Tag Archives: death

  Always knew these guys caused cancer

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Your Week In New Age Quack-Quack Woo

Your cancer is in another castle!
Greetings, pals! I see you’ve returned for another edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly round-up of the worst — just the absolute worst — in poppycock to promulgate throughout this vast interweb of ours. Let’s waste no time by diving headlong into the world of cancer quackery. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Your Week In New Age Quack-Quack Woo…
  thanksgiving at the corner

Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Suddenly that gas price no longer indicates how old this photo is!
Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  thanksgiving at the corner

K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  fatal attraction

Hero Maryland Pastor: Vote Against Gay Marriage Or You Should Die

So there’s this Maryland referendum coming up for a vote on November 6, see, and it’s about letting gay people marry each other. You know, so they can get those sweet tax deductions, and visit each other in the hospital, and share health insurance, and commit publicly to the one they love — all that cool stuff the straights get, for being straight. The ballot measure is 96 words long. The first 25 are about how Maryland is gonna let people marry whomever they want, because Freedom, and the last 71 words are about how churches don’t have to change anything or marry any icky gays or even talk to them, also because Freedom. Churches, however, are not happy about this anyway, and groups like the Maryland Marriage Alliance are all like “gross, ew, ew, lesbians, ew, Jesus would have haaaated you guys.” And they have a friend! His name is Derek McCoy, and he is a pastor, and he thinks gay people (and their friends!) should… well… die. Read more on Hero Maryland Pastor: Vote Against Gay Marriage Or You Should Die…
  chicken blows i suppose

Mike Huckabee Orders You To Stop Criticizing This Anti-Gay Fast Food Chicken Company

The Chick-fil-A company, which produces these salty waffle fries and breaded/fried chickenish sandwiches with two pickles apiece that serve as delicious on-the-go college meals but otherwise just give you hella diabetes, is notoriously owned by a prominent family in the religious social conservative set. Its president last week admitted the company was “guilty as charged” when it comes to supporting marriage as one man, one woman exclusively: “We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives.” Now all of these libtards, from the mayor of Boston to actor Ed Helms to “The Muppets,” have withdrawn their support from Chick-fil-A and intend to participate in boycotts. How glib! This infuriates former/current fat person Mike Huckabee so deeply that he is now calling for the creation of Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, on Facebook. Read more on Mike Huckabee Orders You To Stop Criticizing This Anti-Gay Fast Food Chicken Company…
  wheezing to glory

Big ‘La Boheme’ Fan Rick Scott Closes TB Hospital During TB Outbreak

Tuberculosis used to be cool, man, back when it was called “consumption” and badasses like Doc Holliday died from it. Everything used to cooler back in the day when people just dropped dead in the street from disease and whatnot, right? Well, if that’s the kind of thrill you’re after, set your GPS for Jacksonville and go hang out with some homeless people, because the worst TB outbreak in 20 years is going strong there, just in time for the state’s only TB hospital to shut down! But why is Rick Scott keeping this outbreak a secret? Does he want Florida’s lucrative disease-tourism industry to flounder? Read more on Big ‘La Boheme’ Fan Rick Scott Closes TB Hospital During TB Outbreak…
  it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November. Read more on Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera…
  moral conundra

The Obama Administration Assures You That Its Drone-Kill List Is In Good Hands

Good morning, liberals! Did you spend yesterday carefully poring over the extremely long The New York Times article about the list of people the administration carefully compiles, personally selected by the President (except in those cases when they’re not!) to be killed by missiles from flying death robots? Probably you didn’t, because it’s obviously one of the most depressing things you could possibly read, being as it is about your Hopey solemnly deciding who should live and who should die. But you really should, to face the world as it is and do your duty as a citizen. The reality, of course, is that being the President is a job that, structurally, comes with the duty of making up a list of who you want dead, which is why every president ends his four or eight years in power looking about 20 years older than when he started. But even if you have accepted in your heart that, yes, explosive-tipped missiles are an acceptable means of forwarding foreign policy, maybe there are some things in this article will make you mad! Or drink yourself into a stupor, either one. Read more on The Obama Administration Assures You That Its Drone-Kill List Is In Good Hands…
  r.i.p.

