Tag Archives: dana perino

  A moron says what?

Why Are We Hating Obama Today? (He Went To Stonehenge Instead Of Syria That’s Why)

This actually happened
Sometimes we hate President Obama because he is golfing or dictator-ing or bad-tan-suiting or presidenting while black. But today, kids, we get to hate him for sightseeing. Neat! See, the president is off in Merry Ol’ Britainland, which is even more foreign and exotic than Hawaii, having some NATO meetings with some world leaders, which is dumb because a real leader doesn’t need those other dumb countries to tell him how to lead, does he? No, he does not. (Except for Poland. Don’t forget Poland. NEVER forget Poland.) While in that other dumb country that is not America, the president committed the high crime of taking 20 whole minutes to visit Stonehenge, which does not have any good airstrike targets, so what is even the point? Doesn’t he realize real presidents don’t sightsee? Or be Obama? Read more on Why Are We Hating Obama Today? (He Went To Stonehenge Instead Of Syria That’s Why)…
  this is good news for john mccain

Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!

It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous sacks of skin that anchor Fox’s shows to talk about something else for five minutes. And because it is Fox, there had to be a conspiracy theory angle in there somewhere. For example, the hosts of The Five decided to flex their superior intellectual muscles on the question of why now, after all these years, has Monica decided to break her silence. Andrea Tantaros noted that there were lots of conspiracy theories out there (by “out there” she presumably meant in the Fox newsroom) and then asked Eric Bolling for his opinion. Read more on Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!…
  magnificent obsession

Dana Perino Begs Meteorologists Everywhere To Be As Dumb As Fox News, Yell About Benghazi

We all know that Fox News is nothing but faux-outrage over Benghazi — excuse us, BENGHAZI!111!!! — 24/7, but their certainty that everyone else is just as pretend-mad is one of the weirdest parts of their obsession. Today, cap-sleeve-wearing thought jumble Dana Perino is super mad that Bamz is going to go talk so some meteorologists about climate change because haha there is no climate change and also too they should ask him about Benghazi instead. Read more on Dana Perino Begs Meteorologists Everywhere To Be As Dumb As Fox News, Yell About Benghazi…
  whine and cheese party

Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?

Yesterday our Glorious Leader Barack Obama (peace be upon him) took to the White House press room for a briefing with the inchoate brain stems that masquerade as the national media. We didn’t watch this because we have some pride and self-respect (also, we were drunk), but we understand that B. Barry Bamz first talked about the success of Obamacare, then mooned the Capitol before twisting CBS News correspondent Major Garrett’s head completely off his shoulders and shooting some hoops with it out on the White House basketball court. Ha ha, we kid about Major Garrett. Severed heads are notoriously difficult to dribble. But the president did tout the success of Obamacare – eight million people have now signed up for insurance through the exchanges, exceeding the original projection by one million (and by two million the revised projection the CBO put out after the initial bungled rollout of Healthcare.gov last fall). It was a bit of a victory lap for Obama, and who can blame him after the five years of non-stop shrieking and bitching and spiteful obstruction he has encountered in his pursuit of cramming the tyranny of affordable health insurance down freedom-loving Americans’ throats? Oh hi, Dana Perino. Would you like to whine like a five-year-old at bedtime? Read more on Dana Perino Okay With Obamacare But Does The President Have To Be A Big Jerky Jerk By Talking About It?…
  what is 'legal'?

Barack Obama Said A Mean Thing About Tobacco, So Now Fox News Wants Everyone To Smoke

The giant drugstore chain CVS announced it will no longer be selling cigarettes, and Barack Obama said a thing, like, “that’s nice. Health,” or something, we don’t know, it was pretty anodyne. Did Fox News run every picture of Barack Obama smoking it could find and then bleat and guffaw about haw haw hypocrite? It did not, because that would have been an attack that made sense. First up was Gretchen Carlson — you know, the smart one. She put on her confused squirrel face to ask the question, is it even legal for CVS to stop selling cigarettes? Like, is it? (Hint, Gretchen: In Obama’s Amerikkka, they can force you to abort your gay marriage butt babby, but they still can’t force you to not stop selling cigarettes.) Read more on Barack Obama Said A Mean Thing About Tobacco, So Now Fox News Wants Everyone To Smoke…
  Selective never forgetting

Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)

What is it we’re supposed to never forget again? George W. Bush, August 6, 2001: Bush listened to the briefing [Bin Laden determined to strike in US], Suskind says, then told the CIA briefer: “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.” George W. Bush, March 13, 2002: Read more on Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)…
  you downplay just ONE genocide...

Helen Thomas Meets Deadline

Your Wonkette comes bearing sad news: Helen Thomas, “White House Crone,” died today at age 92 after a long and eventful tour through the halls of the White House. Younger Wonketeers may only know her from that 2010 video where she made anti-Semitic comments , but she was also the first woman assigned to a full time position as a White House reporter and, over the course of a half century, reported on every U.S. president from John Kennedy to Barack Obama. She was the only reporter to accompany Nixon to China. She asked hard questions that made G.W. appear almost — not quite, but almost — sympathetic in his bumbling idiocy, and — unlike many contemporary journalists (YOU KNOW WHO WE MEAN) could be combative and hostile to press secretaries and the presidents they worked for. For example, she practically called Dana Perino a warmongering hussy, right to her face, and asked Obama why the hell we were still in Afghanistan given the corruption of the Karzai regime, its inhospitable terrain, and the mounting death toll. And — in addition to doing all that — she stalked Stephen Colbert, which we present to you in her honor: Read more on Helen Thomas Meets Deadline…
  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Dana Perino Writes Gross Love Letter To Secret Boyfriend George W. Bush

Did you know that it is Let’s Pretend George W. Bush Was Teh Awesome Week? No? Neither did we, because we did not get that memo, and also, the way we remember it, he sucked harder than an industrial-strength Hoover — what with how he shredded the Constitution, did war to the wrong goddamn countries, broke the economy, chuckled about all those people who died looking for his pretend WMDs, and was just generally kind of a jerkhole. But according to Very Serious Journamalists like WaPo’s anencephalic Jennifer Rubin (also, doesn’t WaPo already have a lot of those folks on the payroll?), and the “bland and slightly repugnant grocery store brand breakfast cereal” that is Ron Fournier, it IS that week just because the ironically named George W. Bush Library and Museum opened in Dallas, so now everyone has to wax amnesic about that. Including No. 1 fangirl Dana Perino, who is about three dozen different kinds of awful, who has penned a love letter to George Bush — at Fox, of course — that is called, no kidding we are not making this shit up, My favorite memories of President George W. Bush. (We eagerly anticipate the inevitable Perino column in September titled What I Did On My Summer Vacation When I Wasn’t Jerking Off To My Favorite Memories of President George W. Bush.) Read more on Dana Perino Writes Gross Love Letter To Secret Boyfriend George W. Bush…
  Just Asking What No One Else Is Thinking

Fox Wingnuts Still Terrified of Scary ‘Very Dangerous’ Muslim in Congress Who Probably Hates America Because Muslim

Well, here is something totally unexpected: the moron quintet at Fox, The Five, is pretty sure thar be terrorists, or at least terrorist sympathizers, in Congress. And no, they’re not talking about Rep. Peter King, who is a bona fide terrorist sympathizer — but only for the white kind so it’s okay somehow, but shhh, let’s not talk about it, move along. Nope, Eric Bolling is on to Rep. Keith Ellison, who is a Democrat AND a Muslim, so, ipso facto and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, you know, wink wink: He’s also very dangerous. He’s kind of been like the Muslim apologist in Congress for a long time. He swore — he raised his right hand and took the oath of office on the Quran, if you remember, in 2007, Keith Ellison did. I think it’s time for profiling. Read more on Fox Wingnuts Still Terrified of Scary ‘Very Dangerous’ Muslim in Congress Who Probably Hates America Because Muslim…
  how you like us now

