Tag Archives: Democrats

  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
We’ve got mail! Or at least we’ve got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don’t especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they’ve tracked in on their boots. Today, our sluicing out of the ol’ comments queue starts off with a couple of submissions from people who sorta kinda agree with something Yr Wonkette has published, but there’s just something about the comments that suggests we may not really want to invite these folks in, probably. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please…
  Just A Distraction From ISIS

Get Ready For Your Big Benghazi HearingPalooza

It's baaaaack
Just in time for election season, the Great Big Benghazi Hearings and Airing of Grievances are starting Wednesday, so get ready for yet another round of Fox stories about “stand down” orders, Barack Obama sleeping on the job, and of course Susan Rice covering up the attack by saying that it started as a demonstration against an anti-Muslim video (which it did). Read more on Get Ready For Your Big Benghazi HearingPalooza…
  From the Producers of Naked and Afraid

Senators Survive Stupid Reality TV Show, Don’t Even Kill Each Other

Photo Courtesy of Discovery Channel Most members of Congress use their long August recess to get back home and load up on their favorite regional food that no one can make the right way in DC, while being photographed appearing to reconnect with voters. Added bonus: They get to escape the swamptacular weather in America’s damp, sweaty seat of power. For two members of the Senate, this summer’s five-week paid vacation “district work period” was a chance to sneak away on a top-secret, death-defying adventure in the Marshall Islands for a new reality show. It’s C-SPAN 2 meets Naked and Afraid, and it’s coming to your favorite ostensibly educational cable network this fall! Read more on Senators Survive Stupid Reality TV Show, Don’t Even Kill Each Other…
  We Salute You

Thousands Of Virginians Newly Insured. Great. Thanks Obama.

Poor Republicans
Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe is dragging his once-noble Commonwealth down the perilous path to socialism, using an executive action that provides health coverage to “20,000 people with severe mental illnesses and 5,000 children of low-income state workers.” This unconscionable abuse of power will force a staggering six percent of the state’s uninsured into a flaming hellscape of accessible medical care. Read more on Thousands Of Virginians Newly Insured. Great. Thanks Obama….
  It's Definitely Not About Race

Georgia Republican Will Save Democracy From Black People

Frank Millar's nightmare
Republican Georgia state Sen. Fran Millar knows what elections are about. Elections are about winning. They are NOT, however, about letting just anybody vote, especially if they comprise the majority in a particular part of Atlanta, if you get his drift. Actually you don’t need to get his drift, because he just says it openly: Millar has vowed to end early voting at a DeKalb County polling place that simply has too many blacks in the neighborhood. Read more on Georgia Republican Will Save Democracy From Black People…
  dropouts

Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting

pat says please stay chad
Image via video from roberts.senate.gov Kansas Democrats are calculating, power-hungry animals who will stop at nothing in their quest to deny a fourth term in the Senate to kindly old vagabond Pat Roberts. They’ll make deals with anyone as long as it ends in Pat’s defeat, and they would think nothing of engaging in such reprehensible tactics as sending a letter, notarized, to the Kansas Secretary of State, unilaterally withdrawing from the race. Read more on Kansas Dems Make Dirty Deal to Defeat Pat Roberts By Quitting…
  Stop making us talk about it some more

Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself

RINO
We have some BREAKING NEWS to report on the developing story of the vast left-wing conspiracy “scam” to force Republicans to talk about impeaching President Obama even though they do NOT want to talk about that at all, no sir. Seriously, they don’t want to talk about it. They really don’t want to talk about it. Truly, you cannot find a single Republican who wants to talk about impeaching the president. And yet, when asked on Monday whether Mike Huckabee, who supposedly is a Republican, believes the president is “worthy of impeachment,” the Huck did not say, “Don’t be ridiculous, that’s absurd, come ON, man.” Which is what you’d think a so-called Republican would say when asked about impeaching the president, since NO Republicans actually want to impeach the president, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. But, strangely, the Huck did not say that. Instead: Read more on Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself…
  I know you are but what am I?

Why Is Obama Race-Warring These White People By Making Them Scream At The Border Children?

Sarah IS the Murrieta Protester
You know how the Republican Party holds a weekly lottery, and the lucky winner gets to be the spokesderp who explains why Democrats are the REAL something-or-others? The real racists, the real sexists, the real bigots, the real warring on Freedom & Liberty-ists — whatever kind of hate the GOP is vomiting all over America, there’s always some Republican out there saying “nuh uh, YOU ARE” or, as those of us who passed Psych 101 in college remember, “projecting.” Read more on Why Is Obama Race-Warring These White People By Making Them Scream At The Border Children?…
  pay to play

Why Not Let These Obama Campaign Guys Charge You Money To Let You Do Their Job?

