Tag Archives: darrell issa

  Here have some news n stuff

Congressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism

He does not even seem nice
Now that ex-mayor and forever scumbag Rudy Giuliani has finally, for the first time ever, raised the question of whether Barack Obama really and truly loves America — because that question has never been asked before — some Republicans couldn’t be happier: Read more on Congressjerk Darrell Issa So Grateful Rudy Giuliani Finally Impugned Obama’s Patriotism…
  Now What Is This A Distraction From Again?

House Benghazi Committee To Investigate House Benghazi Committee

We're just kidding. Nobody's sitting calmly and playing cards in this one.
In a development that absolutely no one could have predicted if they were a blind cave fish happily feeding on isopods in a subterranean lake, it appears that there are Deep Partisan Rifts on the House Select Committee on Benghazi, which is definitely going to get to the true truth about the 2012 attack, unlike the previous seven congressional investigations that found no actual wrongdoing. Democrats on the committee complain that they are being shut out of interviews with witnesses, in several cases only finding out that Republicans had interviewed those witnesses from press reports. And committee chair Trey Gowdy has so far refused even to agree to rules for how the committee will operate. Read more on House Benghazi Committee To Investigate House Benghazi Committee…
  Dare To Be Irrelevant

Darrell Issa Still F*cking That IRS Chicken

Congressman Darrell Issa (R-Richest Man in Congress) became a regular feature on the Conservative Top 40 charts this year with his songs of IRS malfeasance. Now, with the holidays fast approaching, Issa’s releasing a Christmas album — no new content, just the old favorites in a shiny new package, and it can be yours for just $14.95! Read more on Darrell Issa Still F*cking That IRS Chicken…
  And Now Benghazi Is No Longer An Issue

House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox

Still missing an H
Photo by Beth Ethier, from last year’s Obama Arrest Party In a classic Friday news dump – the favored method for releasing information when you hope the fewest people will notice — the House Intelligence Committee released the results of its Great Big Benghazi Inquiry yesterday afternoon, and boy oh boy does it have some devastating news for the Incompetent Tyrant Obama: He’s still a tyrant, because executive orders, but OK, maybe, um, there wasn’t actually anything fishy going on at the diplomatic compound in Libya. Let’s just go with the AP’s lede, which clarifies exactly why this is terrible news for wingnuts (or would be, were they not impermeable to facts): Read more on House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox…
  Leaving Fast. Possibly Furious.

Eric Holder Peaces Out

Eric Holder has had enough of your shit, Congress. Like most of America, he is probably tired of grandstanding and bullshit partisan nonsense, so he is taking his indictments and going home. Read more on Eric Holder Peaces Out…
  Your ego is writing checks your soul can't cash

Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron. Read more on Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God…
  Weed The People

Happy Birthday, U.S. Constitution! Even The Parts Without Guns.

Won't someone think of the Yang worship words?
Happy Constitution Day, U.S. Wonkers of America and such as! On this day in 1987, we celebrated the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Constitution of the United States. Yr Doktor Zoom distinctly remembers how none of the students in his freshman composition class got all of the really easy constitutional trivia questions right — simple stuff like “What does the Fifth Amendment protect?” and “Is it legal for the government to make you pray to your guns?” Read more on Happy Birthday, U.S. Constitution! Even The Parts Without Guns….
  Shocked and Awed

BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars

Here we go again. Another House committee, controlled by Republicans, has issued yet another wackadoodle report about BENGHAZI. Are we going to finally find out that President Obama was taking body shots off of Hillary at the time of the attack, laughing about telling everyone to “stand down”? What kind of conspiracy-tinged bullshit will be served up this time? Read more on BENGHAZI Update: House Republican Committee Calls All Other Republicans Liars…
  won't someone think of the porn star moms?

Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break

If you are a DC politician, you are duty-bound to spend as much of the summer outside the city as possible. If you’re stuck in the swamp, you can at least take advantage of the hollowed-out Capitol and switch up your normal routine. Take a zealously investigated page from Republican Congressman Darrell Issa! In a change of pace after all that mikey-cutty stuff with Elijah Cummings (D-BADASS) during this spring’s comedic roast of Lois Lerner, Darrell is indulging in a little light summer outrage and sounding the alarm on the latest “unprecedented abuse of power”TM by the Obama-Industrial Complex. Darrell took a field trip to the Cato Institute for a show-and-tell about Operation Choke Point, a program at the Department of Justice that he says is limiting access to vital banking services, including funds transfer and credit card payment processing, for legal but “unpopular” businesses. Cato claims the DOJ is using Choke Point to harass gun dealers and porn stars, but we soon found out that none other than our most beloved American industrialists, the Koch brothers, could have their points choked at any moment. Read more on Gun Dealers, Porn Stars & Payday Lenders: Darrell Issa’s Sexy Summer Break…
  this week in gohmert

Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea

Texas trailer hitch replica Louis Gohmert wants to get to the bottom of this IRS scandal so badly he’s willing to put the taxpayers’ money where his mouth is with a bill he introduced last week, the “Identify and Return Sent E-mails Act,” which would provide a cool $1 million to any whiz kid who can locate whatever emails disappeared from Lois Lerner’s computer when the hard drive crashed in 2011. Where Louie and the bill’s co-sponsor, Rep. Bill Flores (R-TX), think these emails might reside since the IRS, per its email retention policy, overwrote its backed-up server tapes every six months long before this “scandal” broke, was left to everyone’s imagination. Sayeth the walking penis of East Texas, You can do it one of two ways. You can have a Justice Department that’s actually involved in justice and they will use pressure and they’ll get it done. We don’t have a Justice Department. We have a ‘just us’ department, or an injustice department. So the only other way is to use the carrot method. Read more on Louie Gohmert Has Million-Dollar Idea…
  today in blahghazi

Surprise, Darrell Issa’s New Benghazi Revelation Not New Or A Revelation

Rancid beef jerky stick Darrell Issa has allegedly been in a snit over the new House Select Committee to investigate BENGHAAAAZI!!!11!!! because it bigfoots the investigations he has been chairing as head of the House Oversight Committee. Not that he doesn’t want to get to the bottom of the worst dereliction of duty since the Battle of Cannae … he just wants to get there first in the hope that the resultant glory will shine brightly enough to keep people from noticing he has the moral character of a feral sewer rat. Thus we had the spectacle yesterday of Issa leaking to his personal valet Jonathan Karl a new email that was supposed to show some malfeasance or other, but instead seemed to actually support the Obama administration’s contention that it thought from the very beginning that the Benghazi attack had been motivated by the YouTube video Innocence of Muslims. Whoops, that’s not the narrative the wingnuts have been pushing at full volume for almost two years. Read more on Surprise, Darrell Issa’s New Benghazi Revelation Not New Or A Revelation…
  environmental porn agency

EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash

Does your job blow? Do you ever fantasize about just kicking back and watching porn all day, but wish you could still pull down a nice six-figure salary? Yeah, us too, so click on those goddam ads swirling around, ok? (Note: do not actually click on those ads unless they are things in which you are interested, or that is “click fraud.” DO NOT go to click-fraud jail!) Our other option would be to work for the Environmental Protection Agency, per HuffPo: An employee at the Environmental Protection Agency allegedly downloaded over 7,000 files of pornography on a government computer and watched them two to six hours per day, the agency’s investigative unit revealed Wednesday. First off, holy shit that is a lot of porn-watching! But could it have been work-related porn? Is the EPA seeking to give grants to environmentally friendly porn producers? Maybe there were lessons at the end of them, like “Tell corporate polluters to stop treating the world’s oceans like a woman’s face. No ejaculating onto the world’s oceans!” We’d support our tax dollars going to that. Let’s sexsplore.  Read more on EPA Employee Looking For Pollution Two To Six Hours A Day, From The Comfort Of His Porn Stash…
  why settle for reality when you have fox news?

