Tag Archives: darrell issa

  note to bezos: fire george will

George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing

George Will sucks. He has managed to garble together some wordthings in the Washington Post about Lois Lerner and the IRS scandal, and eleventy million percent of them are full of suckitude. It is like a universal ball of suck shat out a person-sized suck-turd and named it George Will, and now we are stuck with his godawful word salad of putridness. Apparently masquerading as a mouthpiece for Congressional Assclown Extraordinaire Darrell Issa, George Will wrote: [Lois Lerner] knows what her IRS unit did and how it intersects with the law, and for a second time she has exercised her constitutional right to remain silent rather than risk self-incrimination. The public has a right to make reasonable inferences from her behavior. This is exactly what Jesus H. Washington Jefferson Lincoln had in mind when He drafted the amendments. Clearly, in America, the public has the right… nay, the Constitutional obligation to presume guilt before weighing any actual evidence. Guilty until proven innocent in the “press,” right? Read more on George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing…
  sorry that you're a stinky turd

Darrell Issa Apologizes To Elijah Cummings For Interrupting His Hissy Fit

Hey, everybody, Darrell Issa has apologized for cutting off Elijah Cummings’s mic at that hearing the other day, so please move on, nothing left to see, all is well. OK, all but the part where, on the very same day, Issa went on Fox News to tell Megyn Kelly that Cummings had thrown a “hissy fit” and that his anger at being denied the chance to speak was nothing more than a “pre-staged event” — we’d love to know why he thinks Cummings knew in advance that he’d be a dick, actually. Ha-ha, that is a joke because it is Darrell Issa after all! In any case, it’s all cool, really, because he apologized about the mic. Read more on Darrell Issa Apologizes To Elijah Cummings For Interrupting His Hissy Fit…
  la la la i can't hearing you

Darrell Issa Cuts Rep. Elijah Cummings’s Mic Like He Is Bill O’Reilly Or Something

So here’s a good example of just how unfair and rude Democrats can be in their relentless control of the media: Watch as Rep. Elijah Cummings, against all rules of good taste, behaves as if his position as ranking Democrat on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee entitles him to talk during Darrell Issa’s hearing into the IRS’s alleged targeting of Tea Party groups, even though Issa adjourned the hearing, cut Cummings’s mic, and walked out. Silly Democrat, you do not count! Read more on Darrell Issa Cuts Rep. Elijah Cummings’s Mic Like He Is Bill O’Reilly Or Something…
  gnomes

Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut.

Hey look! It’s another day, so let’s talk more about the IRS non-scandal, because apparently there is no end to the Republican appetite for self-embarrassment. As we all know, there has been absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by the IRS in the whole kerfuffle over targeting Tea Party groups’ tax-exempt status. But you can’t put a price on liberty, and it’s not like Congress is wasting literally millions of taxpayer dollars on this fruitless witch hunt, right? IRS Commissioner John Koskinen [released a letter] documenting the significant funds expended by the IRS in responding to Congressional inquiries to date, including $8 million in direct costs—such as salaries, benefits, and travel—and an additional $6 million to $8 million to add capacity to information technology systems to process materials to investigators. For that kind of money, we would buy the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. And then we would gay marry every lawn gnome in America! Holy waste, fraud, and abuse, wonketeers! Let’s scandalsplore.  Read more on Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut….
  the padded room is right this way dear

Just Because ‘True The Vote’ People Are Paranoid Doesn’t Mean IRS, FBI And ATF Aren’t Out To Get Them

Wonkamigos and wonkiritas, we have a problem. It seems that some piece of shit Tea Party group has decided that it is perfectly appropriate to attack our beloved 2013 Legislative Badass of the Year, Elijah Cummings (D-Pure Awesomesauce). And they did not only attack him, but they did so in a Congressional hearing. Yep, the GOP Majority, in their infinite wisdom, decided to invite these wackjobs to testify before Congress, which used to mean something. But apparently no one thought to give them basic lessons in How Not To Be A Asshole. Take it away, Politico: A conservative group claiming it was targeted by the Internal Revenue Service stole the show at a congressional hearing on Thursday when it veered off topic and accused top panel Democrat Rep. Elijah Cummings of harassment. We recently covered the bullshit IRS butthurt, but this takes it to a whole new level. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Just Because ‘True The Vote’ People Are Paranoid Doesn’t Mean IRS, FBI And ATF Aren’t Out To Get Them…
  nice time!

Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen.

