Tag Archives: dana milbank

  Your morning cup of wut?

‘Convert Them Or Kill Them,’ Said Jesus And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Actual photo from Sermon on the Mount
We have good news (weed and boobs) and bad news (Dana Milbank). Which do you want first? Too bad, here’s what you’re getting. Now that Duck Dynasty Derphead Phil Robertson is tourin’ the teevee to sell his “book,” we’ll probably be suffering through many of his deep thoughts. Like what Jesus would say about fightin’ terra-rists: Read more on ‘Convert Them Or Kill Them,’ Said Jesus And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  media circus

Two Stories About Obama, Clinton, ISIS, and Iraq. One Is By Dana Milbank, And One Is Correct

Dana Milbank wants to know why Barack Obama keeps going on vacation even though Dana Milbank assures you that even busy presidents should get vacations and they can keep on presidenting even while they are on vacation but still why is Barack Obama on vacation? Jeb Lund, also known as that dick Mobute, wants you to know that Hillary Clinton can suck a cock. One of these pundits is correct. Read more on Two Stories About Obama, Clinton, ISIS, and Iraq. One Is By Dana Milbank, And One Is Correct…
  off to the dudgeon with you

Fox News Getting Genocided Again By Thin-Skinned Unmanly Weasels Who Criticize Bill O’Reilly

Why is it that the tears of Fox News hosts are so especially delicious? After getting huge ratings for his ranty pre-Super Bowl interview with President Obama, Bill O’Reilly and other Fox Newsers are now very, very hurt that not everybody thought it was an exercise in fair but tough-minded journalism. For instance, here’s Megyn Kelly griping to Democratic strategist James Carville about the unmanly way that Obama laughed off O’Reilly’s Fox News talking points: “I do think it’s interesting that the president seems so focused on us,” Kelly told Carville. “I never heard President [George W.] Bush do this about MSNBC. He was taking his licks like a man.” “He gave you an interview on the day of the Super Bowl,” Carville responded. “The biggest audience you have.” “So why did he waste his time complaining about his coverage when he’s got most of the mainstream media in his pocket?” Kelly shot back, a complaint shared by other Fox colleagues. Why, yes, we remember back during the Bush administration, how MSNBC was a hugely influential monolith of manufactured anti-Bush propaganda whose programming largely dictated what liberals said about George W. And nobody in the Bush administration ever warned media types to “watch what they say, watch what they do” or ever complained about the liberal media. So it looks like we’re back at the 2009 “War On Fox” again, when the poor little network was fighting for its life against the constant assaults from the Obama White House and there was that one weekend when Obama went on all the Sunday shows except Fox’s. Read more on Fox News Getting Genocided Again By Thin-Skinned Unmanly Weasels Who Criticize Bill O’Reilly…
  hot gay action

Anti-Gay Group Leader Frothing Over ‘Hate Group’ Label Was Totally Gay-Married To David Duke

Tony Perkins, the head of the extreme anti-gay hate group the Family Research Council, says the Southern Poverty Law Center has blood on its hands after a pro-gay crazy guy came to the FRC’s DC office and tried to shoot up all the Christianists. Why is this the SPLC’s fault? Because the SPLC has been tracking the FRC as a “hate group” for years, mostly because they keep saying gay people should die, and according to Tony Perkins, this gave “license” to said crazy dude to murder them. Many very serious thinkers in the mainstream media have agreed with Perkins (this time only) because how on earth could the SPLC lump in “mainstream conservatives” like the Family Research Council with such luminous dignitaries as former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard (and now “mainstream conservative” himself!) David Duke? Oh, well, quite easily, as it turns out, seeing as how Tony Perkins and David Duke are basically doing sex in each other’s bottoms every time their eyes meet. Read more on Anti-Gay Group Leader Frothing Over ‘Hate Group’ Label Was Totally Gay-Married To David Duke…
  her favorite game

New Newspaper Reader Sarah Palin Decides Washington Post Is ‘Through’

What’s that? Is Sarah Palin reading newspapers now? Haha, no, she’s just retweeting the Weekly Standard again. But hey, we actually agree with her! The Washington Post is terrible! But it’s not “through” yet; it makes a lot of money gouging the government with its Kaplan brand of fake colleges and gouging rich parents with its Kaplan brand of test prep crap. Read more on New Newspaper Reader Sarah Palin Decides Washington Post Is ‘Through’…
  famous comedians

Dumb Dana Milbank/WaPo Online Team Already Break Palin Pledge

Dana Milbank has declared that he will not talk about Sarah Palin in February, in order to get media attention. It’s working! Until he posted this yesterday: “I survived Day One of my February Sarah Palin moratorium, defeating the evil plans of ABC News’s Rick Klein. Only 27 days to go…” Yeah, that’s him mentioning Sarah Palin. But wait! Update! “The sentence as written above was posted by an editor, not Dana. So Dana’s moratorium remains intact.” However, this post still says “By Dana Milbank” at top and bottom. So are all of Dana Milbank’s columns written by “an editor,” or just this one? And why can’t the Washington Post‘s awful Geocities-meets-Soviet-Russia website just change the author on this post? Read more on Dumb Dana Milbank/WaPo Online Team Already Break Palin Pledge…
  destroy the alamo!

