David Petraeus is the only General in the military anymore, so when any new General’s Job opens, he has to take it. Defense Secretary Bob “I Exist?” Gates today promoted Petraeus to head U.S. Central Command (a.k.a. CENTCOM, BWAH BWAH!), leaving Iraq in the hands of Lt. Gen. Raymond Odierno. Expect MoveOn.org to rename this new guy something like “Odier? NO!” in the coming weeks. [Reuters]

Yeah yeah, so Barack Obama had some silly little questions about battles at yesterday’s Senate hearings. The little twerp and his Columbia/Harvard “policy” doublespeak. The real tuff questions were asked by Senate Foreign Relation Committee chairman Joe Biden, the “Chris Matthews of the Senate.” Namely — tell me about all kissing going on in Iraq, General Petraeus? Is it hot and can I get some? MORE »

Hillary Clinton pretended to be a senator during this morning’s Armed Services Committee hearings with Gen. David Petraeus and U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker. She asked him all sorts of questions about why Barack Obama is so dumb. That, and Iraq. Look at how seriously she speaks! She is such a Tuff Guy sometimes, especially when David Petraeus starts shooting at her with snipers. And if you want to see her introductory speech, it is after the jump. She is very serious in that one too! Does America was a serious president, or John McCain? MORE »

A reader writes, “Did you check out Dana Milbank of the Washington Post’s antics two rows over Petraeus’s right shoulder during his opening statement? Squirming, standing, twisting, straining to read the Code Pink banners, paying no attention to any of Petraeus’s comments about life and death nor the situation on the ground in Iraq - just making a complete and utter nuisance and distraction of himself?”

Why yes, yes we did — we believe he was even caught on film. [Photo via NYT]

Nutters send us angry e-mails every day, all day long, so it takes something special to really get our attention — usually, untreated schizophrenia is a great way to “make it” on Wonkette. But today, we offer you a glimpse into a secret and very tiny world … a world in which people, without irony, quote David Patraeus in their email sigs: MORE »

Shocker: More than 44 Congressional Dems who voted to condemn MoveOn.org took cash from MoveOn.org! Before MoveOn.org did the thing that they are now condemning them for… so all of these Dems are hypocrites! Or they are refreshingly not beholden to their campaign contributers, whichever one makes for a better Politico exclusive. Well, in this case, it can be both. Isn’t ginned-up false outrage fun? THEY CALLED GENERAL PETRAEUS A MEAN NAME. And what the hell is going on in the illustration, guys? [Politico]

This week, General Petraeus, James Carville, Wesley Clark, Donald Rumsfeld, Henry Kissinger, Sam Brownback, and Mary Cheney were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

MORE »

There are more hearings with Petraeus and Crocker today?? Didn’t we solve the war in Iraq yesterday?? It’s 9/11! We wanted to observe like a day-long moment of silence but apparently we’re supposed to be paying attention to this congress stuff. Anyway — Biden is being a dick, like usual. But not really that blowhardy! Chris Dodd was at Walter Reed talking to a kid who lost an eye… apparently yesterday was for Petraeus to give his report, by him, that he wrote, about how things are improving, slowly, and today is for Democrats with big hair to shout abuse at him. Then the war will go on forever and ever and ever until President Socks Clinton announces that Iraq is stable and we can retreat to our huge permanent military base there. To watch for today: MORE »

* Obnoxious Code Pink protesters have been causing scenes and then getting escorted out about every 20 minutes. Duncan Hunter called them assholes because he thought his mic was turned off!
* Petraeus’s mic didn’t work, and then it did, and then we got bored listening to him.
* Someone claims Ike Skelton (D) told some other Rep to go fuck himself but we didn’t hear that.
* Ryan Crocker reports that Saddam Hussein liked to torture people. Also Iraq had no Nelson Mandela.
* The last protester was really shouty.

This is General Petraeus’s testimony, that he wrote, all by himself, without help. By David Petraeus. Also it’s v hot in Iraq.

Are you are as PSYCHED for David Petraeus’s Congressional testimony as we are? We are AMPED for some mild reservations about decreasing our troop presence! We are JONESING for some declarations of SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS. Let’s GRADUALLY ROLL BACK THE SURGE AFTER GIVING IT A FEW MORE MONTHS TO WORK, PEOPLE!
Graphic from MoveOn via Copyranter