Tag Archives: debates

  best frontrunner ever

Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum Pull Out Of March Debate, CNN Cancels

Precious Mittens McRomney is too scared to debate his three historically incompetent remaining rivals on March 1, in Georgia. That means next week’s debate in Arizona will be his last until March 19, by which time he hopes to have purchased the Republican party’s presidential nomination. Now everyone go in the comments and call Mitt Romney a pussy, thx. UPDATE: Oh and now Rick Santorum has dropped out, too? It is raining pussies today. But a Gingrich-Paul-only debate moderated by Wolf Blitzer could be hilarious, for 20 minutes or so. UPDATE II: Today, we are all pussies. CNN has canceled the debate. How will the people of Georgia make an informed decision when they head to the polls now? UPDATE III: Anyone else want to drop out of or cancel anything? Fill it in here, ______________________, we’re done with this post. UPDATE IV: The universe has been canceled, all of us are reduced to nothingness. Read more on Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum Pull Out Of March Debate, CNN Cancels…
  no peeking

Oh, Look, Romney Attacked Kennedy’s Blind Trust During 1994 Senate Race

Mitt Romney, who was slightly more humanoid in 1994 than he is today, also thought blind trusts, of which he has one, and which he passionately defended during Thursday night’s Jacksonville debate, were terrible, devious things. How exactly did he put it? Oh yes, a blind trust is an “age-old ruse.” Read more on Oh, Look, Romney Attacked Kennedy’s Blind Trust During 1994 Senate Race…
  what did nancy pelosi know and when did she know it?

Newt Gingrich Was Lying About ABC’s Interview With His Ex-Wife, Of Course

Comedy chuckwagon Newt Gingrich got a ton of mileage out of his cranky and peevish take-down of CNN’s John King, and by extension the whole of the liberal media empire. (And for Gingrich’s gross vehicle weight rating, tons of mileage don’t come cheap!) You will recall that ABC was scheduled to air an interview with one of Newt’s former wives almost immediately following last Thursday’s debate in South Carolina and that King decided to open the debate with a question about ex-wife Marianne Gingrich’s allegations that Newt had pressed her for an open marriage. Graduate-level reprobate Newt naturally and easily lobbed this softball out of the park in part with an angry claim that his campaign provided family friends who could testify the story was false but that ABC had rebuked the offers. This claim, it seems, was just a fall-back to one of Newt’s most trusted rhetorical techniques: Flat-Out Lying. Read more on Newt Gingrich Was Lying About ABC’s Interview With His Ex-Wife, Of Course…
  grand old windbags

The Longest Apocalypse: Liveblogging Yet Another GOP Debate

Hello from your Wonkette liveblogging team, taking part once again in America’s “national pastime,” which is trying to get web video streams to function for long enough to hear whatever racist crazy talk the GOP candidates offer tonight. Are you ready? Does a recently converted-to-Catholicism serial adulterer/divorcer shit in the woods? No, because the Newt needs two bathrooms, which is one less than the number of wives he has needed, so far. Read more on The Longest Apocalypse: Liveblogging Yet Another GOP Debate…
  cannot compute will not compute

Romney Short-Circuits Over Debate’s Tax Return Questions

In Thursday’s debate in South Carolina, the one where Gingrich soared, Romney stuttered, Paul sniggered and Santorum … was also there … moderator John King prodded the gentlemen with questions on tax returns, a segment that greatly overshadowed any attempt to remind people that Gingrich isn’t good at monogamy. King’s express interest was in trying to get Romney to either a) be bold, like his father, and release a decade or so of tax returns, b) self-destruct, or c) somehow get carried to safety by the little flapping wings of supportive South Carolinian audience members. The fun part was the contrasts that ended up getting drawn between Romney the barely-taxpayer and everybody else who pays taxes. Ron Paul said the main reason he wasn’t releasing his returns is because he’d be “embarrassed” by how little income he makes. “No one’s challenging me because I have no conflict of interest,” Paul said. Touuuuuché. Read more on Romney Short-Circuits Over Debate’s Tax Return Questions…
  energy efficiency

New Gingrich Ad Has No Content

Newt Gingrich’s latest campaign ad is the shoestringiest thing you could possibly make if you wanted to simply remind people that you speak loudly and forcefully in debates, insult your competitors whilst sounding like a hormonally-charged high school debate team member, and categorically cannot stand the President. The ad consists of Star Wars-like music combined with two debate snippets and some applause. And that’s kind of it. Muffin does show up at the very end to approve the message…of himself speaking and being applauded. Read more on New Gingrich Ad Has No Content…
  please go home

Rick Perry Continues to Think He’s a Scholar of Turkey

In Monday night’s debate, Rick Perry made the claim that Turkey was “ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists.” Just as bafflingly, people from as far and wide as actual Turkey and D.C. have taken time out of their busy days Tuesday to condemn Perry’s par-for-the-course proclamation. But he’s been to Turkey, for god’s sake. He lived there. Have you? Read more on Rick Perry Continues to Think He’s a Scholar of Turkey…
  descending at the speed of light

