Tag Archives: death

  it's morning in america

Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things

Private First Class Bradley Manning faces twenty-two “new” charges, including “aiding the enemy” and probably “complaining too much about being tortured, what a weenie.” (Army people refused to identify the “enemy” Manning is allegedly aiding. Surprise!) Brad Manning is still in solitary confinement at the Quantico Marine Fun Palace, so we’re sure that these new Aiding Lord Voldemort charges are music to his ears — if his American interrogators haven’t cut his ears off yet, which we suspect is probably Standard Operating Procedure at most military rape prisons these days. “So it goes.” [NYT/CNN] Read more on Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things… Read more on Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things…
  death and teleprompterz

Hot Dead-People Trend: ‘In Lieu of Flowers, Defeat Barack Obama’

Because old people are disproportionately Republican and old, a high percentage of those currently planning on voting that black man out of office will be dead before they get the chance. But they are not powerless! They can make sure their final decisions on this Earth are motivated by their favorite emotion, hate, and the object of their hate, the president of the United States. Yes, many dead people are now asking in their obituaries that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to candidates who oppose Barack Obama. Our nation’s dead people are ANGRY and are not above making their funerals political. Death is a time for reflecting on WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Read more on Hot Dead-People Trend: ‘In Lieu of Flowers, Defeat Barack Obama’…
  america's government food business

Oprah, WalMart & USDA Want ‘Healthier’ Processed Anusburgers

The U.S. Department of Agriculture promotes the sale of as much U.S. agricultural products as possible, which means soaked in poison and processed out of recognition, but the USDA is also supposedly the national arbiter of nutritional information. This is why the average public school lunch is made of trans fat, e. coli and the cheapest available industrial sweetener/rat bait, and why the once-a-week “green day” means a couple of months-old frozen carrot sticks are dumped on the tray next to the globule-dripping mystery tumor and the 89%-grease Tater Totz. School lunches are prepared both to make your children obese and to meet strict USDA nutritional guidelines, while simultaneously providing a way for American slop processors and slaughterhouses to sell warehouses full of decrepit disease clumps and chunks of undocumented farm laborers (“Chikkin’ Fingers”) that would otherwise have to be incinerated so feral dogs wouldn’t get sick. Read more on Oprah, WalMart & USDA Want ‘Healthier’ Processed Anusburgers…
  it's a decoy! run!

Dick Cheney Says We Should Look Into Gun Control (Is He Dying?)

DICK CHENEY HAS GONE SOFT. All you need to do is look at this screengrab from the Today show. Yes, that’s him discussing Angry Birds, a smartphone game commonly played by people who don’t have millions of brown people at their fingertips to murder at will. It’s a sign that his body’s evolved venom sacs, which once powered his body, may no longer be working. Dick Cheney looks hauntingly mortal. And that means he may actually die soon. Read more on Dick Cheney Says We Should Look Into Gun Control (Is He Dying?)…
  it's morning in america

Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser

Break out your advent calendar and enjoy a delicious chocolate-covered Alaska Supreme Court ruling which states there “are no remaining issues raised by Miller that prevent this election from being certified.” Yay! Blow it out yer butt, Joe Miller, you hairy fraud. Joe will have two days to file “additional complaints,” but it’s unclear what he could possibly complain about at this point, since his dumb whining about “illegal voter intent” has officially been struck down. Maybe Joe Miller can argue that the Alaska Supreme Court is unconstitutional, because Sarah Palin never endorsed it on Twitter? Maybe! Thanks for the laughs, Joe. And please stay out of the news forever. [WP] Read more on Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser… Read more on Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser…
  thanksgiving cancer freakout

Everyone Actually ‘At Risk’ In Cancer-Porn Machines

Oh look, somebody sent us this “fact sheet” so you can Know Before You Go at the airport! Here are the people who should not get in the cancer tube naked-picture machines, according to science and the U.S. Airline Pilots Association: Read more on Everyone Actually ‘At Risk’ In Cancer-Porn Machines…
  looks like america

FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images

Cigarettes are going to cease to exist forever because the FDA has unveiled new, scarier anti-smoking warnings that will cover 50% of the front of cigarette packaging. But because these warning pictures were made by bureaucrats, they’re not actually that scary. Where’s the photo of a cigarette chopping a guy’s dick in half? C’mon, government. Anyway, as Wonkette operative “G B” notes, they did see fit to include a heart-attack Dick Cheney in this series, seen at left. So the message they’re trying to promote is you can have all the heart attacks you want and still live forever if you make a Faustian bargain to kill lots of Iraqi children for no reason at all? Read more on FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images…
  cry about it some more

Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying

OMG, you guys, Glenn Beck is dying! At least we think so, as he is very cryptic about it. He got all teary and such on his radio show today, and while that’s pretty much an every-second occurrence for him, this time he seemed resigned to the fact that he will die, or something, soon. No, sorry, we heard that wrong: “What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because Mormons don’t actually die, they just transform, like in those Animorphs books. But the word “mentally” in that gives us pause, because maybe it just means Glenn Beck is finally realizing he should trust his doctors when they say he’s insane. Holy Shutter Islandz! Read more on Dying Glenn Beck Dying, Has Crackpot Theory About Him Dying…
  someone needs a hug?

Weak and Girly Obama-Emanuel Hug Will Provoke Nuclear Holocaust

Hugs are gay and start wars. CNBC’s Larry Kudlow knows this all too well, from personal experience, and that is why he penned perhaps the greatest prose ever to grace Big Government, Andrew Breitbart’s ePoop depository. Just take a moment to admire Kudlow’s lede: “Am I the only one who saw weakness when President Obama and his departing chief of staff Rahm Emanuel gave each other big, fat, full-bore hug following their speeches at the resignation event in the White House’s East Room on Friday?” Of course not, Larry Kudlow! Don’t you read the newspapers? Barack Obama and Rahm Emanuel are both huge flamers, and that’s why your feeble-old-man masculinity was able to detect their Weakness. We also noticed that every world leader saw this embrace on teevee and then gleefully activated their nuclear bomb machines — because the entire world is now going to take turns killing America, since its weak leaders are too busy hugging to even care. Read more on Weak and Girly Obama-Emanuel Hug Will Provoke Nuclear Holocaust…
  the military industrial death suit complex

Raytheon Makes Silly Death Suit, Probably Using Your Tax Dollars

Here is the “infrastructure” or whatever that America so desperately needs: U.S. military tech firm Raytheon is living the dream — as long as that dream involves donning a mechanical suit, smashing through thick pine boards and pressing a hundred kilos just for fun. Meet the XOS 2. Read more on Raytheon Makes Silly Death Suit, Probably Using Your Tax Dollars…
  relax don't do it

Lindsey Graham Needs To Bomb Iran So Badly

Oh man, when John Bolton finds out about this he is going to jizz red, white & blue: Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said Monday that the United States must be prepared to use military force to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon — and added that the last-resort step should be taken with the goal of overthrowing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Read more on Lindsey Graham Needs To Bomb Iran So Badly…
  destroying america in order to save it

Secret Plan To End Immigration By Destroying America a Success!

Ever since the first filthy Irishman stumbled drunkenly down the gangplank of the HMS Filth-Deporter and was immediately hired as a New York City cop, taking that job away from a Real American, our nation has wondered how to deal with the tide of illegal immigrants flowing into this country. Making it illegal to come here, making it extra illegal, hating them, discriminating against them, beating them up, and building large wall-type structures along the border — nothing works! It’s almost as if things here are better for them than they were in whatever terrible country they come from. But now, at last, America’s decade-long attempt to keep out foreigners by making our country just as shitty as theirs has worked! Sure, you might not be able to get a manufacturing job, or indeed a job of any sort, but they can’t either! VICTORY! Read more on Secret Plan To End Immigration By Destroying America a Success!…
  enormous teevee egos

Crybaby Whineocerous Ed Schultz Wants His Own Glenn Beck Picnic

MSNBC’s very own narcissist-blowhard teevee personality Ed Schultz laughs and laughs at last weekend’s Glenn Beck Death March on Washington. Does he laugh because the rally was several hours of monotonous, meaningless drivel attended by the most wretched and diabetic demographic of America? Does he laugh because Glenn Beck organized an army of worshipers to rub one off all over them, or because Sarah Palin was wearing enormous hooker-wedges on her feet as she stood next to the podium and watched respectfully as Glenn blew himself (which your Wonkette saw with its own eyes and was horrifying)? Nope! Guess again! (Hint: It’s worse.) Read more on Crybaby Whineocerous Ed Schultz Wants His Own Glenn Beck Picnic…
  death in venice

