Tag Archives: death panels

  Triumph Of The Living Will

Jeb Bush Gonna Death-Panel Americans To Death, With Death Panels!

OK, it's a little heavyhanded. Except maybe compared to passing a law to keep someone on life support forever.
Probable presidential candidate John Ellis Bush (“Jeb”) Bush, fresh off his recent interview bragging about how he saved Terri Schiavo’s life real good 13 years ago, has given some thought to how future governors can be saved from the anguish that he had to suffer in that case, and he thinks maybe the answer is that patients on Medicare should be required to make a plan for the kind of end-of-life care they want. You know, death panels. Read more on Jeb Bush Gonna Death-Panel Americans To Death, With Death Panels!…
  Sunday Bloody New York Times Sunday

At The New York Times, A Slow News Day

Fred Stein, 'Children reading newspaper' 1936
Things have quieted down in Ferguson and we have a holiday weekend, so the New York Times is full of analysis-type stuff today. There’s a pretty good piece on Democrats’ attempts to mobilize African-American voters who are outraged over Michael Brown’s shooting (and another story about that effort in Ferguson, specifically). There’s also longish story about the Chinese Communist Party’s attempt to prevent Hong Kong from doing free-n-fair elections, which is both well-reported and interesting, but which we bet you won’t read because it is not sexxay, you laggards. Go on, we dare you! You probably can’t handle it! The big breaking news of the morning, we guess, is the St. Louis Rams’ cutting Michael Sam, and if you read the New York Times for sports news, that’s in there too. Read more on At The New York Times, A Slow News Day…
  something wicked this way comes

A Children’s Treasury Of Stupid Pictures From The Koch Brothers’ Anti-Obamacare Carnival

cornholder
Last time we checked in with the Koch brothers’ frathouse spinoff Generation Opportunity, they were attempting to convince DC’s underemployed youth to shun Obamacare by drowning them in rail drinks and cheap sunglasses. Now that it’s summertime, like everyone else they want to be outside having fun instead of in some dank basement bar, so what better waste of their seemingly bottomless budget than holding a parody of a carnival on the National Mall? Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Stupid Pictures From The Koch Brothers’ Anti-Obamacare Carnival…
  football spiked!

Barack Obama Thinks Obamacare Is So Cool Just Because Millions Of People Have Insurance Now Who Didn’t Before

Well that sounded a lot more like the Barack Obama we know and like. Barry gave the numbers — 7.1 million enrollees — and said that even though his failed healthcare policy had totally failed, he wasn’t going to let anyone repeal it, because he’s just a bastard that way. “But the debate over repealing this law is over. The Affordable Care Act is here to stay.” He denied, yet again, the existence of death panels, and claimed that “Armageddon has not arrived,” despite the documented presence of a pale rider on a skeletal horse right next to the podium. Oh, yes, and then he also talked about several of the many people who have already benefited from the ACA and said that if anyone seriously plans to repeal or replace the ACA, they’d better have a pretty good explanation for why these folks — and several million others — should no longer have the coverage and security that they have been able to purchase. There is that. Read more on Barack Obama Thinks Obamacare Is So Cool Just Because Millions Of People Have Insurance Now Who Didn’t Before…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  Also too also ad infinitum also

Sarah Palin Has Answer To Syria: ‘Bomb Obamacare’

Wow, are you losers still caring about that Syria thing? That is so dumb. Syria is this whole other country, and you can’t even see it from your house! Besides, Allah will sort it out. Foreign policy expert Sarah Palin already told you that weeks ago! So now that’s all resolved, let’s please get back to focusing on what really matters: death panels. Wait, what? Wasn’t that whole panels thing debunked eleventy quadrillionteen times? Yes, but now there is new, indisputable evidence that Sarah Palin was right about death panels all along. What is this new evidence? Why, it is a video of people saying “death panels.” Case closed also! Read more on Sarah Palin Has Answer To Syria: ‘Bomb Obamacare’…
  slavery is freedom

Ted Cruz’s Dad Seems Nice

Hey, remember Ted Cruz’s Jerk Baby? She was fun! We dug her! Well, move over, Jerk Baby, you are now officially the Chillest Member of Ted Cruz’s Family Of Funtimes Friends. Here is Ted Cruz’s dad, via the Des Moines Register, blah blah blahing about Fidel Castro and stuff, and how Barack Obama is Castro times Stalin plus Dorothy Day probably. But then he gets unboring and starts a-whoopin’ and a-frothin’ like he is Rick Santorum’s dad instead of the Canadian Anchor Babby’s! Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dad Seems Nice…
  keep fucking that chicken

