MICHIGAN DEMOCRATS COME UP WITH NEW PLAN THAT WILL FAIL: The Michigan Democratic party has yet another new proposal to figure out its horrible situation: Give 69 delegates to Hillary and 59 to Obama. SOUNDS GOOD OVER HERE. But a little 69 action may not be good enough for Hillary. [Marc Ambinder]

Jiminy crickets, the DNC is going to have more hearings on May fucking 31 to decide the status of Michigan and Florida’s delegates. They are going to sit around in a stack of burning hobbit carcases and drink Sprite and think about whether they should seat the states’ superdelegates and half of their plebeian delegates. The delegates have declared that standing room will not suffice. [Ben Smith]

Linda Ramirez-Sliwinski, an Illinois delegate to the Democratic National Convention for Barack Obama, recently got a $75 disorderly conduct ticket from local police “for calling some African-African neighborhood children ‘monkeys’ as they were climbing a tree.” It is clear that she must be one of those secret delegates for Clinton who will switch her vote on the third nominating ballot! MORE »

This Nancy Pelosi character is a real piece of work. The Speaker of the House keeps offering opinions on what to do about the Democratic nomination for president, and every time it’s some version of “Oh well, things will work themselves out P.S. VOTE FOR OBAMA. OR CLINTON, IF YOU WANT.” First she says she doesn’t think Democratic superdelegates will go against the popular vote at the convention — meaning that Pelosi is just another Obama freak riding the Hope Express all the way to President McCain’s inauguration day. But then today on Good Morning America she says pretty much the opposite thing! MORE »

Oh you thought Hillary Clinton won Texas on March 4? Think again! Instead of a normal voting system, Texas has a vast and specially designed labyrinth of despair that prevents all but the most froth-mouthed true believers from ever emerging with something called a “vote” — so upon second inspection, it looks like the latest round goes to Barack Obama. MORE »

Yes, absolutely, no doubt, because that is precisely what Time’s Joe Klein says and that makes it true. You see, back in the old days, the national nominating conventions were very important. Since humans had no means of communicating long-distance until 1994 or so, each party’s leaders would gather in some fancy saloon in, say, Ohio, and smash whiskey bottles over each other’s heads until they decided on a good presidential nominee. And this is why Al Gore will finally win the presidency at this year’s Democratic National Convention. MORE »

They are reaching another Deal to have a primary in that state! Colorado? No, Michigan! A statement from Party Officials, via the New York Times: “At this time we are focusing on the possibility of a state-run primary in early June, which would not use any state funding. This option would require the passage of legislation by the State Legislature, and we look forward to working with the members of the Legislature in the coming days to see if this option can be made a reality.” Ooh, a state primary that Jesus and the Mexicans pay for — that’s the best solution yet! Watch it fail. [NYT]

The Florida Democratic party has issued a draft memo for a possible mail-in do-over primary vote that will likely never happen, because it costs money. It would also require effort, and everyone in Florida is a retired police officer. Who wants to piece that half-baked bastardization of Democracy together? The various alligators? No, no one wants this… this… “mail-in” faux primary. Fortunately the Democratic party “elders” may be cooking up something that requires no effort and everyone would accept, but maybe not Barack Obama. MORE »

Hillary is about to lose the state of Texas and also the nomination for President, because nobody likes a failure. If Barack Obama gains four thousandths of one percent of the primary vote in Texas’ Senate District 19, where 14 precincts have yet to report, Hillary Clinton’s overall primary delegate count will slip to 64 versus Obama’s 62. In other words, she will lose by not winning enough. MORE »

Hooray for Hillary — she won Texas and Ohio yesterday but made absolutely no inroads into Obama’s insurmountable pledged delegate lead! What’s next? According to everyone’s favorite senior adviser Harold Ickes, pledged delegates don’t matter, because they are not bound and will vote for Clinton when Obama is revealed to be behind 9/11 & terror. MORE »

MSNBC and the AP and most other people are projecting that with tonight’s victories, John McCain will top 1,200 delegates. Since the Republican nominee only needs 1,191 delegates, John McCain has won the Republicans who hate him. Congrats to WALNUTS! We loathe you.