney General Eric Holder and Co-Attorney General Al Sharpton and Thinks He’s So President Obama, to start some riots an do some reverse racism. Read more on Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow…
  Revised Revisionist History

Fox Knows Who Is To Blame For Ferguson Riots (It’s Still Eric Holder Obvs)

They just can't seem to quit him
Fox News wasted no time in repackaging the news that the Justice Department is not expected to file civil rights charges against Darren Wilson in the killing of Michael Brown, according to a report in the New York Times, into an astonishingly distorted pack of lies about Ferguson. Yes, we know you’re shocked. Read more on Fox Knows Who Is To Blame For Ferguson Riots (It’s Still Eric Holder Obvs)…
  Can’t we put this behind us already?

Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now

Nothing to see here, move along
Image via Wikimedia Commons. Here is everything you need to know about rape: it all comes down to a woman named “Jackie.” Jackie may or may not be lying about being gang-raped at a fraternity at the University of Virginia. But if she is — and plenty of journalists are determined to prove that’s the case — then there’s no reason for us to talk about rape, or the rape problem at UVA, which is under federal investigation, or the rape problem on college campuses, or the rape problem in America. Because if Jackie is lying, none of that matters. Read more on Jackie Is Lying, So We Can All Stop Talking About Rape Now…
  SCAIR tactics

Will D.O.J. Investigate Gun Range Lady Just For Refusing To Let Muslims Behead Us?

Yes, yes, you'd hit that. Sexist.
In a move that could only have been predicted by someone with detectable brainwave activity, a Muslim civli rights group has asked the Justice Department to investigate that nice lady who proudly announced that she was banning Muslims from her gun range. The Council on American-Islamic Relations sent a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder asking DOJ to investigate whether Jan Morgan, owner of the Gun Cave Indoor Firing Range in Hot Springs, Arkansas, has violated civil rights laws and the terms of her license to sell firearms. Read more on Will D.O.J. Investigate Gun Range Lady Just For Refusing To Let Muslims Behead Us?…
  the morning after

Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift

nice car
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Like the long days and warm weather, the Trial of the Century of the Summer had to come to an end. On Thursday, Bob and Maureen McDonnell were convicted of their many alleged crimes against Virginian Humanity (and acquitted of a couple counts of lying to a bank, whatevs). While we’re waiting for Lord and Lady Griftington to be sentenced in January, let’s see what Virginia has to say about the guilty guilty pretty much totally guilty verdicts of its former first couple! Read more on Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift…
  Anything To Distract From Benghazi

DOJ Will Probe Ferguson Police Department As Soon As Extra-Thick Rubber Gloves Arrive

Mailbox to testify in DOJ investigation
In news that proves once and for all that the Obama administration hates white people, the Department of Justice is launching a civil rights investigation of the Ferguson, Missouri, Police Department. This new investigation will go beyond the existing investigation into whether Officer Darren Wilson violated Michael Brown’s civil rights, what with all the killing of him to death. The DOJ’s civil rights division will look at the broader history of Ferguson’s Keystone Stormtroopers to determine whether there’s been a pattern of abuses, which of course there has been, but they’re going to do it all legal-like, instead of just reading the interwebs like a bunch of filthy bloggers. Wonder if they’ll find anything? We’re thinking that is just possible. For instance, there’s this, from the Washington Post: Read more on DOJ Will Probe Ferguson Police Department As Soon As Extra-Thick Rubber Gloves Arrive…
  Won't Someone Please Think of the Keychains?

U.S. Marshals Had Very Good Reasons To Buy $2 Million Worth Of Teddy Bears, Probably

