Tag Archives: darrell issa

  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  everything you thought you knew is wrong

New York Times’ Detailed Investigation Ends Rancor Over Benghazi Forever

Over the weekend, the New York Times released its big investigative report on the September 11, 2012, attack on the diplomatic compound in Benghazi. The article by David Kirkpatrick suggested that several aspects of the rightwing narrative don’t hold water — particularly the claims that the “Innocence of Muslims” video had nothing to do with the attack, that the attack had been planned far in advance, and that it was an al Qaeda operation. The thorough report led critics of the Obama administration to say, “Ah, we see. Well, so much for that, then. So maybe it wasn’t Watergate plus Pearl Harbor times 9/11 after all.” Haha, we are simply “taking the urine” there! Of course the wingnut brigade took issue with the report, because everyone knows that no one in Libya had access to Egyptian TV reports about the video (or if they did, they simply shrugged off its mockery of the prophet Mohammed, because rioting over a video is just silly). And everyone knows that all radical Islamic groups are part of al Qaeda, just like all biting dogs are pit bulls — this is just science. And everyone knows that the attack was planned in advance, because we all saw Darrel Issa on Fox News saying it was. Read more on New York Times’ Detailed Investigation Ends Rancor Over Benghazi Forever…
  hhs tells issa to suck it

No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?

When we first read this article about notorious cosmic dingleberry Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole), we seriously had a newsgasm. After cleaning up our computer screen, we have been laughing ever since, because… well, this is just so awesome, even though it is from Politico: The Health and Human Services Department told… Chairman Darrell Issa [R-CA] that it won’t turn over documents related to the security of the Healthcare.gov website because it can’t trust him to keep secret information that could give hackers a roadmap to wreak havoc on the system. Issa is apparently none too happy, last seen stomping his feet and whining and carrying on, showing his true colors as a shitty little titty-baby. Come, fellow wonkeroos of wonklandia, let’s awesomesplore an agency finally calling out Issa for being the despicable rat-fucking piece of human filth that he is.  Read more on No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?…
  a little more talk and a lot less action

In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again

Hey ladies. 2014 is around the corner, and that means that more GOP candidates will be mansplaining to you about how you shouldn’t be raped illegitimately and that military boys will be rapey boys so shut your mouth and make a goddam sammich. But this time around, the GOP wants to win over the Ovary-American vote. Not through legislation around equal pay or the ability to make decisions about their bodies, because that’s just silly. No, the GOP wants to learn its candidates to talk more better to the ladies, per Politico: The National Republican Congressional Committee wants to make sure there are no Todd Akin-style gaffes next year, so it’s meeting with top aides of sitting Republicans to teach them what to say — or not to say — on the trail, especially when their boss is running against a woman. In Merica, where 54% of the electorate are vagina-Americans, the majority of the House of Representatives needs to hold classes on how not to insult women. If this isn’t American Exceptionalism, we don’t know what is. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again…
  why won't the witness stop hitting himself?

Darrell Issa Takes Fake Obamacare Hearings On The Road, The Better To Exclude People Who Love Their New Insurance

We bet this will come as a huge surprise: In his traveling road show of “hearings” on the ACA rollout, Darrell Issa has hand-picked the people testifying, and has excluded people who want to speak in favor of the Affordable Care Act. In Gaston County, North Carolina, two women who requested to speak at the hearings told a local TV station that that they had written to Issa, saying they wanted to testify, but neither received a reply from his office. One of them, Dana Wilson of Charlotte, has Multiple Sclerosis and until the ACA had been unable to get any insurance at all. And while we can only tolerate Ed Schultz in very small doses, we really have to agree with him on this: “I’d like to see Issa tell this lady right here with MS that she is going to be denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition,” Schultz said, pointing at a shot of Wilson. “That’s what he wants. He’s protecting the corporations. Darrell Issa should be ashamed of himself for his one-sided political pandering.” Hahaha, Darrell Issa does not talk to people like her. Why would he? Read more on Darrell Issa Takes Fake Obamacare Hearings On The Road, The Better To Exclude People Who Love Their New Insurance…
  the intersection of failure and more failure

Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not

Well what do you know. Looks like our Kenyan Savior and Guiding Star Of Socialism Barack Mao Tsebama has been up to no good. Or at least, his minions have been snookering and hoodwinking us by manipulating the data. According to the New York Post, the Census Bureau was cooking the books on the monthly jobs data in the months leading up to the election, allegedly making the unemployment numbers seem better than they actually were! But fear not! Congress shall investimigate this latest SCANDAL, and that means only one thing: Rep. Darrell Issa is on the case. And this time, he decided to bring that goalie from the Mighty Ducks film, Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX), to help share the blame when all this turns out to be a big pile of nothingness. Which, of course it inevitably will be, because Issa is a terrible person who is also very incompetent at his job.  Read more on Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not…
  and his little dog too

House Nutball Caucus Files Articles Of Impeachment On Eric Holder, Elliot Richardson Still Dead

This has been a fun couple of days, what with watching the Cephalopod caucus in Congress run shrieking from the Affordable Care Act and dulling the pain by driving nails through our testicles and all. So you’ll forgive us if we missed the news that a few of the walking yeast infections on the Republican side of the House have filed articles of impeachment against Attorney General Eric Holder for the high crime of being a black man in charge of upholding laws instead of breaking them the way God and Rush Limbaugh intended. Ha ha, we’re kidding! Of course Eric Holder has done all sorts of crimes. Otherwise would such intellectual luminaries as Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Ted “YOLO” Yoho, and this friggin’ guy have gone to all the trouble? Let’s take a quick look at the four (four! Nixon only got three! Holder is worse than Nixon, INPEACH!) articles of impeachment and join these upstanding lawmakers as they beat AG New Black Panther Dolemite with their Nightsticks of Justice. Read more on House Nutball Caucus Files Articles Of Impeachment On Eric Holder, Elliot Richardson Still Dead…
  happy blovember

CBS News Bases Obamacare News Report On Lying Liar Darrell Issa, Because Who Needs Journalism Anyway?

It seems that CBS News has decided to celebrate Blovember. Unfortunately, not in any sexual way (sad face) but by blowing news story after news story. After the 60 Minutes debacle, CBS decided to air more right-wing talking points, because who needs “facts” and unbiased “news,” anyway? Recently, CBS News reported that an Obama administration official was kept in the dark about serious flaws in the Healthcare.gov website, based on “partial transcripts” that they somehow miraculously received from the “House Oversight Committee.” GIANT RED FLAG GUYS!! We know the weaseling, beady-eyed ne’er-do-well in charge of this committee, and have proved time and time and time again that he is a lying ass-clown who should never be believed because of all the lies that come out of his mouthhole. CBS News, you make us sad.  Read more on CBS News Bases Obamacare News Report On Lying Liar Darrell Issa, Because Who Needs Journalism Anyway?…
  this guy sucks harder than a drunk rick santorum

Pardon Us If We Are Mistaken, But Might Darrell Issa Possibly Be Trying To Sabotage Efforts To Fix Obamacare Website?

So last week we told you how Darrell Issa was being a total dickhole, which is only natural for one who has been projectile vomited from the dark depths of Satan’s nether-regions. Well, Issa followed through on his threat to subpoena Todd Park, the chief IT guy at the White House who is feverishly working to fix the healthcare.gov website. In an apparent attempt to be hipster-ironic, “Issa said Park’s “long history of involvement in the development and rollout of HealthCare.Gov” made his testimony crucial to ensuring the site gets fixed, according to The Hill. However, what might actually help ensure the site gets fixed would be to #LetToddWork. Yes, it’s a hashtag and a website and a movement and possibly a revolution, so let’s sexplore.  Read more on Pardon Us If We Are Mistaken, But Might Darrell Issa Possibly Be Trying To Sabotage Efforts To Fix Obamacare Website?…
  truth busy putting on shoes

Sun Rises In East, Darrell Issa Lies About It

We have let you down, Wonkeroos. It has been weeks — WEEKS — since we have brought you news of the Liarest Liar of all Liardom, Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Scrotum). But fear not! He’s slithered out from whatever unholy bunghole of repulsiveness he has been hibernating in, and has SHOCKINGLY been lying to the media. Was it a lie about the fake IRS scandal? Or perhaps BENGHAZI!!1!? No, no, dear friends. He is lying on Obamacare this time, according to Wonkette hero and multi-time nominee for Legislative Badass Elijah Cummings (D-MD)? Let’s sexplore.  Read more on Sun Rises In East, Darrell Issa Lies About It…
  return of the revenge of the bride of benghazi

