Tag Archives: deadspin

  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
Sports! Oh man, sports, aren’t they great? Shut up, they are too. Here now is your 2014 Wonkette Sportsball Year In Review, because why not? Off-field Hits Plague NFL Sorry to break this to you, Wonketeers, but the NFL remains the most popular form of sportsball in America. It seems we cannot get enough of the big men slamming into each other, and with all of the downtime between plays, who can blame us? This year, however, public perception of the NFL took a serious turn for the worse. The AP named the NFL’s domestic abuse scandals the sports story of the year, and the league’s ham-fisted response to the scandals will be studied by dead-eyed PR majors for generations to come. Read more on Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dredge Of Drips, Dreck, And Drudge

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we bring you stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but that were too stupid to ignore altogether. As always, you may want to fortify yourself with whatever you believe necessary to get through the experience — we suggest a couple of pan-galactic gargleblasters. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dredge Of Drips, Dreck, And Drudge…
  burn it down

Investigation Into Whether Racist Sexist Miami Dolphins Are The Worst Finds That Why Yes, They Are

Somehow, it’s hard to focus on sportsball’s magnificent athleticism when it seems like there are always stories about athletes doing murder — ALLEGEDLY — and raping women across America — ALLEGEDLY — and domestic violencing the ladies and all manner of breakin’ the law. All of that somehow gets a pass because SPORTSBALL, while Richard Sherman is called a thug for using his words to be all, like, “I am THE BEST at kicking ass and taking names,” which is not illegal or racist or sexist, but just, like, typical run-of-the-mill sportsball bragging, which, as I understand is, it kind of part of the whole culture. Read more on Investigation Into Whether Racist Sexist Miami Dolphins Are The Worst Finds That Why Yes, They Are…
  Our National Priorities At This Time

New Victims Of Newtown Identified: NFL Fans Whose Games Were Pre-Empted By Villain President

[Updated at 6:50 PM] At a prayer vigil for the victims of the massacre in Newtown, Connecticut, President Barack Obama, citing Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians, urged a grieving nation, “Do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly, we are being renewed day by day. “For light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Unfortunately, for some idiot NFL fans, what was unseen was a bunch of large men trying to give each other head injuries, and what was seen was a black man interrupting their sacred blood sport. Happily, they had the chance to share these thoughts on Twitter, and some 41 of their heartfelt cries of butthurt were collected by the sportsgawking blog Deadspin. Read more on New Victims Of Newtown Identified: NFL Fans Whose Games Were Pre-Empted By Villain President…
  remember when he bankrupted america?

George W. Bush Probably Responsible For Texas Rangers’ Bankruptcy, Too

Famous Texas baseball team the Texas Rangers just filed for bankruptcy. This dumb sports franchise in Texas owes “between $100 and $500 million” to its creditors. What does this mean, and how is it George W. Bush’s fault? Bush Junior “bought” the Rangers in 1989 by ponying up only $600,000 while his daddy’s oil buddies cronyed up the real money — and when the team was sold a decade later, Dubya walked away with $15 million. Read more on George W. Bush Probably Responsible For Texas Rangers’ Bankruptcy, Too…
  i am aware of all internet traditions

Internet Wisdom For Your Holiday Weekend

Our pretend buddy and former colleague Will Leitch left the sports blog Deadspin last week. As he invented that popular website and has a reputation for being an agreeable human being — rare for the Internet — we were interested in his parting words. Here are some of them. Read more on Internet Wisdom For Your Holiday Weekend…
 

Barack Obama Almost Gets UNC Basketball Team In Trouble

How adorable it was to see Barack Obama play basketball with the University of North Carolina men’s basketball team this week. But was it maybe, HMMM, an NCAA violation? Barry is so selfish. Next thing you know he’ll be teaching college students how to murder people more effectively: Read more on Barack Obama Almost Gets UNC Basketball Team In Trouble…
 

Barack Obama Is President Of Basketball

Barack Obama is trying to prove that he is a heterosexual male again, by playing sports. All we’re seeing is some hapless middle-aged guy playing children’s games when he should be talking about health care or jobs or whatever the hell else we don’t have in this country. Your sporting youth is over, has-been! You’re no Karl Malone or John Stockton or their biracial man-child! But Obama will never get over his high school glory days, and that is why he played basketball with the University of North Carolina’s failure of a college basketball team today. More photos of this pathetic mid-life crisis below. Read more on Barack Obama Is President Of Basketball…
 

Some Republican Finally Makes Tiger Woods-Barack Obama Connection

At a pro-war rally Tuesday in DC held by the “Vets for Freedom” and featuring a glorious speech from John McCain, the most obvious pop culture connection to the current presidential race was finally made. By a racist, most likely. At least he is a tool, this David Bellavia who introduced John McCain, and here is what he said about the biracial liberal Democrats: “You can have your Tiger Woods. We have Senator McCain.” He means to say that we are supposed to prefer Senator McCain over Tiger Woods in some election, right? But who doesn’t love Tiger Woods more than this old coot? Anyway, video is after the jump. Read more on Some Republican Finally Makes Tiger Woods-Barack Obama Connection…
 

Treehugger Hillary Calls For Fake Olympics Ceremony Boycott

Hillary Clinton is TOO liberal. Today her campaign released a statement — the first among a Major American Leader — saying President Bush should boycott the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics this summer because of China’s horrible human rights record (the cause of much protesty to-do these days). She is the biggest world leader to say this since German chancellor Angela Merkel. Unlike Merkel, however, Hillary Clinton is a loser and will never run a country. You can read Hillary’s hippie latte-drinking statement about “human rights” after the jump! Read more on Treehugger Hillary Calls For Fake Olympics Ceremony Boycott…
 

