Tag Archives: department of homeland security

  God Bless The TSA

TSA Thinks You Might Be A Terrorist If You Smell Bad

Just looking out for us
Everyone knows the Transportation Security Administration is our best defense against terrorists doing 9/11 to us again. Or at least protecting us from scantily clad teenage girls, kids in wheelchairs, moms armed with weaponized bottles of breast milk, and those sneaky devils with their fake non-American photo IDs from some unknown “District of Columbia.” So it’s good to know that the TSA has a carefully designed and effective system for spotting the most likely potential terrorists among us: Read more on TSA Thinks You Might Be A Terrorist If You Smell Bad…
  Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Day To Stop Sniffing Glue

TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?

Langley, are you SURE this guy had I.D.?
Today’s big Air Travel Freakout is that the Transportation Security Agency apparently allowed someone very bad to board a commercial airliner last year, and they let the very bad person board without taking his very bad shoes off, even though he (or she! feminism!) was recognized by a TSA officer, triple exclamation points!!! Read more on TSA Let A Known Terrorist Fly. Who Was It, Besides Obama?…
  she's still got it

Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion

She tried to warn us
Have you been missing former Rep. Michele Bachmann since she retired to be president of the United States of Cheap Gas? Us too! And it seems she might be regretting her retirement, because hoo boy, those morons in the House are absolutely lost without her. In an EXCLUSIVE! interview with WND, Bachmann predicted that the 2016 presidential election has already been lost, thanks to those know-nothing turncoat Republicans who sold out their party and America. No, no, she’s not talking about the traitorous love letter to Iran. Don’t be silly! Read more on Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion…
  Republicans in disarray and you won't believe what happens next!

John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun

Guess who's helping our enemies now?
The civil war in the Republican Party is getting a lot uglier, which is excellent news if you enjoy watching Republicans try to eat each other’s intestines with their bare hands, no utensils or a bib even. And yup, we sure do enjoy the hell out of that. Because Speaker John Boehner is terrible at his job, he only managed to get funding for the Department of Homeland Security extended for one whole whoppin’ week, setting himself up for another week of the extremists in his caucus batting him around like a cat with a half-dead rodent. Read more on John Boehner’s Running Attack Ads Against His Own Party Now, That’s Fun…
  Deja vu all over again

GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!

He's in charge here
If you loved last week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security, like a bunch of elected legislators whose job is to keep government agencies running, you will love this week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about the exact same thing all over again! Read more on GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!…
  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
Illinois Senator Mark Kirk has a wee bit of advice to his party, especially those fellows over in the House. After the Senate passed a clean bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Read more on Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t…
  Kiss Kiss Boehng Boehng

John Boehner: Kiss Your Homeland Security Goodbye, America

He really loves us
It’s Friday, and you know what that means: knocking off early, going to happy hour, and the federal government partially shutting down a major cabinet department because Republicans are mad at Obama and really want to teach him a lesson by shooting themselves in the foot. If Congress doesn’t pass some kind of funding bill by midnight, the Department of Homeland Security goes into shutdown mode, meaning that nonessential workers in any number of agencies are furloughed, except that DHS has so many essential agencies that a lot of people in the TSA, Border Patrol, and even the Coast Guard will still be working, just without pay. So at least the TSA people at the airport will have a reason to be extra surly, whee. Read more on John Boehner: Kiss Your Homeland Security Goodbye, America…
  Isolated Insolents

Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help

All terrorists are leftwing. That's just a given!
Fox News’s The Five had a little memory problem Monday, accusing the Department of Homeland Security of completely imagining that rightwing extremists pose any threat to U.S. Americans, because as we all know, the only real terrorists are the Islamic ones. Most of the panel dismissed the DHS’s recent report on the threat from “Sovereign Citizens” and other far-right groups as a pathetic attempt to avoid offending Muslims by pretending that anyone else does terrorism in U.S. America. Read more on Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help…
  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

Being a grown up is hard
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Good job, asshole
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  "intelligence" not the operative word here

Wingnuts So Mad About Report On Right-Wing Terrorism, They Just Might Shoot Something

The threat is real.
Cue yet another wingnut shitfit. CNN reports that the Department of Homeland Security has recently circulated a new “intelligence assessment” examining the danger of domestic terrorism from the right-wing “sovereign citizen” movement. This of course means that the President Oblackblack stooges who run DHS think that all right-wingers are fanatic terrorists worse than Islamists, QED. Read more on Wingnuts So Mad About Report On Right-Wing Terrorism, They Just Might Shoot Something…
  Who could have seen this coming?

Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL

Who could have seen this coming?
Republicans have a terrific plan to humiliate President Obama by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security unless he promises to stop hearting those damned Messicans. This is flawless plan, obviously, and proves how, with the Very Grown Up Republicans finally in charge of the entire legislative branch, things really are going great, just like they’d promised back in November. Sure, shutting down DHS might hurt a little — you know, because national security and all — but that’s a small price to pay in order to teach the president a lesson. Read more on Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…
  dear john

Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding

Remember when the Secret Service couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and then some poor kid from the White House advance team couldn’t stop visiting prostitutes, and it was obviously Obama’s fault coverupbenghaziworsethanwatergate? Of course you do, that is all you read about on yr Wonkette. Well, the Department of Homeland Security investigated all those happy endings, and you will never guess what happened to the dude who was doing the investigation, just kidding, of course you will: Read more on Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding…
  Another Hotbed Of Extremism (We Mean Breitbart)

Dead Breitbart Outraged Muslims Helped Rebuild Oklahoma After Tornado

Muslim sharks will behead you!
Hey, just how paranoid and crazy is Dead Breitbart today? Well, howzabout this here headline? WHITE HOUSE SENDS ‘THANK YOU’ TO BEHEADER’S OKLAHOMA MOSQUE CONGREGATION Good gracious gravy, why is the White House praising the nest of vipers that spawned Oklahoma beheader man Alton Nolen? After all, as all right-wingers know, Nolen singlehandedly brought Jihad to America a couple weeks back when he cut off a woman’s head in a horrible murder, even though the local DA continues to think, wrongly of course, that Nolen was more motivated by being fired for being a racist than by his religion — probably because, as everyone knows, Oklahoma prosecutors are so notoriously PC. Read more on Dead Breitbart Outraged Muslims Helped Rebuild Oklahoma After Tornado…
  omar comin'

White House Fence Jumper Had 800 Rounds Of Ammo, Smells Like Benghazi

You libtards wanted to arrest this guy too, but then he won the Vietnam War ten years after it ended.
Omar Gonzalez, the Iraq War veteran who was arrested Friday night when he climbed over the White House fence and managed to run across the lawn and into the building before the Secret Service nabbed him, was in court on Monday to face charges of entering a restricted federal building while armed. (Gonzalez was carrying a serrated pocket knife when he was arrested.) Which was all scary enough to begin with. Then federal prosecutors revealed even more details. Read more on White House Fence Jumper Had 800 Rounds Of Ammo, Smells Like Benghazi…
  Burning Desire

What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?

A portly neckbearded gentleman with a pink shirt and a blowtorch sets fire to a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to show General Mills that he does not care for its gay-friendly policies. It does not go quite as brilliantly as he planned, thanks to wind and highly flammable sugar. But what else has been set on fire lately? Well, what hasn’t? Read more on What Are Humble Followers Of Jesus Burning To The Ground Today?…