Benghazi Must Be A Huge Scandal After All Because They Did A ’60 Minutes’ About It

The 9/11/12 Benghazi attacks are like a political Rorschach test designed by Hieronymus Bosch: It looks like a tragedy; no, it looks like a betrayal; no, treason! No, dummy, it’s our best chance against Hillary in 2016. Dust those rejected requests for additional security for fingerprints, Darrell! Our interpretation used to be “tragedy” but now it’s “tragedy we had sincerely hoped we did’t have to write about anymore.” Nope! Why, just last night, CBS did a 60 Minutes about Benghazi and how it’s a huge scandal or something. We didn’t watch it, but the transcript is very dramatic. It would have been less dramatic had they included certain facts — we’ll get to that in a minute — but who can blame them? They got the #Benghazi hashtag trending on Twitter something fierce for a few hours, and isn’t that what really matters? If it’s wrong to trivialize year-old tragedies to hit our political enemies, some  folks don’t want to be right. Read more on Benghazi Must Be A Huge Scandal After All Because They Did A ’60 Minutes’ About It…
  our long national nightmare is just beginning

Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit

Eight minutes can be a really long time. It’s about the amount of time it takes light from the sun to travel to the earth. Or in more earthly terms, it’s twice as long as Gary’s never-gonna-happen fantasy about Piper Perabo. But if you are an addled, half-brained drooling Tea-jadist, then it is just the right amount of time to give a standing ovation to Texi-Canadian ass-monkey Ted Cruz: Republican Sen. Ted Cruz received an eight-minute standing ovation upon his return to Texas this past weekend, despite an extended, hostile campaign from Democrats and the mainstream media to portray him as a dangerous extremist. Thanks, Daily Caller, for noting that the hostile campaign to portray Ted Cruz as a dangerous extremist is a ludicrous notion from the MSM and crazy libruls. Because causing billions of dollars to the economy FOR NOTHING is totally cool and not dangerous or extreme at all, no siree.  Read more on Texans Spend Eight Minutes In Heaven With Ted Cruz; Rest Of Nation Barely Resists Urge To Vomit…
  also will find the real arsonist

Darrell Issa To Investigate How Republicans’ Government Shutdown Is Totally Obama’s Fault Somehow

Investimagating IRSghazigate is so last season. That’s why House Oversight and Government Reform Chairman and theater producer Darrell Issa has discovered some new masturbatory material. He is going to investigate how the eeeeeevil Obama administration allowed Republicans to shut down the government and force the closure of national parks and memorials. But he has a REALLY good reason: some anonymous dude said a thing. Issa cited an “anonymous park service ranger” who was quoted as telling The Washington Times that “we’ve been told to make life as difficult for people as we can.” “If true, and I have no reason to doubt the truthfulness of that quote, it is indeed disgusting and despicable that the park service would do this,” Issa said at the hearing, being held jointly by his committee and the House Natural Resources Committee. An anonymous quote in the Washington Times? It doesn’t get any more airtight than that, does it? We definitely need Issa to get to the bottom of how this Republican shutdown is actually Obama’s fault — and, we are guessing, that is why we must REPEAL! and DEFUND! and IMPEACH! Read more on Darrell Issa To Investigate How Republicans’ Government Shutdown Is Totally Obama’s Fault Somehow…
  self-inflicted derp

Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby

If you woke up this morning and thought that there was a foul odor wafting through the universe, your senses were not deceiving you. Cosmic skidmark Darrell Issa (R-CA) is back in the news. This time it’s about his lawsuit against Attorney General Eric Holder and the whole Fast & Furious thingy. Apparently, Issa is acutely perturbed that his TWO-YEAR OLD lawsuit is hitting some roadblocks, per Slate: DOJ [The Department of Justice] asked the court to delay court proceedings, explaining that its appropriations had lapsed on Sept. 30, and that “Absent an appropriation, Department of Justice attorneys and employees are prohibited from working, even on a voluntary basis, except in very limited circumstances, including ‘emergencies involving the safety of human life or the protection of property.’” Well, this did not sit well with Issa, who filed a motion with the Court to make the DOJ keep working on this particular project, because… well, because Issa apparently doesn’t understand that when he votes to shut down the government, it means ALL the government, not just the parts he doesn’t like. Let’s see what a federal judge has to say.  Read more on Darrell Issa Gets Dressed Down By Federal Court Judge For Being Stupid, Arrogant Whiny-Baby…
  great idea man or GREATEST idea man?

