Tag Archives: dancing

  Sue the bastard

Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?

Jesus was a party animal.
Time for a dispatch from the ever-changing, goalposts-moving definition of the phrase “religious freedom.” All these whiny bitchy wingnuts have been protesting that they DO NOT EITHER hate the gays, but it violates their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™ to do things like “participate in” gay weddings, by making cakes or flowers or pizzas for them. And if you make them do that, you are literally Holocausting them, and they know Jesus will send them right to hell for it, because Jesus Is Love. So here’s a story that will show y’all what a lie that is! Read more on Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?…
  MOAR NICE TIME!

Here Are Barack And Michelle Obama On Television, So Probably Someone Is Mad About That

Barack “Barry Bamz Obummer the Kenyan” Obama went on the Jimmy Kimmel program to do that segment Jimmy sometimes does, where celebrities read all the mean and nasty things Twitter says about them, even though really, the ones they picked out are not all THAT mean, probably because Obama thinks he’s president or something, despite Tom Cotton’s clear explanation to the Iranians that Obama is NOT PRESIDENT. Read more on Here Are Barack And Michelle Obama On Television, So Probably Someone Is Mad About That…
  I done jitterbugged my way into a pile of Ay-rab men

America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact

Our bestest friend Saudi Arabia knows what is up. While the religious freedom American Jesus people are still stuck in the past, saying that your mother made you gay because she was too nice, or your father made you gay because he worked a lot, or your priest made you gay because obvious, the morality police of Saudi Arabia are fully aware that the Gateway Drug to the Gay is DANCING: Read more on America’s BFF Saudi Arabia Says Dancing Makes You Gay, Which Is Obvious Science Fact…
  Clap Along

Iran Will Protect All Citizens From Crime Of People Dancing To Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’

You love dancing to Pharrell Williams’s criminally ubiquitous song, “Happy.” Venerable civil rights hero John Lewis loves dancing to “Happy.” People all over the world love dancing to “Happy” and posting videos doing it. However, it is not cool to be Happy in Iran, even though Iran thinks it is all about that non-censorship life. Read more on Iran Will Protect All Citizens From Crime Of People Dancing To Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’…
  sweet fancy moses

Rob Ford Dances With Church Choir, Looks Exactly As White As You’d Expect

Here is video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s visit Sunday to the West Toronto Church of God, just doing what almost all white politicians are required to do at some point: dancing very badly in the presence of black people. Think Anthony Weiner, or maybe George W. Bush, even. It’s a white guy thing, and Yr Doktor Zoom, well aware of his own tendency to Elaine It Up whenever taken by the terpsichorean muse, is somewhat loath to slag Ford for his arrhythmic spasms in this video. On the other hand, just look at him, dancin’ like a jerkoff fool…(snrk!) Read more on Rob Ford Dances With Church Choir, Looks Exactly As White As You’d Expect…
  celebrate good times come on!

This Is Just Super Awesome Good White People Dancing, North Carolina Lege

North Carolina legislators celebrated their victories over voting, poverty, and human decency, and they celebrated with THE DANCE! Meanwhile, everyone who wasn’t in the North Carolina Capitol celebrated by dying of back alley bortions, and starving because “poor.” Read more on This Is Just Super Awesome Good White People Dancing, North Carolina Lege…
  Dance Dance Revulsion

Sundays With The Christianists: Sex Education For Godly Virgins Who Intend To Stay That Way

OK, you harlots and fornicators, let’s get something clear right off the bat. This column’s examination of Christianist sex education books is a serious look at the cultural attitudes of the Religious Right, not just an excuse to snicker at the crazy fulminations of the late Hugh F. Pyle of Panama City Florida, the author of Sex, Love, & Romance: Sex Education from the Bible. Now that we’ve made that clear, Dr. Pyle needs to have a serious talk with you about dancing: “It is impossible to separate sex and the dance; to a greater or lesser degree they go together.” What’s more, dancing is just not something that good white Christian boys and girls should do! Pagan natives around heathen campfires often drink and dance until they become so aroused that they take off their clothes. Things haven’t changed much in the dance of modern times. Young people dance in such a lewd and provocative manner that the flesh (sex lust) is aroused. They sway and writhe in front of each other in lustful movements. Many times they have very little clothing on, or the clothing is so tight that it is suggestive and revealing. Rock stars have often been arrested for exposing themselves in a shameful manner while performing their heathen rituals with dirty lyrics and movements that are vile and lewd. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Sex Education For Godly Virgins Who Intend To Stay That Way…
  hammertime

Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town

Weston, Florida – Floridians can breathe a sigh of relief and unlock their doors at night. There is no more need for police officers, and every senior citizen is now safe without the threat of being eaten by rap zombies. How did Weston create such an amazing utopia for its residents? How did they erase all crime and cause everyone to live in peace and harmony? Did they steal the playbook from Hidden Valley? The answer has been there the entire time and leaders around the world are kicking themselves in the asses for not thinking of it first. The answer to stopping all crime is to stop all dancing. Read more on Florida Stops Dancing Thugs From Destroying Town…
  Cultural Bankruptcy

Young People Continue To Ruin America With Their Awful ‘Dancing’

Hello! Has Satan ever kidnapped you at knife-point and then imprisoned you in his favorite fire dungeon, where thousands of sweaty young people “grind” to auto-tuned fart sounds accompanied by predictable bass lines and recycled MTV mashup samples, for the rest of eternity? It doesn’t even matter really, since these apocalyptic sex rites are performed every single night at every middle school semi-formal and yuppie “wine bar” in America. But what happens when young people are prohibited from crawling all over each other like horny centipedes at their high school’s annual debutante ball? And also: Are thousands of baby birds murdered every time Bristol Palin “grinds” to the latest Lady GaGa .wav file? Scientists say maybe. (Maybe.) Read more on Young People Continue To Ruin America With Their Awful ‘Dancing’…
  spend some time wasting your one life on earth with this video!

Here Is Bristol Palin Jivin’ In a Gorilla Suit

Remember when we noted yesterday that Bristol Palin said she would be doing “the jive” on national teevee and we joked that she would do it in blackface? Yeah, well, no, she did it in a gorilla suit, which is less offensive, we guess. But that is not the correct animal! In the modern American discourse, you are supposed to aspire to be a female grizzly bear, not a female dancing gorilla, Bristol. That sort of thing is base. If you, dear reader, are somehow not a 56-year-old woman with a diabetes foot who lives in a depressed exurb somewhere, you can now watch this “performance” you didn’t see last night here on the Internet. Read more on Here Is Bristol Palin Jivin’ In a Gorilla Suit…
  she'd look great in a burqa

Bristol Palin Won’t Dress Like a Whore On Her TeeVee Show

Bristol Palin is of course planning on showing off her lithe young body for the entertainment of millions of Americans on the hit new TV show Rubbing Yourself Up Against A Total Stranger With The Stars. This seems like it might actually contradict her stated life goal of convincing young girls to refrain from screwing hot dumb rednecks and getting knocked up, since obviously TV audiences will see her suggestive dance moves and immediately look for a young person to fuck sans prophylactics. But you shouldn’t worry about the effect on America’s morals, because Bristol will be covering up her nubile Palin-flesh before she goes on camera to embarrass herself, and us. Read more on Bristol Palin Won’t Dress Like a Whore On Her TeeVee Show…
  all the flourishing things

Alvin Greene Dances With the Rhythm of 1,000 Babbling Brooks

Does it even matter that that Alvin Greene rap video obviously had nothing to do with his campaign? No. The line between Alvin Greene and the rest of the universe isn’t so clearly defined. The unmoved is the source of all movement, and for this reason, we have video of Alvin Greene dancing in the studio of a Charlotte radio show. Charlotte? Is Alvin running for Senate from North Carolina too? He is, and he is not. Read more on Alvin Greene Dances With the Rhythm of 1,000 Babbling Brooks…
  life as a minor gossip figure

Bristol Palin Does Next Natural Thing: Dancing With the Stars

Alaska’s First Family, the Palin-Johnstons, are at it again today with the expected news that Bristol Palin will perform on a reality teevee show. Were you hoping for Jersey Shore IV: Wasilla Dumpster Behind the Tattoo Parlor? Patience. For now, it’s Dancing With the Stars, ABC’s inexplicable hit from the 1990s about D-list media losers dancing very badly with professional escorts. Everything about the Palins is simultaneously shocking and totally expected. Read more on Bristol Palin Does Next Natural Thing: Dancing With the Stars…
  rumors on the internets

Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate

Some IDF soldiers did a funny dance while “on patrol” (trying to find flotillas to murder). This lighthearted music video makes everything better; it heals all wounds, big and small. [Telegraph] Read more on Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate…