Tag Archives: david vitter

  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  How will they 'save' the Constitution next?

Hero Conservatives Will Fix Stupid Framers’ Dumb Constitution

Trivia question from the first week of the 114th Congress: What percentage of proposed changes to the United States Constitution were filed by members of the Constitution-waving, original intent-spouting, Founding Father-worshiping Republican Party? Read more on Hero Conservatives Will Fix Stupid Framers’ Dumb Constitution…
  Literally Unbelievable

Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So

There's nothing about Common Core hre, but we like the picture
The Tea Party of Louisiana does not like Common Core, not one darn bit! And on Monday, it issued a deeply disappointed and angry denunciation of Sen. David Vitter for supporting the standards, since the tea partiers had “always thought of Senator Vitter as a friend of Liberty,” but his support for Common Core gives them a sad. All pretty standard Tea Party stuff, until you get to their list of links at the end, so you could educate yourself on just how terrible this Common Core stuff is. The first item on the list is now gone from the Tea Party website, but happily, RightWingWatch grabbed a screenshot: Read more on Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So…
  That's Ebola Baby!

Dr. Ben Carson, A Doctor, Thinks You Are Peeing Ebola

Obamacare can't save you from...Ebola!
Dr. Ben Carson has such a nice, calm demeanor and a soothing bedside manner that must have helped in his long career as a neurosurgeon. Perhaps if this whole running (maybe) for president thing doesn’t work out, he could find some work as a screenwriter for Troma. Because his scenario about a cash-strapped lab worker selling Ebola-infected urine to terrorists sounds hilarious. What happens after the terrorists get their hands on the Pee of Death? Do they slip it into Todd Starnes’s refrigerator? Read more on Dr. Ben Carson, A Doctor, Thinks You Are Peeing Ebola…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border

But how did she end up with Twilight Sparkle's panties on her head?
Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we collect all the stupidest stories that we couldn’t find a spot for and dump them in a junk drawer for you to sort through. You may want to wash your brain afterward! Read more on Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border…
  no not that kind of emission

GOP Heroes Will Shut Down Government Before They Let EPA Communists Force You To Breathe Clean Air

Are you ready for some déjà vu? The Obama Administration is looking to implement a policy that will lead to healthier Americans. And once again, the GOP is frothing and foaming and throwing a temper-tantrum because they fucking HATE healthy (post-embryotic) Americans! And the kicker: they might just shut down the government, take their toys, and go home unless they get their way: President Obama’s new climate change rule could result in a partial government shutdown this fall if Republicans attempt to block the regulations through the appropriations process. Let’s sexsplore why Republicans are determined to ensure you live a short, unhealthy life.  Read more on GOP Heroes Will Shut Down Government Before They Let EPA Communists Force You To Breathe Clean Air…
  the wrong kind of badger

WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)

Hey ladies. You know how the GOP is all wanting you to like them? And not just like them, but like them like them, because of how you are all slutty whoremonsters who vote for Democrats? Well, the Wisconsin State Assembly GOP Majority Leader is seeking to give ‘women’s outreach’ his personal touch. Unfortunately, he did not take the Boehner-approved class on good touch/bad touch, per the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Assembly Majority Leader Bill Kramer may resign from his leadership post as soon as Saturday after being accused of sexually harassing at least two women while in Washington, D.C., for a GOP fundraiser. Protip for all GOP officials: don’t take a hands-on approach to give that personal touch to women voters, because Mad Men is a teevee show and not real life anymore.  Read more on WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  he luvs LA

Nation Facing Critical Diaper-Pun Shortage As David Vitter Announces Run For Louisiana Luvs, Er, Guv

In a move immediately deemed “good for comedy,” Sen. David Vitter announced today that he will run for governor of Louisiana in 2015. Since Bobby Jindal is term-limited, Vitter will only have to run against less well-known Republicans in the primaries, and already has a pantsload of money to begin campaigning with — even before the announcement, a pro-Vitter super PAC had already raised $1.5 million. Vitter has the built-in advantages of name recognition and popularity, but it remains to be seen whether he will be able to lie as creatively about state issues as he has about Obamaphones and senate staffers’ “subsidies” for Obamacare. We bet he can! Read more on Nation Facing Critical Diaper-Pun Shortage As David Vitter Announces Run For Louisiana Luvs, Er, Guv…
  shut up you fucking baby

Diapered Angerbear David Vitter Would Like To Maximize America’s Ability To Humiliate The Poor

Hi there, and welcome to our newest episode of David Vitter Is Being A Dick Again. We know you’ve all been breathlessly awaiting this, as you’ve been on cliffhanger tenterhooks: will he be whining about how there is not enough sweet government cash coming into Louisiana even though he doesn’t believe in government cash going anywhere? Is he cockblocking — or in his case, diaperblocking — one of Obama’s cabinet nominations? Is he playing politics with Congressional staffers’ lives and pocketbooks? Haha no, silly, this is a new season so David Vitter is being a dick in entirely new and interesting ways. Read more on Diapered Angerbear David Vitter Would Like To Maximize America’s Ability To Humiliate The Poor…
  fight for your right to discriminate

Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay

You know what sucks about being an American? When the big bad government steps in and says that you have to treat all people the same, even if they are not like you. First, they came for our lunch counters, and now they are coming for our discrimination against gays. Luckily, there are some patriotic senators who think this whole “all men created equal” thing has gone too far, and are willing to stand up for your god-given mandated right to discriminate against things you find icky. Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) has introduced a bill that, according to ThinkProgress, “guarantees that businesses and even government employees can refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage and discriminate against anybody who engages in premarital sex.” It’s about time someone stood up for the oppressed Christianist majority, who keep on being persecuted by being forced to follow the same law as everyone else, like they are not even special or set apart or anything! Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…
  austerity for thee but not for me

David Vitter Throws Totally Non-Hypocritical Temper Tantrum About Lack Of Federal Money Coming To New Orleans

We here at Wonket love… no, we luurrrvvveee hypocrisy. It feeds us, sustains us, amuses us, and gives us a reason for getting up every morning… that and whiskey. And there is no better source of hypocrisy than Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), who has once again taken a break from putting his ‘family values’ wenis into not-his-wife hookers in order to throw a fiscally responsible temper tantrum about how not enough federal pork is making its way to Louisiana. Per The Hill: Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) on Monday said he would block confirmation of President Obama’s nominee for undersecretary of the Energy Department. Vitter said he would hold up Elizabeth Robinson’s nomination because of NASA’s “stalling” of a project in New Orleans that he said would bring 300 to 600 jobs to his home state. Read more on David Vitter Throws Totally Non-Hypocritical Temper Tantrum About Lack Of Federal Money Coming To New Orleans…
  world's worst deliberative body

Are We There Yet? Ted Cruz FINALLY Shuts Up Whining About Obamacare

After sleeping and dreaming of Canadians stabbing our ears with nasal whining, we unfortunately woke up to Ted Cruz still rambling on the teevee, somewhat incoherently, about how Obamacare is the love child of a threesome between the Plague, Hitler’s mustache, and Nickleback. Because we hate ourselves and love Our Glorious Reader all too much, we continued to listen.  Read more on Are We There Yet? Ted Cruz FINALLY Shuts Up Whining About Obamacare…
  a southern man don't need us around anyhow

Deleted Comments Of The Day: The ‘League Of The South’ May Never Love Us, We Fear

We will give the Angry Southerners of the Neo-Confederate “League of the South” credit for this much: They are persistent! As we mentioned in our last Deleted Comments Roundup, they were not pleased at all with our coverage of their upcoming protest against being genocided to death by the Federal Gummint. They took particular umbrage at the photograph which illustrated the article, because it was not an actual photograph of a League of the South protest. We acknowledged this last time, but they are still butthurt; “Pat Hines,” who warned last time that “Southrons aren’t going to permit you Yankee Empire thugs to replace us in our own lands,” is back in the comment queue with some words about that terrible picture: The photograph at the top of this blog post isn’t of the League of the South, I don’t know who it is, but it’s not our people. Just as a guess, it’s a group of college boys at some sort of rally before a football game about 20 years ago. If you want a post from our last demonstration, if you’re honorable you’ll post a new image, go here. And so, because we are honorable, here is an actual, unmodified representation of the League of the South, taken directly from the URL in “Pat Hines’s” message: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: The ‘League Of The South’ May Never Love Us, We Fear…
  Pull up your big-boy diapers

David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers

Oh, Sen. David Vitter (R-Whore House), we heart you soooooo much. No, really, we do. You are, in fact, our very favorite diapers-wearing john in the whole Senate. While some politicians might slink away from the public eye in disgrace after getting busted for patronizing professional women of the night (you know, paying hookers for sex), those politicians tend to be weenie Democrats. Not you, sir. You are a brave soul who will force your wife to stand beside you as you say you are “very, very sorry” for all those times you paid women to dress you up in diapers and do we-don’t-even-want-to-know-what to you and then insist we forget all about that stuff so you can go back to lecturing us about family values and how the gays are destroying America with their gay and also just generally being a dick. We applaud you, sir, and now we would like to thank you for this latest demonstration of courage under derp: Read more on David Vitter Demands Senate Democrats Go Probe Themselves For Reminding Us Of That Time He Used To Screw Hookers…
  nice time or whatever oh fuck it

BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay

In breaking news-that-shouldn’t-be-news, a Republican Senator has publicly stated that he will help constituents if they call asking for help about a federal program! Ticker-tape parade! Balloons! A spread of the finest Ritz crackers and Costco-brand cheeses in all the land! Who is this brave Republican who will seek to actually help the people who elected him? None other than our favorite baby-cosplay-with-prostitutes-having politician, David Vitter (R-Red Light)! Per Think Progress: QUESTION: Is your office going to help constituents who might simply want to buy insurance? VITTER: Well, we’re helping folks in any way we can trying to get them good information… We field calls every day in my offices in Louisiana trying to help people with individual questions and circumstances and I would encourage folks to call my office to get that guidance and help. We are not sure whether or not the Senator is aware that diapers are not covered by Obamacare, but don’t tell him or he might change his mind.  Read more on BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay…
  you're a loser baby

Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin

Everyone’s favorite Jewish grandmother, Chuck Schumer, has been banging on for a few weeks about how he wanted the Gang of Eight’s immigration reform bill to get 70 votes in the Senate. To which we say halavai, Chuck Schumer! But if your bill should only get 60 votes, that will have been sufficient to pass. Dayenu. We understand Chuck’s logic, which is that more Republican votes in the Senate will show the House that there is serious GOP interest in immigration reform, thus putting pressure on Boehner’s caucus to come up with something that the two chambers can reconcile. We just think this logic made more sense in, say, 1993, before the Gingrich Revolution paved the way for today’s state of affairs, where a febrile-brained group of jackholes will do pretty much nothing except vote to defund Obamacare 378 times every month and scream about bullshit scandals. Read more on Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin…
  Mitt Tried To Warn Us About Them Soviets

Obama Thinks We Should Have Fewer Apocalyptic Nuclear Death Toys, Can You Guess Who Disagrees?

Germany is Europe’s Brooklyn’s Williamsburg before Williamsburg got too Williamsburg: good beer, they make cool stuff, not too expensive. So it’s not surprising that budget-conscious culture vulture Barack Obama wanted to pop in and thrill a few legs after another lame G8 summit in London where everybody was so “concerned” about everything and oh look at us, our economies are big. Get over yourselves, said our flashy president, maybe we can hook up in Berlin for the after-party. Which was cool, there was a speech, it was hot, the crowd was not huge, and Obama said he wants to reduce our nuclear arsenal by a third. WHAT?!?!?! MADNESS!!!!!!, was the typical GOP response, because, uh, Obama! is bad. What he said, BAD! Also. Read more on Obama Thinks We Should Have Fewer Apocalyptic Nuclear Death Toys, Can You Guess Who Disagrees?…
  is that any way to treat a lady?

Surprise, Senator David Vitter Being A Dick

Guestblogger DDM here, again, to splain how Sen. Vitter is being a total dick.  Sometimes Congresscritters, because of their nature, decide to be total dicks, just for funzies. Since 2011, the GOP has found a secret stash of dickatude, so they are busily being dicks all over the place. Let’s explore one example: Sen. Vitter (R-RedLight District) is either a very inquisitive man (unlikely) or is being an obstructionist dickhole to Pres. Obama’s EPA nominee Gina McCarthy. Now we all know that when a Republican President signed the bill to create the EPA back in 1970, it was clearly intended to be a front for liberal activists to ruin all businesses everywhere to make sure that owls could keep people awake at night, right? Well, Sen. Vitter, who does not at all wear diapers when he has sexytime with the pros, has decided to make it his personal mission to be the mouthpiece of every nemesis of Captain Planet by doing everything he can possibly do to stop this woman from being confirmed as head of the EPA. It is a good thing we do not need the environment anymore! Read more on Surprise, Senator David Vitter Being A Dick…
  everything old is new again

Big Baby David Vitter Would Like To Lie At You About Obamaphones Now and Forever

ohforfuckssake we cannot believe we are going to have to write about Obamaphones again. Everybody – and we mean EVERYBODY – has debunked the myth that these phones are just a giveaway to lazy shiftless welfare peoples AND explained that the program started with Saint Reagan. Apparently David Vitter didn’t get the memo, though, because diaper baby cosplay takes up a lot of time, so he’s still beating this dead horse to deadness: Read more on Big Baby David Vitter Would Like To Lie At You About Obamaphones Now and Forever…
  we should probably go ahead and abolish the labor department

Diaper Fetishist And Rancid Chickenhawk Boil Unite To Defeat Some Mexican

Ok before we even start: we are not anti-diaper-fetishists, because we are catholic, not Catholic, in our views about how you get your sexytime on. We are, however, anti-diaper-fetishists who are also morality police for other people’s sexytime, so don’t hatetweet us, bro. We give no such caveat re: chickenhawks. Fuck those guys. Yes, it’s true. In the doubleheader you’ve all been waiting for, David Vitter and Rush Limbaugh have joined forces in a veritable Voltron of dumb to explain why they hate Thomas Perez, the socialist Obummer nominated for Secretary of Labor. Read more on Diaper Fetishist And Rancid Chickenhawk Boil Unite To Defeat Some Mexican…