Darrell Issa Will Burn Down Obamacare With Brand-New Obamacare

Febrile-brained titmouse Darrell Issa, taking a break from his ever-fruitless efforts to pin something, anything on someone, anyone over BENGHAZI!!11!!!, has turned his attention to replacing President Obama’s signature health-insurance law with some other plan that will ensure all Americans “have access to HC w/o breaking the bank.” Great idea, Darrell Issa! Almost four years after the president and his party actually managed to muscle a reform plan through and people are starting to realize they can get insurance that gives them access to HC w/o breaking the bank, you want to…replace that plan with a plan that gives access to HC w/o breaking the bank? As the kids say, smart take! Read more on Darrell Issa Will Burn Down Obamacare With Brand-New Obamacare…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium Of Contemptible Contretemps

Happy Saturday, you slugabeds! As you blearily try to shake off the residue of last night’s revelries, pour yourself another cuppa joe and treat yourself to a serving of our weekly concatenation of clinking, clanking, caligenous junk from the interwebs that was too stoopid to ignore altogether but that didn’t quite merit a full-length post. And we’ll even start your descent into hell gently, with a bad-news story that’s got a Nice Times kicker. By now, you’ve probably heard that Guido Barilla, the chairman of Italy’s Barilla pasta proudly joined the asshat brigade last week with his vow that the company’s ads would never feature same-sex families: “I would never do (a commercial) with a homosexual family, not for lack of respect but because we don’t agree with them. Ours is a classic family where the woman plays a fundamental role … In the interview, Barilla said he opposed adoption by gay parents, but was in favour of allowing gay marriage, which is not legal in Italy. … If gays “like our pasta and our advertising, they’ll eat our pasta, if they don’t like it then they will not eat it and they will eat another brand,” he said. Pretty impressive how he manages to dismiss both gays and women in a single statement there. The inevitable agita and talk of boycotts ensued, and Barilla issued one of those “sorry if anyone was offended” not-pologies. So there’s that. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Compendium Of Contemptible Contretemps…
  go team benghazi!

Benghazi, Part Eleventy Billion: The Return Of The Revenge Of The Bride Of Benghazi

It has been some time since we have heard anything about our old friend BENGHAAAAAAAZI!!111!!!! We are of course referring to the insidious act a year ago when Hillary Clinton traveled via wormhole to Libya to smother Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans with her vagina while one of her vast army of clones went to the White House to roofie President Obama, drag him out to the putting green on the South Lawn, and leave him to wake up thirteen hours later clutching a bloody nine-iron in his hand with vague memories of pummeling American heroes to death in a frenzy of murderous rage. It’s really the only scenario that makes sense. Ferret-faced yard gnome Darrell Issa has been hot on the trail of the cover-up. Yesterday he dragged Admiral Mike Mullen and Thomas Pickering, the two chairs of the State Department’s Accountability Review Board on the incident, up to Capitol Hill for yet another hearing to get to the bottom of what is apparently the Marianas Trench of scandals. Maybe Issa should call in James Cameron and his bathyscaphe. Read more on Benghazi, Part Eleventy Billion: The Return Of The Revenge Of The Bride Of Benghazi…
  that chicken knows whats coming

Darrell Issa Not Desperate At All In Opening New IRS Investigation

Noted Congressional assclown and unconfirmed cosmic turd Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole) is back to his old shenanigans where he opens his mouthhole with gibberish sounds that will likely be proven false by the time you finish reading this post. It must be a day! What is California’s most repulsive gift to society doing this time? More about the IRS, of course. Per The Hill: The IRS subjected conservative groups already granted tax-exempt status to additional scrutiny during the 2012 election cycle, House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) charged on Monday. Issa called on a Treasury watchdog already looking into the IRS to investigate the matter, and signaled he would expand his committee’s probe into improper targeting of political groups given the new revelations. Read more on Darrell Issa Not Desperate At All In Opening New IRS Investigation…
  NOONERS!

