Tag Archives: dallas

  you're talking a lot but you're not saying anything

Alex Jones Saves Dallas JFK Commemoration From Being Alex Jonesless, Shouts Self Hoarse, Gets Punched

Here’s some exciting video of Alex Jones basically not understanding how a bullhorn works, screaming a the top of his lungs into an amplification device until he has a coughing fit. He was in Dallas today to protest the exclusion of conspiracy theorists from the city’s official commemoration of JFK’s assassination, because America needs the truth about Lizard Harvey Oswald and the Cigarette-Smoking Man. Yr Doktor Zoom is among the sheeple who thinks Oswald acted alone, but even if we thought there was anything to a conspiracy scenario, knowing that Alex Jones found it likely would dissuade us from believing it. Here’s a sampling of the Uncomfortable Truths that Jones shared with his radio/interwebs audience: “Your children have no future. There are cancer viruses in their vaccines. You’re being killed by eugenics. They write books about how they’re doing it to you, and you’re up there laughing. Well, that’s why your kid can’t talk. That’s why so many of you that work for the system — your wife’s dying young, you’re going to die young, and you will go to your grave worshipping the government.” Read more on Alex Jones Saves Dallas JFK Commemoration From Being Alex Jonesless, Shouts Self Hoarse, Gets Punched…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ’em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  little miss dangerous

Ted Nugent’s Wife Accidentally Second Amendments DFW Airport

Shemane Nugent, wife of NRA Board Member Ted Nugent, is the very model of a responsible gun owner. Which probably explains why she was arrested Thursday night when the TSA found a handgun in her carry on luggage as she prepared to board a flight at Dallas/Ft Worth International Airport. But don’t worry — according to her attorney, David Finn, it was simply an “honest mistake”: Finn said Nugent had worked late and got up early Thursday for the airport, and either “completely forgot or never knew the weapon was in her bag.” No big whoop. When Real American Patriots have all the guns they need to keep themselves safe from crime and tyranny, it’s only reasonable that they’ll lose track of one now and then. Honestly, who doesn’t keep spare guns all over the place? We keep finding them under the couch cushions or in the vegetable crisper and we honestly have no idea how they got there. Read more on Ted Nugent’s Wife Accidentally Second Amendments DFW Airport…
  hot pixxx

Wonkette Saw Dallas From A DC-9 At Night

Just kidding, no we didn’t. We saw Dallas from our Aunt Annie’s house, because of how she lives there. And we saw … some of you! We forget who you were, because of how it has now been 127 years since our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour And Orgy ended, and we are JUST NOW getting up the final three batches of party pix just in time for TONIGHT’S MIAMI DRINKY THING at the Tiki Bar, 1505 Washington Ave., South Beach, at 6 p.m.! We will buy you a Scorpion! Click through for hot pix. Read more on Wonkette Saw Dallas From A DC-9 At Night…
  Fetal Attraction

Rick Santorum Thinks It Would Be Fun To Run A Movie Studio

As if losing elections for the U.S. Senate and the presidency weren’t enough, Rick Santorum now looks forward to driving a movie studio into bankruptcy! The frothy one has been named CEO of EchoLight Studios, a Christian movie company based in Dallas. Santorum was excited to get to work doing to movies what he’s done for politics: “This is the right place and right time, and I’ve jumped in with both feet,” the former Pennsylvania senator and 2012 presidential candidate said in a statement. “I often say that culture is upstream from politics, and I know entertainment also can be strength and light for people who want to be uplifted and reinforced in their values.” It seems like a match made in heaven (the Catholic one). After all, the movie industry is dying for lack of ideas and an anachronistic business model, so Rick Santorum should fit right in. The studio’s first movie, “The Redemption of Henry Myers,” is set to be released this fall; it’s described as “a Western about a bank robber choosing between revenge and Redemption.” We can’t wait to see the scene in which the bank robber gets $18,000 to lecture high school students that they need to beware of Muslims. Read more on Rick Santorum Thinks It Would Be Fun To Run A Movie Studio…
  walker's sexy rangers

