Tag Archives: dc

  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Haha, good one!
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  Keep Your Caucus In Check

Great And Powerful John Boehner Rises From Ashes Of Tea Party Tantrum

CSPAN screenshot via Oliver Willis America’s sweetheart, John Boehner, vanquished his enemies on Tuesday afternoon, retaining his cartoonishly oversized gavel and kicking off another two years of publicly losing control of his caucus. Read more on Great And Powerful John Boehner Rises From Ashes Of Tea Party Tantrum…
  not quite a thousand points of light

Wonkette Lifeboat: Your Hope-Enabling Election Results

Wednesday was one long day of avoiding the news, Wonketteers, and we understand if you’ve been busy numbing your pain by shopping for shoes or guzzling dark-colored liquors, but we would be remiss if we didn’t draw your attention to a few distant bits of flickering light, barely visible through the haze of unregulated coal emissions and hog farm waste pond fumes. In our wanderings in the ruins of this week’s election results, we have found a few things intact to help you remember that you can and will feel Hope again. Scott Brown, Non-Senator, Will Be Forever Haunted By The Great Pumpkin Riot We had Fox News on here in the Washington Bureau on Election Night, so it took them a couple extra hours, but eventually even they called the New Hampshire Senate race for Jeanne Shaheen. Four percent isn’t an insurmountable margin, so Scott Brown’s got to be asking himself: what else could I have done? More donuts for the volunteers? Bigger lawn signs for the people who didn’t want to do anything useful? Another sixer downed with the tailgaters? Let us help you out there, Scott. We can tell you exactly where you went wrong. In Keene, New Hampshire, 10 days before the election, you had an opportunity to bravely lead when drunk pumpkin mobs ran wild, menacing the tax-paying residents of Keene all around the Pumpkin Festival where you were electioneering. You could have climbed on an overturned car to address the crowd as a statesman who also speaks fluent Bro and convinced the hooligans to take their beers and go back to Chad’s porch and have a good time instead of throwing skateboards at the cops. You could have been a hero, but instead you tucked your pumpkin under your arm and ran. The people of New Hampshire need a senator who will wade into the fray to protect the community and isn’t just out to save his own gourd. Minimum Wage Workers In Four States Will Get A Raise They Will Probably Blow On Food, Rent (Sorry, Illinois) Minimum wage increases were passed by popular vote in Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota, enjoying margins that any political party would kill for. After years of talk from national Republicans, including wannabe presidents, about doing away with the minimum wage, voters came together across party lines to say that people who get paid less than anyone else deserve a raise. Voters in Illinois tried to do the same, overwhelmingly endorsing a non-binding resolution to increase their minimum wage. To go into effect, it will require the passage of legislation complete with signature from the state’s brand new Republican “CEO” governor, so we’ll be watching for that to never happen for the next four years. Two States and One “State” Freed the Weed (Sorry, Florida) Despite a strong showing in Florida, medical marijuana came up just short of passage: as a constitutional amendment, it needed 60 percent and got 58, close enough to suggest that advocates will be back. Florida should try to take inspiration from Oregon, where voters managed to legalize recreational marijuana on the second try with some minor tweaks, like a cap of eight ounces per person rather than no limit at all.  In Alaska, where the governor’s race is still too close to call at the time of this writing, voters approved a ballot question calling for a Marijuana Control Board to facilitate sales and regulation of pot by a comfortable 4 points. In Washington, DC, 69 percent of voters approved marijuana legalization, following ordinances passed in recent years by the mayor and city council to allow for medical marijuana and to decriminalize minor possession. If it was a state, the District would be a pothead’s paradise, but certain members of the House Republican Caucus have made it their business to derail DC laws they don’t agree with, including recent changes to marijuana policy. We’ve never met these congressmen, who find themselves to the right of Rand Paul on this issue, since the districts they were actually elected to represent are quite a distance from Washington. We’re looking forward to hearing these small-government conservatives argue in favor of federal intervention to nullify the actions of local government. Democrats Haven’t Lost A Senate Seat In Virginia Technically, Republican Ed Gillespie hasn’t lost either, since no winner has been declared yet. With 99.88 percent of precincts reporting on Wednesday evening, incumbent Democrat Mark Warner held a lead of seven-tenths of one percent, well outside of the margin where state law allows for a recount. Even if every single vote that remains uncounted goes in Gillespie’s favor, it won’t get him to the Recount Zone, so at this point we’re just waiting for the concession speech. (We predict a fiery performance that suddenly grabs the national spotlight and a swift appointment as Senior Fellow following a bidding war among the right-wing think tanks.) The recount lawyers for both parties in Virginia are expected to remain in their bio-pods, ready to be activated in a state that remains liable to break out in a recount at any moment. So don’t despair, Wonketteers — the world is not all darkness and doom. There are even some reasons to believe access to reproductive health care won’t be totally destroyed by our new Republican overlords. Voters in North Dakota and Colorado soundly rejected “personhood” measures to outlaw all abortion and many forms of birth control, so that’s good! Also, the Senate’s Jester-Elect Joni Ernst will personally provide you with free contraceptive measures, as long as you are a male pig. You can follow Beth on Twitter.  
  don't bogart the vote

Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?

Our great nation is in danger of falling under the influence of Reefer Madness this Election Day, with weed-related ballot questions in three states plus that fake state the “District of Columbia.” America, what has gotten into you? It’s almost like rational adults started interpreting statistics that say marijuana is less dangerous than alcohol to mean that they should maybe try making pot not such a huge crime. Read more on Burning Issues: Is That Weed On Your Ballot?…
  gross

Blind Item! What Coupled-Up DC ‘Journalist’ Guy Is Hitting On Chicks And Then Standing Them Up?

Blind item! Gossipy thing! Drudge siren! Which blatantly coupled-up DC “journalist” guy (just kidding about the “journalist” part) is going around hitting on DC women, and then standing them up? We wonder if you will ever be able to guess. Our source, a well-educated lady employed by one of the District’s fine institutions of higher learning, was browsing at a Dupont Circle bookstore in the late afternoon when a “scruffy” guy started chatting her up. He had a certain awkward charm despite the ham-handed way he dropped the name of his employer, a prominent conservative media organ with offices nearby. Phone numbers were disclosed and later that night he popped up asking for a lunch date. Cute! Nerdy! We here at Wonkette were mildly scandalized to learn of this flirty boy’s identity since he has, by his own design, become somewhat known for having a girlfriend, who also works in DC media. We were also surprised, as might be his high-profile boss, to hear he’s taken to calling himself a “managing editor.” Read more on Blind Item! What Coupled-Up DC ‘Journalist’ Guy Is Hitting On Chicks And Then Standing Them Up?…
  don't help because he's not acually being oppressed

Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition

Man, what is it with Republicans whining about not getting everything they want, up to and including a pony for their birthday and a tiara? It’s like the party has been taken over by a bunch of 4-year-olds who insist their tantrums be taken as serious arguments. Who are the latest group of pouty monkey-howlers? Take it away, Washington Post: [A] 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns. First off, props to the Post for the nice “state’s other sovereigns.” That was a nice bit of snark. Anyway, yet another group of rural Republicans are sick and tired of their liberty being infringed upon by… well, fellow citizens who vote in democratic elections for folks who then pass laws through an open and transparent process. Clearly, this is the height of TYRANNY!  Read more on Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition…
  is that all there is

ShockerScandalBreakingAndWhatNot! DC Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton Asks Someone For Money (In 2010)!

We were pretty sexcited to listen to this audio recording of DC’s congresswoman, Eleanor Holmes Norton, being “brazen” and “corrupt” and asking for “bribes.” From 2010. Which we laughed at when Andrew Breitbart first breathlessly posted it. Which The Young Turks just posted as news. Read more on ShockerScandalBreakingAndWhatNot! DC Rep Eleanor Holmes Norton Asks Someone For Money (In 2010)!…
  only commies want their workers off food stamps

DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home

Here is a number that has put District of Columbia Mayor Vincent C. Gray in the unenviable position of deciding who writes legislation for his city — Wal-mart, or the democratically elected city council: 12.50. See, the D.C. council, interested in shielding city residents from a cycle of endless poverty and government dependency, have voted for a living wage law mandating that retailers with indoor premises of over 75,000 sq feet and $1 billion in annual revenue pay their employees at least $12.50 per hour. Walmart is threatening to leave DC if the mayor does not veto the bill, saying it cannot possibly afford to pay employees at least $12.50 per hour, given that it can only afford to pay its CEO a paltry $20.7 million per year and is the number 2 company in the Fortune 500 list. Via the Washington Post: Read more on DC Approves Living Wage Bill Despite Wal-Mart’s Threat To Take Its Ball And Go Home…
  keep fucking that chicken