Rick Perry Bungeeing His Way to Zero, But CNN Letting Him Debate Anyway

CNN decided Wednesday to let Rick Perry into its upcoming Republican debate in South Carolina January 19, despite the fact that he technically doesn’t qualify for it, since his polling average is not that much higher than the average of people who aren’t even in the race anymore. “Oh but he’s fun!,” they cry, and this isn’t so shocking from the network that tries to please everybody by pleasing no one. Read more on Rick Perry Bungeeing His Way to Zero, But CNN Letting Him Debate Anyway…
  system has encountered fatal error

Romney Likes Firing People

After Mitt Romney’s on-the-defensive appearance in Sunday morning’s MSNBC/Facebook debate, the frontrunner showed up at the Nashua Chamber of Commerce in Nashua, NH Monday to give an address in which he admitted that he “likes being able to fire people who provide services to me.” The context was health care: Romney evidently thought that the word “fire” would be an appropriate term for what Americans could do if they weren’t happy about their health care provider. But ummmm, can you go away now, The Man? Read more on Romney Likes Firing People…
  pissing on the sabbath

Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666

Ready to ruin your Saturday night? Then please join us, as we liveblog the New Hampshire ABC News secret-handjob 2012 debate. Let’s hurt together, the way Santorum would want Jesus to hurt us, should we accidentally have the buttsex. Mitt Romney, known as “the guy who is really spending a lot of money to be the nominee, despite nobody liking him at all,” has a chance to … oh who knows. Maybe a circuit will blow! Rick Santorum might finally “come out,” if you know what we mean! Read more on Thanks For Ruining Our Weekend, GOP! Liveblogging Debate #666…
  the king of comedy

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO. Read more on Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate…
  saturday night dead

The Best of Saturday’s Painful GOP Idiot Debate (VIDEO)

The whole debate, in a minute! That’s as much time as anybody should really have to spend thinking about the latest Republican Dimbulb Derby, which was broadcast on Saturday night to an audience of people who were unable to find the remote. At least everybody piled on the fat crying amoral jewelry-debt baby Newt Gingrich, who was probably divorcing his latest wife via text message live on teevee. What else did the numbnuts say during Saturday’s GOP debate? The answers may repulse you! Read more on The Best of Saturday’s Painful GOP Idiot Debate (VIDEO)…
  runaway wig

Taiwan Worries Trump’s Monster Wig Will Jump Off During Dumb GOP Debate

The greatest future example of Democracy In America, the Donald Trump “reality show” corn-syrup wrestling contest that was to be held on some fundamentalist cable shopping channel, seems in terrible danger of falling apart! When even noted teevee clown Michele Bachmann bows out, you know this could have been the greatest television event ever, because it obviously would’ve ended with the losers being dropped into shark tanks. [NMA.tv] Read more on Taiwan Worries Trump’s Monster Wig Will Jump Off During Dumb GOP Debate…
  vote them off the planet

Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate

Remember a few months ago when the Republicans were excited about … right, Donald Trump? And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.” His multi-million ill-gotten fortune couldn’t have been the problem, because Mitt’s still in. The serial adultery and divorces and tacky new wives? Nope, Newt’s still around. Being mentally ill? Hasn’t stopped Bachmann! What about the basic ignorance and stupidity? Rick Perry hasn’t quit the race, and it’s not what’s making Herman Cain quit, either. Maybe it was his national joke of a hairpiece? Whatever the reason, Donald Trump was at least as qualified as all the other GOP candidates combined, so now he gets the consolation prize of moderating a Republican debate, presumably because Kermit the Frog had a prior commitment (and some morals). Read more on Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate…
  strategery

Obama Says His 2012 Ads Will Just Show GOP Debate Clips, ‘Verbatim’

Barack Obama is campaigning, we guess in Asia? And he told the editors of Univision News that his re-election strategy doesn’t require any nasty ads or name-calling. “We may just run clips of the Republican debates verbatim,” he told the Spanish-language network. “We won’t even comment on them, we’ll just run those in a loop.” No wonder the liberals are so depressed. Barack Obama will apparently be re-elected by vaguely reminding voters of the Republicans’ existence. Read more on Obama Says His 2012 Ads Will Just Show GOP Debate Clips, ‘Verbatim’…
  liveblogging in hell

Liveblogging the ‘Oh Let’s Pretend We Like Herman Cain’ GOP Debate

Hello, and welcome to Hades. It’s time for another “there’s actually a GOP debate every week forever” edition of Tonight’s GOP Debate. Who Will Win? Maybe Michele Bachmann will revive her lagging campaign by making the “Cakes of Light” (you really don’t want to know) and then maybe Chris Christie bursts out of this enormous semen/blood concoction, naked except for novelty Jack Sparrow dreadlocks, and sings “Happy Birthday I’m the President” in a comical/racist Warner Bros. cartoon “Italian voice,” and then Herman Cain transforms the entire auditorium into a Barnes & Noble book signing, and gives everybody their own burned-down fast-food franchise to “work from the ground up.” This is the only thing that can happen … this, and whatever actually happens over the next two hours of mental waterboarding. Grab literally every kind of alcoholic beverage and narcotic you can find and prepare yourself, because it’s time to Occupy Corporate America’s Fake Populist Mormon Cultist Texan Pizza Monsters. Would Jesus have it any other way, in this country he built from scratch on a sunny day in 1776 (with slave labor)? Watch it live on Bloomberg, with us! Read more on Liveblogging the ‘Oh Let’s Pretend We Like Herman Cain’ GOP Debate…
  oh god not again

