Tag: death

Hitchens On Hacks

Christopher Hitchens is dead. His essays were feisty and elegant, well within the great tradition of combative English pamphleteering. He was usually provocative, often dazzling in his historical and literary allusions, and rarely boring. He only became a bore,...

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a "web commercial" that...

Liberal-Obama Climate Change Now Killing All White House Trees

Time and again since Barack Obama took office, "severe weather" has been blamed for the destruction of many beautiful old trees all around the White House grounds. Why does this socialist Muslim president hate our nation's trees so much?...

Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran

Now in his sixth decade as the world's preeminent expert on U.S. foreign policy, retired Cuban president Fidel Castro writes in his newspaper column (in Cuba) that the Obama Administration is about to attack ... Iran. One more war...

Already Way Down In 37th Place, American Life Expectancy Is Much Worse In the South, Texas, Etc.

How's the "best health care system in the world" doing, these days? Uhh .... Large swaths of the United States are showing decreasing or stagnating life expectancy even as the nation’s overall longevity trend has continued upwards, according to a...

With 45 Million Americans On Food Stamps, GOP Will Cut Food Stamps

The number of Americans relying on federal help to get food has been climbing for years now, with 45 million people and 21 million households currently dependent on the program. It's not just the unemployed relying on the vouchers...

Obamas Host Friendly Egg Roll While Illegal Robot Wars Continue Abroad

President Obama hosted an impromptu Christian egg-thing on his lawn this morning, probably because he forgot to send out a "Happy Easter!" eCard and needed to cover his ass. Your Wonkette had the panache to attend this family event...

Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election

Enemy of the Koch "JoAnne Kloppenburg" was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election, after some weird lady "found" 14,000 votes on her personal computer. But now this hippie sore loser has...

Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete

Conditions at the Fukushima Daiichi plant are worsening by the day, and the general consensus seems to be that the plant's damaged nuclear reactors are beyond repair. Remember when Japan was dumping helicopter-loads of water on the plant, to...

Scott Walker Ignores Court Orders, War Against Normal People Continues

People who aren't billionaires experienced a rare "hopeful" sensation (haha, remember that word, "Hope"? Before it was removed from the Oxford English Dictionary and replaced with "OMG"?) last week, after an activist judge legislating from the bench ruled that...

Bradley Manning Charged With ‘Aiding the Enemy,’ Other Dumb Things

Private First Class Bradley Manning faces twenty-two "new" charges, including "aiding the enemy" and probably "complaining too much about being tortured, what a weenie." (Army people refused to identify the "enemy" Manning is allegedly aiding. Surprise!) Brad Manning is...

Hot Dead-People Trend: ‘In Lieu of Flowers, Defeat Barack Obama’

Because old people are disproportionately Republican and old, a high percentage of those currently planning on voting that black man out of office will be dead before they get the chance. But they are not powerless! They can make...

Oprah, WalMart & USDA Want ‘Healthier’ Processed Anusburgers

The U.S. Department of Agriculture promotes the sale of as much U.S. agricultural products as possible, which means soaked in poison and processed out of recognition, but the USDA is also supposedly the national arbiter of nutritional information. This...

Dick Cheney Says We Should Look Into Gun Control (Is He Dying?)

DICK CHENEY HAS GONE SOFT. All you need to do is look at this screengrab from the Today show. Yes, that's him discussing Angry Birds, a smartphone game commonly played by people who don't have millions of brown people...

Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser

Break out your advent calendar and enjoy a delicious chocolate-covered Alaska Supreme Court ruling which states there "are no remaining issues raised by Miller that prevent this election from being certified." Yay! Blow it out yer butt, Joe Miller,...

Everyone Actually ‘At Risk’ In Cancer-Porn Machines

Oh look, somebody sent us this "fact sheet" so you can Know Before You Go at the airport! Here are the people who should not get in the cancer tube naked-picture machines, according to science and the U.S. Airline...