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Tag: department of homeland security

Vermont Utility Wasn’t Hacked By Russia After All. Also, Stop Worrying About Endangered Feces.

Why is everyone so upset about the plight of Soviet jewelry?
Sheriffs don't have to know nothing 'bout birthing no babies

Team Of Evils: It’s Gonna Be A ‘Dead Baby In the Jail Cell’ Kind Of Day

Hey! We found a sheriff worse than Joe Arpaio!

Trump Transition Team Talking Muslim Registry, Probably Just Kidding Around

This will NEVER be the new normal.
Artistic rendering.

Los Angeles Police Chief To Trump: Nah Mang, We Ain’t Doing Your Dirty Work

LAPD Chief Charlie Beck says deportation is 'not our job; nor will I make it our job.' Applause!

James Comey Wouldn’t Want To Hurt Russia’s Feelings This Close To An Election! No, For Real

Looks like Comey only has 'standards' when it helps out Russia and Donald Trump.
Breaking political news to grandchildren is the pits

Badass Sen. Barbara Boxer Has Some Questions About Donald Trump’s Illegal Immigrant Models

Maybe the Department Of Homeland Security might be interested in looking into this!

Donald Trump Drops In For Louisiana Flood Photo Op After Governor Asks Him Not To, Because He Cares

Donald Trump went to Baton Rouge to look at the floodwaters, help unload a truck, and sign some baseball caps. Everything's better!

Comey Hearings Just A Bunch Of House Republicans Stepping On Own Dicks. Again.

What did we learn from the GOP's incessant badgering of James Comey? Lots! But not what the GOP wanted us to learn.
Come at me, Bro!

Harry Reid Is Your Legislative Badass Of 2015 And For All Time

If you are an old who remembers when, you might think Nevada Sen. Harry Reid is an odd choice for Wonkette's Legislative Badass of 2015. Reid became leader of the Senate Democrats at a strange time, for strange reasons. And by...
Teach us how to fight the gunmen, Elisabeth.

Fox News Teaches Kids How To Run Toward Gunfire, What Could Go Wrong?

Did we not just finish yelling at Elisabeth "Shouldn't You Be Leaving Now?" Hasselbeck for doing something stupid on the "Fox & Friends" television program? Yes, yes we did. But apparently she wasn't done, because during that same broadcast,...
Guess this makes them serious candidates.

Trump And Carson Beg Obama’s G-Men To Protect Them From Bad Guys

In normal presidential elections, it wouldn't be particularly noteworthy that the top candidates have requested Secret Service protection. But this is a campaign where the two top Republicans are Donald Trump and Ben Carson, neither of whom ever appears within...
Did anyone order a COMPANION?

Obvious Gay Hooker Service Raided For Being Obvious Gay Hooker Service

Being a gay hooker is illegal in U.S. America, except for in parts of Nevada or whatever. It's not the "gay" part that's illegal, otherwise we'd all be outlaws! We're not here to debate whether hooking should be legalized or...
Just looking out for us

TSA Thinks You Might Be A Terrorist If You Smell Bad

Everyone knows the Transportation Security Administration is our best defense against terrorists doing 9/11 to us again. Or at least protecting us from scantily clad teenage girls, kids in wheelchairs, moms armed with weaponized bottles of breast milk, and those...
Langley, are you SURE this guy had I.D.?

TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?

Today's big Air Travel Freakout is that the Transportation Security Agency apparently allowed someone very bad to board a commercial airliner last year, and they let the very bad person board without taking his very bad shoes off, even...
She tried to warn us

Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion

Have you been missing former Rep. Michele Bachmann since she retired to be president of the United States of Cheap Gas? Us too! And it seems she might be regretting her retirement, because hoo boy, those morons in the House...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Chooses To Be Gay

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Benjamin Netanyahu growls sofly and carries a big shtick, The Supreme Court dignifies the undignifiable, and Ben Carson is a doctor, really! Missed last week's report? No...