Here Is Video of John McCain Walking Alone Through Desert Talking To Himself

This ad is called “vital” because John McCain’s vital signs are falling as he walks alone through the desert, in a demented haze, to his impending death from dehydration. It’s cute that he’s wearing that hat and those sleeves rolled up like his staffers taught him in 2008. Guess that’s the way he wants to go. Oh, that’s nice, he’s seeing a mirage: There are happy Arizonans here in the desert with him. And they want to hear what he has to say. That’s a nice thought, old man. Tell them about rebuilding our economy! Bet they want to hear that. So, umm, will they find his body before it’s devoured by coyotes/Vietcong? Read more on Here Is Video of John McCain Walking Alone Through Desert Talking To Himself…
  the name of the star is called wormwood

Russian Hell-Fires To Burn Radioactive Forest, Kill Everybody

The terrible death-smog that had blanketed Moscow and was killing hundreds of people a day has now lifted, hooray! Once again the Russian Orthodox God (“Rasputin”) has stopped the suffering of his people, if by “his people” you mean the people who live in Moscow, which is pretty much what the Russian government means by it. Sure, the fires that caused the smog are still raging in the countryside and everything, but who lives in the country? Nobody, that’s who. In fact, big chunks of rural western Russia are mostly uninhabited anyway, because they’re all still radioactive from the Chernobyl disaster, so those parts can just burn and it won’t hurt anybody, right? Read more on Russian Hell-Fires To Burn Radioactive Forest, Kill Everybody…
  uh yeah this seems bad actually

YOU GUYS JUST PASS THAT CAP AND TRADE BILL WHENEVER YOU GET AROUND TO IT: “Russia banned all exports of grain on Thursday after millions of acres of wheat withered in a severe drought, a portentous decision at a time when crop failures caused by heat and flooding span the northern hemisphere. Russia’s prime minister, Vladimir V. Putin, announced the ban, from Aug. 15 to Dec. 31, saying it was necessary to curb rising prices for food inside Russia, one of the world’s largest wheat exporters, which is suffering the hottest temperatures recorded since record-keeping began more than 130 years ago… The decision caused an immediate and sharp rise in the already high global price of wheat. It rose more than 8 percent in early trading on the Chicago Board of Trade on Thursday, after having increased about 90 percent since June.” [NYT] Read more on …
  it's morning in america

Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform

After 51 years in the Senate, Robert Byrd of West Virginia died this morning at the age of 92. Byrd was literally wheeled out to vote on Obama’s health-care reform bill and has been “in failing health” for about as long as anyone can remember. The Democrat is best known for being a Ku Klux Klansman, shoveling vast amounts of government money to impoverished West Virginia, and leaving behind a rich YouTube library of weird comments delivered in a folksy, impenetrable Appalachian drawl. Also, his Senate colleague Tom Coburn prayed for Byrd’s death, to prevent health care from passing. But God loves health care and hates Tom Coburn. Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform… Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform…
  cartoon violence

The Real Obama REVEALED

By the Comics CurmudgeonEven though he’s been the President of the United States, literally the most famous and recognizable person on earth, for the last year and a half, and he was on TV constantly for like two years before that, and he wrote two books and so on, we don’t really know who Barack Obama is, do we? I mean, who is this character? Does he mean what he says? Can we trust him, to keep our freedoms safe? These are not racist questions to ask! That’s because birds and sex-robots aren’t “races” per se. Read more on The Real Obama REVEALED…
  lol arizona

GOD PUNISHES PHOENIX WITH AMERICA’S DIRTIEST AIR: Mexican Jesus isn’t very happy with the capital of Arizona, is she? “In its annual air-quality report card, the American Lung Association put Phoenix at the top of its list of U.S. cities with the worst year-round dust pollution, as measured by levels of airborne particles that invade the lungs and bloodstream.” California’s cities still have the worst air overall, a result of America stealing California from Mexican California and also because of Prop. 187. And Prop. 8, too, probably. And Prop. 13, always goes back to Prop. 13. [WebMD/Arizona Republic] Read more on …
  ominous toasts

Drink Up, Or the Russians Will Kill You

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is giving Barack Obama the old “I have poisoned your champagne” look while ultra-crooked Czech president Vaclav Klaus is just counting money in his mind, piles and piles of Euros, shoveled into his Swiss vault by Slovak gypsy slaves. Anyway, now we have some kind of new nuclear treaty with Sarah Palin, maybe you’ve heard of it! Also, the president of Poland and 97 other Polish government officials and citizens were killed today when their plane crashed in Russia. [White House Flickr/New York Times] Read more on Drink Up, Or the Russians Will Kill You…