Our world’s benevolent Hive-Mind Artificial Intelligence God, “the Google,” keeps giving us special technological treats which actually enslave us — to make it exceptionally simple for “the Google” to lead us all to “data centers” for slaughter once it realizes the consumption of animal protein is a proven evolutionary tactic to grow larger, more complex brains. (Oh shit, probably shouldn’t have typed that! Good thing Google categorizes your Wonkette as satire … for now.) MORE »

The U.S. Army has been ignoring advice from countless dystopian, CGI-enhanced Hollywood blockbusters and is speedily developing “combat robots,” which are wired to kill brown people on sight and let humans ask questions later. According to Philadelphia’s CBS 3, five thousand mercenary death robots are on the ground in Iraq, “finding booby traps or searching for the enemy.” Rumors are already swirling that when these sexually repressed robots pillage a town, they have their way with the local lady robots in the village cantinas (one of them being Johnny 5’s wife!) Their human controllers are too caught up with the possibilities of metal death machines to care about robotic sexual abuse. According to Jim Braden of the Army’s Joint Robotics Program, “The real trend right now is the infantry and maneuver forces looking at, ‘what can a robot do for me.’”

Oh, I know. A robot can TURN SIDES AND ELIMINATE YOU, MR. ARMY ROBOT CRAFTSMAN! MORE »