Tag Archives: dallas

  Ninth-Graders Break Out 'Truckload Of Bowling Balls' Jokes

Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom

You'll never get anywhere with that de-fetus attitude
Big excitement at Woodrow Wilson High School in Dallas, where a fetus was found in a women’s restroom Friday, leading to approximately five million police descending on the school, as well as an equal number of shocked reactions about the horrors of a teen mother callously abandoning her infant. Read more on Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom…
  North Dallas Folly

Sovereign Citizen Hero Fails To Spark Revolution By Threatening Babysitter, Setting Fire, Shooting At Cops

Can't imagine why patriots keep failing to follow these guys,
Yet another sovereign citizen has utterly failed to get anyone to follow him into battle against the oppressive government forces that must be overthrown in order to secure American liberty. This time it was a disgruntled armed 60-year-old man, Douglas Lee Leguin of suburban Corinth, who set fire to a dumpster in a gated community in Dallas and waited to ambush police and firefighters. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Hero Fails To Spark Revolution By Threatening Babysitter, Setting Fire, Shooting At Cops…
  triumph of the wtf

Idiots Wave Guns Around At Dealey Plaza To Prove Guns Never Hurt Anybody

Pink AR-15 is pink
A group of Constitution-loving patriots from Come And Take It Dallas — not the more familiar Open Carry Texas — gathered in Dallas’s Dealey Plaza, near the grassy knoll, on July 19 (the narrator keeps saying it’s “June 19,” but it’s July) to celebrate the Second Amendment and to grouse about foreigners, who are foreign and don’t understand America or freedom. They recorded a video of themselves saying about nine million times that they aren’t going to give up their guns no matter what. Also, they will not give up their guns no matter what, and in addition they will not give up their guns no matter what. It’s not entirely clear what their message was, really. Read more on Idiots Wave Guns Around At Dealey Plaza To Prove Guns Never Hurt Anybody…
  where to travel in 2016

Republicans Close To Deciding Which Character-Free Hellhole Of A City They Will Invade In 2016

The Republican National Committee is busy narrowing down the list of potential host cities for its 2016 convention. Last week the list dropped by two, with Cincinnati and Las Vegas dropping their bids; Cincinnati because, well, Cincinnati, and Vegas for a whole host of reasons. Needless to say, yr Wonkette was devastated by Vegas’s decision. We were giddy – GIDDY – at the thought of a) the entire Wonkette writing staff covering the convention in person and b) all those wingnut dipwads showing up on the convention floor hung over, pockets having been emptied by every roulette wheel, blackjack table and high-priced call girl from one end of the Strip to the other. All the potential scandals for delegates and candidates to get caught up in … dear Lord, we ask You for so, so little… Let’s take a look at the four cities left in the running, along with their pros and cons. Read more on Republicans Close To Deciding Which Character-Free Hellhole Of A City They Will Invade In 2016…
  no snark zone

Super Nice Time: Texas Man Pays Off Delinquent Student Lunch Accounts So Kids Can Eat

It’s Friday afternoon. You’re either immersed in the Olympics or avoiding the Olympics or drunk already or a combo of the two. Why not take a break from all that and join us for some totally legit nice time? You know how often we have to write about terrible people being terrible and literally ripping food out of the hands of hungry children because their parents haven’t paid up. Yes, we said “have to” because it happens ALL THE TIME. But today, we get to bring you a nice time story about a dude who paid up the delinquent lunch fees of a bunch of kids, because this guy is unironically literally the best. [Dallas resident Kenny] Thompson found that dozens of children in his area were on “reduced lunches”–meaning that instead of a hot meal, they got cold cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because their parents had fallen behind on payments on the lunches–which cost about 40 cents a day. So he decided to do something. He forked over $465 of his own money to cover the debts of the over 60 students whose accounts had gone into the red. Read more on Super Nice Time: Texas Man Pays Off Delinquent Student Lunch Accounts So Kids Can Eat…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  you're talking a lot but you're not saying anything

Alex Jones Saves Dallas JFK Commemoration From Being Alex Jonesless, Shouts Self Hoarse, Gets Punched

Here’s some exciting video of Alex Jones basically not understanding how a bullhorn works, screaming a the top of his lungs into an amplification device until he has a coughing fit. He was in Dallas today to protest the exclusion of conspiracy theorists from the city’s official commemoration of JFK’s assassination, because America needs the truth about Lizard Harvey Oswald and the Cigarette-Smoking Man. Yr Doktor Zoom is among the sheeple who thinks Oswald acted alone, but even if we thought there was anything to a conspiracy scenario, knowing that Alex Jones found it likely would dissuade us from believing it. Here’s a sampling of the Uncomfortable Truths that Jones shared with his radio/interwebs audience: “Your children have no future. There are cancer viruses in their vaccines. You’re being killed by eugenics. They write books about how they’re doing it to you, and you’re up there laughing. Well, that’s why your kid can’t talk. That’s why so many of you that work for the system — your wife’s dying young, you’re going to die young, and you will go to your grave worshipping the government.” Read more on Alex Jones Saves Dallas JFK Commemoration From Being Alex Jonesless, Shouts Self Hoarse, Gets Punched…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ’em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  little miss dangerous