Are you an Ambitious Young Person With Big Political Dreams? Probably not, because you are reading this blog, which most likely means that you are a disgruntled middle age-ish sort of person, because we mock the fuck out of millennials; also too we are not really all that sunshine and unicorns about politics, now are we? But let’s say you are that ambitious young person and you want to work on a campaign for the next Obama, or at least the next Omaha mayoral race. You’ve already likely prepared yourself for having to do the dirty work for free, but if you’re really committed, you should be preparing to throw down a cool $5K for the privilege of working on a campaign gratis, because that’s how you get ahead in life or something. Read more on Why Not Let These Obama Campaign Guys Charge You Money To Let You Do Their Job?…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is not a smart man. Oh, I know, I know. There’s a conservative fairy tale that Cruz is REALLY smart (Democrats, beware!) because he went to Princeton and Harvard Law School and was super good at debating, and Harvard Professor Alan Dershowitz called him “off-the-charts brilliant.” But given his complete misunderstanding of the First Amendment — no, it does not protect your constitutional right to be on the tee vee — and his total miscomprehension of Green Eggs and Ham — no, the moral of the story is NOT that you should never try something new that scares you, like say Obamacare, because you probably won’t like it so don’t even bother — it’s hard to detect the off-the-charts brilliance of Ted Cruz lurking under all that mind-numbing idiocy. Cruz served up some of his signature stupid on the Senate floor Wednesday to protest the Democrats’ bill to fix Hobby Lobby. Republicans killed the bill, as we all knew they would, but at least Democrats can tell voters they tried to do something good, so now everyone who is running for election this fall wins. Hooray, I guess. One of Cruz’s favorite pastimes, when he’s not demanding investigations into black voters voting like some kind of voters who are allowed to vote or watching goat porn (hey, it seems like something he would do, doesn’t it?), is whining SO hard about “religious freedom,” by which he means the freedom of Catholics and evangelicals to dictate policy to America, because, like his daddy says, “America is a Christian nation.” On the Senate floor, Cruz accused Democrats of waging a war against the Catholic Church because of their failed attempt to un-exempt employers who SINCERELY believe stuff from having to comply with federal law if they SINCERELY believe they do not like that law. Prior to the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby ruling (yup, still mad about that), such employers would have faced a fine if they refused to comply with the law, because here in America, if you break the law, theoretically, you will face penalties for breaking the law. (Obviously, this does not apply to the rich and powerful because that would be RIDICULOUS.) Read more on Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him…
  u mad?

I Am Mad About A Thing: Go Big For The Ladies, Democrats, Or GTFO

I’m probably not supposed to say this. I should be a Good Democrat and a Good Feminist and take the latest symbolic crumbs Senate Democrats are offering and say, “Thank you, sir.” (They are mostly sir, of course, which is part of ALL the problems, but let’s not even get into that right now.) Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: Go Big For The Ladies, Democrats, Or GTFO…
  loyalty oaf

Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All

American torture hero and semiemployed former congressjerk Allen West is very, very concerned about this “Tammy Duckworth” person having agreed to be on the Big BenghaziPalooza Special Committee, because how can Americans be sure she actually loves America, and is not some kind of legless traitor like Max Cleland? Read more on Torture Hero Allen West Just Asking If Legless Vet Congresswoman Tammy Duckworth Is ‘Loyal’ Is All…
  a plague o' the moon in both thy seventh houses

Science Expert Steve Stockman Laughs At Democrats’ Junk Science And Lightbulb Tyranny

Well here is a fine how do you do: Rep. Steve Stockman, fresh off losing his big Senate primary to John Cornyn, became a Hero of Science Monday by pointing out that both astrology and climate change are nonsense. In advance of the Democrats’ all-night climate change slumber party, Stockman bravely tweeted: The party that is most likely to believe astrology is real will hold an all-night event claiming your light bulbs are heating up the planet. Oh, wow, liberals, YA BURNT! As the nine fulltime staffers of Twitchy explain, the tweet refers to a survey that found that a larger percentage of Democrats than Republicans think astrology is scientifically valid. Haha, good one — guess that means we can pretty much close the book on this “climate change” junk science! Read more on Science Expert Steve Stockman Laughs At Democrats’ Junk Science And Lightbulb Tyranny…
  Legislative Nice Time

John Boehner To Test Unconventional Debt Limit Strategy Of Not Being A Dick

Bad news for anyone who was looking forward to another stupid debt ceiling standoff: popular television personality and Speaker of the Whole House John Boehner says he will hold a House vote tomorrow to raise the borrowing limit of the United States, which he expects will pass only with a big assist from Democrats: House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made clear the GOP would provide the requisite number of Republican votes for the “clean” measure but that Democrats will be expected to carry the vote. Credit where credit’s due: Boehner is not a dumb politician. He realized long ago that the extreme right, Tea Party wing of the GOP was not, shall we say, strategically minded. He also knew that he personally lacked the ability to yoke their weird gyrating rage to anything legislatively productive. So he basically sat back and said “Whatever, go ahead, see what happens.” And “what happens” is Obama gets re-elected, the GOP’s popularity hits historic lows, and must-pass legislation only moves with Democratic support, which is just embarrassing. This series of obvious failures so diminished the potency of the scorched earth crowd that Boehner felt comfortable saying they’d “lost all credibility,” which was delicious and true. Read more on John Boehner To Test Unconventional Debt Limit Strategy Of Not Being A Dick…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  Generic Democrat is a True Patriot

How Will Republicans Bungle Away Their New 49-47 Generic Ballot Polling Advantage?