Someone Tell Peggy Noonan The Fake IRS Scandal Ended Weeks Ago, Or Maybe Don’t, It’s Not Like She Matters

You might think Peggy Noonan has so thoroughly self-discredited by now that her only remaining role in public discourse is to memorialize the simpleton biases and transparent lie-gospels of the anachronistic, bubble-dwelling conservative “elites” who are the Wall Street Journal’s core readership. You know, like she does in this, her latest lazy, hazy word-thing in which she pretends not to have heard that conservatives weren’t actually targeted in the “IRS targeted conservatives” “scandal” and that the whole thing was actually just made up by an ex-car thief and alleged arsonist who was let into Congress for some reason. But lest Peggy Noonan’s badly diminished relevance lull you into complacency, please take a moment to think of the children. Read more on Someone Tell Peggy Noonan The Fake IRS Scandal Ended Weeks Ago, Or Maybe Don’t, It’s Not Like She Matters…
  bring out your dead

South Carolina Sadly Lacking In Zombie Voters

Zombies are all the rage these days, from the video games kids are playing to teevee shows and movies, you can’t go anywhere to escape them. Not even the voting booth, according to South Carolina lying liar Attorney General Alan Wilson. From the Columbia Free Times: For a while last year, you couldn’t turn on Fox News without seeing S.C. GOP Attorney General Alan Wilson saying things like, “We know for a fact that there are deceased people whose identities are being used in elections in South Carolina.” That’s right people – it was a FACT. Not a rumor, or gossip, or hearsay, or an educated guess based on circumstances, but a stone-cold FACT. If only some state agency would spend 18 months investigating this, so that Attorney General Alan Wilson could pimp a 500-page report to show how correct his statement about facts would turn out to be. A year and a half after a zombie voter fever fell over Republicans in campaign mode, a state police investigation found no indication that anyone purposefully cast a ballot using the name of a dead person in South Carolina. Man, this must be embarrassing for Attorney General Alan Wilson, huh? Let’s sexplore.  Read more on South Carolina Sadly Lacking In Zombie Voters…
  when will this long national nightmare be over

Oh Look Darrell Issa Is Lying Again, Part One Million Seven Hundred Sixty Thousand Seventy Two

Ugh. We thought we were done with this IRSgate bullshit, since now Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole) has been outed as Congress’s biggest assclown, whom no one should take seriously ever again. (Haha, “ever again” assumes facts not in evidence. Law talk!) But it seems that the non-scandal is turning out to be a scandal again, except it’s because Darrell Issa seemed to manufacture the first non-scandal, because he is a shitty human being and all. This has become a giant confusing clusterfuck of awfulness, and we are getting really tired of more awful people getting involved and ruining our day-drinking. Here’s the latest. Democrats are upset because contrary to the report prepared by the IRS Inspector General, the IRS didn’t just target Tea Party nutjobs, but also looked at progressive groups. When asked about it, IRS IG J. George Russell’s office explained that they only looked at Tea Party groups because that’s all Rep. Issa asked them to look at. THE FUCK, REALLY?  Read more on Oh Look Darrell Issa Is Lying Again, Part One Million Seven Hundred Sixty Thousand Seventy Two…
  chicken not looking forward to what comes next

IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven

In addition to being a cosmic turd straight from Satan’s bunghole, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) is now just a laughing stock on Capitol Hill. If anyone anywhere takes this clown seriously in the future, we will be shocked. How has Issa managed to make himself an even bigger fool, the kind of ass that everyone, even small children, stop to point and laugh at?  It all goes back to the IRS, and this non-scandal that Issa bet his entire reputation as Chair of the House Oversight & Government Reform Committee upon. Salon hits the nail on the head: Remember the IRS scandal? How the tax agency improperly singled out Tea Party groups for extra scrutiny in a nefarious political vendetta against conservatives because the agency is either inherently liberal or was acting on orders from the Democratic President? Remember how it cost even Mitt Romney the election? Well, as it turns out, that whole scandal is entirely bogus. False. A fiction. The entire notion that the agency singled out groups with “Tea Party” in their name in simply wrong, we learn today, thanks to new documents revealed by the Associated Press. The documents, and confirmation from officials, show the IRS targeted groups with other keywords in their names, including “Progressive” and “Occupy.” Hahahahahaha, suck it, Rep. Issa. And suck it all you teabagger crazies complaining about how much butthurt you went through while suffering from your goddam persecution complex. Turns out you are all a bunch of whiny babies who jumped the gun before all the facts were in, and now you look like completely incompetent political hacks who are better off crawling back to whatever cosmic bunghole you came from.  Let’s wonksplain further. Read more on IRSgate joins Solyndragate and Benghazigate in Fake Scandal Heaven…