Wonkette

Last night, John McCain showed Barack Obama how it’s done when it comes to speechifying: You park yourself in an underground bunker, pack the house with 80-year-old Bitters, and blink awkwardly in front of a vomitous green screen while declaring “that’s not change you can believe in.” Emboldened by that rousing success, John McCain will today challenge Barack Obama to a series of debates that will show the world just how angry and enfeebled the Republican candidate is. [Jonathan Martin]

“Hobnobbing with crooks!” This debate will happen in Kentucky, at the cable access station behind the moonshine mill, moderated by John Edwards disguised as Charlie Gibson. Also, this is from the highly anticipated new “Brokeback Batman” movie, the end. [YouTube]

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So a couple days ago on Fox and Friends they were talking about Hillary Clinton challenging Barack Obama to a “Lincoln-Douglas debate.” They referred, of course, to the grueling series of seven three-hour debates held in 1858 between Illinois senatorial candidates Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas, who was a shrimpy pro-slavery jackass. But those silly graphical artists at Fox thought the Douglas in question was Frederick Douglass, the former slave and abolitionist who basically agreed with Lincoln even if Lincoln had to hedge a bit to get elected! The point is, Hillary Clinton wants 21 more hours of debates which is why she must be stopped. MORE »

Oh no no no no no, no, no! Katie Couric’s debate has been canceled, and she’ll never be a famous teevee star like Bob Schieffer. The North Carolina Democratic party has nixed the proposed April 27 CBS debate because of logistical and scheduling concerns. In its press release, however, the party did hint at the real issue for cancellation: “There were also growing concerns about what another debate would do to party unity.” In other words, the state party and CBS don’t want to be maligned as badly as George Stephanopoulos and Charlie Gibson and everyone involved in last week’s crapfest-from-space were. [Deep breath]. Thank God there is not a debate on April 27. [Ben Smith]

Red alert! It appears Kos and his liberal netroots have breached the inner circle of ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos and killed him to death. He is a Greek “white ethnic” so that is a Hate Crime. George Stephanopoulos was 16 years old. [YouTube]

The elitist assessment of that terrible debate last night is pretty much, Oh my god, they let that be broadcast on the teevee?” So, obviously, it is the debate “Regular Americans” loved most, because ABC just announced that no primary debate has ever had so big an audience. Take that, Lincoln-Douglas Debate! Suck it, Kennedy-Nixon Debate! MORE »

Yowza yowza yowza, the Spin Room at the National Constitution Center has been conquered by Mr. Spin himself, Howard Wolfson, the Clinton campaign’s communications director and new Chief Strategist! He sure looks like he wants to hit some fella. Maybe the douchebag blogger pointing the camera in his face for like 20 seconds? (Can’t this guy shave?)

Whatever. A multitude of old slaveowners cast in bronze discussing America, after the jump. MORE »

Wowsers, ABC is giving CNN a run for its money in hosting the worst faux-legitimate debate (part 1) this season. But we have yet to hear whether Obama sheds ONE tear or SEVERAL tears when he sees an American Bald Eagle. Does the Bald Eagle love America as much as he does? George & Chuckie will be sure to ask. MORE »

Hey look everybody, it’s your favorite pals from the Main Stream Media, in Philadelphia. We are here to liveblog Barack and Hillary’s latest friendly debate from the National Constitution Center, where the Constitution was whittled from a single block of wood. It’s true! Ask Ben Franklin, he’s EVERYWHERE in this city. Anyway, what do Barack and Hillary have to say that anyone will care about? Only THE ISSUES! Now let’s grab a bottled water and wave girlishly at Mickey Kaus and liveblog this number. MORE »

Greetings from your editor’s spacious couch! We forego a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to the Pennsyltucky Massacre/Debate in order to bring you this important commentary from beloved cultural icons Chris Matthews, Pat Buchanan, and the guy from Massachusetts. What crazy accidental truths will this bitter old white Catholics utter in between non sequitors? Join us and find out! MORE »

PHILLY LIVEBLOGGING ALERT: Your Wonkette should be in Philadelphia by now, if the poor-people bus didn’t crash, in a bus plunge. Wonkette Team Liveblogging starts shortly! Stop at the liquor/religion store on the way home and load up on bitter booze and bitter guns! [WP The Fix]

Your Wonkette is about to drive to Filthadelphia, the Illadelph, or as some call it, Philadelphia. Barack Obama and his blood rival Hillary Clinton will be debating there later tonight at the National Constitution Center, and we will liveblog it from America’s Constitution Press Filing Room. Will there be pretty pictures of sweaty reporters and Ben Franklin? Yes We Can! The debate kicks off at 8 p.m., but the Eagles pre-game show will last all afternoon.

Remember the last time we had the last debate, in Ohio? That was obviously never the last debate of anything. Hillary and Barack have both agreed to an April 16 debate in Philadelphia, and Barack has proposed another one for April 19 in North Carolina. This will be the last debate again, until they have a Knife Fight Debate on the stage of the Democratic National Convention, moderated by Wolf Blitzer, to determine the winner of a magical twice-baked potato. [TPM Election Central]