Haha Bill Clinton, who even is this guy? Not that you would even know this by reading the corrosive falsehoods spread by the so-called media, but back in the 90s, he was the victim survivor of a “vast right-wing conspiracy,” a phrase he and his wife cold made up that quickly became one of the Clintons’ buzzy catchphrases. And Bill Clinton’s vast right-wing conspiracy, or BCVRWC as it is known in the BCVRWC secret dungeon planning control chamber, is as sinister and formidable as ever! Its henchmen are everywhere, and they continue to accuse Barack Obama of murdering Vince Foster. Clinton will simply not stand for this! MORE »

So we did a midsummer slow news day’s Wonk’d yesterday and what do you know, another billion Wonk’d sightings arrived in out Tips Box this morning. It’s like you people can be easily manipulated by suggestion. “Here are some Wonkette readers sending us Wonk’d items … this means you must do the same, reader.” And it works! (Next time we’ll subliminally make you do something vulgar in the Reflecting Pool.) Anyway, enjoy these eyewitness reports of Maria Shriver, Ralph Nader, Rahm Emanuel and Others doing whatever it is they do, in Washington! MORE »

How deeply must you despise your former running mate — the person you wanted America to accept as a perfectly good and safe president-in-waiting, just a few months ago — to be unable to fake a quick “Sure I support her” on a Sunday news-chat show? Here’s Old Walnuts McCain utterly unable to answer a simple question about Palin from David Gregory, because good lord, Palin is absolute human garbage. You’ve got to be some real dumb trash when even Republicans won’t support you. [YouTube/USA Today]

• CHUCK TODD TO DO MOST THINGS FOR NBC NEWS: Whoa hey it’s press release day at your Wonkette! “NBC News announced today that Chuck Todd has been named Chief White House correspondent,” NBC News announced in a press release. He will remain NBC News Political Director and will also become a regular contributor to Meet The Press, with David Gregory, who used to be Chief White House correspondent. Chuck Todd, everyone! [Sigh]. We would pay millions of dollars just to watch Chuck Todd describe Lake County, Indiana precinct returns at midnight one more time.

Here are two things we are very tired of typing about, every day: Will teevee’s Chris Matthews run for the American Senate? And, Did dancey boy David Gregory officially get dead Tim Russert’s job on Meet the Press? The final (?) answers: No he won’t, and Yes he did. [Gawker/Baltimore Sun]

• LAMERS: The Huffington Post hears from secret NBC people that America’s Safe Pick, David Gregory, has been tapped to host Meet The Press, replacing interim host Tom Brokaw, who can finally retire and fulfill his lifelong dream of fighting in World War II. If Gregory ends up being the official pick, then… then this really won’t affect our lives much at all. [HuffPo]

So who is this mysterious “David Gregory” who will replace Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews for MSNBC’s election coverage, ushering a nation of despairing libtards through the Debate Nightmares before dropping them off at the Tunnel of Doom on election day? A “seasoned political journalist” and known tall person, Gregory made his reportorial bones the old fashioned way: by dancing, repeatedly and embarrassingly, on television. A beautiful retrospective after the jump. MORE »

Due to not watching much teevee your Wonkette editors were generally spared the spectacular series of meltdowns Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann enjoyed during the conventions, but we understand it was pretty nuts: catty hand gestures and bickering like old lesbians and finally Keith Olbermann refusing to go to St. Paul for fear he would be “assassinated.” Now we can all breathe a sigh of relief because they will not be anchoring the debates or election night for MSNBC. MORE »

Hey, has anybody seen David Gregory’s show on the MSNBC, called, uh, That Thing Between Episodes of ‘Hardball’? Yeah, us neither. Apparently it features bottled heads in a spaceship, with David Gregory being very self-important in front of them. Unsurprisingly, people do not watch this show, and the gentleman who made his bones being a comically aggressive dick to George Bush in press conferences now finds his star on the wane. MORE »

Hey, remember this video of NBC’s White House correspondent, David Gregory, dancing to Mary J. Blige’s fantastic dance song? Well this same dancer is now replacing fired (HA HA) MSNBC host Tucker Carlson’s 6 - 7 p.m. spot with Race for the White House, which the press release calls “a fast-paced daily look at the latest election news.” And who doesn’t need more of that right now! But does the press release lie? According to the AP, the new program will be called Race for the White. A typo, or a HILLARY PLANT? [AP/Breitbart]

Huckles appeared on Today this morning (I assume) to explain why he wants to convert the Constitution into the Jesus Novel. It’s great how whenever he’s asked whether homosexuality is a sin, he responds, “Oh we’re all sinners, and now here’s a joke to change the subject!” And that subject always does get changed, even though he’s left us with the logical conundrum that all of our “sinful” tendencies should be banned by Constitutional amendments.