• HERE’S A LITTLE EXTRA, BUY SOMETHING NICE FOR MRS. AIG: The government will give terrible insurance whore AIG another $37.8 billion loan in addition to the $85 billion one it received last month. (Ken mentioned this too!) All you have to do is ask politely and put on a sad puppy face! WOULD ANYONE ELSE WHO MADE BAD DECISIONS LIKE SOME FRESH BILLIONS IN U.S. DEBT? Underwater homeowners, failed financial giants, they’re fixin’ on a windfall alright. Debt is for fairies! Now everyone go max out your credit cards and buy fourteen houses, don’t bother with a mortgage, just give ‘em $3.42 and put the rest on the government’s tab. [AP]

Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs, the two largest independent investment banks to not have been brutally murdered yet, are… moderately fucked? Both companies’ stock prices have been dropping a solid 10-20% each of the last few days, but supposedly that will curtail when people calm the fuck down. WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN, which is why Morgan Stanley will now be sold to the Chinese government for two crusty dildos and a pack of Luckies. MORE »

So you know how the Fed “bailed out” AIG with $80+ billion and now everything is okay? Right, it’s not okay at all. The $80+ billion allows the failed insurance giant an “orderly liquidation” of its assets. AIG is done. That is just one of the reasons why the markets continue to collapse today — the Dow’s down 240 at the moment, or 2.16%, the NASDAQ’s down 3.2%, and the S&P 500 is down by 3%. Oh, and the last remaining American investment houses took huge hits, again. Morgan Stanley dropped by thirty-freakin’-seven percent, this morning, and Goldman Sachs fell more than 20%. But what’s the bad news? MORE »

Bill Clinton e-mailed us today and guess what he wants, that’s right, more money. He writes that you can purchase a DVD of Hillary & Bill’s convention speeches for $50 dollars, today! And if you pay $250, you get the same thing but SIGNED BY HILLARY. It is called the “Signature” Edition! Oh man, these people miss that $11 million of their $109 million fortune so much. But aren’t candidates who’ve suspended their campaigns only allowed to raise money through the convention, and then it comes out of their pocketbooks? Maybe there’s an article somewhere about this, but fuck reading. Anyway, Bill Clinton wants you to buy porn, was the point. [Hillary Clinton]

The other day we mentioned Hillary Clinton’s latest attempt to win back $11 million of her $109 million fortune, the “Have Dinner With Hillary” contest. Today, Bill Clinton sent out another e-mail about the contest, and it’s gross. He writes, “Of all the people I’ve had the privilege to break bread with, the person I most enjoy is still Hillary.” Then: “Trust me on this one. If you’re the lucky winner, it will be a night you’ll really enjoy and one to remember.” Bill, as much as we’d like Hillary to roofie us, how are we supposed to “trust you on this one” when you’ve just lied by saying that you still enjoy Hillary? Full e-mail, after the jump. MORE »

The saddest thing about Hillary Clinton dropping out of the presidential race was the prospect that we might never again see a news story about the hilarious wankocracy that was Team Clinton. But hurrah, her campaign lives on, in the form of her campaign debt, which will never be retired because Obama’s people are so MEAN. MORE »

America, Hillary Clinton needs your help. In a new video released from her underground bunker in Chappaqua, she talks about how awesome it was to meet you all in rope lines. Meanwhile, a big red CONTRIBUTE button looms nearby. It is like this lady wants money or something. [HillaryClinton.com]

Sure, Hillary Clinton’s campaign ended like $30 million in the red, but that doesn’t mean our intrepid girl candidate will have to start eating out of soup kitchens. Complicated campaign finance laws and a clever lawyer will somehow manage to spin Hillary’s stack of IOUs into mountains of cash, or at least food stamps, or free tickets to Regal Cinemas, or front-row seats to Mark Penn’s nude public flogging. [Politico]

The nation’s most historic nomination race in the history of History may be coming to an end today, but probably not, because Hillary Clinton can’t call it quits until she has figured out how to get her campaign out of tens of millions of dollars of debt. According to one shadowy source, the reason she’s staying in the race is “not about the vice-presidency or any other position she might get. It’s about the money – in particular the Clinton family money.” She shouldn’t worry too much, though, because a mere eight years ago Bill left office with an estimated $12 million in debt — and presto, after less than a decade of whoring around with Ron Burkle he’s back on top of the world! What will Hillary do to recoup her own debts, short of selling her hair and teeth? MORE »

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has acknowledged that it is $20 million in debt. Who cares? That’s about a fifth of the money she and Bill have made in the last seven years, and Barack will help ease some of it when she quits. She can put a few more weeks on her AmEx if she wants to, and she might as well at this point: Let her run out the rest of the primaries, everyone will decide, and the only thing pushing her out will be her old nemesis, Math, finally set-in-stone. And then she’ll sue and take it to the convention where Al Gore will become president, again. [Washington Post]

If you feel like you’re broke, even though you’re part of a two-income family, it’s probably because you have a lot less money to go around than a one-income family would’ve had 30 years ago. [MSNBC]