Wonkette

Forgotten former vice president Dan Quayle is always wrong about everything, so the Obama campaign is surely horrified that the Indiana lightweight “respects” Barack and believes John McCain faces an “uphill battle” in November. Sure, everybody else believes that, too. But if Dan Quayle is endorsing this conventional wisdom … well, see you in Iraq in the year 2108. MORE »

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Where is that handgun we keep around the office for emergency suicides? CNN just “teased” the big story that Dan Quayle — apparently still alive — is not running for president. Well, gosh! And how about Jeanne Kirkpatrick, is she officially out of the race? What about I Dream of Jeannie star Barbara Eden, or TV’s Murphy Brown? MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: Rep. Rob Simmons (R-Conn.) “gave an impassioned defense of the use of dog booties.” to the Homeland Security Committee Wednesday… House Majority Leader John Boehner never thought he’d get elected, because people pronounce his name “Boner.” [Roll Call]
• Under the Dome: Rep. Ralph Hall (R-Texas) and former Rep. Billy Tauzin (R-La.) are performing a vaudeville comedy routine at the Shakespeare Theatre Company, accompanied by “congressional band” the Second Amendments. [The Hill]
• Reliable Source: NPR correspondent Daniel Schorr is turning 90 next month. NPR had a party for him and named a studio after him… Antonin Scalia “downed ceviche and pisco sours” at a farewell party for the Peruvian Ambassador. [WP]
• Lowdown: CBS News pulled an interview with a Canadian activist, possibly because they fear aggravating President Bush. [NYDN]
• Page Six: For reasons unfathomable to everyone, Charles Barkley sides with John ‘Cougar’ Mellencamp in his feud with Dan Quayle. [NYP]

• Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky is completely right, we must “plug the donut hole.” [Hill Blog]

• CNN is there for you, no matter how bad it gets. [Drink At Work]
• A little ditty, bout Jack and Dan - two American has-beens, doin’ the best they can. [Newsmax]
• Any government employee who says they do it for their country is lying, it’s all about the foreign poontang. [Girls Are Pretty]
• Jim Kolbe spends worthwhile money, not no tens and twenties. [CNN Money]

• Oh yeah, we heard you patting yourself on the back for not being a dumb ol’ AT&T customer. “The NSA can’t find me! Ha ha ha!” Well, if you’re reading this, they can. [Rox Populi]

• Once we croak, it’s first-come, first-serve for the inevitable lawsuits. Start buttering us up now. You could start by buying us a carton or two. [Hit & Run]
• The Corner: “Things turned around when folks decided that Dan Quayle was right.” Do you really want context? [The Corner]
• Just in case you missed it: New School student Jean Rohe defies noted cockblocker Bob Kerrey, gives speech mocking John McCain right before his commencement speech, posts it on HuffPo (natch). McCain’s Chief of Staff, Mark Salter, responds angrily in the comments, calls her a commie or something, it’s sorta long. Rohe says, stop being mean to me. She’s a music major, lay off! [HuffPo]

• Novak gone from CNN? [TVNewser]
• Dan Quayle: “Non, je ne regrette rien.” [Gawker]
• Downie tried everything short of showing up dressed in Saran Wrap to keep Steve Coll from jumping to the NYer. [NYT]
• Rather will miss drunk-dialing Jennings. [NYM]
• Potential FCC guideline: “we’d like to explore bringing soccer uniforms up to the decency standards of more fully clothed American sports such as baseball and football.” [AdAge]

Senator Jack Reed of Rhode Island Jeff Sessions of Alabama Alaska*, taking the Dan Quayle memorial short elevator to work. MORE »