Wonkette

Just about the time that former Speaker Denny Hastert was promising not to run for reelection, recently revealed documents show he was also settling a case with the FEC. See, he sorta kinda maybe spent $150K of his reelection campaign money on legal bills in the whole didn’t-prevent-Foley-from-molesting-boys thingie — which is itself perfectly legal, go campaign finance “reform”! — but he forgot to tell anyone in his FEC filings because he probably didn’t want all his donors to know that he was spending the money defending his incompetence instead of getting reelected. Total cost to Hastert for disobeying the disclosure law: $1,000. He didn’t face anything harsher than an Ethics Committee rebuke for not stopping Foley, though. Justice is so sweet, isn’t it? [Washington Post]

So, yesterday, Denny official declared himself “over” this whole Congress thing and turned in his resignation letter to Illinois Governor Rod Blafunnyname. Rod now has to call a special election, maybe on the same day at the Illinois primaries, to fill Denny’s now-former seat until the real election. Why yesterday? Who knows, but we can speculate.

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Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert will announce his plans to resign this year in an address on the House floor at 2:30. Motherfucker’s just bored. [CNN]

* Hey guess what all these nutcases think? If you guessed, “the same thing,” you’d be correct. [Right Wing News]
* It’s not easy to defend Christmas against Jews and Mexicans, but every year a group of heroes steps forward to do just that.[WorldNet Daily]
* Now that you can’t use the word “rape” in a Nebraska court, and that in Nebraska, a prostitute can’t be raped since what they’re selling is sex, well, let’s just say Nebraska is safe for the GOP this year. [MoJo]
* Blackwater gets the sack, because apparently “freedom” means there’s no room for indiscriminate killing of unarmed women and babies and whatever. [Capitol Hill Blue]
* Colbert may be breaking federal election law, but we’re not going to act like we care. [Fresh Intelligence]
* Dennis Hastert may be a fat, washed-up old pawn of the power elite who has announced retirement plans, but he’s not going to let that force him into retirement. [Political Wire]
* If Arlen Specter has his sites set on a Wonkette internship, he better throw some fucking cuss words into the mix. [Swamp]

Dennis “the Hutt” Hastert is giving up and quitting, finally, after somehow keeping his congressional seat (if not the House majority) despite personally providing Mark Foley with fresh naked boys each morning. But as each sore loser Republican announces their ignoble retreat from politics in this grim summer, they are required to give interviews consisting of bitter attacks on American citizens for voting them out of power. MORE »

Dennis “the Hutt” Hastert, the longest-serving Republican speaker in House history until he was forced to resign in the wake of Pagefuckergate, will retire at the end of this term, according to CQ, surprising pretty much no one. He was corrupt and kinda dumb, but most importantly, he was fat. And that was funny. The photo above, to our mind, belongs to that esteemed class of hilarious political pictures that includes Cheney in bushes, Rick Santorum’s crying child, and Steny Hoyer with with his duck furry friend. After the jump, travel back in time with us to other wonderful Denny Hastert moments.

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* Dick Cheney’s going warring in Iran whether Bush wants to or not. [HuffPo]
* Ron Paul thinks Rudy Giuliani doesn’t know shit about 9/11. [Hit & Run]
* It’s time for Bill Frist to perform open heart surgery on another sick gorilla. [Passport]
* Dennis Hastert is two years late on everything. [Political Insider]
* LeBron James won’t dunk on Darfur. [Think Progress]

* Funniest man in Washington steals jokes from least funny man in Washington. [Portfolio]
* What the fuck is Carville doing on the “power couples” list again? He doesn’t have a real job. [Washington Monthly (PDF)]
* Dennis Hastert dropped seventy grand on lawyers to keep him out of the Foleygate hot seat. [Political Insider]
* Replacement players now guarding nation’s nukes. [Passport]
* Least likely to vote hate Hillary the most. [Gallup]
* Straight Talk Express gets bent. [Think Progress]
* Abortion ban decision actually good news for those looking to kill something inside them. [The Coffeehouse]

* Heard on the Hill: Tom Coburn likes to brag about how many babies he’s delivered, but his communications director helped deliver one last Monday, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Tom… Dennis Hastert campaign disclosures disclose a hearty love of food. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: The Ambassador from Hungary got a phone call from space! [WP]
* Under the Dome: Hugh Hefner donated $2,300 to Hillary… Rep. Mark Souder had jury duty… Ted Stevens is the longest-serving Republican senator. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Ted also got a cake! … Norah O’Donnell is pregnant, had a fancy party at the Kuwaiti embassy… Dick Cheney is not talking to Scooter Libby, is going to smash Bob Sheiffer’s puny head with his bare hands. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Dennis Kucinich is going to personally impeach Dick Cheney. [WP]

* Senate sounds “the bugle of retreat” by setting “the date certain for surrender” and “mandating failure.” [WP, NYT, LAT]
* Tony Snow isn’t as much of a man as Elizabeth Edwards. [WP, WP, NYT, LAT]
* More like Federal Bureau of Incompetence. [WP, NYT]
* Driven mad with power, Barbara Boxer tries to revive a 1923 equal rights amendment. [WP]
* It sucks to be Dennis Hastert right now. [NYT]
* Military not a fan of the internet, wants l33t hax0rs to shut down terrorist sites. [USAT]
* It’s not just the American people, even other tyrannical world leaders are sick of President Bush. [WP]

* Al Gore is planning a global warming concert/rally that will “dwarf Live Aid.” Hopefully, it won’t feature that dwarf from live aid, Bono. [FT]
* Next time Barry Hussein is dropping a deuce and thinking, “Gee, I wonder how I should run my Presidential campaign,” GQ will have him covered. [GQ]
* Donatella Versace thinks Hillary Clinton should wear more skirts and dresses. Donatella Versace also thinks a half ounce of yay is breakfast. [Suitably Flip]
* Wyoming plays the “I know you are, but what am I?” game with New Hampshire. [Election Central]
* John Edwards’ campaign bloggers were a hard target, new softer enemies include “subversive knitters.” [Michelle Malkin]
* Dennis Hastert ruined the free Air Force plane use for everybody. [Think Progress]
* Tonight’s book party for Terry McAuliffe is totally crashworthy, for the guest list and for the two-grand bottles of cognac. [Washington Whispers]

There is no coat in the land to protect you from the douche chills that will travel down your spine upon reading Anthony Weiner waxing eloquent about himself to his famous-for-DC-fucking dinner companion. Wary of being caught in a similar scene, Harold Ford Jr. takes his game to the more fertile dating fields of California. Others living up to their reputations this week: Dennis Hastert bangs down some bangers and mash, Joe Lieberman man-dates through Georgetown, and Barack Obama’s teeth throw off the white balance on cameras all over town. All these plus the last two people you’d ever want to see in an emergency, after you cross the police line.

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Wonk’d is in a festive mood and the famous-for-DC kids in this week’s installment have been spotted doing the exact same thing you’ve been doing these past few weeks: stuffing food in their faces at a hectic pace. Harold Ford likes upscale chain eateries, Tom Delay indulges his delusions of grandeur by lunching on the Senate side, and actual celebrity Matt Damon drops a few hundred bucks on a dinner he could’ve gotten for $4.99 from a local burrito joint. Lots more, including Dennis Hastert ordering the red and green curry, after you rip open the presents.

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Boehner and Blunt — leaders of the House Republicans! With that “new Congress smell” still fresh, the GOP has decided to reward the team that lost them the midterm elections with reelections to their leadership posts. MORE »