Tag Archives: david petraeus

  got his cover blown

Drudge Sirens: Gen. David Petraeus Resigns CIA Due To Spying … Between The Sheets

CIA Director David Petraeus has submitted his resignation, admitting that he’d had an extramarital affair and had exercised “extremely poor judgement.” Petraeus is likely to be replaced on an interim basis by deputy CIA director Mike Morrell, according to Administration sources eager to reassure Americans that the CIA will continue to send killer robots to rain death upon the nation’s enemies. Read more on Drudge Sirens: Gen. David Petraeus Resigns CIA Due To Spying … Between The Sheets…
  barry can you hear me?

Barry Obama’s Donnie Darko ‘Easter’ Adventure

Greetings, asshandlers! ‘Tis I, the greatest of Friday authoresses, here to impart wisdom and Journalistik Insightz about something other than the fucking Great White Wedding of the Year. While it is funzies to watch a nice rich inbred “English” boy whose real surname is “Saxe-Coburg and Gotha” mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears, it is even better to watch President Barack Obama present his freedman papers to the mob of angry stupid Amurrrican whites with their lynchin’ ropes and their switches, i.e., your asshole grandparents and idiot cousins. Let us dive into the weekly column that ought to be called Zebra Beat, because it follows this president who is BLACK AND WHITE BOTH AT ONCE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! As per usual, our guide is Official White House Pornographer Arun Chaudhary’s West Wing Week. He is like Leni Riefenstahl, but a dude and One of the Good Guys! Also: unlikely to carve out a future as an octogenarian photographer of coral reef action. Anyway, on to the Barry! Read more on Barry Obama’s Donnie Darko ‘Easter’ Adventure…
  war all the time

Petraeus Cites ‘Progress’ In Killing Taliban Guys For 10 Years Straight

War schlub David Petraeus did one of his “report cards to the Senate” things today, and he’s got good news! Despite never accomplishing* a single thing in 10 years of bloody, pointless, horrific boondoggle Central Asian warfare, “It is only recently that we have gotten the inputs right in Afghanistan.” Oh, now we get it! Afghanistan is like an old person trying to plug in an iPad. No, wait, the iPad wasn’t yet invented when we invaded Afghanistan. The iPhone? Nope. The Microsoft Zune? Ha ha, the Zune’s entire life has come and gone during just the second half (so far) of the Afghanistan occupation. Well how about an old-school iPod, with Grampa (who was much younger then!) just cold confused over that weird Apple firewire plug? No, sorry. The invasion of Afghanistan began on October 7, 2001 — the first clunky iPod went on sale several weeks later, on October 23. Read more on Petraeus Cites ‘Progress’ In Killing Taliban Guys For 10 Years Straight…
  it's morning in america

The Battle Of ‘Meet the Press’

General Petraeus is on the scene in Afghanistan — and by “Afghanistan” we mean “the Sunday morning political talk shows, in America” — to announce his intention to just stone cold win this war for you, whether you like it or not. “The president didn’t send me over here to seek a graceful exit,” Petraeus said, as he made his plans for a bloody, desperate exit midway through President Palin’s first term. In order to achieve these goals, he’s bringing in all the folks who helped him out in Iraq, including some dude from the American Enterprise Institute. Read more on The Battle Of ‘Meet the Press’… Read more on The Battle Of ‘Meet the Press’…
  war on war

Robert Gates: Our Confusion & Chaos Should Not Lead Anyone To Believe We Are Doomed

The Pentagon Men are having some kind of teleconference via MSNBC to tell America’s Enemies (TM) that, look, just because we’ve been flailing around in Afghanistan for a decade with no real mission or logic, and just because our U.S. military commander there was an insane insubordinate redneck who ran his own warlord fiefdom based on violent assholes and Bud Lime, and just because we’re sending a new guy who most recently keeled over because John McCain looked at him weird, well NONE of that means this “confusion and chaos” should be mistaken for weakness or failure. So don’t go misconstrue this, America’s Enemies in your own Opium/Allah empire-crushing Central Asian Mad Max-land. Be mindful of the intricacies! Read more on Robert Gates: Our Confusion & Chaos Should Not Lead Anyone To Believe We Are Doomed…
 

HaHa David Petraeus Won’t Be Running For President In 2012 Now

Barack Obama has supposedly chosen David Petraeus as new commander of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan, even though John McCain made Petraeus faint last week at the Capitol. So no David Petraeus for President in 2012. This has been a Wonkette 2012 Update. [AP] Read more on HaHa David Petraeus Won’t Be Running For President In 2012 Now…
  this is our zapruder film

John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death

Mummified windbag John McCain was jabbering his usual nonsense during a Senate Armed Services hearing today when star witness General David Petraeus just keeled over. Why does McCain hate the Troops? Read more on John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death…
 

Fancypants Gen. Petraeus Gets Promotion, It’ll Be Steaks For Dinner Tonight!

