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Posts Tagged ‘debates’

Liveblogging Part I: The Pre-Debate Electoral Map Masturbatorium

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

Nation of subprime welfare queensTo your left is the shack where her editor spent her “vacation,” getting harassed by banana slugs and watching the VP debate in a bar full of scratch-off Lotto ticket addicts who muttered angry things about “Barack HUSSEIN Obama” on their way out. (Kidding! That is another one of John McCain’s eleventy billion subprime properties, now on sale in exchange for a sack of speckled beans.) Anyhow now we are back, rested and refreshed! We hear there is some sort of a talky talky with whatsisface, Hussein, and the little angry man. What magical maps is John King drawing at this very moment to show us how Poverty will finally triumph over Racism this electoral cycle? MORE »


Friday, October 3rd, 2008
  • AND NOW WE ARE ALL DUMBER: The early Nielsen ratings are in for last night’s debate, and they’re a full freaking 42% higher than the ratings from last Friday’s presidential debate, making it the most watched debate since Bush/Clinton/Perot in 1992. Jesus, we are a bizarre country. [The Live Feed]

VP Debate Moderator Gwen Ifill Breaks Ankle, HOW PECULIAR HMM?

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill, who will host Thursday’s debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, purportedly broke her ankle “after tripping and falling down stairs at her home last night.” Oh well what a timely “accident,” and what a likely “story,” which sounds nothing like “intimidation.” CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”? [TV Newser]


Wonkette Interviews Bob Barr At Weird-Sounding Reason Mag Party!

Monday, September 29th, 2008

Your associate editor was prepared to go to this funny-sounding debate party last Friday at the D.C. headquarters of libertarian masturbation pamphlet Reason, one for which Bob Barr was invited to yell at Obama and McCain on the teevee, live. Ineffectiveness and vanity on this level is, of course, the very essence of libertarianism. So instead your editor incoherently liveblogged from home, viciously drunk (sorry!) and FAR AWAY from the old yelling octoroon. But Liz Glover went in our stead, and she brought a sidekick! MORE »


What The Poo Was This Debate About? Liveblog, Part IV

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Uhh, that’s your terrible & presiding president, “George,” with the sparkles. What’s his importance tonight. No one knows. No one knows why George Bush isn’t LOCKING THIS CRAP UP for Barry Obama. Who won this debate? Let’s see what the teevee pundits say, on CNN. Once it ends which will be never. MORE »


Liveblogging The Mississippi Mud Slide, Part II

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Jim Lehrer, you garish little Skittle whore! What kind of jacket is THAT? Slut slut slut Jim Lehrer is a slut. Oh god this debate is boring, we realized during our last moment of clarity. Time to open the Schlitz! Huh? Who are you people anyway. (Pre-blog & Part 1). MORE »


Liveblogging Debate Night Pre-Show: What Do Dumb Anchors ‘Predict’?

Friday, September 26th, 2008

That’s WALNUTS! after downing his fifteen nightly Ambien. What a nut. But, he showed up for tonight’s debate, and that’s more than he was planning on yesterday! So give him credit HE WAS IN THE WAR FOR CHRIST’S SAKE JESUS. Anyway: tonight’s debate is about race. No. Foreign policy… of race? we have four 40s for the night but still have some vague idea of what’s going on at the moment. Let’s watch, uh, MSNBC CNN or something, sure, and get drunker faster better before the “show” starts. We’ll be having a new liveblog every half-hour tonight. MORE »


McCain ‘Suspends’ Campaign To Get Palin Out Of Debates

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

That pig won't hunt.Here is a brilliant switcheroo! John McCain proposes delaying his debate if he has not singlehandedly resolved America’s financial crisis by tomorrow, so that way he and Barack Obama can debate next Thursday — the night when Sarah Palin and Joe Biden were set to debate. And then once they’ve rescheduled the Palin/Biden debate, John McCain can pull another crazy stunt — announcing his own daughter is fake pregnant, maybe, or firing Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or refusing to appear in public in anything but a glittering leotard — and everyone will forget all about this Palin nut and how she withers under intense questioning by Katie freaking Couric. John McCain will personally bomb North Korea in an ancient fighter plane with a Muppet as his co-pilot before he allows Sarah Palin to debate anything besides a goldfish. A dead goldfish. [Political Ticker]


Debate Prep: John McCain To Practice With One Black Guy He Knows

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Hoorah the first debate is Friday, in Confederate Mississippi! Will the plantation owners even let Barack Obama onto the debate stage, or will he have to shout his answers from the balcony? That would be sure to spark a national conversation about race, between no one. But! We’ll see. This week, however, each campaign has assembled a team of debating “vets” for rigorous preparatory regimens. John McCain, for example, will practice-debate with the one black Republican, so as to learn all of “their” tricks. Watch the eyes, Walnuts! THEY SHIFT. And Barack Obama will be debating some old coot he kidnapped at Costco. MORE »


Sarah Palin Tried To Have Stand-In Take Her Place In Gubernatorial Debate

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

Someone just sent us this comical article from an October, 2006 edition of the Anchorage Daily News — a reputable journal if ever there were! — about how Sarah Palin had a “scheduling conflict” during a gubernatorial debate with her two challengers and — instead of canceling her dumb conflict, because who cares — she tried to get her running mate to debate for her. Her two challengers wouldn’t agree to this because… just… just NO. What the hell? NO LADY NO. MORE »


John McCain Challenges Obama To A Series Of Duels!

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

I am angry and enfeebled!Last night, John McCain showed Barack Obama how it’s done when it comes to speechifying: You park yourself in an underground bunker, pack the house with 80-year-old Bitters, and blink awkwardly in front of a vomitous green screen while declaring “that’s not change you can believe in.” Emboldened by that rousing success, John McCain will today challenge Barack Obama to a series of debates that will show the world just how angry and enfeebled the Republican candidate is. [Jonathan Martin]


Next Hillary-Obama Debate Will Be Awesome

Wednesday, May 14th, 2008


“Hobnobbing with crooks!” This debate will happen in Kentucky, at the cable access station behind the moonshine mill, moderated by John Edwards disguised as Charlie Gibson. Also, this is from the highly anticipated new “Brokeback Batman” movie, the end. [YouTube]


Muppets Debate Clinton vs. Obama

Thursday, May 8th, 2008