Wonkette

Do you live in the Washington D.C. metro area? If so, you are probably going to die soon because there is a COUGAR on the prowl. According to Wonkette “Terp” operative “Chris,” security officials at University of Maryland at College Park are warning students that the dreadful monster, this cougar, has been seen hunting students for sustenance. And now it is coming for you and your terrible family! MORE »

Imaginary Democratic vice presidential frontrunner Gov. Tim Kaine is now being harassed by the press all over his weird state of Virginia. He told reporters this morning that he doesn’t “have any idea about where the process is” and he hasn’t talked to Obama “for a number of weeks, since before his trip.” He is already the Vice President of Lies, it seems. But where did he tell reporters these terrible lies? “Kaine, widely rumored to be at the top of Obama’s veep short list, attended the annual Chincoteague Pony Swim this morning with his 13-year old daughter.” Oh, how predictable: our would-be second black vice president is a deranged horse-drowning fetishist. MORE »

Did you spend double-digit money this weekend to see the Most Important Film Of Our Time, Batman Vs. The Dead Gay Cowboy Clown? YEAH YOU DID BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIGH ART. As we’ve mentioned previously, the dead Joker harasses Sen. Patrick Leahy at some fancy Washington cocktail party (Capitol File?) in this Work of Deep Brilliant Cinema, which is based on a comic book for children. And because Pat Leahy is a whore in real life, he has written a review of the film for known modernist film trade publication The Hill. It is an exciting review which you can read in its entirety after the jump. MORE »

Ha ha ha, John McCain made an ungodly horrific “joke” yesterday that you’ve probably already noticed. When a reporter asked him about an increase in American cigarette exports to Iran, phunny humorist McCain responded, “Maybe that’s a way of killing them.” It’s amazing because this Very Dark Humor implies that killing innocent civilians is the specific strategy of the United States government re: Iran. Well duh! But still, check out how John McCain’s friends in the Associated Press treated this astonishing gaffe in the write-up: “Cindy McCain’s jab to her husband’s back came a second too late Tuesday to keep him from making a wisecrack about the health impact of Iran’s main import from the United States: cigarettes.” Ooooh golly, that pair, always with the loving give-and-take. He makes his silly wisecracks, she tells him to sit on it! We’re glad that the playful dynamics of their marriage is what we took away from this story. [AP, TPM]

In today’s edition of Wonkette Economic Newz(TM), the economy grew by 1% in Q1 2008!!!! The original estimate was still an awesome 0.9%, which was awesomer than Q4 2007’s 0.6%, which was awesome too because HOW CAN A PERFECT ECONOMY EVEN GROW AT ALL? Also, the Dow is down like 300 points and Oil is over $140/barrel and Congress has renamed our economy “Jesus’ Money Thing” because why not. [AP, AP]

The saddest part about Tim Russert’s death last Friday was not that he was young. It’s that he never got to stick it to those damn liberal tree-fuckers who don’t want to drill America’s coasts for sweet, sweet Texas Tea! Such was the extrapolation of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) yesterday on the House floor. Do those elite big city fairies think that “Lil’ Russ” liked paying $5 a gallon for gas? He definitely did not! And while we’re at it, how can those Democrats go around killing babies when Tim Russert is also dead? [Think Progress, YouTube]

Oh Tim, you are making everybody feel like a slacker today, when we were already feeling sad. Your last blog thing on MSNBC was posted at 9:50 a.m. Friday, a few hours before you collapsed while doing voiceovers for Sunday’s Meet the Press. You talked about Obama’s new anti-smear team on the Internet, and plugged your Sunday show, which was to feature Obama and McCain surrogates Joe Biden and Lindsey Graham debating each other, which would actually be pretty lame. But still …. [RUSSERT ON POLITICS]

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. MORE »

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee’s most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: “Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America’s awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a ‘hit list’ that contained my name.” Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

Dr. Jack Kevorkian — the “assisted suicide advocate” who spent eight years in prison for second degree murder — is planning on running for Congress in Michigan. He is 80 years old, and is responsible for many half-voluntary deaths. Jesus, if he had gotten his shit together earlier, he could’ve won the Republican nomination for president. MORE »

William F. Buckley Jr., founder of conservative ideas and delightful sailor, died earlier this week. This afternoon, the Nation posted an article challenging Buckley’s legacy. “Buckley’s so-called boldness and playfulness had an ideological flip-side,” Richard Kim writes, “cruelty, pettiness and a tendency to embrace fascistic solutions in the guise of pragmatism.” What the hell is wrong with Richard Kim? Doesn’t he know that it is, objectively, too soon to question Buckley’s ideas? If Kim expects anyone to show up at his funeral after this stunt, he’s kidding himself. MORE »

* “One in three children in the District live in poverty. One in three. The city’s infant mortality rate and number of adults in foster care both on the rise, as well.” [why.i.hate.dc]
* “Look at this guy. How comfortable does he look? Aside from that empty bread basket on his head, this dude really does embody the contemporary man.” [Arjewtino]
* “You are gonna walk around with my gavel hanging out of your ass until your trial date, so you can remember what an arrogant, ignorant, no boating ass you are.” [DCeiver]
* “Now DC cabs are the only ones that don’t have the surcharge for extra passengers …. More passengers means more consumption of gas, more tear and wear on the vehicle and more boring and painful conversations that passengers carry on amongst each other that the driver has to listen to.” [Diary of a Mad DC Cabbie]
* “Yeah, my weekend was really relaxing…oh, by the way, is your brother still alive?” [DCist]

Ritz fucking Crackers has brought us the latest in insane surveys that make us want to claw our eyes out. In this survey, 39 percent of people say that Rudi is the most fun Republican candidate. Mitt may be Clark Griswold and the Huck might be that weird frat guy everyone knew in college but only wanted to hang out under the influence, but nothing says real fun to most Americans like a man in drag, an annulled wife, an ex wife, a bunch of gay friends and a hard-on for the minorities of New York. Barack won on the Democratic side, but mostly because he’s hot. [USN&WR, for real]