Tag Archives: dc

  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  don't bogart the vote

Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?

Our great nation is in danger of falling under the influence of Reefer Madness this Election Day, with weed-related ballot questions in three states plus that fake state the “District of Columbia.” America, what has gotten into you? It’s almost like rational adults started interpreting statistics that say marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol to mean that they should maybe try making pot not such a huge crime. Read more on Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?…
  gross

Blind Item! What Coupled-Up DC ‘Journalist’ Guy Is Hitting On Chicks And Then Standing Them Up?

Blind item! Gossipy thing! Drudge siren! Which blatantly coupled-up DC “journalist” guy (just kidding about the “journalist” part) is going around hitting on DC women, and then standing them up? We wonder if you will ever be able to guess. Our source, a well-educated lady employed by one of the District’s fine institutions of higher learning, was browsing at a Dupont Circle bookstore in the late afternoon when a “scruffy” guy started chatting her up. He had a certain awkward charm despite the ham-handed way he dropped the name of his employer, a prominent conservative media organ with offices nearby. Phone numbers were disclosed and later that night he popped up asking for a lunch date. Cute! Nerdy! We here at Wonkette were mildly scandalized to learn of this flirty boy’s identity since he has, by his own design, become somewhat known for having a girlfriend, who also works in DC media. We were also surprised, as might be his high-profile boss, to hear he’s taken to calling himself a “managing editor.” Read more on Blind Item! What Coupled-Up DC ‘Journalist’ Guy Is Hitting On Chicks And Then Standing Them Up?…
  don't help because he's not acually being oppressed

Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition

Man, what is it with Republicans whining about not getting everything they want, up to and including a pony for their birthday and a tiara? It’s like the party has been taken over by a bunch of 4-year-olds who insist their tantrums be taken as serious arguments. Who are the latest group of pouty monkey-howlers? Take it away, Washington Post: [A] 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns. First off, props to the Post for the nice “state’s other sovereigns.” That was a nice bit of snark. Anyway, yet another group of rural Republicans are sick and tired of their liberty being infringed upon by… well, fellow citizens who vote in democratic elections for folks who then pass laws through an open and transparent process. Clearly, this is the height of TYRANNY!  Read more on Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition…
  is that all there is

ShockerScandalBreakingAndWhatNot! DC Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton Asks Someone For Money (In 2010)!

We were pretty sexcited to listen to this audio recording of DC’s congresswoman, Eleanor Holmes Norton, being “brazen” and “corrupt” and asking for “bribes.” From 2010. Which we laughed at when Andrew Breitbart first breathlessly posted it. Which The Young Turks just posted as news. Read more on ShockerScandalBreakingAndWhatNot! DC Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton Asks Someone For Money (In 2010)!…
  only commies want their workers off food stamps

DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home

Here is a number that has put District of Columbia Mayor Vincent C. Gray in the unenviable position of deciding who writes legislation for his city — Wal-mart, or the democratically elected city council: 12.50. See, the D.C. council, interested in shielding city residents from a cycle of endless poverty and government dependency, have voted for a living wage law mandating that retailers with indoor premises of over 75,000 sq feet and $1 billion in annual revenue pay their employees at least $12.50 per hour. Walmart is threatening to leave DC if the mayor does not veto the bill, saying it cannot possibly afford to pay employees at least $12.50 per hour, given that it can only afford to pay its CEO a paltry $20.7 million per year and is the number 2 company in the Fortune 500 list. Via the Washington Post: Read more on DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home…
  keep fucking that chicken

This Poor Fox Lady Said ‘Inniggeral’ (Video)

We honestly do not think this lady was having any kind of Freudian slip or anything of that nature. I mean, we don’t know her; maybe when she is at home beating her children and dropkicking kittehs she likes to get on the horn with David Duke and everyone from the National Review Online and talk about the murder rate in Belgium. Sure why not! Read more on This Poor Fox Lady Said ‘Inniggeral’ (Video)…
  founding potheads

Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh

In a CLEARLY partisan move, a federal court is going to review “evidence” and “science” and listen to a bunch of “doctors” so they can decide once and for all if the American people should be free to get highhhhhhh. For the first time in 20 years, a federal court will review scientific evidence on the therapeutic value of marijuana, as a legal challenge by a group of doctors, medical professionals and patients makes its way to the U.S. court of appeals in Washington, D.C., next week. Read more on Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh…
  water is life

DC Statehood Push Now Officially Terrorist Organization

EXCLUSIVE, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE (and the Associated Press). Wonkette has learned of a plot by proponents of DC statehood to achieve their goal through the use of poison against members of Congress and the newly inaugurated president next January. A domestic terrorist group calling itself “DC Water” announced the plan through channels commonly used by jihadists late last week. Read more on DC Statehood Push Now Officially Terrorist Organization…
  separate and unequal