This Poor Fox Lady Said ‘Inniggeral’ (Video)

We honestly do not think this lady was having any kind of Freudian slip or anything of that nature. I mean, we don’t know her; maybe when she is at home beating her children and dropkicking kittehs she likes to get on the horn with David Duke and everyone from the National Review Online and talk about the murder rate in Belgium. Sure why not! Read more on This Poor Fox Lady Said ‘Inniggeral’ (Video)…
  founding potheads

Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh

In a CLEARLY partisan move, a federal court is going to review “evidence” and “science” and listen to a bunch of “doctors” so they can decide once and for all if the American people should be free to get highhhhhhh. For the first time in 20 years, a federal court will review scientific evidence on the therapeutic value of marijuana, as a legal challenge by a group of doctors, medical professionals and patients makes its way to the U.S. court of appeals in Washington, D.C., next week. Read more on Smoke Em If You Got Em: Appeals Court To Decide Whether You Can Get Hiiiiighhhh…
  water is life

DC Statehood Push Now Officially Terrorist Organization

EXCLUSIVE, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE (and the Associated Press). Wonkette has learned of a plot by proponents of DC statehood to achieve their goal through the use of poison against members of Congress and the newly inaugurated president next January. A domestic terrorist group calling itself “DC Water” announced the plan through channels commonly used by jihadists late last week. Read more on DC Statehood Push Now Officially Terrorist Organization…
  separate and unequal

GOP Platform Jerk Does Douchey Fist Pump Over Denying DC Representation Forever

Here is a video of a man — looks like, but is not, Hugh Hewitt — droning on and on all Bueller-styley about how of course the GOP platform shouldn’t “dilute” the representation the citizens of DC already have in Congress (one) by giving them more representation. Besides, the people of DC are all blah, and therefore Democrats! (He does not say the blah part, just blah blah blah Democrat Party.) Read more on GOP Platform Jerk Does Douchey Fist Pump Over Denying DC Representation Forever…
  bad loans ruining america again

D.C. Council Head Quits For Boat-Related Misdeeds

Here is a true fact about city councils everywhere: they are notoriously full of time-servers and small-time crooks! This is because most of the world’s actually politically ambitious and/or competent and/or truly evil people tend to head for state legislatures as their stepping stone to Congress and world domination. City council provides the opportunity for the kind of low-level graft and sleaze that at worst gets you on the front page of your city’s newspaper’s local section, assuming your city newspaper isn’t entirely made up of wire copy and tire ads at this point. Unfortunately for D.C. City Council members, our Founding Fathers were under the impression that our nation’s capital would be some kind of uninhabited American Vatican that shouldn’t be part of any state, which means that the D.C. City Council is kind of like a state legislature (only with lots less power), which means that it’s national news when the president of the D.C. Council quits because he … lied about his income on his application for a boat loan? Oh, come on. Read more on D.C. Council Head Quits For Boat-Related Misdeeds…
  words with friends

D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers

Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone. Read more on D.C. Discussing How Abortion Causes Fetal Pain, No One Smart Invited Except Ghosts Of The Founding Fathers…
  fingerpointing blamegaming

Whom Will Rick Santorum Blame For Tonight’s Loss In DC?

That’s right fuckers, we said whom. Also, it was a trick question, because sneery pouty whiny smegma-lipped box o’ outrage Rick Santorum has already blamed his loss in DC on the fact that DC won’t vote for an out-of-the-box insurgent kinda guy like him. But who is really to blame for Rick Santorum’s loss in DC? Did you guess … Rick Santorum, for not paying the ballot filing fee? WINNA WINNA WINNA! Oh Washington DC, why won’t you let us have nice things? Read more on Whom Will Rick Santorum Blame For Tonight’s Loss In DC?…
  go outside and have fun

Occupy Washington Live Video Feed: It’s a Pretty Autumn Day!

