Tag Archives: david barton

  The similarities are EERIE

Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress

This is how I felt after I freed the slaves!
The House Of Representatives is going into recess for two weeks, which means that ethically challenged CongressCheeks Aaron Schock had to do to his “So Long, Farewell” speech a few days early. Schock had previously promised to resign effective March 31, since the feds have started Just Asking about the various private planes, Katy Perry shows, and romance trips to India that Schock seems to have been spending taxpayer money on. Speaking to the House floor on Thursday, Schock said the usual blah blah about how he was grateful for the opportunity to serve the people in Peoria, God has a plan, etc. He stated that The Good Book (didn’t specify which, probably one of Martha Stewart’s guides to Good Things) says that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” He did not add, “and you looked FABULOUS!” Read more on Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors

Sudo bring me a muffin.
It’s time for another Derp Roundup, the occasional feature where we pressure-wash all the crud off our open browser tabs and bring you some stories that didn’t quite merit their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. Please administer brain bleach with caution. Read more on Derp Roundup: Biblical Computer Programming, Obama’s Race Czar, And Other Horrors…
  back in suffragette city

‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims

It’s been a little while since we’ve checked in with America’s Worst “Historian,” David Barton; last time we talked about him was in November, when he was explaining the science of how Abortion causes climate change. Following that detour into the sciences, he seems to have returned to his primary field of study, lying about American history. On his exciting “Wallbuilders Live” podcast Thursday — which you should listen to if only for the red-white-and-bluegasm theme song, complete with fighter jet flyover — Barton made up a nice story about why women weren’t given the vote when the Constitution was written: It’s because the Founders wanted to preserve the American family, which would be riven by strife if women were allowed to vote differently from their husbands. How very true this might be, if only you close your eyes and wish hard enough! Read more on ‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims…
  the prince of peace is coming to kick ass

‘Jesus Was Buff’ Wingnut Rewriting Bible Again, Says Jesus Will Return With An AR-15

Time for another visit to the headspace of retired Army general and Family Research Council loony Jerry Boykin, who likes him a big beefy Manly Jesus with big muscles and man stank, and his newest foray into eschatology is just as creative. You see, Jesus is not some wimpy peacenik commie like the comsymp libs might want you to believe. Hell no. Jesus is getting ready to return to earth with an AR-15 so he can lay down some glorious .223 caliber slaughter of the unrighteous — and to hell with the ATF, he’s enabled full automatic fire. Read more on ‘Jesus Was Buff’ Wingnut Rewriting Bible Again, Says Jesus Will Return With An AR-15…
  it's raining fetuses

Weird ‘Historian’ David Barton Has Science Figured Out: Abortion Did Climate Change

David Barton, the fake historian who likes finding true facts about guns in Louis L’Amour novels and who wrote a whole book full of lies about Thomas Jefferson, is branching out from fake history into fake atmospheric science. In a recent YouTube chat with fellow evangelical thought leader Kenneth Copeland — who likes science so much his anti-vaccination church was the epicenter of a measles outbreak — Barton explained that Earth’s climate can only be explained in terms of God’s direct intervention in the atmosphere. And it turns out that God pays very close attention to election results, so extreme weather turns out to be the direct result of how Americans vote. It remains to be seen how the Almighty will punish America for Republican losses at the top of the ticket in Virginia yesterday, or whether His Hand of Vengeance will be stayed by the re-election of Chris Christie. Read more on Weird ‘Historian’ David Barton Has Science Figured Out: Abortion Did Climate Change…
  total eclipse of the smarts

Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing

After all the sex and excitement of the Revolutionary War and the writing of the Constitution, our American History textbooks for Christian schools present us with something of a challenge: there’s just not all that much crazy for them to say about the following few decades of history. Sure, there’s a lot of stuff that has to go on the test, but when’s the last time you got wrapped up in an argument about the Monroe Doctrine or the X Y Z Affair? And so our Christian textbooks manage to get through stuff like the Louisiana Purchase and the War of 1812 without any particular fuss. Still, when comparing these books to secular textbooks, you develop a Vincent Vega-like appreciation of the little differences, like their discussion of Thomas Jefferson’s heresies, or their condemnation of Native Americans’ being led astray by “superstition.” Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing…
  Blazing Twaddle