In Ploy To Weaken Obamacare, GOP Geniuses Give Obama More Power Over Obamacare

Back in November, the United States held an election that you might have heard about. And in that election one B. Barry Bamz trounced the ever loving shit out of some dude, what was his name, the guy with the hair? Unfortunately, the hair guy’s party held on to the House of Representatives and its caucus of addlepated numbfuck children who couldn’t find their own dicks with both hands and a map. Great, we thought, four more years of shrieking about PIGFORD! and BENGHAZI! and most importantly, OBAMACARE! But there was hope for a brief moment when the nominal head of this merry band of dimwits, Tea Party blow-up fuck doll John Boehner, told Diane Sawyer days after the election that Obamacare was now the law of the land, and though he still claimed he hated it and would do what he could to change parts of it, the people had spoken. Was it possible, we wondered, that at the very least the House would stop with the fruitless repeal votes and talk about something else? Ha ha, no: Read more on In Ploy To Weaken Obamacare, GOP Geniuses Give Obama More Power Over Obamacare…
  we got your rascal hanging

Ready The FEMA Camps: Obama Coming For Your Rascal So You Can’t Run Or Hide

They tried to warn us. “Government out of my Medicare!” they said. “Something about socialized medicine and Dr. Mengele,” said they. But did we listen? Or did we just howl with laughter? WELL NO ONE’S LAUGHING NOW, BUDDY. And that is because Barack Hussein Nobumer has criminalized being old, in the form of raiding The Scooter Store for massive amounts of Medicare fraud, and now he is going to death panel all of you, right quick! Why do we never listen to Sarah Palin’s gentle murmurs? WHYYYYYY???? Read more on Ready The FEMA Camps: Obama Coming For Your Rascal So You Can’t Run Or Hide…
  destroy twitter in order to save it

Nice Ann Romney Dragged Before Obamacare Death Panel, On Twitter

Man, you leave Twitter for an hour, and when you come back an entire 5-season telenovela has already played out. Now? Someone has taken that nice Ann Romney and shoved her before an Obamacare Death Panel! (If you are ever before an Obamacare Death Panel, you better pray to your uncaring God that check-kiting grifter and evil moon-muffin Newt Gingrich isn’t chairing it.) Huh? We said, because that is craaaazy. Well, it seems Democratic personage Hilary Rosen went on Anderson Cooper and bitched a little that Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life — which is true — but then tried to back it up by blaming Mittens for saying that Ann campaigns a lot without him and always reports back that women are worried about the economy. Rosen tried to spin this, completely disingenuously, as Mittens claiming Ann is an expert on women and the economy. No, he said she reports back that that’s what women are talking about. Shut up Hilary Rosen. And shut up Romney campaign manager Eric Fehrnstrom. Nobody believes you no matter how many times you repeat your “Mostly False” bullshit about 92 percent of jobs lost under Obama being women’s. That is an unpossible number. Like, that is higher than Obama’s share of the black vote, almost, maybe! And while we’re at it, shut up newest Breitbart on the block “Washington Free Beacon,” which yesterday had a story about an Obama campaign staffer being a misogynist because she follows Mike Tyson, Chris Brown, Alec Baldwin, and “notorious womanizer” and Republican former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, on Twitter. Read more on Nice Ann Romney Dragged Before Obamacare Death Panel, On Twitter…
  coney island baby

Death Panel Roller Coaster

Here’s something, to kill you with, after the Retirement Age is changed to “when you cannot stand up anymore, and your hands are gnarled wads of bone and skin flaps,” and Paul Ryan needs some way to lure you to the Death Panel: Free roller coaster! And it ends in death. Read more on Death Panel Roller Coaster…
  rumors on the internets

America’s Manure Crisis Finally Hits Home

After losing the meeting with his appointed death panel (cancer), a brave Houston man speaks out from beyond the grave to stop Barry Hussein. [KRIV] Sen. Ron Johnson says that Obamacare is the greatest assault on freedom in his lifetime, which is true because McCarthyism and Jim Crow were just for laughs. [WSJ] Read more on America’s Manure Crisis Finally Hits Home…
  you can't never forget hard enough

National Zoo Death Panel Murders Brave Bald Eagle

HMM, SYMBOLISM: “Sam, an elderly female bald eagle who had lived at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo since 2003, was euthanized by officials on Dec. 31, authorities said.” First the Smithsonian lets ants just walk all over a crucifix like they own it, and then their death panel decides to kill granny bald eagle, America’s greatest symbol. What’s worse, this socialist D.C.-insider organization put this patriot bird under big-government slavery after simply trying to enjoy the Second Amendment: “Sam… lived in Alaska until 1986, when she was found suffering from a gunshot wound.” Surely she wanted to die living in freedom and not by the hands of some government-funded bureaucrats. Surely Sarah Palin must RT this. Read more on National Zoo Death Panel Murders Brave Bald Eagle…
  sarah palin must be spinning in her grave

