Put That Thing Away, John McCain
Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
In a Denver candy shop yesterday, John McCain asked a voter, “How about some old-fashioned fudge?” and the voter fell on the floor laughing about what a pervy old gaywad he was, the end. [Top of the Ticket]
In a Denver candy shop yesterday, John McCain asked a voter, “How about some old-fashioned fudge?” and the voter fell on the floor laughing about what a pervy old gaywad he was, the end. [Top of the Ticket]
The Obama campaign has sent its latest self-important “Big Announcement” email, and it’s funny! He will not be giving his empty-rhetoric convention speech in some smoky back room with George Soros and Scrooge McDuck as his only audience, which is customary. He will hold it outdoors, for everyone to attend, but only if they turn off their Xboxes first: “Barack will leave the convention hall and join more than 75,000 people for a huge, free, open-air event where he will deliver his acceptance speech to the American people.” But what if it rained on his parade, as they say? Or what if no one showed up, since the speech will be on the teevee and no one gives a shit anyway? Answer: 
EPIC FAILZ: Some DNC factotum just sent Wonkette a link to “Howard Dean’s refutation of the NYT assertions about the 
It appears the Democrats have come up with an absurdly constipated boondoggle of a convention that will show Americans, once again, exactly why they don’t like electing Democrats. From the massive expense to the terrible lack of planning to the weird diktat about frigging food colors, this whole thing confirms everyone’s worst suspicions about Democrats being spendthrift hippies with the souls of incompetent Soviet bureaucrats. The reporting on this clusterfuck reads like the paranoid scribblings of Rush Limbaugh on a three-day Oxycontin bender. Let’s review the ridiculousness together. 
Here is a fun domestic terror tactic to use against people protesting a political convention: Fire a ray gun at a crowd of these ingrates and then laugh as they all convulse and then shit themselves and then disperse, to die, because their bowels have just been microwaved. Fox News says such weaponry will be deployed at this summer’s Democratic Convention in Denver. 
Hey now, what ever happened to Clinton’s former chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn, the most stereotypically evil man in the world? When he was demoted from his top position, no one expected him to have any less sway, yet he’s remained shielded from the public eye. Now, however, some new information has come to light about Penn’s role in these last days: rumors indicate that Penn, more than anyone else in the campaign, 
America’s most believed ex-presidential candidate, Mittens “Mitt” Romney, is joining Maverick candidate John McCain on a fundraising tour through the “mountain west,” starting today. They hate each after a brutal campaign where each lied and smeared the other to no end, although John McCain is, again, a Maverick, and Mittens wants to be his vice president. 
Maybe it’s just uncontrollable anger, but the sharper, aggressive tone he presented in his South Carolina victory speech seems like, HELLO, THE RIGHT PLAN ALREADY. Before 18,000 hopeful supporters in Denver today, Barack delivered a Hope Attack at The Clintons with ghost language like, “I will end the mentality that says the only way for Democrats to look tough on national security is by talking, acting and voting like George Bush Republicans.” The Clinton campaign did respond, AND IT WAS KIND OF LIKE THIS WITH THE BIG LETTERS AND THE BOLD.