Sorry but this might be a “LOCALS ONLY” post and the rest of you are just going to have to deal with that, okay? Okay. PSST, HUMANS IN WASHINGTON: our local professional sports team, the Redskins, who play in Maryland, is the worst organization on Earth! MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Harry Reid and Sen. Olympia Snowe want to bring Al Gore’s stupid Live Aid rip-off show to DC… Jeff Bingaman, the man responsible for the stupid new daylight savings time start date, hates it as much as we do… Stevie Wonder, India.Arie, Chaka Khan, Smokey Robinson and Tony Bennett are all at the Capitol for some reason. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Crazy Kiefer Sutherland exhausts RS with his rocking. This is awesome, though, we’ll give ‘em that… Dan Snyder’s nanny is suing him. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: George Casey hurt himself jumping a fence. Pussy… Busboys and Poets named a ridiculous parody of hippie veganism after Dennis Kucinich… Everyone loves firefighters! [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: More on Gore’s concert: The Mall is booked that day… Dem Rep. Jim Oberstar hates all of you, especially Steny Hoyer. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Chuck Hagel skipped a fundraiser for wounded veterans because he HATES OUR TROOPS. [Politico]

Tom Cruise-enabling Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder announced he was buying the burger chain Johnny Rockets last month, but massive rats at the Georgetown location have apparently revolted against the purchase. MORE »

* “Do we really want to just hand over part of the city to Dan Snyder to develop as he sees fit? At best, the whole area would just be renamed Redskins Park. At worst (and with Snyder, it’s always worse), it would be called Snydertown or FedEx Heights…” [The DC Universe]
* Rock and Roll Hotel to serve middle Eastern inspired cuisine. [Frozen Tropics]
* People bitching about other people on public transportation. Always familiar, always satisfying, “But there is that one person who has decided that he NEEDS the plexiglass partition by the door and by GOD you are not going to make him move!” [Profiles in Toolness]
* DCFUD reviews Mendocino and goat cheese cheesecake with citrus sorbet. [DCFUD]
* Garden photography contest worth $500. [DC Master Gardener News]

* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. makes every member of his staff turn in their resignation, then wait to be rehired… Rep. Mike Pence wore a flashy new suit! He’s running for Minority Leader, so a second suit can’t hurt… Isaac Hayes was on The Hill lobbying for the recording industry. Also, he’s a Scientologist. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Redskins owner/obvious bastard Dan Snyder will be attending Tom Cruise’s cult wedding… More Shelley Sekula-Gibbs, still no details on just how “mean.” [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: As a publicist has already made sure to alert us, Eva Longoria was in town. She told a few jokes at a luncheon or something… Jim McGreevey might be on Joan Rivers’ new show, the Gay View… Freshmen Senators are stuck in the basements of Dirksen and Hart, Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown forced to share copier. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: George Allen’s sister Jennifer wrote stories even dirtier than Jim Webb’s… Alan Keyes, Rep. Chip Pickering (R-Miss.) and former Rep. Bob Barr (R-Ga.). are all in Borat… Senators-elect Sherrod Brown and Amy Klobuchar are former students of Joe Lieberman at Yale… Rep. Allyson Schwartz (D-Pa.) reports: Congress is like High School! [The Hill]

• Reliable Source: G-town restaurant Nathan’s is closing. Vernon Jordon inconsolable, hotdog-less. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Asian Baby are buying a home in Northern Virginia, to be closer to their new benefactor, Redskins owner Dan Snyder… Harvard alums publish first magazine ever to beat off Barack Obama for no reason but not call him a “hottie”… John Boehner says he totally would’ve beat Mark Foely’s ass. Seriously. Just let him try that shit again. If his girl wasn’t here, man… [Examiner]

• Reliable Source: John Snow brings entourage of reporters, aides, and security to go holiday shopping. . . D.C. Style magazine believes sex sells. . . Bob Novak, Dan Snyder, Bernard Shaw spotted at Redskins-Cowboys game. [WP]
• Inside Politics: Media Research Center names CBS as the most liberal network in ‘05. [WT] MORE »

Redskins owner Dan Snyder has formed a partnership with an ESPN executive and a local homebuilder to purchase the Six Flags Theme Park chain. Early reports indicate that Snyder is eyeing the theme park’s irksome dancing-old-man-in-a-tux mascot as the Redskins’ next starting quarterback. — HOLLY MARTINS MORE »

• “Getting Started: What Button Do I Push?” The mayor blogs. [DC.gov]
• Dan Snyder wants roller coasters. [WSJ]
• DC DMV treats language as well as it does customers: Agency facilities present “a crisis of crisis proportions for the DMV.” [WT]
• Where the wonks gather. [WP]
• Washington loses another hot-for-DC bachelor: ABC’s Jake Tapper to get hitched to Jen Brown. Who says the Iowa caucuses were pointless? [Philly.com]