Sarah Palin Is the Only Real Death Panel

Way back in the summer of 2009, your Sarah Palin was busy scaring the shit out of The Stupids (i.e., her base) by claiming that the gubmint wanted to vampire-stake Nana in her hospice bed, for fun. Thanks to a new Medicare regulation effective January 1, we will soon relive the halcyon days of snowbilly grifter reality teevee stars attempting to fearmonger your terminally-ill father’s DNR out of existence, because Nobama gave a secret Christmas present to America’s olds: The Death Panels are back! Read more on Sarah Palin Is the Only Real Death Panel…
  old people gettin' busy

Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs

Some old people in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette went bonkers on each other because of political candidate signs on somebody’s lawn. While the brutal old-on-old violence occurred back on October 4, it is just now reaching the news media because, honestly, elderly people seem to always be going on about something and who has the time to try to decipher their grunts and mumbles? What we know is this: Three humans aged 60, 85 and 92 were involved in a savage sidewalk altercation because one of them didn’t like some campaign yard sign that may or may not have been located on the lawn of the other(s). The 85-year-old man, during the course of his alleged attack on the 92-year-old and his 60-year-old daughter, tumbled over his walker. While it should be ILLEGAL IN THE CONSTITUTION to even blog about this (let alone laugh at it), we shall soldier on because this is, after all, a Lib Hate Site. Read more on Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs…
  it's morning in america

Activist Federal Judge: ObamaKKKare Death Panels Are Constitutional

In perhaps the most important decision since Roe v. Wade or maybe even Thomas Jefferson v. Illegitimate Slave Children, a federal judge upheld Barack Obama’s sinister “health insurance for everyone” death pyramid scheme. Legal scholars around the world are puzzled as to why the judge ruled in favor of Communism and against the patriot-plaintiffs, a “Christian legal group and four people” (who are not Christians?). But oh well, Barack Obama’s evil law forcing every American to have health insurance by 2014 (and fining people for skipping coverage) is legal! There is a case just like this one currently being argued in basically every single state, so the hope is that maybe a judge with half a brain will rule in favor of impeaching Obama. [AP] Read more on Activist Federal Judge: ObamaKKKare Death Panels Are Constitutional… Read more on Activist Federal Judge: ObamaKKKare Death Panels Are Constitutional…
  wonkette world o' books

Lazy Suburban Death Panels of the Future

Looking for visions of a hellish future where every American has health insurance, gasoline costs ten dollars a gallon, and nature has largely reclaimed the exurbs from the strip malls and McMansions? If so, Universal Coverage by Daniel Putkowski is calling to you! A dystopian novel “in the tradition of 1984 and Animal Farm” (says elitist literary critic Newt Gingrich), Universal Coverage reveals the horrors of socialized medicine through the tale of one man’s quest to find a Boat-Hospital of Freedom to treat his unwell son. Fawning blurbs from Newt, Steve Forbes, and the president of NYU’s College Republicans are plastered on this book like gaudy lipstick on a common street pig, so it has to be good. Read more on Lazy Suburban Death Panels of the Future…
  our new media economy

Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’

Cable channel Fox News needs content for its website, but of course Fox News stories consist of some video clips from a space movie, a weird chart with random numbers, and a couple of words like “socialist.” Tough to turn that into a few paragraphs on a web page. And that’s why America’s sad old unemployed people have been asked to make crappy photoshops for Mr. Murdoch’s web concern. Read more on Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’…
  walnuts!

John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money

A pathetic, amoral piece of garbage who is utterly terrified of losing his fat-cat Senate privileges, that’s John McCain: “I believe we must repeal this bill immediately. I am currently working in every way possible on your behalf to accomplish this. However, I am facing a tough reelection campaign. If I am not reelected this year, I cannot fight for our shared values in the Senate. That’s why your immediate donation of any amount is so critical. Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill.” Read more on John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money…
  sports desk

Some Pro Sports Performer Wants To Be Ted Kennedy

The race to fill Ted Kennedy’s ample seat in the Senate is heating up like a corpse in the summer tide! (Sorry, Denby.) Curt Schilling, world champion quarterback for Boston’s “Mighty Ducks,” loves George W. Bush and jacking off in bloodstained sock, so he is qualified to be the Republican candidate. Schilling, heir to his family’s spice fortune, joins a crowded Republican field that includes former Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey and pretty much nobody else. Read more on Some Pro Sports Performer Wants To Be Ted Kennedy…
  when logic attacks vol. 1

The Chilling Story Of A Health Care Town Hall That, For Like Thirty Seconds, Featured Fact-Based Dissent

There is a formula for instant success in our nation’s great health care town halls: So you, the congressperson, mention some constituent whose medical condition would definitely take a turn for the worse in the event of the mere existence of the public option. What follows is death—irrecoverable death by death panel. Maybe even you have a photo of said constituent, hey that’s great! That is… it. Tragically, things went terribly awry the other day in Texas, as Republican Congressman Pete Olson’s town hall turned violently factual. Read more on The Chilling Story Of A Health Care Town Hall That, For Like Thirty Seconds, Featured Fact-Based Dissent…