Don’t worry about this recent poll that shows Generic Republican leading Generic Democrat in Generic Congressional race 49% to 47%. Never mind that Democrats were 8 points clear in this poll just last month, probably due to the time Obama personally barricaded all the national parks with heaps of dead veterans and bald eagles. Americans have a lot going on! They sometimes forget that they support social insurance, abortion rights, gay marriage, immigration reform, gun control, alternative energy, cute puppies, and higher taxes on the wealthy. It’s all a bit depressing, but don’t swallow that fistful of Seconal just yet, because here are five ways Republicans could blow it all. Place your bets! Read more on How Will Republicans Bungle Away Their New 49-47 Generic Ballot Polling Advantage?…
  meet the new boss

Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess

Harry Reid is not perfect, as he’ll be the first to tell you. Second to tell you will be your Wonket, your Wonkette, and all of les enfants terrible who would leave comments here, if we allowed those. It’s a three-way tie of telling you second. That said, we can’t think of anyone who’s more responsible for last night’s favorable resolution to the government shutdown/debt limit fiasco than Harry Reid. The Senate’s bill, passed last night by the House and signed by our benevolent dictator B. Barry Bamz, reflected Democratic preferences on the timing of the next debt limit and continuing resolution fights. Republicans also agreed to return to regular budget order, so the next time Congress guts social insurance it will be regular and orderly, thank goodness. Let’s explore how Harry Reid got us here, and why he is your latest nominee for Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Badass of the Year award, which will likely never be awarded, because we forgot. Read more on Harry Reid Is Your New Grandmaster Of Senate Chess…
  fingerpointing also too

The Super Awesome Government Shutdown Blame Game Has Begun

Well all right then. The government shutdown happened. While some Republicans were calling this “dance” something to “compromise” and “negotiate” into giving them exactly everything they ever wanted ever, and Democrats were “refusing to be extorted,” the clock instead struck midnight and everyone just went home, probably because they had finally run through all the liquor. So now certain “nonessential” departments and federal employees have been told today that their services will not be required for a while, even though these employees probably think that still getting paid somehow is. But this is when the “fun” starts, people, because nothing is more important when governmental departments are shut down and people are not getting paid than to fight about whose fault it is. And oh yeah, we are gonna fight about it. The time has come to rage. Read more on The Super Awesome Government Shutdown Blame Game Has Begun…
  these pink shoes are made for governin

Wendy Davis Decides She Will Be Next Texas Governor, If That’s All Right With You All

Well, kids, it looks like you have been praying to the right librul gods and goddesses after all, because we have ourselves a Festivus miracle right here in September, per Politico: Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis and her advisers have begun informing influential Democrats that she intends to run for governor in 2014, according to multiple sources familiar with Davis’s conversations. Tie those laces on your pink running shoes, it looks like Abortion Barbie is gonna make some history in Texas, y’all!  Read more on Wendy Davis Decides She Will Be Next Texas Governor, If That’s All Right With You All…
  Pull up your big-boy diapers

David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers

Oh, Sen. David Vitter (R-Whore House), we heart you soooooo much. No, really, we do. You are, in fact, our very favorite diapers-wearing john in the whole Senate. While some politicians might slink away from the public eye in disgrace after getting busted for patronizing professional women of the night (you know, paying hookers for sex), those politicians tend to be weenie Democrats. Not you, sir. You are a brave soul who will force your wife to stand beside you as you say you are “very, very sorry” for all those times you paid women to dress you up in diapers and do we-don’t-even-want-to-know-what to you and then insist we forget all about that stuff so you can go back to lecturing us about family values and how the gays are destroying America with their gay and also just generally being a dick. We applaud you, sir, and now we would like to thank you for this latest demonstration of courage under derp: Read more on David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers…
  stormin mormon

Harry Reid Finally Sounds Ready to Bust The Filthy Filibuster, So He Will Definitely Chicken Out Again

Harry Reid, if you end the filibuster — or even limit its use such that executive appointments can be a thing again — you will henceforth be known as The Stormin’ Mormon, by us and whoever wants to join us, unless or until we think of something better. So do it! Don’t just talk about it, do the motherfucker! And don’t back down if Senate Republicans say “OK fine you can have a National Labor Relations Board, jeez.” DO IT! Reid has let us down before, but to his credit he really sounds ready to take the plunge this time: “Senator McConnell broke his word,” Reid said. “The Republican leader has failed to live up to his commitments. He’s failed to do what he said he would do — move nominations by regular order except in extraordinary circumstances. I refuse to unilaterally surrender my right to respond to this breach of faith.” … “Is there anybody out there in America that thinks this body is functioning well?” Misanthropists, maybe? Sadists? Koch Brothers? Who else? Read more on Harry Reid Finally Sounds Ready to Bust The Filthy Filibuster, So He Will Definitely Chicken Out Again…