Hey ladies. How you doing? With your uncontrolled libidos, we bet you are slutting it up all over the place, so thank the Spirit in the Sky that you can get free government slut pills so you can be as slutty as you wanna be! But maybe you whoring whoremonsters need some representation at the highest level of government, to make sure that your silly little “rights” are protected from Neanderthals who view modern women as ‘sluts’ and ‘prostitutes.’ Where, oh where, will we find a heroine who will be able to articulate the need for women’s equal access to healthcare, perhaps one who has already faced about as much criticism from the batshit crazy right as would be possible? Well, wonkeroos, open your legs wallets for Sandra Fluke, who has officially filed to run for Congress in California!  Read more on Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen….
  mind like a steel sieve

Darrell Issa Is Your New Edward Snowden And Julian Assange (Again)

  Continuing his hallowed tradition of fixing things that ain’t broke and shaking his fist impotently at Obamacare, Big Government, and a cloud, Darrell Issa is introducing a bill that would require the the HHS to inform people if their seeekrit healthcare data is stoled in a security breach of the ACA website. Damn straight we need such a thing! You know private companies never have a problem with enormous data leaks, but the ACA is probably selling your data to a trenchcoat-wearing dude in the back alley right now. Darrell Issa is ON IT, people. He has your best interests in mind, and he’s going to make sure you get protected by demanding the HHS do what it is already doing. Read more on Darrell Issa Is Your New Edward Snowden And Julian Assange (Again)…
  green eggs and...damn!

Is Our National Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year Ted Cruz? We Will Give You Two Guesses And The Answer Is Yes

Yes, yes, we know: you thought it was going to be Louie Gohmert. There is no disputing it — the man really is the dumbest piece of fecal-infused dough in Congress, and that is really saying something. But the thing is, Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year is more than just a yardstick of dumbth. It is, rather, an all-around honor, a recognition of the member of the legislative branch who has done the most to make America a shittier place. And ol’ Louie, for all his dumbshittery, has just not accomplished much of anything, thank god. Now Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz — there is a man who has truly done some serious fuckery to his adopted nation (America, not Canada, where he is actually from), plunging the entire U.S. government into a cesspit full of exploding foamy pigshit for 16 days, then climbing out of the steaming wreckage, pointing proudly at the mess, and beaming, “Lookie what I did!” Read more on Is Our National Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year Ted Cruz? We Will Give You Two Guesses And The Answer Is Yes…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  everything you thought you knew is wrong

New York Times’ Detailed Investigation Ends Rancor Over Benghazi Forever

Over the weekend, the New York Times released its big investigative report on the September 11, 2012, attack on the diplomatic compound in Benghazi. The article by David Kirkpatrick suggested that several aspects of the rightwing narrative don’t hold water — particularly the claims that the “Innocence of Muslims” video had nothing to do with the attack, that the attack had been planned far in advance, and that it was an al Qaeda operation. The thorough report led critics of the Obama administration to say, “Ah, we see. Well, so much for that, then. So maybe it wasn’t Watergate plus Pearl Harbor times 9/11 after all.” Haha, we are simply “taking the urine” there! Of course the wingnut brigade took issue with the report, because everyone knows that no one in Libya had access to Egyptian TV reports about the video (or if they did, they simply shrugged off its mockery of the prophet Mohammed, because rioting over a video is just silly). And everyone knows that all radical Islamic groups are part of al Qaeda, just like all biting dogs are pit bulls — this is just science. And everyone knows that the attack was planned in advance, because we all saw Darrel Issa on Fox News saying it was. Read more on New York Times’ Detailed Investigation Ends Rancor Over Benghazi Forever…
  hhs tells issa to suck it

No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?

When we first read this article about notorious cosmic dingleberry Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole), we seriously had a newsgasm. After cleaning up our computer screen, we have been laughing ever since, because… well, this is just so awesome, even though it is from Politico: The Health and Human Services Department told… Chairman Darrell Issa [R-CA] that it won’t turn over documents related to the security of the Healthcare.gov website because it can’t trust him to keep secret information that could give hackers a roadmap to wreak havoc on the system. Issa is apparently none too happy, last seen stomping his feet and whining and carrying on, showing his true colors as a shitty little titty-baby. Come, fellow wonkeroos of wonklandia, let’s awesomesplore an agency finally calling out Issa for being the despicable rat-fucking piece of human filth that he is.  Read more on No Fair — How Can Darrell Issa Leak Obamacare Website Security Info If HHS Won’t Trust Him?…
  a little more talk and a lot less action

In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again

Hey ladies. 2014 is around the corner, and that means that more GOP candidates will be mansplaining to you about how you shouldn’t be raped illegitimately and that military boys will be rapey boys so shut your mouth and make a goddam sammich. But this time around, the GOP wants to win over the Ovary-American vote. Not through legislation around equal pay or the ability to make decisions about their bodies, because that’s just silly. No, the GOP wants to learn its candidates to talk more better to the ladies, per Politico: The National Republican Congressional Committee wants to make sure there are no Todd Akin-style gaffes next year, so it’s meeting with top aides of sitting Republicans to teach them what to say — or not to say — on the trail, especially when their boss is running against a woman. In Merica, where 54% of the electorate are vagina-Americans, the majority of the House of Representatives needs to hold classes on how not to insult women. If this isn’t American Exceptionalism, we don’t know what is. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again…
  why won't the witness stop hitting himself?