New Docs: IRS Targeted Liberal Groups The Most. Darrell Issa To Apologize Any Day Now, We Are Sure

You may recall hearing about some small fuss over the Internal Revenue Service allegedly targeting Tea Party groups for special scrutiny, because of the Obama administration’s relentless jihad against freedom? We’re pretty sure we mentioned it. And despite the overwhelming evidence that the worst that happened is that the IRS did some pretty sloppy work, especially in just using keyword lists to decide which groups would be looked at, it’s also pretty clear that the IRS gave extra scrutiny to both liberal and conservative groups’ application for 501(c)(3) and 501(c)(4) tax-exempt status. Even so, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee chair Darrell Issa keeps insisting that only conservative groups were given extra attention, because he is kind of a lying shitweasel that way. Well, hey, it turns out that a trove of actual IRS documents obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request substantiates the claim that both liberal and conservative groups got extra scrutiny, and if anything, liberal groups were actually more extensively targeted than Tea party groups were. What is one to make of this? Obviously, the facts must be wrong. Read more on New Docs: IRS Targeted Liberal Groups The Most. Darrell Issa To Apologize Any Day Now, We Are Sure…
  war is peace freedom is slavery failure is success

Darrell Issa F**ks Up Contempt Charges Against Lois Lerner, Because He Is Bad At His Job

Crybaby car-robber firebug Darrell Issa sucks. We could really end this post right now, but you are probably wondering why we are writing again about the sucktastic exploits of the World’s Worst Arsonist-and-Car-Robber-(and Crybaby!)-Turned-Congressman. Well, here is why: House Oversight Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) blew his chance to hold former IRS official Lois Lerner in contempt of Congress at a hearing last week, according to a new legal analysis being circulated by Democrats. Can this guy do anything right? No, the answer is clearly no. We fully expect that the next Oversight hearing will consist of Darrell Issa alternating between wetting himself and desperately trying to get his fingers unstuck from those little chineese fingercuffs.  Read more on Darrell Issa F**ks Up Contempt Charges Against Lois Lerner, Because He Is Bad At His Job…
  note to bezos: fire george will

George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing

George Will sucks. He has managed to garble together some wordthings in the Washington Post about Lois Lerner and the IRS scandal, and eleventy million percent of them are full of suckitude. It is like a universal ball of suck shat out a person-sized suck-turd and named it George Will, and now we are stuck with his godawful word salad of putridness. Apparently masquerading as a mouthpiece for Congressional Assclown Extraordinaire Darrell Issa, George Will wrote: [Lois Lerner] knows what her IRS unit did and how it intersects with the law, and for a second time she has exercised her constitutional right to remain silent rather than risk self-incrimination. The public has a right to make reasonable inferences from her behavior. This is exactly what Jesus H. Washington Jefferson Lincoln had in mind when He drafted the amendments. Clearly, in America, the public has the right… nay, the Constitutional obligation to presume guilt before weighing any actual evidence. Guilty until proven innocent in the “press,” right? Read more on George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing…
  sorry that you're a stinky turd

Darrell Issa Apologizes To Elijah Cummings For Interrupting His Hissy Fit

Hey, everybody, Darrell Issa has apologized for cutting off Elijah Cummings’s mic at that hearing the other day, so please move on, nothing left to see, all is well. OK, all but the part where, on the very same day, Issa went on Fox News to tell Megyn Kelly that Cummings had thrown a “hissy fit” and that his anger at being denied the chance to speak was nothing more than a “pre-staged event” — we’d love to know why he thinks Cummings knew in advance that he’d be a dick, actually. Ha-ha, that is a joke because it is Darrell Issa after all! In any case, it’s all cool, really, because he apologized about the mic. Read more on Darrell Issa Apologizes To Elijah Cummings For Interrupting His Hissy Fit…
  la la la i can't hearing you

Darrell Issa Cuts Rep. Elijah Cummings’s Mic Like He Is Bill O’Reilly Or Something

So here’s a good example of just how unfair and rude Democrats can be in their relentless control of the media: Watch as Rep. Elijah Cummings, against all rules of good taste, behaves as if his position as ranking Democrat on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee entitles him to talk during Darrell Issa’s hearing into the IRS’s alleged targeting of Tea Party groups, even though Issa adjourned the hearing, cut Cummings’s mic, and walked out. Silly Democrat, you do not count! Read more on Darrell Issa Cuts Rep. Elijah Cummings’s Mic Like He Is Bill O’Reilly Or Something…
  gnomes

Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut.

