Tag Archives: david vitter

  Drink their tears

Oh No, Josh Duggar’s Cheatin’ Penis Makes The Family Values Crowd Look Bad!

Maybe this is happening because Jesus hates you.
Maybe this is happening because Jesus hates you. Oh no, Josh Duggar has strayed from his Christian marriage by getting on the internet to find strange hoo-ha to dip his Duggar Stick into, and the Family Research Council, AKA the Southern Poverty Law Center-designated “family values” hate group where Duggar used to work before the world found out about how he did Bible Diddles to his sisters, is SO VERY DISAPPOINTED. Because culture warriors, you see, are sinless (mostly) men, who have never been caught doing the very same things they preach against and demonize, no not ever, no way, that’s just your imagination. These are Jesus’s personal BFFs! Read more on Oh No, Josh Duggar’s Cheatin’ Penis Makes The Family Values Crowd Look Bad!…
  Even diaper-fetishists have to eat

Whore-Sexing Sen. David Vitter Wiped Away Gay Marriage Tears With Greasy Chick-Fil-A Meat

He's crying because he's hungry.
Friday was a tough day for Louisiana Sen. David Vitter. First, he had to shed his pull-ups and dismount from whatever whore lady was currently being Not His Wife and helping him fulfill his diaper sex fantasies (ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY!), and then he turned on the Google and found out that the Supreme Court had crammed his throat with gay marriage, and he did not like that! The taste of diapers on his tongue did not go well with the taste of sweet same-sex Supreme Court dick, and no matter how much mouthwash he gargled, the bad taste would not go away. “Ptooey!” said he, mimicking the sound humans make when they spit. Also, Sen. Vitter was very hungry. So, due to his sadness, and also because he is a pro-traditional marriage senator whose family values record is ABOVE REPROACH, he decided to go to Chick-Fil-A, because those are his people. At Chick-Fil-A, they hate the gays, and David Vitter hates the gays. At Chick-Fil-A, they have diaper-changing stations in the bathrooms, in case David Vitter needs his diaper changed. Read more on Whore-Sexing Sen. David Vitter Wiped Away Gay Marriage Tears With Greasy Chick-Fil-A Meat…
  Yeah we already got the memo

Senate Republicans Pass Meaningless ‘Budget’ Just To Prove They’re Dicks

Suck it, America
In another display of bold, big boy leadership, Senate Republicans just barely passed a budget resolution on Tuesday, which serves no purpose whatsoever other than putting on the record, again, that they are the party of terrible people who want to do terrible things to America. As if we didn’t already know. Read more on Senate Republicans Pass Meaningless ‘Budget’ Just To Prove They’re Dicks…
  Just needs a little fixin'

Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify

Still stoked that Chris Hayes used this back in February.
Always searching for the next great idea to keep America the pristine for-white-Christian-straight-dudes-only nation Jesus intended, Republicans in the House and Senate are pushing for a law to tweak the 14th Amendment just a tad: Read more on Republican Congress Does Not Care For All These Anchor Babies, Picks HOLY F*CK RACIST To Testify…
  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  How will they 'save' the Constitution next?

Hero Conservatives Will Fix Stupid Framers’ Dumb Constitution

Trivia question from the first week of the 114th Congress: What percentage of proposed changes to the United States Constitution were filed by members of the Constitution-waving, original intent-spouting, Founding Father-worshiping Republican Party? Read more on Hero Conservatives Will Fix Stupid Framers’ Dumb Constitution…
  Literally Unbelievable

Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So

There's nothing about Common Core hre, but we like the picture
The Tea Party of Louisiana does not like Common Core, not one darn bit! And on Monday, it issued a deeply disappointed and angry denunciation of Sen. David Vitter for supporting the standards, since the tea partiers had “always thought of Senator Vitter as a friend of Liberty,” but his support for Common Core gives them a sad. All pretty standard Tea Party stuff, until you get to their list of links at the end, so you could educate yourself on just how terrible this Common Core stuff is. The first item on the list is now gone from the Tea Party website, but happily, RightWingWatch grabbed a screenshot: Read more on Louisiana Tea Party Pretty Sure Common Core Makes Kids Gay, Since Fake News Site Said So…
  That's Ebola Baby!

Dr. Ben Carson, A Doctor, Thinks You Are Peeing Ebola

Obamacare can't save you from...Ebola!
Dr. Ben Carson has such a nice, calm demeanor and a soothing bedside manner that must have helped in his long career as a neurosurgeon. Perhaps if this whole running (maybe) for president thing doesn’t work out, he could find some work as a screenwriter for Troma. Because his scenario about a cash-strapped lab worker selling Ebola-infected urine to terrorists sounds hilarious. What happens after the terrorists get their hands on the Pee of Death? Do they slip it into Todd Starnes’s refrigerator? Read more on Dr. Ben Carson, A Doctor, Thinks You Are Peeing Ebola…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border

But how did she end up with Twilight Sparkle's panties on her head?
Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we collect all the stupidest stories that we couldn’t find a spot for and dump them in a junk drawer for you to sort through. You may want to wash your brain afterward! Read more on Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border…
  no not that kind of emission

GOP Heroes Will Shut Down Government Before They Let EPA Communists Force You To Breathe Clean Air

Are you ready for some déjà vu? The Obama Administration is looking to implement a policy that will lead to healthier Americans. And once again, the GOP is frothing and foaming and throwing a temper-tantrum because they fucking HATE healthy (post-embryotic) Americans! And the kicker: they might just shut down the government, take their toys, and go home unless they get their way: President Obama’s new climate change rule could result in a partial government shutdown this fall if Republicans attempt to block the regulations through the appropriations process. Let’s sexsplore why Republicans are determined to ensure you live a short, unhealthy life.  Read more on GOP Heroes Will Shut Down Government Before They Let EPA Communists Force You To Breathe Clean Air…
  the wrong kind of badger

WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)

Hey ladies. You know how the GOP is all wanting you to like them? And not just like them, but like them like them, because of how you are all slutty whoremonsters who vote for Democrats? Well, the Wisconsin State Assembly GOP Majority Leader is seeking to give ‘women’s outreach’ his personal touch. Unfortunately, he did not take the Boehner-approved class on good touch/bad touch, per the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel: Assembly Majority Leader Bill Kramer may resign from his leadership post as soon as Saturday after being accused of sexually harassing at least two women while in Washington, D.C., for a GOP fundraiser. Protip for all GOP officials: don’t take a hands-on approach to give that personal touch to women voters, because Mad Men is a teevee show and not real life anymore.  Read more on WI Majority Leader Likes To Put His Hands On Ladies’ Boobs or Butts, We Don’t Know Which, Maybe Both (Allegedly)…
  does getting a blowjob count as job creation?

Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention

Even though our Kenyan Dictator B. Barry Bamz was re-crowned only last year, it is already time to start thinking about the next Presidential election, which also means it is still time to stab ourselves in the eye with a spork everytime Chris Cillizza soils the pages of the Washington Post with the latest meaningless poll about 2016 hopefuls. But before the GOP can keep minorities from voting in 2016, there have to be official nominating conventions where actors talk to empty chairs or something. Cities fight hard to get picked for the conventions because prestige money. And one city vying for the Republican convention is Las Vegas, Nevada. But our old pal Stormin’ Mormon Harry Reid is throwing some cold water on those prospects, per the Reno Gazette-Journal: “I have been supportive of them on that,” Reid said about the push to bring the GOP convention to Las Vegas, “But that (prostitution) would be an issue.” There are unconfirmed reports that Sen. David Vitter (R-John) is going to personally investigate these prostitutes to see if they will be a distraction.  Read more on Harry Reid Wants To Save Nevada Prostitutes From 2016 Republican National Convention…
  he luvs LA

Nation Facing Critical Diaper-Pun Shortage As David Vitter Announces Run For Louisiana Luvs, Er, Guv

In a move immediately deemed “good for comedy,” Sen. David Vitter announced today that he will run for governor of Louisiana in 2015. Since Bobby Jindal is term-limited, Vitter will only have to run against less well-known Republicans in the primaries, and already has a pantsload of money to begin campaigning with — even before the announcement, a pro-Vitter super PAC had already raised $1.5 million. Vitter has the built-in advantages of name recognition and popularity, but it remains to be seen whether he will be able to lie as creatively about state issues as he has about Obamaphones and senate staffers’ “subsidies” for Obamacare. We bet he can! Read more on Nation Facing Critical Diaper-Pun Shortage As David Vitter Announces Run For Louisiana Luvs, Er, Guv…
  shut up you fucking baby

Diapered Angerbear David Vitter Would Like To Maximize America’s Ability To Humiliate The Poor

Hi there, and welcome to our newest episode of David Vitter Is Being A Dick Again. We know you’ve all been breathlessly awaiting this, as you’ve been on cliffhanger tenterhooks: will he be whining about how there is not enough sweet government cash coming into Louisiana even though he doesn’t believe in government cash going anywhere? Is he cockblocking — or in his case, diaperblocking — one of Obama’s cabinet nominations? Is he playing politics with Congressional staffers’ lives and pocketbooks? Haha no, silly, this is a new season so David Vitter is being a dick in entirely new and interesting ways. Read more on Diapered Angerbear David Vitter Would Like To Maximize America’s Ability To Humiliate The Poor…
  fight for your right to discriminate

Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay

You know what sucks about being an American? When the big bad government steps in and says that you have to treat all people the same, even if they are not like you. First, they came for our lunch counters, and now they are coming for our discrimination against gays. Luckily, there are some patriotic senators who think this whole “all men created equal” thing has gone too far, and are willing to stand up for your god-given mandated right to discriminate against things you find icky. Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) has introduced a bill that, according to ThinkProgress, “guarantees that businesses and even government employees can refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage and discriminate against anybody who engages in premarital sex.” It’s about time someone stood up for the oppressed Christianist majority, who keep on being persecuted by being forced to follow the same law as everyone else, like they are not even special or set apart or anything! Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…