Liveblogging the GOP Fox News Strap-On Death Match Debate #54

No not another one! Yes, another one! We will do some liveblogging on this, maybe? To give Kirsten Boyd Johnson a break so she can “do something at night” (cry), maybe? Yes! We do hope you’ve picked up the usual giant-sized condoms full of vodka and ice axes, and that you’re ready to join us for this special thing. How will the Fox News GOP Debate celebrate today’s 391-point drop in the Dow Jones Stock Market and similar plunges worldwide? How can you watch it without watching Fox News on the cable teevee? Go to this debate view-y thing! Weep a lot. Let’s go. (PS: The video of this crowd of jackals booing a veteran soldier who served in Iraq can be found at the bottom of this timeline of indignities.) Read more on Liveblogging the GOP Fox News Strap-On Death Match Debate #54…
  republicans in the news

Did Rick Perry Try To Rough-Sex Ron Paul At GOP Debate?

Dr. Ron Paul’s portion of the Internet is goin’ nutz over the rumored grab-ass Rick Perry was trying to strong-arm Doctor Congressman Paul with, during the Reagan Gravesite Debate. Why is Rick Perry such a violent psychopath? Does he just hate freedom so much that he went over and tried to beat up a whiny old man in view of a thousand cameras? Read more on Did Rick Perry Try To Rough-Sex Ron Paul At GOP Debate?…
  worse than the video game

Liveblogging the GOP Reagan Zombie Wrestling Death Match

Hello fiends! Your editor is back tonight to do some hot Reagan Death Zombie liveblogging, and your other editor will be here later to take over, and if there was EVER a week to come back to Wonkette and “mind the gap” or whatever, this is a very bad one indeed. TONIGHT: Eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses will grasp the cold dead mummy of Ronald Reagan and try to sex it up, for 9/11. They are at the world-famous (forgotten except for once every four years during presidential debate season) Ronald Reagan Mausoleum located beneath a foreclosed landfill in Simi Valley, California. Never heard of Simi Valley? Neither have the people who live there. It looks like Texas after the wildfires: a burnt orange moonscape of tract home skeletons and nuclear waste. It is the Future of America, which is coming very soon, and which actually began 10 years ago, in the same way the Thousand Year Reich of the Dark Ages began with the Sack of Rome in 410 CE. Nunquam obliviscar. Read more on Liveblogging the GOP Reagan Zombie Wrestling Death Match…
  american idol but with abortion jokes

Liveblogging The New Hampshire GOP Debate

Here is your “GOP debate blingee” which, you know, hang in there. Your furriner editor is new at the blingee thing. SO HERE WE GO. Tonight’s debate is in New Hampshire, where Michele Bachmann last changed American history. Why was Sarah Palin trying to copy her so hard? Where is Sarah Palin, to wear the same color jacket as Michele Bachmann? This is now the second GOP primary contender debate, which, did that first one count? No, because Mittens was not there. What will Mittens say about the MEDISCARE? Will experimental linguist Tim Pawlenty use his favorite new word, “Obamneycare?” Who will say how much they want to sleep with Paul Ryan first? Read more on Liveblogging The New Hampshire GOP Debate…
  extra cheese

Republican Voters Apparently Really, Really Like Herman Cain

Before we turned off the teevee after that terrible debate last night, the Republican Party’s appointed Divider, Frank Luntz, was doing what he always does, standing in front of the whitest people he could find in a few hours, asking them questions to find out how best to make people like this think their political opponents aren’t human beings, much less American. But before he could get into that, he had to allow this restless group of people to express their sudden yet profound commitment to do whatever Herman Cain, the next president of the United States, says. He didn’t just win the debate. He mopped the floor with them all. And it makes absolutely no sense. Read more on Republican Voters Apparently Really, Really Like Herman Cain…
  deck chairs on a dollar-store titanic

The First Time Republicans Debate Who Is Least Likely To Be President Liveblog

Tonight, American history is made: it is the first time there in American history that there is no chance American history will be made. THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING. Well, five of them are. And not even any of the “good” ones, who, if you’re keeping score at home, are mediocre at best. And it’s on Fox News, so most of the questions will be variations on “Can we trust this communist terrorist to run the economy? Yes, no, or no and also Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever?” Please refer to our drinking game so you don’t get boredom-onset seizures! Drinking will keep you busy. And this liveblog, which starts NOW. Read more on The First Time Republicans Debate Who Is Least Likely To Be President Liveblog…