Tag Archives: death

  our impending deaths

Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc.

How’s the “best health care system in the world” doing, these days? Uhh …. Large swaths of the United States are showing decreasing or stagnating life expectancy even as the nation’s overall longevity trend has continued upwards, according to a county-by-county study of life expectancy over two decades. Read more on Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc….
  it's for their own good

With 45 Million Americans On Food Stamps, GOP Will Cut Food Stamps

The number of Americans relying on federal help to get food has been climbing for years now, with 45 million people and 21 million households currently dependent on the program. It’s not just the unemployed relying on the vouchers — seniors, veterans, school children and the disabled are among the groups hit hardest in this Great Recession. And the Republicans in Congress have a great idea that will save money and take care of the hunger problem: Cut America’s “Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program” completely so that the hungry people will all die. Win win! Read more on With 45 Million Americans On Food Stamps, GOP Will Cut Food Stamps…
  winning the future

Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad

President Obama hosted an impromptu Christian egg-thing on his lawn this morning, probably because he forgot to send out a “Happy Easter!” eCard and needed to cover his ass. Your Wonkette had the panache to attend this family event and then ask Barack Obama a mean-spirited question about an American citizen who has been held indefinitely without even being charged with an actual “crime.” We are terrible, worse than James O’Queef! Yes! And here are some of our other heavily-edited videos, which prove ACORN gave free abortions to the underage Easter bunny: Read more on Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad…
  it's morning in america

Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election

Enemy of the Koch “JoAnne Kloppenburg” was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election, after some weird lady “found” 14,000 votes on her personal computer. But now this hippie sore loser has requested a recount, probably because Prosser is only ahead by 7,316 votes, which is 0.5 percent of the 1.5 million votes cast statewide. More liberal tricks! First Kloppenburg declared victory without even considering that some lady would find 14,000 votes a day after the election results were announced. And now this, a recount? Nobody knows how long this process will take, or how many union thugs Scott Walker will have to fire in retaliation. [Reuters] Read more on Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election… Read more on Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election…
  it's morning in america

Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete

Conditions at the Fukushima Daiichi plant are worsening by the day, and the general consensus seems to be that the plant’s damaged nuclear reactors are beyond repair. Remember when Japan was dumping helicopter-loads of water on the plant, to “cool down” the reactors? Ha-ha, there’s been a slight change of plans. Officials have requested the world’s largest concrete pump, which is being hastily flown from Atlanta, and then they are going to bury the reactors in concrete. Disaster averted! Meanwhile, the workers who are still at the scene have to share radiation-detection devices — meaning often times they have no idea how much radiation they are being exposed to — and they also sleep on the floor, with “only one blanket each to wrap themselves around.” Many of these selfless workers are expected to die. Anyway … Happy April 1st jokes and pranks day! [ABC] Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete… Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete…
  it's morning in america

Scott Walker Ignores Court Orders, War Against Normal People Continues

People who aren’t billionaires experienced a rare “hopeful” sensation (haha, remember that word, “Hope”? Before it was removed from the Oxford English Dictionary and replaced with “OMG”?) last week, after an activist judge legislating from the bench ruled that Scott Walker’s Gilded Age labor bill was total garbage. Scott Walker’s goon squad just cold-ignored this ruling, of course! And now this same hippie judge has made another Koch-block ruling against Wisconsin’s famous collective bargaining plan. Not a problem, though! Wisconsin’s Assistant Attorney General Steven Means still says “the legislation ‘absolutely’ is still in effect.” See? That’s how Democracy works. [TPM] Read more on Scott Walker Ignores Court Orders, War Against Normal People Continues… Read more on Scott Walker Ignores Court Orders, War Against Normal People Continues…
  it's morning in america

Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things

Private First Class Bradley Manning faces twenty-two “new” charges, including “aiding the enemy” and probably “complaining too much about being tortured, what a weenie.” (Army people refused to identify the “enemy” Manning is allegedly aiding. Surprise!) Brad Manning is still in solitary confinement at the Quantico Marine Fun Palace, so we’re sure that these new Aiding Lord Voldemort charges are music to his ears — if his American interrogators haven’t cut his ears off yet, which we suspect is probably Standard Operating Procedure at most military rape prisons these days. “So it goes.” [NYT/CNN] Read more on Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things… Read more on Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things…
  death and teleprompterz

Hot Dead-People Trend: ‘In Lieu of Flowers, Defeat Barack Obama’

Because old people are disproportionately Republican and old, a high percentage of those currently planning on voting that black man out of office will be dead before they get the chance. But they are not powerless! They can make sure their final decisions on this Earth are motivated by their favorite emotion, hate, and the object of their hate, the president of the United States. Yes, many dead people are now asking in their obituaries that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to candidates who oppose Barack Obama. Our nation’s dead people are ANGRY and are not above making their funerals political. Death is a time for reflecting on WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Read more on Hot Dead-People Trend: ‘In Lieu of Flowers, Defeat Barack Obama’…
  america's government food business

