Bill Clinton would rather be a dead President than an alive non-President, he announced, apropos of let’s just say nothing in Istanbul on Monday. “It’s good that we have a (term) limit. Otherwise I would have stayed until I was carried away in a coffin. Or defeated in an election.” Six in one, half dozen in the other though. Anyway, Michael Bloomberg will now buy and destroy all New York’s coffins. [Reuters]

GOP gazillioniare Mitt Romney showed up at the funeral of the Mormon President, Gordon B. Hinckley, in Salt Lake City on Saturday, but his last-minute campaigning didn’t help. Today, the Church of Latter Day Saints announced a new president/prophet guy, and this president’s name isn’t Mitt Romney, either. Thomas S. Monson is the new LDS leader. Just as we’re totally confused by the whole “white smoke/white heat” pope election thing, we have no idea how this Mormon President process works, because we do not understand magic. [Salt Lake Tribune]

While other Republicans are busy running for president in Michigan and South Carolina, Rudy Giuliani is sticking with that Florida strategy of his (it also happens to be warmer there than in Michigan). Yesterday, he went to church for the first time all campaign season, that fucking heathen. It was an Hispanic sanctuary, much like New York City during the Giuliani years. MORE »

Relax, everybody! That stench in the nation’s air is just a natural annual response to the anniversary of Richard Milhouse Nixon’s glorious birth.

RMN was unscrewed from his poor mother’s womb on this day in Nineteen Hundred and Thirteen. Join us after the jump for a fascinating look at this horrible little man who would be known as America’s Worst President if not for the grace of George W. Bush.

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