Dana Perino Drops Jay-Z Diss Track, Embarrasses Every White Person Everywhere

Unless you are a cave-dweller or some sort of luddite (in which case it is weird that you broke your anti-technology stance for Wonkette, but bqhatevwr) you were unable to avoid the Mr. Z goes to Cuba movie this week, complete with Jay-Z diss track. If you are a normal person, you listened to the new track and thought one of three possible thoughts: (1) Hova is BACK; (2) Hova is awesome but this track is meh; (3) Hova is just not my cup of tea thank you. If you are not a normal person and you work at Fox News, you decided to record your own incredibly embarrassing rap: Read more on Dana Perino Drops Jay-Z Diss Track, Embarrasses Every White Person Everywhere…
  stop hitting yourself

Fox’s Dana Perino Knows How to Reduce Domestic Violence

In the wake of that football player shooting his  girlfriend and also an entire human history of widespread violence against women,Fox’s Dana Perino has an innovative solution  to end the abuse! Did you know that probably a majority of the time, women who are beaten consciously make a decision to be with the right nut at the right time in the right Applebee’s parking lot? Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino Knows How to Reduce Domestic Violence…
  history's worst monster

Fox’s Dana Perino: California Gov. Jerry Brown Is A Dictator Because He Made A Youtube

Did you hear that California — the Golden Dream by the Sea — is having a wee little problem with its economy? What happened was a million years ago some proto-Grover Norquists made it impossible to ever raise taxes in the state, both by requiring a two-thirds supermajority in the Lege and by mandating that property taxes could never go up ever. Then, on top of that, Arnold Schwarzenegger took a ballpeen hammer to a car to symbolize SMASHing the Vehicle License Fee, and whoops! The very next year, California was in the red by … the exact same amount it had foregone in Vehicle License Fees! But everybody got $134 back to go spend at Wal-Mart, so good trade! This has been a problem for California, because it is no longer able to pay for things like world-class educational systems that used to draw people to it, but obviously, all current and historic budget shortfalls are Jerry Brown’s fault because he used to be a hippie, and did you know also Al Gore invented the Internet? Haw haw haw. Anyhoo, now Jerry Brown has announced additional cuts to education and services (he has been pretty Austere already) and also plumped for an infinitesimal rise in the sales tax, and three percent more in income taxes for Facebook founders. How did he do this? In a YOUTUBE. And that makes him just like Evita Peron. Don’t cry for him, Sacramento, etc. Here is Dana Perino, blahing about it on Fox News: Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino: California Gov. Jerry Brown Is A Dictator Because He Made A Youtube…
  oh well

America About As Awful As Ever

Here are just a few reasons why you should move to the Moon as soon as possible: Predictable asshole Scott Walker has threatened to fire public employees if his famous union-busting bill remains tied up in court. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is frantically Zeppelin-bombing brown people all over the world, for Freedom — and our trillion-dollar deficit woes will soon be over, once we stop wasting federal money on “food for children from low-income families.” Habeas corpus has now been suspended for almost ten years, so if you haven’t paid your taxes yet you will be raped by the CIA, in Lithuania. (We miss the “good old days,” when at least you could masturbate to the dirty, dirty lies about how great Our Nation is — since they usually came out of Dana Perino’s tender, post-911 mouth-hole on C-SPAN Live, so you could fap in real time.) Never Forget. Read more on America About As Awful As Ever…
  rumors on the internets

Dana Perino Still Way Sexier Than Ari Fleischer

Congratulations, America. You’ve raised an entire generation of worthless junkies who will probably never know the simple pleasures of a corporate 9-5 or wholesome church picnics with the wife and kids or any of that good hearty American stuff. No, sir. Instead, these smackheads will just sit around all day and collect their welfare checks whilst smoking their God-forsaken marrywana. Thanks for nothing. [The Daily Dish] Read more on Dana Perino Still Way Sexier Than Ari Fleischer…
  yes he has

Has Barack Obama Used This Word Too Many Times In One Year?

