In his latest dramatic attempt to charm the remaining elitist Republicans out of their doomed party of dumb rednecks, Super-President Barack Obama went to George Will’s walled castle in suburban Maryland on Tuesday night to share arugula and vintage Bordeaux with all of Will’s douchebag columnist friends. David Brooks was there! So was the “lightning rod conservative,” Bill Kristol. Charles Krauthammer was there, too! Can you imagine a dinner party even 2% as fun as this one? MORE »

Here’s some year-old video clip of our old pal Tim Russert, before he died while actually working on this very program, Meet the Press, talking to known jackhole David Brooks about Barack Obama’s ability to read the minds of Republicans, and bend them to His will, so that’s why all the Republicans were so happy to vote for Obama. Also, an uncomfortable joke (?) about Jews, at the end, from Brooks. [Meet the Press]

According to Experts, the recently minted members of America’s middle class — the ones who got ARMs on their three-bedroom ranches in the exurbs and took out $600 a month car loans on their Ford Explorers and used credit cards to pay for their Starbucks Gargantua-chinos every morning — will now be sad hobos along with the rest of us. They will be the “former middle class.” But one traditionally neglected and sorely undervalued population should do quite well in the tough times ahead: sexy ladies of a certain age. MORE »

David Brooks is an actual MAD MAN! This is what he wrote last Friday in his farty little column: “Palin held up her end of an energetic debate that gave voters a direct look at two competing philosophies. She established debating parity with Joe Biden. And in a country that is furious with Washington, she presented herself as a radical alternative.” So in love! But now he’s 180ed again after realizing that the “radical alternative” she presented herself as was just a filthy malignant tumor — he called her “cancer,” ha ha ha, WHAT? MORE »

So David Brooks wrote an annoying little column today about this: “McCain started out with the same sort of kibitzing campaign style that he used to woo the press back in 2000. It didn’t work. This time there were too many cameras around and too many 25-year-old reporters and producers seizing on every odd comment to set off little blog scandals.” Those 25-year-old reporters and “little blog” rats should be proud of themselves, wouldn’t you think, if they were the ones not whorish enough to buy John McCain’s offers of friendship and let him get away with everything? MORE »

David Brooks allows a made-up reader to address him as “Mr. Kierkegaard” today in his column. Here is what “Existential in Exeter” asks Søren Kierkegaard, who is David Brooks, about Culture: “All my life I’ve been a successful pseudo-intellectual, sprinkling quotations from Kafka, Epictetus and Derrida into my conversations, impressing dates and making my friends feel mentally inferior. But over the last few years, it’s stopped working. People just look at me blankly. My artificially inflated self-esteem is on the wane. What happened?” David Brooks gets high and then answers — oh man, does he ANSWER — this question (which he actually wrote to himself after getting high, too). MORE »

God, David Brooks is a sap. His new terrible column is addressed to God — “God, Republicans are saps.” — and then it drags out some tortured split-personality analogy (”Dr. Barack” and, uh, “Fast Eddie”) that is supposed to suggest that Hopeful Obama is also an ambitious politician and may be “in it to win it.” MORE »

Here’s a fact: David Brooks wrote the worst column in American History this morning. Well, maybe of this week, or of this morning only. It was definitely the worst New York Times column he wrote today. It involves bird flu, or the measles, or some sort of viral “sensation” where Barack Obama is heroin and Hillary Clinton is the methadone clinic, and hippies are guided by invisible shark spirits. MORE »

David Brooks, in today’s New York Times, finally reveals what we suspected all along: he really doesn’t do any thinking for himself. Brooks unashamedly admits that he listens to songs from The O.C. soundtrack because “I just log on to iTunes and it tells me what I like.” He also drives where his car tells him to drive and doesn’t have a memory any more because Yahoo, Google and Wikipedia hijacked his cerebellum long ago. “I’m no longer clear on where I end and my BlackBerry begins,” he states, and this explains a lot, doesn’t it? It gets worse, though, because then he gets cosmic: “I have relinquished control over my decisions to the universal mind. I have fused with the knowledge of the cybersphere, and entered the bliss of a higher metaphysic.” We look forward to the day when Brooks receives his “lolcats” implant, because he’ll be way more entertaining when he finally does. MORE »

And just like that, TimesSelect is gone. Everyone can read year-old Bob Herbert columns again! For free and everything! We haven’t read a Times op-ed in two years (we did have a TimesSelect subscription, but still, it was kinda annoying). Thankfully the New York Times knows exactly what the nation needs right now, and they’ve given us, on this, the first day of totally free content in so long, the trifecta of terribly annoying and increasingly irrelevant columnists: David “BoBos Drive Like This” Brooks, Maureen “All the Democrats Are Pussies Except Hillary Who is a Dyke” Dowd, and Thomas “My Dr. Phil Mustache Is Here to Reassure You That Losing That Manufacturing Job Was a Good Thing” Friedman. Ye gods put it back behind the paywall, please. Yes, we did read them all. We’ll save you the trouble: MORE »

MORE »