Genius of History David Barton Finds Reliable Gun Facts In Louis L’Amour Novel

(updated with correction; see note at end) So, what new amazing tales of actual history as she truly happened does floppy-brained fact buggerer David Barton have for us this week? As you may recall, Barton, the Christianist “historian” whose recent book on Thomas Jefferson was so full of fabrications that his own publisher recalled it, was recently featured in Your Wonkette when he claimed that the real problem with guns in U.S. America is that we simply don’t have them with us at all times — after all, he reasoned, in Colonial times, when everyone had a muzzle-loader at the ready, there aren’t any accounts of accidental shootings, so if everyone today were to keep a 9-millimeter in their waistband, almost nobody would ever shoot his Glock off. Well, it turns out that the topic of guns is pretty darn popular at the moment, so Barton has been having himself a fine old time with tales of how in America’s Good Old Days, an armed populace kept everyone happy and free. Arm teachers? Better yet, why not arm the kids, too? As we see in the video up top, that idea is grounded in the very best Authentic Frontier Gibberish available — after all, it convinced even a skeptical tough guy like Glenn Beck! This week, we learned that Barton’s tale appears to come from an unimpeachable source of knowledge on the Old West — a 1979 novel by Louis L’Amour, Bendigo Shafter. Read more on Genius of History David Barton Finds Reliable Gun Facts In Louis L’Amour Novel…
  Shooting Off His Mouth Again

Genius Of History David Barton Claims Founding Fathers Were Awesomest At Guns

Serial fact-molester David Barton has opened his fool mouth and allowed utter bullshit to fall out again, which we suppose means it’s Tuesday. Barton, the genius who believes that many parts of the Constitution are “direct quotations” from the Bible, said yesterday on his dumb radio show that if everybody carried guns all the time, we’d stop being afraid of guns because we’d be familiar with them. Also, nobody would have gun accidents anymore, again because we’d all be very familiar with our guns. As proof, he says that gun accidents were very rare during the America’s early era, again, because Americans just become better people with guns and Bibles at hand. Sure! Why not? Read more on Genius Of History David Barton Claims Founding Fathers Were Awesomest At Guns…
  Just Corporate Criminals Playin' with Tanks

Televangelist Explains How His Jebus Books Brought Down The Berlin Wall

You may have thought that the Berlin Wall was brought down by the economic and political bankruptcy of the East German government in 1989, or maybe because of the impromptu actions of enthusiastic Berliners who just kind of spontaneously went all nutty and freedomy and sledge-hammery, or perhaps even as a result of delayed echoes from a 1987 sonic attack by Ronald Reagan, but last week we learned that all of these hypotheses were incorrect! What really did it, according to televangelist Kenneth Copeland, was a handful of East German fundamentalists who were “talking to [the Wall] in the name of Jesus,” and telling it to fall down for years and years, and “just suddenly one day, thpppppppt, down it went.” Read more on Televangelist Explains How His Jebus Books Brought Down The Berlin Wall…
  Why cut Public TV when you can just ruin it?

Alabama Public TV Execs Fired For Not Loving Made-Up Christian History Show

The board that oversees Alabama’s Public TV network has fired two top managers who, for some crazy reason, didn’t want to go along with board members’ innovative programming idea to air a 10-part revisionist history of the US produced by renowned fake historian David Barton. After news of the June 12 firings broke, four members of the Alabama Educational Television Foundation Authority, which raises funds for Public TV in the state, resigned in protest. No word yet on whether the network will now start replacing fundraising tote bags with Praise Pouches. According to public media blog Current, no specific reason was given by the board for firing Alabama Public TV’s director Allan Pizzato and deputy director and chief financial officer Pauline Howard. Pizzato diplomatically cited “irreconcilable difference in opinion of the future direction of the station,” but the likely reason is that the two executives objected to the board’s desire to air The American Heritage Series, a series produced by Wall Builders, the fundamentalist group that Barton has formed to tell Americans the “real” history of America, in which the Founders were all Christians, the Constitution doesn’t separate church and state, and Thomas Jefferson had a total boner for theocracy. Read more on Alabama Public TV Execs Fired For Not Loving Made-Up Christian History Show…
  america's next president

Huckabee Plans To Make All Americans Watch Jesus Wingnut ‘At Gunpoint’

America’s forgotten “Man From Hope,” Mike Huckabee, never even came close to winning the GOP nomination in 2008. But he’s still sort of half-trying to run in 2012, so of course he is pandering wildly to the fringe “Christian Supremacist” bible-college nutters who are the true heirs to our national heritage of illiterate preachers going from town to town trying to rile up the yokels enough to fill the “love offering” buckets and fill up the Lincoln Continental and pay off the hookers and the hooch man and get across the state line before the sheriff figures out what happened. So here’s some video of Huckabee at the “Rediscover God in America” regional convention, yucking it up about his plans to press guns to the skulls of all 309 million Americans so they don’t try to escape the TeeVee Set when Huckabee begins the 24-hour channel devoted to the insane historical fiction of dingbat weirdo David Barton. (This will be the only channel on all 479 satellite and cable channels in America, once Huckabee becomes “Pastor In Chief.”) Read more on Huckabee Plans To Make All Americans Watch Jesus Wingnut ‘At Gunpoint’…