Ted Nugent’s Wife Accidentally Second Amendments DFW Airport

Shemane Nugent, wife of NRA Board Member Ted Nugent, is the very model of a responsible gun owner. Which probably explains why she was arrested Thursday night when the TSA found a handgun in her carry on luggage as she prepared to board a flight at Dallas/Ft Worth International Airport. But don’t worry — according to her attorney, David Finn, it was simply an “honest mistake”: Finn said Nugent had worked late and got up early Thursday for the airport, and either “completely forgot or never knew the weapon was in her bag.” No big whoop. When Real American Patriots have all the guns they need to keep themselves safe from crime and tyranny, it’s only reasonable that they’ll lose track of one now and then. Honestly, who doesn’t keep spare guns all over the place? We keep finding them under the couch cushions or in the vegetable crisper and we honestly have no idea how they got there. Read more on Ted Nugent’s Wife Accidentally Second Amendments DFW Airport…
  hot pixxx

Wonkette Saw Dallas From A DC-9 At Night

Just kidding, no we didn’t. We saw Dallas from our Aunt Annie’s house, because of how she lives there. And we saw … some of you! We forget who you were, because of how it has now been 127 years since our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour And Orgy ended, and we are JUST NOW getting up the final three batches of party pix just in time for TONIGHT’S MIAMI DRINKY THING at the Tiki Bar, 1505 Washington Ave., South Beach, at 6 p.m.! We will buy you a Scorpion! Click through for hot pix. Read more on Wonkette Saw Dallas From A DC-9 At Night…
  Fetal Attraction

Rick Santorum Thinks It Would Be Fun To Run A Movie Studio

As if losing elections for the U.S. Senate and the presidency weren’t enough, Rick Santorum now looks forward to driving a movie studio into bankruptcy! The frothy one has been named CEO of EchoLight Studios, a Christian movie company based in Dallas. Santorum was excited to get to work doing to movies what he’s done for politics: “This is the right place and right time, and I’ve jumped in with both feet,” the former Pennsylvania senator and 2012 presidential candidate said in a statement. “I often say that culture is upstream from politics, and I know entertainment also can be strength and light for people who want to be uplifted and reinforced in their values.” It seems like a match made in heaven (the Catholic one). After all, the movie industry is dying for lack of ideas and an anachronistic business model, so Rick Santorum should fit right in. The studio’s first movie, “The Redemption of Henry Myers,” is set to be released this fall; it’s described as “a Western about a bank robber choosing between revenge and Redemption.” We can’t wait to see the scene in which the bank robber gets $18,000 to lecture high school students that they need to beware of Muslims. Read more on Rick Santorum Thinks It Would Be Fun To Run A Movie Studio…
  walker's sexy rangers

Madison Partiers Celebrate Their Right To Wonk

YOU CAN’T. YOU CAN’T JUST SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE FACE. Well, we are finally updatin’ atcha with pictures from our Madison, Wisconsin, party, which must have been two months ago now, but after five hard years on the road, we no longer have a concept of things like “months” and “time.” In fact, since that party happened, we actually lost a brother on the fields of Bloody Lawrence — MAN DOWN! — and Miss Lisa Wines had to take a Greyhound bus from Lawrence, Kansas, to Oklahoma City to catch back up. (Wonk parties aren’t for amateurs, LISA.) (Speaking of amateurs: we will be in Dallas TONIGHT at the Uptown Pub, 3605 McKinney Ave., Dallas, TX, US 75204, (214) 522-5100. And we will be in Austin tomorrow, with a party Saturday!) Read more on Madison Partiers Celebrate Their Right To Wonk…
  Norman Conquest

Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!

Attention Wonklahomans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is on its exciting “Homeward Bound: The Quickening” leg (also known as the “Hey, does this Prius smell funny to you?” leg), and is swinging back through the Sooner State tonight! As part of an exclusive two-day side tour of cities whose names sound like boys who get picked on in 8th grade, Wonk Your Brains Out follows its trip to Lawrence, Kansas with a stop in Norman, Oklahoma. TONIGHT! Tues., June 18, 6 p.m. at The Mont, 1300 Classen Blvd Norman, OK 73071, (405) 329-3330. We’ll be in the Tiki Hut! (It’s Doktor Zoom’s birthday, but he won’t be there, so maybe you could email him some beer!) Read more on Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!…
  the day before the morning after

Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!

Hey, Wonkansanites! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is thundering into your fine state like… like… like two road-ragey ladies in a Prius, we think! And tonight is the night that they will “drop the bomb” on Lawrence, Kansas, a joke that we are 100% certain you guys have not been thoroughly tired of since 1983 at all! Be there, or risk the fallout: Mon., June 17, 6 p.m.: Lawrence, Kansas. Frank’s North Star Tavern, 508 Locust St., Lawrence, KS, (785) 856-5080. Read more on Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!…
  children of the horn

Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!

Hola dudes, sorry we haven’t rapped at you lately, or uploaded all our pictures of your beautiful faces in Chicago, and Madison, and Minneapolis, and whatnot. We will get on that right away sort of! Are we going to throw a party in Des Moines, Iowa, for you tonight? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Goddamn are we tired. But we will be eating hamburgers and beer at El Bait Shop at 6 p.m., if you want to come and stare at us like a creep, or even NOT stare at us like a creep, but muster up your social skills and sit down at our table, and buy us dinner instead! (You don’t actually have to buy us dinner. BUT YOU COULD!) Read more on Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!…