Here’s what’s going on in DC today: The ongoing Occupy DC protest at McPherson Square is still ongoing, so stop by and say hi and whatever, and also the long-planned “Stop the Machine” rally against TEN YEARS OF WAR IN AFGHANISTAN is also going, and going big. Here’s a live feed NOW CORRECTED WITH A BETTER FEED THAT’S ACTUALLY LIVE FROM DC: Read more on Occupy Washington Live Video Feed: It’s a Pretty Autumn Day!…
  sex bomb sex bomb

Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!

EVERYBODY STRAP IN, The Hill released its “50 Most Beautiful People for 2011″ listicle thingamaboob, which contrary to the title is not a list of the 50 most beautiful people on Earth, but more like a “top 50 list of congressional staffers Newt Gingrich will try to DM on Twitter when his current wife gets a double brain tumor.” As per the tradition, it is a very boring list that tries to be all gossipy about exercise and “couponing” and dog doo cleanup tips from a swath of hyper type-A twentysomethings, except that is actually fifty pages, which is a loooooong time in Internet years to ask people to read a “feature story” about absolutely nothing. We even tabbed back over to stories about the debt ceiling a few times, is what we are saying. Maybe a “top 4″ would do it next year?  Read more on Here Are the 50 Sexxxiest People Trapped On Capitol Hill This Summer!…
  it's morning in america

Budget Compromise Reached: No Money For Poor People, Nature

Barack Obama and his new boyfriend barf-face John Boehner finally sat down and “hammered things out,” budget-wise, and sexually, too. What sort of horrendous pork barrel spending did they trim from the budget, in a jolly, bipartisan fashion? The proposed $38 billion in cuts includes a $1.6 billion reduction for the Environmental Protection Agency (sixteen percent of its budget), and Pell grants have been cut entirely for poor people who have the audacity to attend summer school. (Who needs the EPA or “an education” anyway, especially now that the entire world is radioactive?) Liberal things like NPR and the AmeriCorps public service program will still receive funding, so that’s some sort of Big Victory for communism, we guess? Most importantly though is that the legislation “includes a Republican ‘rider’ barring Washington, D.C., from spending local tax money to provide abortions to poor women.” Thank God! It’s about time someone addressed the #1 reason why we have a deficit, “welfare queens in D.C. gettin’ free abortions for fun.” D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray was actually arrested for protesting this “Republican rider” outside of the Senate office buildings. Uh … The budget has lots of money for guns and ammo, though! [Bloomberg] Read more on Budget Compromise Reached: No Money For Poor People, Nature…
  it's morning in america

New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror

When bald eagles close their eyes and daydream about America, images of John Boehner beating up The Deficit, or maybe teaching orphans how to chain-smoke, almost always appear in their little eagle noggins. This is because John Boehner was once a child with eleven siblings, and today he will be sworn in as Speaker of the House. Only in America! And as our country’s awful newspapers gleefully point out, John Boehner refused to attend a LeAnn Rimes concert last evening, since taxpayers do not care for LeAnn Rimes. And instead of hosting a lavish celebration dinner at The Olive Garden — which is what Nancy Pelosi did every weekend — John Boehner is having a very private potluck reception. Good gravy, John Boehner will probably flood half of Washington with his incessant weeping. [NYT] Read more on New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror… Read more on New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror…
  it's morning in america

Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago

For the love of Joseph and Mary’s unsullied maidenhead: When will Joe Miller stop smelling his own farts and accept the fact that he is a loser? “Probably never,” according to everyone. “He’s a hopeless dick.” Miller is still peddling the same sad legal argument — “voter intent” is in violation of what Joe Miller intended, or something — in hopes that he will be vindicated and Lisa Murkowski will be arrested for massive voter fraud. This is Joe Miller’s wettest dream, and he will describe it to the Alaska Supreme Court this afternoon. Will voter intent prevail over Joe Miller’s perverted sense of Democracy? Alaska’s smug Assistant Attorney General points out that it’s “hard to imagine how a voter who wrote ‘Lisa Murcowsky’ or even ‘Leeza Murcowski’ might have been trying to vote for anyone else.” Yes, hard to imagine if you’re not a bearded megalomaniac. [ADN] Read more on Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago… Read more on Joe Miller Still Whining About That Election He Lost 1,000 Years Ago…