The economy is crumbling and very soon we will all be dead. For example, Apple expects sales to grow by 29% in its second fiscal quarter, and Wall Street is calling this a “disappointment” (Mr. Wall Street, he said it himself). But White House demon ice queen Dana Perino tells us “the long-term fundamental health of our economy is very strong,” which should ease the fears of the growing mortgage-default hobo brigade. [AP/Yahoo]

This week, Lauren Graham, Jon Tester and Dana Perino were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump. MORE »

After the White House released a statement lambasting the New York Times for a freaking sub-headline, the NYT has decided to play the bigger man by changing it online and issuing a correction. The controversial headline — “White House Role Was Wider Than It Said” — has been replaced with “Bush Lawyers Discussed Fate of Tapes.” As the Times‘ DC editor told Politico, however, “If they want to quibble with the deck, they have a legitimate point. But nobody is raising any questions with what the story is about, and what the story said.” Indeed, and now probably twice as many people have read the damning story. So Dana Perino continues to be a dumbshit, and the world is as it was. [Politico]

Dana Perino, you icy chamberpot of talky talky death! Only one day after your pals Blackwater shot the New York Times‘ fucking dog, and you’re releasing a statement condemning its headline this morning? For being misleading? You, the White motherfucking House is calling someone else misleading? If you weren’t so damn pretty, I’d curse you out several more times. MORE »

Remember that horrific U.S. attorney firing scandal? You know, the one that was extraordinarily illegal and should be guaranteeing Democrats electoral dominance for the next 50 years, if they weren’t so bad at exploiting it? Well, the Senate Judiciary Committee approved contempt resolutions this morning against Karl Rove and White House chief of staff Josh Bolten for ignoring it. So… does this mean we get to put Alberto Gonzales in the pokey any time soon? MORE »

During today’s White House Press Conference, Bushey press Secretary Dana Perino was asked, “Has the President teased you about the Cuban Missile Crisis at all?” This question erroneously presumes that Bush has a fucking clue what the Crisis was, but anyway, the White Rose of Poisony Ice Death responded, “No. It was a humorous show and I was exaggerating. Tell your host of your late-night show that.” Well I don’t have a late-night show or a host for it, but will do, Perino (Pareene-oh?).

Oh, also — she said waterboarding is legal. MORE »

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino might not be a liar after all! All those times when she says “I don’t know” and “We’re still gathering the facts” could be 100% accurate, because she actually doesn’t know jackshit about the world around her. Perino appeared on NPR’s jolly Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me program this weekend and stupidly told the world a story best kept private: She has no goddamn clue what the Cuban Missile Crisis was. MORE »

So you know how the CIA destroyed tapes of [fun and happy!] interrogations of al Qaeda operatives in 2005? Well some Demrats like Ted Kennedy and Dick Durbin having already called for Michael Mukasey to lead an investigation, which will obviously never happen. There’s a war going on, people! Anyway, the would-be scandal’s served White House Press Secretary Dana Perino another heaping pile of shit to eat in an already dense week, and she was the antithesis of informative today. The count for her most commonly used phrases today was: “I don’t know” — seven times; “decline to comment/not commenting” — 10 times; and “still gathering facts/gather the facts” — 11 times. So this little deletey situation should get cleared up right quick. [White House, NYT] MORE »

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino’s job got a little harder this week, what with the new task of convincing the public that it should consider the peaceful Iran NIE hostile. The lovely deathbot likes to take out her frustration on biased and/or dumb questioners during times like these, and today when some guy asked about AIDS research, she told him to “just stop it, stop it.” MORE »

Does Dana Perino even believe herself anymore? At today’s White House press briefing, the comely mouthpiece was defending the Bush Administration against charges that they muzzled their own scientists’ global warming reports. She seemed to sense the prying eyes of satirical bloggers when she let loose with the following howler:

…this is an issue where I’m sure lots of people would love to ridicule me when I say this, but it is true that many people die from cold-related deaths every winter.

OMG, so true! Don’t be all defensive, Dana, we believe you! I bet totally, like, zillions of Eskimos die from the cold every day! It’s good that there’s no such thing as heat-related deaths!

Press Briefing by Dana Perino [whitehouse.gov] MORE »

“WASHINGTON (Reuters) - White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, who has been battling cancer, plans to step down on September 14 and he will be replaced his deputy, Dana Perino, a U.S. official said. ”