Probably not licensed...yet
You know how Big Government is always wasting money on unnecessary crap like feeding children, keeping bridges from falling down, and inspecting meat? We know those things are wasteful, because Fox News tells us so. And now we learn that, before Tyrant Obama’s 2011 directive to cut down on funding for logo-embossed crap (which was loudly protested by the logo-embossed-crap industry), it turns out that the U.S. Marshals Service (USMS) managed to spend nearly $2 million on “promotional items” — really important things that advanced the mission of the USMS by making people aware of its existence, like poker chips, golf towels, pens, calendars and for all we know, logo-bedecked Personal Sanitary Supplies for the ladies and hula hoops for the kids. There was a bit of a News Flap last November when an initial report from the Justice Department’s Inspector General suggested that the USMS had blown over $800,000 on such useless promotional swag, but that report didn’t contain any details — so the nice folks at Muckrock did a Freedom of Information Act request for the invoices — and got 173 pages of documents detailing purchases of necessary promotional crap like stickers, lanyards, “challenge coins,” travel mugs, tee shirts, “Junior Deputy Badges,” mouse pads, and god knows what else. The total came to almost $2 million, including purchases for local and regional offices. Read more on U.S. Marshals Had Very Good Reasons To Buy $2 Million Worth Of Teddy Bears, Probably…
  won't someone think of the porn star moms?

Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break

If you are a DC politician, you are duty-bound to spend as much of the summer outside the city as possible. If you’re stuck in the swamp, you can at least take advantage of the hollowed-out Capitol and switch up your normal routine. Take a zealously investigated page from Republican Congressman Darrell Issa! In a change of pace after all that mikey-cutty stuff with Elijah Cummings (D-BADASS) during this spring’s comedic roast of Lois Lerner, Darrell is indulging in a little light summer outrage and sounding the alarm on the latest “unprecedented abuse of power”TM by the Obama-Industrial Complex. Darrell took a field trip to the Cato Institute for a show-and-tell about Operation Choke Point, a program at the Department of Justice that he says is limiting access to vital banking services, including funds transfer and credit card payment processing, for legal but “unpopular” businesses. Cato claims the DOJ is using Choke Point to harass gun dealers and porn stars, but we soon found out that none other than our most beloved American industrialists, the Koch brothers, could have their points choked at any moment. Read more on Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break…
  gone fishin'

Mean Judge Blocks Wingnut Search For All The Gays In Justice Department

Pour out a 40 for the latest rightwing witch hunt, which was burned at the stake by Federal Judge Ellen Segal Huvelle — she decided against a Judicial Watch lawsuit in a Freedom of Information Act case. All Judicial Watch wanted was information that could identify gays in the Department of Justice so it could prove that the DOJ was full of gays. Where did this out-of-control judge get the idea that federal employees get privacy? Read more on Mean Judge Blocks Wingnut Search For All The Gays In Justice Department…
  thug life

National Review Explains Why More Black Preschoolers Are Suspended: It’s Because They Are Criminals

You probably remember, somewhere under the absinthe haze you live in, that story from Friday about the racial disparity in school suspensions: starting in preschool, black children are far more likely to be suspended from school than white kids. Well, in a complete surprise to nobody, the National Review Online has proclaimed that it’s just common sense that black 4- and 5-year-olds are more unruly, because just look at the black crime rate: Black males between the ages of 14 and 17 commit homicide at ten times the rate of white and Hispanic males of the same age combined. Given such high crime rates, what do the civil-rights advocates and the Obama administration think is going on in the classroom — docile obedience and strict self-discipline? In fact, the same weak impulse control that leads to such high crime rates among young black males inevitably means more disruptive behavior in school. It just makes sense, says NRO’s Heather MacDonald, presumably because there’s just something about white and Hispanic preschoolers that makes them so much better at impulse control. Read more on National Review Explains Why More Black Preschoolers Are Suspended: It’s Because They Are Criminals…
  bitches set them up

Missoula, Montana, Prosecutors Have A Way Of Shutting Rape Victims Down

You know what it means when we break out the Emergency Kittens, folks. This time around, they are there to help you get through your rage while you read this Mother Jones story about the Department of Justice’s probe of the Missoula, Montana, County Attorney’s Office, which found that when prosecutors bothered to pursue sexual assault cases at all, they “often [treat] these victims with disrespect” and occasionally don’t even prosecute cases for which there are eyewitnesses or even confessions. The DOJ sent a letter to the prosecutor’s office Friday, informing them of the investigation. Jocelyn Samuels, the Acting Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division, released a statement Friday on the DOJ investigation: “We uncovered evidence of a disturbing pattern of deficiencies in the handling of these cases by the County Attorney’s Office, a pattern that not only denies victims meaningful access to justice, but places the safety of all women in Missoula at risk.” Missoula County Attorney Fred Van Valkenburg denied the accusations in an email to Mother Jones Saturday, claiming that “everything the DOJ is saying about our office is false” and that “these people” are pushing a “political agenda” in their investigation. Van Valkenberg also claimed that the DOJ had made “no effort whatsoever” to inform him that the report was about to be released. A DOJ spokeswoman told the magazine that the department had attempted “more than a half-dozen times over the past 21 months” to reach an “amicable resolution” with the Missoula County Attorney’s Office, but that’s different from telling Van Valkenburg that they were going to release a report about all that, now isn’t it? Read more on Missoula, Montana, Prosecutors Have A Way Of Shutting Rape Victims Down…
  morning in gaymerica

