Wonkette

We’ve got more than three amigos for you this week because Wonk’d doesn’t take snow days, even in a celebrity storm like this one: Vicente Fox doing his Borat impersonation, Bill Cosby not eating at Ben’s, Fred Barnes with his head in the ground, and Joe “That’s Right Motherfuckers” Lockhart partying with some girls who are way past wild and into ludicrous, also Ludacris.

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This week’s Wonk’d hits close to home, as everyone spotted looks spaced out and bitter. Laura Bush’s face lets George know that if she’s gonna be up early she better have a drink in her hand, and Dennis Kucinich may not need that particular poison, but he’s got his own way to relax. Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer party at South East’s most deluxe Chinese joint, George Stephanopoulos shows he has almost mastered the art of exchanging money for goods and services, and Andrew Sullivan pays for WiFi from The Man just to avoid being spotted at the free place down the street, and ends up here anyway. These aggravated big-shots and last week’s douchiness explained — if you can begrudge us another click.

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Our New York siblings posted this earlier today, but it’s David Gregory, and we all know that David Gregory, heckler and secret lover of three White House press secretaries, rightfully belongs to Washingtonians. David, it seems, had a bit of trouble filling in for Matt Lauer on the Today Show. Let this be a lesson to you, David: you need to stay in DC. The drugs are apparently less potent here. MORE »

It’s all cheap asses and skinflints in today’s Wonk’d with Clarence Thomas splurging on sesame chicken for his clerks, John Ashcroft trying to get to The Front Page before the free taco happy hour ends, and David Gregory hassling the hardest working independent booksellers in America. These succulent morsels plus what Mark Warner is still running for, and a GILF you’ve forgotten was still alive.

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Aging rocker Joe Perry is no match for the truly aged Jack Valenti, though they’d both get broken hips if they ever collided with always-in-a-hurry Chris Matthews. These and pathetically little else, after the jump.

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• Heard on the Hill: Ricky Martin on the Hill to talk about human trafficking, won’t break into song… The Distilled Spirits Council and the Scotch Whisky Association is throwing a party for Prince Andrew (not the Nazi). [Roll Call]
• Yeas and Nays: Heath Shuler, former Redskin, current Congressional candidate, owes a shitload of back taxes… LAT: “Bourbon drinkers tend to be Republican; gin is more often a Democrat’s drink.” Tell that that to… uh, us. [Examiner]
• Reliable Source: O Magazine declares David Gregory, Barack Obama, Fareed Zakaria, and Patrick Fitzgerald to be among the 50 “Sexiest Men Alive.” [WP]
• Rush & Molloy: Chaos at FoxNews as marital problems between Brit Hume and wife/DC bureau head Kim lead to her departure from the bureau. [NYDN]
• Under the Dome: Rep. Chris Dodd (D-CT) is Catholic, wife is Mormon. Dodd: “At Bob Jones University, we are now a two-cult family”… “Rep. John Sweeney (R-N.Y.) has proudly accepted a $1,000 contribution from a strip-club owner.” [The Hill]

Washington people just never quit working. Bill Kristol rises early to have breakfast with congressmen, Michael Chertoff spends Friday nights securing the homeland’s movie theaters, and Valerie Plame reads political non-fiction on street corners cause she can’t get enough. And kindly father Alito (at right — ain’t he loveable?) spends his weekends carting his daughter’s luggage all over 37th street. This plus philandering soccer players, jaywalking TV gangsters, and mustachioed wrestlers, after the jump!

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A visibly tired President Bush, back from his surprise visit to Iraq, just concluded an hour-long press conference. It took place in the Rose Garden, and most of the questions focused on Iraq. MORE »

This week’s pre-Memorial Day edition of Wonk’d has everyone’s favorite White House golden boy, Karl Rove, and original press nightmare, Ari Fleischer, in good seats watching the Nationals. Some of the senior citizens in our government, like Antonin Scalia and Donald Rumsfeld, must think baseball is for kids — they only go to fancy parties. Maybe when Scooter Libby and Matt Cooper learn to dress properly, they’ll get invited out too. If he needs to get somewhere, Matt will probably be on Metro, along with his buddy Andy Card, as opposed to being chauffeured everywhere like carbon-hoarding Barack Obama. It’s three whole days before any more Wonk’d, so get everything you can now, after the jump!

So many games, festivals, and parties in Washington these days, and the in-crowd can’t stay away. If you see one of them, let us know by email, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line, along with the powerbroker’s (or shill’s, or actor’s, of foreign head-of-state’s) name. You send ‘em, we print ‘em - everybody wins!

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This week DC was packed with has-beens and also-rans, still probably looking better than everyone else. Chuck Norris enjoyed a steak, but wasn’t on a stake-out. Bo Derek has traded in the couture for the sale down the street. Madeleine Albright has a book to hawk (but she’s a dove), Ari Fleischer thinks his Blackberry has too many buttons, and Grover Norquist wants everyone to know how his name is spelled. Plus your latest installment of “Where is George Stephanopoulos This Week?,” and a raft of reality TV stars must have washed up on the banks of the Potomac. Test your memory after the jump!

The month of May has come, when every lusty heart beginneth to blossom, and to bring forth fruit! Readers, bring forth fruit in the form of sightings, then send the juicy tidbits to us via email, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line (along with the name of your heart’s desire!). Flourish in tipstery deeds! Gracious thanks!

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