George Allen’s NCAA Tournament Bracket Is Somehow Funny

Former Virginia Sen. George “Macaca” Allen filled out an NCAA Tournament bracket, and it is pretty, and he will share it with the world! Allen, however, is incapable of performing even the simplest tasks without being comical. He predicts #5 seed Notre Dame will beat #12 George Mason, but that is way too politically risky for his already destroyed political career in Virginia. So he scribbles in the margin, “tho for George Mason,” so you know where his heart is. And for #7 Gonzaga versus #10 Davidson, he predicts Davidson, against all mathematical odds! To highlight this brilliant prophecy, he writes “upset pick” in the margin. It seems he’s using all this free time to finally pass the first grade. [Full-size here] Read more on George Allen’s NCAA Tournament Bracket Is Somehow Funny…
 

St. Barack Of Obama Also Walks On Air

Here’s something you people will like: It’s a picture of presidential heartthrob Barack Obama, being gracefully athletic as he wins the Basketball Championship somewhere. It looks pretty realistic, this photograph! There is probably quite a story behind it — unfortunately, our tipster just sent us the picture. But you don’t care, you with your hands already up your own skirt. UPDATE: We know where this photograph was taken … in Africa! Read more on St. Barack Of Obama Also Walks On Air…
 

Barack Obama Buys Some Super Bowl Fever

Every year about this time, America gathers together to watch commercials and drink beer as part of the “Super Tuesday Bowl,” which is an annual sporting contest between the Right Wing Militia Patriots and the New York Mets. Nobody knows the ultimate outcome, but people will be talking about the advertisements for several hours tomorrow! For example, did you see the one with the hot girl in underwear making a reference to the very sporting event you were watching? (See photo.) Also, Barack Obama bought some local ad time in a few places. How did this change politics forever? Read more on Barack Obama Buys Some Super Bowl Fever…
 

Global Warming Fairies Assess Toll On Football Scores

Which do you care about more: football, or global warming? Since both of these are liberal conspiracies, the common answer is usually “freedom.” Nevertheless, the Environment America organization issued a press release today trying to relate to the “average American,” who cannot understand the concept of “the temperatures are always going up and we will soon melt” and need to be patronized with football references. We’ve scanned this fucker up-and-down for red flags, but now we have stopped and assume it’s real. It is called: “Could Global Warming Threaten the Patriots’ and Giants’ Edge?: Rising Temperatures Could Lessen Home Field Advantage Over Warm Weather Rivals.” Read more on Global Warming Fairies Assess Toll On Football Scores…
 

NASCAR Rudy!

Presumably armed with a bag of pork rinds and a Styrofoam cooler of cheap beer, Rudy Giuliani attended Sunday’s NASCAR Nextel Cup Ford 400 race where he sputtered, spat and lisped about religious liberty, alternative fuels and A-Rod’s new contract. How did a Brooklyn-born kid get into NASCAR? Ask his third wife, Judith who apparently perfected her crazy-eyed 100-yard stare at many many NASCAR races. Giuliani a regular guy at NASCAR race [Palm Beach Post] Read more on NASCAR Rudy!…
 

Pro Wrestling Legend Endorses Huckabee, We Cover It

Ric “The Nature Boy” Flair — an eight-time National Wrestling Alliance (NWA) Champion, six-time WCW Champion, two-time WWE Champion and winner of the 1992 “Royal Rumble” — has endorsed Mike Huckabee. Suddenly Chuck Norris’ endorsement looks like Abraham fucking Lincoln’s. After the jump: A video of Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan vs. The Undertaker. Read more on Pro Wrestling Legend Endorses Huckabee, We Cover It…
 

Broncos Kicker Ruins Jihad’s Good Name with Novel

Longtime Denver Broncos kicker Jason Elam is exploring his aesthetic side these days and has penned a new novel in collaboration with his pastor, Steve Yohn. It’s called Ulysses and takes place over the course of a day in Ireland. No no, that’s the other greatest book of all time. Jason Elam’s is called Monday Night Jihad, and it’s a “pro-football-themed spy thriller about fighting terrorists.” Coincidentally, that’s exactly how Fred Thompson is pitching his foreign policy approach. Read more on Broncos Kicker Ruins Jihad’s Good Name with Novel…
 

Tancredo to Eliminate Competition with Sports Bets

Although Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo is totally a shoe-in to become the next president, the nativist speedaholic is selflessly willing to put it all on the line with a World Series bet against Soxy colleague Mitt Romney. A spokesman for the Tancredo campaign (probably his dog or something) called ABC News this morning with a wager for Mitt Romney: If the Rockies lose the World Series then Tancredo will drop out, if the Red Sox lose then Romney will. It’s a charitable offer to Romney, whose pathetic campaigning has only landed him in first place in both Iowa and New Hampshire polls. The fool can’t recognize a good opportunity when it hits him square in the magic pajamas, and his campaign has rejected the offer. A deflated Tom Tancredo will resume betting on cockfights in the Mexico City underworld. Read more on Tancredo to Eliminate Competition with Sports Bets…
 

Redskin Arrested in Drunken Brawl

Redskins offensive lineman Kili Lofuto won’t make today’s game in Green Bay. Turns out he spent the first part of Friday night getting tanked, roughing up some poor bastard and redecorating a restaurant we never heard of. The second half of the night he spent in jail. Read more on Redskin Arrested in Drunken Brawl…
 

“Could Joe Torre be going from the House that Ruth Built to the White House if he’s ousted by George Steinbrenner? Maybe, if Rudy Giuliani gets elected. In his new book, ‘The Undecided Voter’s Guide to the Next President,’ Time magazine editor-at-large Mark Halperin asked the leading presidential candidates whom they’d put in their Cabinet. Most refused, except for Giuliani, who gave one name: Torre.” [Page Six] Read more on …