Anti-Gay Bigots Accuse Attorney General Eric Holder Of Federal Over-Reach-Around On Gay Rights

Don’t look now, but marriage as we know it is crumbling. Seriously, the allure of man-on-dog-on-oak-tree action is running rampant, and Uncle Sam is doing nothing but encouraging these unnatural homosexual unions, and treating gay people like people, which is UNACCEPTABLE. Attorney General Eric Holder is pushing this ‘all men created equal’ bullshit even further, per The Hill: Attorney Gen. Eric Holder revealed Saturday that the Justice Department would issue a policy memo this week granting gay couples the ability to file jointly for bankruptcy and guaranteeing that married same–sex partners would not be forced to testify against each other in trial. The book of Revelations clearly states that the Apocalypse will be preceded by civilly married gay couples going broke and filling out paperwork for joint bankruptcy JUST LIKE STRAIGHT COUPLES DO. Repent! Or INPEACH! Or something. Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Anti-Gay Bigots Accuse Attorney General Eric Holder Of Federal Over-Reach-Around On Gay Rights…
  self-inflicted derp

Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby

If you woke up this morning and thought that there was a foul odor wafting through the universe, your senses were not deceiving you. Cosmic skidmark Darrell Issa (R-CA) is back in the news. This time it’s about his lawsuit against Attorney General Eric Holder and the whole Fast & Furious thingy. Apparently, Issa is acutely perturbed that his TWO-YEAR OLD lawsuit is hitting some roadblocks, per Slate: DOJ [The Department of Justice] asked the court to delay court proceedings, explaining that its appropriations had lapsed on Sept. 30, and that “Absent an appropriation, Department of Justice attorneys and employees are prohibited from working, even on a voluntary basis, except in very limited circumstances, including ‘emergencies involving the safety of human life or the protection of property.’” Well, this did not sit well with Issa, who filed a motion with the Court to make the DOJ keep working on this particular project, because… well, because Issa apparently doesn’t understand that when he votes to shut down the government, it means ALL the government, not just the parts he doesn’t like. Let’s see what a federal judge has to say.  Read more on Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby…
  the voting whites act

Tyrannical Justice Department Will Sue To Force Its ‘Let Everybody Vote’ Agenda on North Carolina

The U.S. Department of Justice will sue to block North Carolina’s terrible new voter suppression laws, according to the Associated Press. Attorney General Eric Holder seems to think that even after the Supreme Court threw out part of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, the rest of it still remains in effect and the federal government has an interest in ensuring that blacks and poors can vote, so he will ram equality down North Carolina’s throat. Why is Holder so indifferent to the state legislature’s perfectly legitimate desire to engineer a voting advantage for the Republican party? Read more on Tyrannical Justice Department Will Sue To Force Its ‘Let Everybody Vote’ Agenda on North Carolina…
  Suuuuuper Niiiiiiice Time Man

Total Hippie Eric Holder Says Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Washington and Colorado

Well, this is just about the nicest nice time we have ever had: The United States government took an historic step back from its long-running drug war on Thursday, when Attorney General Eric Holder informed the governors of Washington and Colorado that the Department of Justice would allow the states to create a regime that would regulate and implement the ballot initiatives that legalized the use of marijuana for adults. Now, now, stoners and stonerettes, don’t get too crazy with the cool buds, because the DOJ issued a memo explaining that it will still TOTALLY bust Washingtonians and Coloradotonians for stuff like “the distribution of marijuana to minors” and “the diversion of marijuana from states where it is legal under state law in some form to other states.” Read more on Total Hippie Eric Holder Says Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em, Washington and Colorado…