Hey look! It’s another day, so let’s talk more about the IRS non-scandal, because apparently there is no end to the Republican appetite for self-embarrassment. As we all know, there has been absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by the IRS in the whole kerfuffle over targeting Tea Party groups’ tax-exempt status. But you can’t put a price on liberty, and it’s not like Congress is wasting literally millions of taxpayer dollars on this fruitless witch hunt, right? IRS Commissioner John Koskinen [released a letter] documenting the significant funds expended by the IRS in responding to Congressional inquiries to date, including $8 million in direct costs—such as salaries, benefits, and travel—and an additional $6 million to $8 million to add capacity to information technology systems to process materials to investigators. For that kind of money, we would buy the finest muffins and bagels in all the land. And then we would gay marry every lawn gnome in America! Holy waste, fraud, and abuse, wonketeers! Let’s scandalsplore.  Read more on Republicans Wasting $14 Million On IRS Non-Scandal Investigation. Food Stamps Still Being Cut….
  the padded room is right this way dear

Just Because ‘True The Vote’ People Are Paranoid Doesn’t Mean IRS, FBI And ATF Aren’t Out To Get Them

Wonkamigos and wonkiritas, we have a problem. It seems that some piece of shit Tea Party group has decided that it is perfectly appropriate to attack our beloved 2013 Legislative Badass of the Year, Elijah Cummings (D-Pure Awesomesauce). And they did not only attack him, but they did so in a Congressional hearing. Yep, the GOP Majority, in their infinite wisdom, decided to invite these wackjobs to testify before Congress, which used to mean something. But apparently no one thought to give them basic lessons in How Not To Be A Asshole. Take it away, Politico: A conservative group claiming it was targeted by the Internal Revenue Service stole the show at a congressional hearing on Thursday when it veered off topic and accused top panel Democrat Rep. Elijah Cummings of harassment. We recently covered the bullshit IRS butthurt, but this takes it to a whole new level. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Just Because ‘True The Vote’ People Are Paranoid Doesn’t Mean IRS, FBI And ATF Aren’t Out To Get Them…
  nice time!

Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen.

Hey ladies. How you doing? With your uncontrolled libidos, we bet you are slutting it up all over the place, so thank the Spirit in the Sky that you can get free government slut pills so you can be as slutty as you wanna be! But maybe you whoring whoremonsters need some representation at the highest level of government, to make sure that your silly little “rights” are protected from Neanderthals who view modern women as ‘sluts’ and ‘prostitutes.’ Where, oh where, will we find a heroine who will be able to articulate the need for women’s equal access to healthcare, perhaps one who has already faced about as much criticism from the batshit crazy right as would be possible? Well, wonkeroos, open your legs wallets for Sandra Fluke, who has officially filed to run for Congress in California!  Read more on Sandra Fluke To Slut Up Your Congress. Be Careful Out There, Congressmen….
  mind like a steel sieve

Darrell Issa Is Your New Edward Snowden And Julian Assange (Again)

  Continuing his hallowed tradition of fixing things that ain’t broke and shaking his fist impotently at Obamacare, Big Government, and a cloud, Darrell Issa is introducing a bill that would require the the HHS to inform people if their seeekrit healthcare data is stoled in a security breach of the ACA website. Damn straight we need such a thing! You know private companies never have a problem with enormous data leaks, but the ACA is probably selling your data to a trenchcoat-wearing dude in the back alley right now. Darrell Issa is ON IT, people. He has your best interests in mind, and he’s going to make sure you get protected by demanding the HHS do what it is already doing. Read more on Darrell Issa Is Your New Edward Snowden And Julian Assange (Again)…
  green eggs and...damn!

Is Our National Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year Ted Cruz? We Will Give You Two Guesses And The Answer Is Yes

Yes, yes, we know: you thought it was going to be Louie Gohmert. There is no disputing it — the man really is the dumbest piece of fecal-infused dough in Congress, and that is really saying something. But the thing is, Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year is more than just a yardstick of dumbth. It is, rather, an all-around honor, a recognition of the member of the legislative branch who has done the most to make America a shittier place. And ol’ Louie, for all his dumbshittery, has just not accomplished much of anything, thank god. Now Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz — there is a man who has truly done some serious fuckery to his adopted nation (America, not Canada, where he is actually from), plunging the entire U.S. government into a cesspit full of exploding foamy pigshit for 16 days, then climbing out of the steaming wreckage, pointing proudly at the mess, and beaming, “Lookie what I did!” Read more on Is Our National Legislative Sh*tmuffin Of The Year Ted Cruz? We Will Give You Two Guesses And The Answer Is Yes…