David Petraeus is the only General in the military anymore, so when any new General’s Job opens, he has to take it. Defense Secretary Bob “I Exist?” Gates today promoted Petraeus to head U.S. Central Command (a.k.a. CENTCOM, BWAH BWAH!), leaving Iraq in the hands of Lt. Gen. Raymond Odierno. Expect MoveOn.org to rename this new guy something like “Odier? NO!” in the coming weeks. [Reuters] Read more on Fancypants Gen. Petraeus Gets Promotion, It’ll Be Steaks For Dinner Tonight!…
 

Joe Biden Was Extremely Horny Yesterday

Yeah yeah, so Barack Obama had some silly little questions about battles at yesterday’s Senate hearings. The little twerp and his Columbia/Harvard “policy” doublespeak. The real tuff questions were asked by Senate Foreign Relation Committee chairman Joe Biden, the “Chris Matthews of the Senate.” Namely — tell me about all kissing going on in Iraq, General Petraeus? Is it hot and can I get some? Read more on Joe Biden Was Extremely Horny Yesterday…
 

Hillary Clinton Asks Her Dumb Little ‘Questions’ About Iraq

Hillary Clinton pretended to be a senator during this morning’s Armed Services Committee hearings with Gen. David Petraeus and U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker. She asked him all sorts of questions about why Barack Obama is so dumb. That, and Iraq. Look at how seriously she speaks! She is such a Tuff Guy sometimes, especially when David Petraeus starts shooting at her with snipers. And if you want to see her introductory speech, it is after the jump. She is very serious in that one too! Does America was a serious president, or John McCain? Read more on Hillary Clinton Asks Her Dumb Little ‘Questions’ About Iraq…
 

Wonkette Operatives Cover Petraeus Hearing On Capitol Hill!

A reader writes, “Did you check out Dana Milbank of the Washington Post‘s antics two rows over Petraeus’s right shoulder during his opening statement? Squirming, standing, twisting, straining to read the Code Pink banners, paying no attention to any of Petraeus’s comments about life and death nor the situation on the ground in Iraq – just making a complete and utter nuisance and distraction of himself?” Why yes, yes we did — we believe he was even caught on film. [Photo via NYT] Read more on Wonkette Operatives Cover Petraeus Hearing On Capitol Hill!…
 

Wait, People Are Quoting Petraeus Now?

Nutters send us angry e-mails every day, all day long, so it takes something special to really get our attention — usually, untreated schizophrenia is a great way to “make it” on Wonkette. But today, we offer you a glimpse into a secret and very tiny world … a world in which people, without irony, quote David Patraeus in their email sigs: Read more on Wait, People Are Quoting Petraeus Now?…
 

Shocker: More than 44 Congressional Dems who voted to condemn MoveOn.org took cash from MoveOn.org! Before MoveOn.org did the thing that they are now condemning them for… so all of these Dems are hypocrites! Or they are refreshingly not beholden to their campaign contributers, whichever one makes for a better Politico exclusive. Well, in this case, it can be both. Isn’t ginned-up false outrage fun? THEY CALLED GENERAL PETRAEUS A MEAN NAME. And what the hell is going on in the illustration, guys? [Politico] Read more on …
 

Partly Cloudy With Chance of Shame

This week, General Petraeus, James Carville, Wesley Clark, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger, Sam Brownback, and Mary Cheney were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump. Read more on Partly Cloudy With Chance of Shame…
 

Day Two of the Betray-Us Hearings

There are more hearings with Petraeus and Crocker today?? Didn’t we solve the war in Iraq yesterday?? It’s 9/11! We wanted to observe like a day-long moment of silence but apparently we’re supposed to be paying attention to this congress stuff. Anyway — Biden is being a dick, like usual. But not really that blowhardy! Chris Dodd was at Walter Reed talking to a kid who lost an eye… apparently yesterday was for Petraeus to give his report, by him, that he wrote, about how things are improving, slowly, and today is for Democrats with big hair to shout abuse at him. Then the war will go on forever and ever and ever until President Socks Clinton announces that Iraq is stable and we can retreat to our huge permanent military base there. To watch for today: Read more on Day Two of the Betray-Us Hearings…