Obama ‘Stood His Ground’ With Tax Deal, Says Dana Milbank

Hey! Obama finally did it, you guys! He has won over the key Dana Milbank constituency: “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of President Obama.” Sure, Dana Milbank was proud of Barack Obama when he was a child, but never as an adult. What could have prompted this important event in the adult lifetime of this important humor columnist? It is that Obama finally stood up for himself and his beliefs with his Republican plan to extend the Bush tax cuts, a truly inspiring moment in history for Washington Post columnists who care deeply about the crap they make up about politics. Read more on Obama ‘Stood His Ground’ With Tax Deal, Says Dana Milbank…
  poverty of something

Washington Post: Stupid Poor People Always Be Painting Murals

So remember that decision by the Washington Post to start a humor blog? This thing now exists. We have seen this thing. And, umm: Sometimes I think that the area I am living in is not dangerous enough, so I run outdoors and paint a mural. Little-known fact: the more murals a neighborhood has, the less safe it is. Walking past an actual mugging scares me less than coming down a dark alley late at night and seeing a mural entitled The Triumph of the Human Spirit. That tells you that you are probably not going to make it out of there intact. Read more on Washington Post: Stupid Poor People Always Be Painting Murals…
  number one song after number one song

Dana Milbank Thinks Female Dog Clinton Would Have Won Midterms

Here’s a fun thought experiment to distract us from rampant crap articles about Hillary Clinton running for vice-president: How would her party have fared in last Tuesday’s midterms if she was president? Pretty well, according to Dana Milbank! How does he know this? He discussed the matter with the world’s most impartial Hillary Clinton experts, “Clinton campaign advisers I spoke with.” According to these people, Clinton has some sort of magical “experience toolkit” that would have made voters hate the Democratic Party less, and she would have been bullied into being a less accomplished president. “Would the Democrats have lost fewer seats on Tuesday?” Dana asks. “It’s impossible to know.” But this guy still pretends he does know, and his answer is yes. Read more on Dana Milbank Thinks Female Dog Clinton Would Have Won Midterms…
  wapo's new bob woodward

Dana Milbank Pretty Sure Glenn Beck Is Going To Stage a Coup

For some reason (publisher needed to go bankrupt for tax reasons?), somebody gave Dana Milbank a book deal. It’s out today, and it’s about Glenn Beck and entitled Tears of a Clown: Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagging of America, because Dana Milbank must want to be the next Ed Schultz or something. To drum up book sales and arrive at his rightful place on the New York Times bestseller list, Milbank went on the Huffington Post today to let us all know that Glenn Beck, with help from fellow traveler Orrin Hatch, is in charge of a secret Mormon conspiracy to take over the federal government. Thanks for the heads-up, bro! Read more on Dana Milbank Pretty Sure Glenn Beck Is Going To Stage a Coup…
  youtube generation

Dana Milbank Moves To Op-Ed Page, Threatens ‘Humor Blogging’

We shouldn’t expect anything weird to be tacked onto this nice little Howard Kurtz profile about how Time is somehow currently profitable despite utter irrelevance, correct? OH GOD: “The Washington Post has a new op-ed columnist.” Yes, if Krauthammer can be entrusted with lots of money to turn in a logic-hating column every week, why can’t the other special-needs people at the Post, such as Dana Milbank? But what could be even worse? “[Milbank] says he will still write some sketches online and contribute to a Post humor blog.” A POST HUMOR BLOG? Oh sweet Obamar liberation-theology Jesus, thank you for the easy Wonkette material. Read more on Dana Milbank Moves To Op-Ed Page, Threatens ‘Humor Blogging’…
  rumors on the internets

Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate

Some IDF soldiers did a funny dance while “on patrol” (trying to find flotillas to murder). This lighthearted music video makes everything better; it heals all wounds, big and small. [Telegraph] Read more on Episcopal Fundamentalists Declare Jihad On U.S. Senate…
  why we need presidential elections every four months

Obama No Longer Good At Talking, Should Probably Resign

The reviews are in for the president’s big Oval Office speech last night, and the consensus is “Meh, this is stupid, why did I watch this stupid thing, this is stupid.” If the pundit class is bored of his speeches, can Obama really continue to be president? Probably not. Read more on Obama No Longer Good At Talking, Should Probably Resign…
  barack obama hates journalism

Breaking: Reporters Upset About Stuff, And Nukes

Dana Milbank is all hot and bothered about how he and his pals could not get access to crucial private meetings between leaders of states with massive caches of nuclear materials: “Reporters, even those on the White House beat for two decades, said it was the most restrictive set of meetings they had ever seen in Washington. They complained to both the administration and White House Correspondents’ Association, which will discuss the matter Wednesday with White House press secretary Robert Gibbs.” Doesn’t the White House trust serious reporters like Dana Milbank enough to know that they won’t fuck up these crucial private meetings between leaders of states with massive caches of nuclear materials? [Washington Post] Read more on Breaking: Reporters Upset About Stuff, And Nukes…
  bring back mouthpiece theater!