Darrell Issa Takes Fake Obamacare Hearings On The Road, The Better To Exclude People Who Love Their New Insurance

We bet this will come as a huge surprise: In his traveling road show of “hearings” on the ACA rollout, Darrell Issa has hand-picked the people testifying, and has excluded people who want to speak in favor of the Affordable Care Act. In Gaston County, North Carolina, two women who requested to speak at the hearings told a local TV station that that they had written to Issa, saying they wanted to testify, but neither received a reply from his office. One of them, Dana Wilson of Charlotte, has Multiple Sclerosis and until the ACA had been unable to get any insurance at all. And while we can only tolerate Ed Schultz in very small doses, we really have to agree with him on this: “I’d like to see Issa tell this lady right here with MS that she is going to be denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition,” Schultz said, pointing at a shot of Wilson. “That’s what he wants. He’s protecting the corporations. Darrell Issa should be ashamed of himself for his one-sided political pandering.” Hahaha, Darrell Issa does not talk to people like her. Why would he? Read more on Darrell Issa Takes Fake Obamacare Hearings On The Road, The Better To Exclude People Who Love Their New Insurance…
  the intersection of failure and more failure

Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not

Well what do you know. Looks like our Kenyan Savior and Guiding Star Of Socialism Barack Mao Tsebama has been up to no good. Or at least, his minions have been snookering and hoodwinking us by manipulating the data. According to the New York Post, the Census Bureau was cooking the books on the monthly jobs data in the months leading up to the election, allegedly making the unemployment numbers seem better than they actually were! But fear not! Congress shall investimigate this latest SCANDAL, and that means only one thing: Rep. Darrell Issa is on the case. And this time, he decided to bring that goalie from the Mighty Ducks film, Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX), to help share the blame when all this turns out to be a big pile of nothingness. Which, of course it inevitably will be, because Issa is a terrible person who is also very incompetent at his job.  Read more on Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not…
  and his little dog too

House Nutball Caucus Files Articles Of Impeachment On Eric Holder, Elliot Richardson Still Dead

This has been a fun couple of days, what with watching the Cephalopod caucus in Congress run shrieking from the Affordable Care Act and dulling the pain by driving nails through our testicles and all. So you’ll forgive us if we missed the news that a few of the walking yeast infections on the Republican side of the House have filed articles of impeachment against Attorney General Eric Holder for the high crime of being a black man in charge of upholding laws instead of breaking them the way God and Rush Limbaugh intended. Ha ha, we’re kidding! Of course Eric Holder has done all sorts of crimes. Otherwise would such intellectual luminaries as Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Ted “YOLO” Yoho, and this friggin’ guy have gone to all the trouble? Let’s take a quick look at the four (four! Nixon only got three! Holder is worse than Nixon, INPEACH!) articles of impeachment and join these upstanding lawmakers as they beat AG New Black Panther Dolemite with their Nightsticks of Justice. Read more on House Nutball Caucus Files Articles Of Impeachment On Eric Holder, Elliot Richardson Still Dead…
  happy blovember

CBS News Bases Obamacare News Report On Lying Liar Darrell Issa, Because Who Needs Journalism Anyway?

It seems that CBS News has decided to celebrate Blovember. Unfortunately, not in any sexual way (sad face) but by blowing news story after news story. After the 60 Minutes debacle, CBS decided to air more right-wing talking points, because who needs “facts” and unbiased “news,” anyway? Recently, CBS News reported that an Obama administration official was kept in the dark about serious flaws in the Healthcare.gov website, based on “partial transcripts” that they somehow miraculously received from the “House Oversight Committee.” GIANT RED FLAG GUYS!! We know the weaseling, beady-eyed ne’er-do-well in charge of this committee, and have proved time and time and time again that he is a lying ass-clown who should never be believed because of all the lies that come out of his mouthhole. CBS News, you make us sad.  Read more on CBS News Bases Obamacare News Report On Lying Liar Darrell Issa, Because Who Needs Journalism Anyway?…