Adam Yauch Remembrances: Wolf Blitzer Edition

Beastie Boys’ “Fight for your Right” is blasting from @wolfblitzercnn‘s office right now! #MCA — Eric Weisbrod (@EricWeisbrod) May 4, 2012 Everyone is so sad about the death of the Beastie Boys’ Adam “MCA” Yauch from cancer today, just everyone. Wolf Blitzer is playing that song. Wolf Blitzer is playing the Beastie Boys, in his office. Usually someone dies in his or her 40s and most people say “that’s sad,” but some people say, “meh, that person did things I didn’t like or had politics that were different from mine, so good.” That’s always so grating. But everyone is miserable about this death. It’s comforting. Read more on Adam Yauch Remembrances: Wolf Blitzer Edition…
  stings

Feds Seize Thousands Of Ugly Electrocuting Hair Dryers From Hell

See those ugly ass swirly neon hair dryers/butt fluffers? Well they just got busted, like suckers, at the illegal ports of Miami and Los Angeles. Thousands of them. 13,000+! Apparently if you use these things to dry your hair or fluff your butt you get electrocuted and then explode, maybe. Isn’t that the whole fun point of it, though? There are layers and layers to this thing (not really). Read more on Feds Seize Thousands Of Ugly Electrocuting Hair Dryers From Hell…
  high on it before he was against it

Gingrich Formerly a Fan of Executing People for Drug Possession

Newt Gingrich claims to think big thoughts that no one else thinks, when really all he’s done in his career is speak or rather be Speakery or historiany, which does not require thought. Case in point: back when his hair was big enough to better shield his ears from hearing the inanity/insanity of what he was saying, Gingrich actually supported a bill that would imprison, and in certain cases put to death, anyone who brought more than two ounces of a controlled substance into the country. The Drug Importer Death Penalty Act of 1996 was only ever introduced, but it’s an interesting choice of pet project for someone who used to smoke pot … because it was, as he put it, “a sign that we were alive and in graduate school” (PICTURED). Read more on Gingrich Formerly a Fan of Executing People for Drug Possession…
  nothing to worry about!

TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers

How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in history. Read more on TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers…
  r.i.p.

Hitchens On Hacks

Christopher Hitchens is dead. His essays were feisty and elegant, well within the great tradition of combative English pamphleteering. He was usually provocative, often dazzling in his historical and literary allusions, and rarely boring. He only became a bore, really, in his final decade. His ironic and playful mind became (at times) monomaniacal, first about the war against the Islamo Iron Guard or whatever the term was in 2003, and then about vicious dictator “God.” Your book-reviewer met him once, and the man couldn’t have been more of a gent. Read more on Hitchens On Hacks…
  avoid the noid

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a cigarette while making masturbation faces. Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer? Perhaps. But in the America of 2011, the self-proclaimed political leaders like Cain (who has never even held political office) are as confused by their motives as those compelled to watch these audio-visual abortions on the nation’s billions of computer screens. In other words, Herman Cain was asked if his idiotic web video was meant to promote death from smoking, and Herman Cain said no, of course not, because smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do.” Read more on Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’…
  arbour day funeral

Liberal-Obama Climate Change Now Killing All White House Trees

Time and again since Barack Obama took office, “severe weather” has been blamed for the destruction of many beautiful old trees all around the White House grounds. Why does this socialist Muslim president hate our nation’s trees so much? As an example of why magazines should not have websites full of cutesy bullshit blog posts, Atlantic Monthly has this web thing jokingly blaming Barack Obama for knocking down a bunch of old elms and such, on the White House grounds, because of all the constant insane weather that has gotten much worse, nationwide and worldwide, since Obama took office back in January of 2009. Read more on Liberal-Obama Climate Change Now Killing All White House Trees…
  america's oldest pundits

Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran

Now in his sixth decade as the world’s preeminent expert on U.S. foreign policy, retired Cuban president Fidel Castro writes in his newspaper column (in Cuba) that the Obama Administration is about to attack … Iran. One more war against one more Muslim country can’t make things worse, right? Right? Oh, Iran maybe has nuclear weapons of some sort? Well, whatever, so does Pakistan, and we don’t have any problem blasting apart suburban houses there, because of terrorism. Read more on Longtime U.S. Policy Expert Fidel Castro Says U.S. About To Attack Iran…