GOP Platform Jerk Does Douchey Fist Pump Over Denying DC Representation Forever

Here is a video of a man — looks like, but is not, Hugh Hewitt — droning on and on all Bueller-styley about how of course the GOP platform shouldn’t “dilute” the representation the citizens of DC already have in Congress (one) by giving them more representation. Besides, the people of DC are all blah, and therefore Democrats! (He does not say the blah part, just blah blah blah Democrat Party.) Read more on GOP Platform Jerk Does Douchey Fist Pump Over Denying DC Representation Forever…
  bad loans ruining america again

D.C. Council Head Quits For Boat-Related Misdeeds

Here is a true fact about city councils everywhere: they are notoriously full of time-servers and small-time crooks! This is because most of the world’s actually politically ambitious and/or competent and/or truly evil people tend to head for state legislatures as their stepping stone to Congress and world domination. City council provides the opportunity for the kind of low-level graft and sleaze that at worst gets you on the front page of your city’s newspaper’s local section, assuming your city newspaper isn’t entirely made up of wire copy and tire ads at this point. Unfortunately for D.C. City Council members, our Founding Fathers were under the impression that our nation’s capital would be some kind of uninhabited American Vatican that shouldn’t be part of any state, which means that the D.C. City Council is kind of like a state legislature (only with lots less power), which means that it’s national news when the president of the D.C. Council quits because he … lied about his income on his application for a boat loan? Oh, come on. Read more on D.C. Council Head Quits For Boat-Related Misdeeds…
  words with friends

D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers

Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone. Read more on D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers…
  fingerpointing blamegaming

Whom Will Rick Santorum Blame For Tonight’s Loss In DC?

That’s right fuckers, we said whom. Also, it was a trick question, because sneery pouty whiny smegma-lipped box o’ outrage Rick Santorum has already blamed his loss in DC on the fact that DC won’t vote for an out-of-the-box insurgent kinda guy like him. But who is really to blame for Rick Santorum’s loss in DC? Did you guess … Rick Santorum, for not paying the ballot filing fee? WINNA WINNA WINNA! Oh Washington DC, why won’t you let us have nice things? Read more on Whom Will Rick Santorum Blame For Tonight’s Loss In DC?…
  go outside and have fun

Occupy Washington Live Video Feed: It’s a Pretty Autumn Day!

Here’s what’s going on in DC today: The ongoing Occupy DC protest at McPherson Square is still ongoing, so stop by and say hi and whatever, and also the long-planned “Stop the Machine” rally against TEN YEARS OF WAR IN AFGHANISTAN is also going, and going big. Here’s a live feed NOW CORRECTED WITH A BETTER FEED THAT’S ACTUALLY LIVE FROM DC: Read more on Occupy Washington Live Video Feed: It’s a Pretty Autumn Day!…
  sex bomb sex bomb

Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!

EVERYBODY STRAP IN, The Hill released its “50 Most Beautiful People for 2011″ listicle thingamaboob, which contrary to the title is not a list of the 50 most beautiful people on Earth, but more like a “top 50 list of congressional staffers Newt Gingrich will try to DM on Twitter when his current wife gets a double brain tumor.” As per the tradition, it is a very boring list that tries to be all gossipy about exercise and “couponing” and dog doo cleanup tips from a swath of hyper type-A twentysomethings, except that is actually fifty pages, which is a loooooong time in Internet years to ask people to read a “feature story” about absolutely nothing. We even tabbed back over to stories about the debt ceiling a few times, is what we are saying. Maybe a “top 4″ would do it next year?  Read more on Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!…
  it's morning in america

New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror

When bald eagles close their eyes and daydream about America, images of John Boehner beating up The Deficit, or maybe teaching orphans how to chain-smoke, almost always appear in their little eagle noggins. This is because John Boehner was once a child with eleven siblings, and today he will be sworn in as Speaker of the House. Only in America! And as our country’s awful newspapers gleefully point out, John Boehner refused to attend a LeAnn Rimes concert last evening, since taxpayers do not care for LeAnn Rimes. And instead of hosting a lavish celebration dinner at The Olive Garden — which is what Nancy Pelosi did every weekend — John Boehner is having a very private potluck reception. Good gravy, John Boehner will probably flood half of Washington with his incessant weeping. [NYT] Read more on New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror… Read more on New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror…
  it's morning in america

Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago

For the love of Joseph and Mary’s unsullied maidenhead: When will Joe Miller stop smelling his own farts and accept the fact that he is a loser? “Probably never,” according to everyone. “He’s a hopeless dick.” Miller is still peddling the same sad legal argument — “voter intent” is in violation of what Joe Miller intended, or something — in hopes that he will be vindicated and Lisa Murkowski will be arrested for massive voter fraud. This is Joe Miller’s wettest dream, and he will describe it to the Alaska Supreme Court this afternoon. Will voter intent prevail over Joe Miller’s perverted sense of Democracy? Alaska’s smug Assistant Attorney General points out that it’s “hard to imagine how a voter who wrote ‘Lisa Murcowsky’ or even ‘Leeza Murcowski’ might have been trying to vote for anyone else.” Yes, hard to imagine if you’re not a bearded megalomaniac. [ADN] Read more on Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago… Read more on Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago…