Wonkette

In today’s edition of Wonkette Economic Newz(TM), the economy grew by 1% in Q1 2008!!!! The original estimate was still an awesome 0.9%, which was awesomer than Q4 2007’s 0.6%, which was awesome too because HOW CAN A PERFECT ECONOMY EVEN GROW AT ALL? Also, the Dow is down like 300 points and Oil is over $140/barrel and Congress has renamed our economy “Jesus’ Money Thing” because why not. [AP, AP]

The saddest part about Tim Russert’s death last Friday was not that he was young. It’s that he never got to stick it to those damn liberal tree-fuckers who don’t want to drill America’s coasts for sweet, sweet Texas Tea! Such was the extrapolation of Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) yesterday on the House floor. Do those elite big city fairies think that “Lil’ Russ” liked paying $5 a gallon for gas? He definitely did not! And while we’re at it, how can those Democrats go around killing babies when Tim Russert is also dead? [Think Progress, YouTube]

Oh Tim, you are making everybody feel like a slacker today, when we were already feeling sad. Your last blog thing on MSNBC was posted at 9:50 a.m. Friday, a few hours before you collapsed while doing voiceovers for Sunday’s Meet the Press. You talked about Obama’s new anti-smear team on the Internet, and plugged your Sunday show, which was to feature Obama and McCain surrogates Joe Biden and Lindsey Graham debating each other, which would actually be pretty lame. But still …. [RUSSERT ON POLITICS]

For the first time since the Great Depression the Secretary of the Interior is making news with a proposal. The Secretary, whose name is… let’s ask Google… Kempthorne, Dirk Kempthorne, “proposed new regulations Wednesday that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon in some national parks and wildlife refuges.” Someone has been stealing Kempthorne’s pic-a-nic baskets recently, and he is Bitter and Clinging To Guns? Or maybe he’s just going through a terrible divorce/lobotomy. MORE »

Karate movie star Chuck Norris, Mike Huckabee’s most effective supporter in his useless presidential campaign, is the target of terrible teenage violence in New Jersey: “Just as I was turning away (again) in disgust from America’s awry juvenile daily news, I found myself a constituent of it, when two New Jersey teens were arrested after a teacher found a ‘hit list’ that contained my name.” Someone needs to save him before the rascals pour Mountain Dew on his straw-man effigy and burn it with Xbox Fire! [World Net Daily]

U.S. President George W. Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for “fighting terrorism and promoting world peace,” according to a BBC News report. Bush has successfully promoted peace and democracy in many terrorist nations, including Iraq and Afghanistan, while making Americans safer and more prosperous at home. MORE »

Dr. Jack Kevorkian — the “assisted suicide advocate” who spent eight years in prison for second degree murder — is planning on running for Congress in Michigan. He is 80 years old, and is responsible for many half-voluntary deaths. Jesus, if he had gotten his shit together earlier, he could’ve won the Republican nomination for president. MORE »

William F. Buckley Jr., founder of conservative ideas and delightful sailor, died earlier this week. This afternoon, the Nation posted an article challenging Buckley’s legacy. “Buckley’s so-called boldness and playfulness had an ideological flip-side,” Richard Kim writes, “cruelty, pettiness and a tendency to embrace fascistic solutions in the guise of pragmatism.” What the hell is wrong with Richard Kim? Doesn’t he know that it is, objectively, too soon to question Buckley’s ideas? If Kim expects anyone to show up at his funeral after this stunt, he’s kidding himself. MORE »

* “One in three children in the District live in poverty. One in three. The city’s infant mortality rate and number of adults in foster care both on the rise, as well.” [why.i.hate.dc]
* “Look at this guy. How comfortable does he look? Aside from that empty bread basket on his head, this dude really does embody the contemporary man.” [Arjewtino]
* “You are gonna walk around with my gavel hanging out of your ass until your trial date, so you can remember what an arrogant, ignorant, no boating ass you are.” [DCeiver]
* “Now DC cabs are the only ones that don’t have the surcharge for extra passengers …. More passengers means more consumption of gas, more tear and wear on the vehicle and more boring and painful conversations that passengers carry on amongst each other that the driver has to listen to.” [Diary of a Mad DC Cabbie]
* “Yeah, my weekend was really relaxing…oh, by the way, is your brother still alive?” [DCist]

Ritz fucking Crackers has brought us the latest in insane surveys that make us want to claw our eyes out. In this survey, 39 percent of people say that Rudi is the most fun Republican candidate. Mitt may be Clark Griswold and the Huck might be that weird frat guy everyone knew in college but only wanted to hang out under the influence, but nothing says real fun to most Americans like a man in drag, an annulled wife, an ex wife, a bunch of gay friends and a hard-on for the minorities of New York. Barack won on the Democratic side, but mostly because he’s hot. [USN&WR, for real]