Dana Milbank Still Thinks Rahm Emanuel Is Awesome Even If Everybody Else Wants Him Fired

Everybody used to love Rahm Emanuel, the nine-and-a-half fingered dancing star, because he said “fuck” a lot and was considered, if not “Washington hot,” at least “hypertensive rage-filled arrogant monster hot.” But a year after the president’s chief of staff jetéd into office, everybody hates him, except for Dana Milbank, which is honestly not much better than being universally despised. Read more on Dana Milbank Still Thinks Rahm Emanuel Is Awesome Even If Everybody Else Wants Him Fired…
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The Sunday Washington Post Just Got A Whole Lot Wackier

The Washington Post opinion editors searched far and wide, from North to South Pole, from the highest canopies of the Amazon to the murky floor of the Indian Ocean, for a new genius to grace its Sunday edition with the most profound weekly insights on America, God, Morality, and other very important topics. The search for this Chosen One hath culminated, and it is… Dana Milbank, that lunatic down the hall who makes wacky videos about hippies and beer. This, combined with the paper’s recent price increase, makes it inexcusable to not purchase five copies of the Washington Post every day forever. [Michael Calderone] Read more on The Sunday Washington Post Just Got A Whole Lot Wackier…
  next: fire richard cohen

RIP: ‘Mouthpiece Theater,’ 2009-2009

Man, the top brass at the Washington Post are killing the everlasting shit out of Dana Milbank and Chris Cillizza’s horrific web gag “Mouthpiece Theater,” and not very discreetly! Both Cillizza and in-house arbiter of all that is true and fair in media, Howard Kurtz, have written long pieces about this Internet “experiment” gone bad, badder, and ultimately bad enough that Washingtonpost.com began choking to death on this ball-gag of experimental video-journalism. Read more on RIP: ‘Mouthpiece Theater,’ 2009-2009…
  dude is everything ok?

Smooth Move, Dana Milbank!

This wretched thing again. Dana Milbank and Chris Cillizza of the Washington Post ran with a very clever theme for this week’s “Embodiment Of All That Is Wrong With Washington” Theater comedy segment: what wacky made-up beers would various public officials drink if they were invited to the Beer Summit?! Cillizza jokes about how scumsucking ex-Rep. Chip Pickering, who divorced his wife after cheating on her constantly, for years, would drink “Bitter Woman From Hell,” now that she’s suing him — crazy women! — while Milbank suggests Hillary Clinton would drink “Mad Bitch.” Hmm! We’re sure Washington Post editors will discipline Milbank appropriately. (They will give him a raise.) [TPM via Washington Monthly] Read more on Smooth Move, Dana Milbank!…
  the most important news story since the beatles

Look, It’s That ‘Dana Milbank/Nico Pitney Fight’ Everyone’s Talking About

You may have viewed this film on other Internet blogs, but if not, prepare to cry. We have attempted several times in the past week to write about all of the mean news journalists — chiefly Dana Milbank, a dreadful clown — accusing HuffPo’s Nico Pitney of asking Barack Obama a “planted question,” from the Iran, but it gets us all hot and bothered, so just watch the fun video, right up there. [YouTube] Read more on Look, It’s That ‘Dana Milbank/Nico Pitney Fight’ Everyone’s Talking About…
  gah!

The *Good* News Is That These Two Probably Have Swine Flu Now

Well holy jesus shit. We didn’t know Chris Cillizza was a sociopath too! It sure infects everyone, at that newspaper, doesn’t it now. Also: way to go guys, at the end there, mocking Lee Fisher for being shirtless in a YouTube that was “circulating” last week! Maybe you should have mentioned that the clip is a moment of candor from a 2006 campaign documentary, and that it makes sense in that context. Or just keep postin’ that wacky video of the shirtless Democrat Lieutenant Governor from Ohio! The smear folks who cut the clip for YouTube and e-mailed it anonymously to every blogger will appreciate your efforts. Enjoy Swine Flu, boys! [YouTube] Read more on The *Good* News Is That These Two Probably Have Swine Flu Now…
  so much explained at once

WASHINGTON POST OP-ED FRIDAY WARBOMB EDITION

Ah, let’s see how the front page of Washingtonpost.com is promoting its opinion offerings this Friday: ***KRAUTHAMMER & WOLFOWITZ DOUBLE-TOP BILLING BABY, BOMB BOMB BOMB, FAP FAP***; Weird clown discusses health care reform — and the politics thereof!; IRONY: this guy was in the military and dislikes Don’t Ask Don’t Tell!; (oh and some fag we fired yesterday writes snoozer legal babble, just emptying the inventory here, ignore it.) [Washington Post] Read more on WASHINGTON POST OP-ED FRIDAY WARBOMB EDITION…