Oprah, WalMart & USDA Want ‘Healthier’ Processed Anusburgers

The U.S. Department of Agriculture promotes the sale of as much U.S. agricultural products as possible, which means soaked in poison and processed out of recognition, but the USDA is also supposedly the national arbiter of nutritional information. This is why the average public school lunch is made of trans fat, e. coli and the cheapest available industrial sweetener/rat bait, and why the once-a-week “green day” means a couple of months-old frozen carrot sticks are dumped on the tray next to the globule-dripping mystery tumor and the 89%-grease Tater Totz. School lunches are prepared both to make your children obese and to meet strict USDA nutritional guidelines, while simultaneously providing a way for American slop processors and slaughterhouses to sell warehouses full of decrepit disease clumps and chunks of undocumented farm laborers (“Chikkin’ Fingers”) that would otherwise have to be incinerated so feral dogs wouldn’t get sick. Read more on Oprah, WalMart & USDA Want ‘Healthier’ Processed Anusburgers…
  it's a decoy! run!

Dick Cheney Says We Should Look Into Gun Control (Is He Dying?)

DICK CHENEY HAS GONE SOFT. All you need to do is look at this screengrab from the Today show. Yes, that’s him discussing Angry Birds, a smartphone game commonly played by people who don’t have millions of brown people at their fingertips to murder at will. It’s a sign that his body’s evolved venom sacs, which once powered his body, may no longer be working. Dick Cheney looks hauntingly mortal. And that means he may actually die soon. Read more on Dick Cheney Says We Should Look Into Gun Control (Is He Dying?)…
  it's morning in america

Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser

Break out your advent calendar and enjoy a delicious chocolate-covered Alaska Supreme Court ruling which states there “are no remaining issues raised by Miller that prevent this election from being certified.” Yay! Blow it out yer butt, Joe Miller, you hairy fraud. Joe will have two days to file “additional complaints,” but it’s unclear what he could possibly complain about at this point, since his dumb whining about “illegal voter intent” has officially been struck down. Maybe Joe Miller can argue that the Alaska Supreme Court is unconstitutional, because Sarah Palin never endorsed it on Twitter? Maybe! Thanks for the laughs, Joe. And please stay out of the news forever. [WP] Read more on Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser… Read more on Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser…
  thanksgiving cancer freakout

Everyone Actually ‘At Risk’ In Cancer-Porn Machines

Oh look, somebody sent us this “fact sheet” so you can Know Before You Go at the airport! Here are the people who should not get in the cancer tube naked-picture machines, according to science and the U.S. Airline Pilots Association: Read more on Everyone Actually ‘At Risk’ In Cancer-Porn Machines…
  looks like america

FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images

Cigarettes are going to cease to exist forever because the FDA has unveiled new, scarier anti-smoking warnings that will cover 50% of the front of cigarette packaging. But because these warning pictures were made by bureaucrats, they’re not actually that scary. Where’s the photo of a cigarette chopping a guy’s dick in half? C’mon, government. Anyway, as Wonkette operative “G B” notes, they did see fit to include a heart-attack Dick Cheney in this series, seen at left. So the message they’re trying to promote is you can have all the heart attacks you want and still live forever if you make a Faustian bargain to kill lots of Iraqi children for no reason at all? Read more on FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images…
  cry about it some more

Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying

OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying! At least we think so, as he is very cryptic about it. He got all teary and such on his radio show today, and while that’s pretty much an every-second occurrence for him, this time he seemed resigned to the fact that he will die, or something, soon. No, sorry, we heard that wrong: “What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because Mormons don’t actually die, they just transform, like in those Animorphs books. But the word “mentally” in that gives us pause, because maybe it just means Glenn Beck is finally realizing he should trust his doctors when they say he’s insane. Holy Shutter Islandz! Read more on Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying…
  someone needs a hug?

Weak and Girly Obama-Emanuel Hug Will Provoke Nuclear Holocaust

Hugs are gay and start wars. CNBC’s Larry Kudlow knows this all too well, from personal experience, and that is why he penned perhaps the greatest prose ever to grace Big Government, Andrew Breitbart’s ePoop depository. Just take a moment to admire Kudlow’s lede: “Am I the only one who saw weakness when President Obama and his departing chief of staff Rahm Emanuel gave each other big, fat, full-bore hug following their speeches at the resignation event in the White House’s East Room on Friday?” Of course not, Larry Kudlow! Don’t you read the newspapers? Barack Obama and Rahm Emanuel are both huge flamers, and that’s why your feeble-old-man masculinity was able to detect their Weakness. We also noticed that every world leader saw this embrace on teevee and then gleefully activated their nuclear bomb machines — because the entire world is now going to take turns killing America, since its weak leaders are too busy hugging to even care. Read more on Weak and Girly Obama-Emanuel Hug Will Provoke Nuclear Holocaust…
  the military industrial death suit complex

Raytheon Makes Silly Death Suit, Probably Using Your Tax Dollars

Here is the “infrastructure” or whatever that America so desperately needs: U.S. military tech firm Raytheon is living the dream — as long as that dream involves donning a mechanical suit, smashing through thick pine boards and pressing a hundred kilos just for fun. Meet the XOS 2. Read more on Raytheon Makes Silly Death Suit, Probably Using Your Tax Dollars…