Bill Clinton e-mailed us today and guess what he wants, that’s right, more money. He writes that you can purchase a DVD of Hillary & Bill’s convention speeches for $50 dollars, today! And if you pay $250, you get the same thing but SIGNED BY HILLARY. It is called the “Signature” Edition! Oh man, these people miss that $11 million of their $109 million fortune so much. But aren’t candidates who’ve suspended their campaigns only allowed to raise money through the convention, and then it comes out of their pocketbooks? Maybe there’s an article somewhere about this, but fuck reading. Anyway, Bill Clinton wants you to buy porn, was the point. [Hillary Clinton]

Here are a couple of charming street urchins talking to Video Liz Glover during New York Fashion Week. They keep saying “The Democratic Party Convention,” referring to the event in Denver, rather than “The Democratic NATIONAL Convention,” which means that either they are morans or they are people with a very healthy lack of interest in politics. Also Liz needs some cough drops. [YouTube]

Hello, friends! We have completed our four-mile 2008 iteration of “Sherman’s March To The Sea” and, appropriately, burned down all of once-happy Denver in the process. Again, we have walked back from Invesco Field and destroyed Denver; it’s probably on Drudge or Yahoo News or something. As we were going to Hope Field at -20,000 o’clock this afternoon, who did we find on our Shuttle but lovable Connecticut failure Ned Lamont, the 2006 Democratic candidate for Senate who lost to Joe Lieberman, an independent shit-rat. What a guy that Lamont is! He was entering the stadium just like everyone else: in agony. MORE »

As you listen to this HORRIFYING thriller soundtrack playing in Invesco Field while Obama walks off, here’s something cool that happened before the Secret Service apprehended us: a proposal, immediately in front. As soon as the would-be groom got on his knee, Al Gore walked on stage, and it almost seemed like the crowd’s eruption was responding to this Hope Couple. Maybe it was. She said yes, and we obnoxiously took a photo.

Fifteen thousand hours later, and we’re in. You know what would be great right now is a couch.

Hell, we already have two, but we’ll take another. There’s a food shortage PEOPLE and kidneys taste gooooood. [Craigslist]

Barack Obama and his Husseinbots tried to suffocate all three Clintons last night, in a Pepsi Center elevator. That is not Change We Need — it’s attempted murder! Read this SUN-TIMES EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT: “The Clinton family — Bill, Hillary and Chelsea — got stuck in an elevator Wednesday night, shortly after they left their box at the Pepsi Center … The Clintons got stuck midway between one floor and the next, and ultimately had to climb out of the elevator, back up three-and-a-half-feet to the next floor.” According to this EXCLUSIVE, “Observers were impressed at how calm everyone remained” in the face of rogue black hope elevators trying to kill them. [Chicago Sun-Times]

Here he is, the Big Guy, the “bruiser,” Joe Biden, in his 20th HBO Special, “Ize Gonna Be Viceys.” HA HA HA, that is what he named it, we imagine. He’s always makin’ the jokes, like “what’s up with these black Indians running all the articulate 7-elevens?” He doesn’t even need a punchline, THE SETUP IS FUNNY ENOUGH. Oh wait… he plagiarized that joke entirely from a Bobby Kennedy speech. [Sigh]. Let’s watch him make fun of his good friend, John “Walnuts” McCain, in his new role as Plagiarist Attack Dog. MORE »

On our 17-mile march from downtown Denver to “The Perimeter,” which is a police blockade at least another 17 miles from the actual Pepsi Center, we ran into these friends. Thousands of riot cops, thousands of hippies, thousands of blocked crossways and pedestrian routes to The Perimeter. They are protesting Barack Obama’s War in Iraq, as well as the fact that anyone is dying anywhere in the world. Let’s immanentize their eschaton, after the jump. MORE »

Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews, of MSNBC, do not like each other or each other’s families, at all. And so here was this thing, yesterday, where Matthews snapped at Olbermann on teevee when they should have been asking important Rep. Steny Hoyer what he thinks about some arbitrary Clinton bullshit. They are working at a train station and no one knows why. [YouTube]

Hillary Clinton is the most orange woman alive tonight. “Orange” is the color of Unity, and Barack Obama. Are the PUMAs buying it? No, because they’re sociopaths. But maybe enough people are. It’s all about getting your 51%, and Hillary could offer like 2%, right now! 3%! MORE »