How many times has Obama uttered the difficult five-syllable word “unprecedented” during his White House term? According to the Politico‘s arbitrary (and would-be time-consuming, if they weren’t just making it up) count: 129 times! The last American president George W. Bush Junior said it 262 times! BUT IN EIGHT YEARS! Dana Perino went to journalism school (yikes!) and she thinks it is bad journalism or something to say a word like this 129 times in less than one calendar year. So that’s what happened on Fox News and in the Politico today. [YouTube, Raw Story] Read more on Has Barack Obama Used This Word Too Many Times In One Year?…
  september what?

Dana Perino So Glad We Never Had a Terrorist Attack on America During George W. Bush’s Presidency

Dim-bulb Dana Perino was doing jello shots at a frat party in 2001, so it’s no great surprise she doesn’t remember the 9/11 attacks on America. And the producers of Fox News could give a shit what anybody says on the air, as long as the subtext is racism. Read more on Dana Perino So Glad We Never Had a Terrorist Attack on America During George W. Bush’s Presidency…
  what we need now is george w. bush

Dana Perino Writes Wingnut Laments For NRO The Corner, Too

Former George Bush Jr. press secretary and current Mark Penn employee (as part of the Microtrend “My Concubines”), Dana Perino, simply does not care for this Barack Obama going to a Muslim country and addressing Muslims directly as Muslims, because somehow being aware of various cultural backgrounds is a zero-sum game, and for every Muslim Barack Obama pays attention to, an old white pentecostal nut in northwest Georgia is forced to sit at the back of the bus. Or so she wrote on America’s Blog! Read more on Dana Perino Writes Wingnut Laments For NRO The Corner, Too…
  sellouts

Dana Perino Joins Mark Penn’s Firm

Former Bush spokesmodels who do not know what the Cuban Missile Crisis was, finding work with reptilian Cheetos-addicted statisticians: it’s a Microtrend! Dana Perino recently joined this elite demographic when she was hired on at Mark Penn’s PR outfit to “communicate” things for “clients,” who include Lucifer and the reanimated corpse of Kenneth Lay. [Wall Street Journal] Read more on Dana Perino Joins Mark Penn’s Firm…
  dana don't complain

Check Out Dana Perino’s Lady Shiner

Here’s our first glimpse of icy sex goddess Dana Perino back at her beloved White House perch, only a couple of days after an Iraqi microphone socked her in the eye amidst what reporters have called a “melee.” Also, the wealthy New York blog Gawker has posted an excellent AP photo of the battered mouthpiece at her most vulnerable, so go look at that too. [YouTube, Gawker] Read more on Check Out Dana Perino’s Lady Shiner…
  old gals

Helen Thomas Returns To White House To Finish Off Dana Perino

Look everyone, 124-year-old c-list wire reporter Helen Thomas is back in the Front Row of the White House Briefing Room after months of health issues! “I realized really how dedicated I was to newspapers,” Thomas says, “which are dying.” Nah grandma that’s just hearsay; You’ve been watching too much CNBC! And then Thomas’ legendary arch nemesis, the ice queen press secretary Dana Perino, welcomes her back, and Thomas calls her a hot-to-trot warlord hussy. She also admits that she voted for Obama, which is not a very professional thing for a wire reporter to disclose [Commenters say she has a column now in the NYT under the pen name “Maureen Dowd”]. [Fishbowl DC] Read more on Helen Thomas Returns To White House To Finish Off Dana Perino…
  you're grounded

McCain Spokeswoman Gets in Twoooouble With The Boss

Here’s a Fox News clip from today of John McCain’s communications director Jill Hazelbaker, a.k.a. “the poor man’s Dana Perino.” She said that Barack Obama is not going to the Middle East to learn anything about the situation On The Ground — a stark contrast to avid listener John McCain, who learned about the two kinds of Muslims during his last trip to the region. Read more on McCain Spokeswoman Gets in Twoooouble With The Boss…