The Marines at Quantico are fighting a savage war against terrorist garage-door openers in Prince William County, the Post reports today. By blasting the area around the base with powerful signals, the Marines have successfully kept old people homebound — with the garage doors unable to open, it’s only a matter of time before the elderly all starve to death. MORE »

Wednesday Morning Quiz: Which of the following stories is less likely to come to fruition:
If you said lasers, you’re right. It’s a trick question: McCain already sold his soul! MORE »