Madison Partiers Celebrate Their Right To Wonk

YOU CAN’T. YOU CAN’T JUST SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE FACE. Well, we are finally updatin’ atcha with pictures from our Madison, Wisconsin, party, which must have been two months ago now, but after five hard years on the road, we no longer have a concept of things like “months” and “time.” In fact, since that party happened, we actually lost a brother on the fields of Bloody Lawrence — MAN DOWN! — and Miss Lisa Wines had to take a Greyhound bus from Lawrence, Kansas, to Oklahoma City to catch back up. (Wonk parties aren’t for amateurs, LISA.) (Speaking of amateurs: we will be in Dallas TONIGHT at the Uptown Pub, 3605 McKinney Ave., Dallas, TX, US 75204, (214) 522-5100. And we will be in Austin tomorrow, with a party Saturday!) Read more on Madison Partiers Celebrate Their Right To Wonk…
  Norman Conquest

Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!

Attention Wonklahomans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is on its exciting “Homeward Bound: The Quickening” leg (also known as the “Hey, does this Prius smell funny to you?” leg), and is swinging back through the Sooner State tonight! As part of an exclusive two-day side tour of cities whose names sound like boys who get picked on in 8th grade, Wonk Your Brains Out follows its trip to Lawrence, Kansas with a stop in Norman, Oklahoma. TONIGHT! Tues., June 18, 6 p.m. at The Mont, 1300 Classen Blvd Norman, OK 73071, (405) 329-3330. We’ll be in the Tiki Hut! (It’s Doktor Zoom’s birthday, but he won’t be there, so maybe you could email him some beer!) Read more on Tonight! The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour Is Stormin’ Norman, Oklahoma!…
  the day before the morning after

Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!

Hey, Wonkansanites! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest-Southwest Orgy and World Tour is thundering into your fine state like… like… like two road-ragey ladies in a Prius, we think! And tonight is the night that they will “drop the bomb” on Lawrence, Kansas, a joke that we are 100% certain you guys have not been thoroughly tired of since 1983 at all! Be there, or risk the fallout: Mon., June 17, 6 p.m.: Lawrence, Kansas. Frank’s North Star Tavern, 508 Locust St., Lawrence, KS, (785) 856-5080. Read more on Tonight: Lawrence, Kansas Is Ground Zero For The Wonk Your Brains Out Orgy & World Tour!…
  children of the horn

Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!

Hola dudes, sorry we haven’t rapped at you lately, or uploaded all our pictures of your beautiful faces in Chicago, and Madison, and Minneapolis, and whatnot. We will get on that right away sort of! Are we going to throw a party in Des Moines, Iowa, for you tonight? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Goddamn are we tired. But we will be eating hamburgers and beer at El Bait Shop at 6 p.m., if you want to come and stare at us like a creep, or even NOT stare at us like a creep, but muster up your social skills and sit down at our table, and buy us dinner instead! (You don’t actually have to buy us dinner. BUT YOU COULD!) Read more on Why Yes, You May Buy Us Dinner In Iowa Tonight!…
  bottoms up

Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour Starts … Well, Almost Now!

And so it begins. Week One of our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour starts this coming Wednesday, and mama has yet to get a fucking tuneup, gah. Remember, all parties are free unless’n you want to bring a checkbook with donations for Habitat for Humanity, and no, you do not have to be a commenter to attend. We love lurkers best, since they are never BOTHERING us with their SHIT. (Also, you can bring some 20s if you want, we will be selling merch out of the trunk of our car, because “class.”) Wed., June 5, 6 p.m.: We begin in Sarah Palin’s new home state of Scottsdale, Arizona. There will be line dancing or something? We do not know, it is all fucked up. (BLAME LISA WINES, SHE PICKED IT.) Handlebar J, 7116 E Becker Ln., Scottsdale, AZ 85254, (480) 948-0110. Read more on Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour Starts … Well, Almost Now!…
  voicemails of note

Unsuccessful Dallas City Council Candidate Informs Insufficiently Homophobic Reporter Of His Ball-lessness, Resemblance To Lady Bits

As a woman what has been in the media for eeep, more than 22 years (?!), your editrix is not unfamiliar with voicemails of the angrier kind. Over the decades, she has been called a cunt and a Nazi and cunt Nazi, whose attitude could only be adjusted by a proper, good-old-fashioned raping. She has even had candidates for electoral office inform her voicemail that she was fucking DANA ROHRABACHER, for sweet Jesus’s sake. She deserved all these messages, obviously, for being a lady what wrote a newspaper column. But did she deserve it as much as D Magazine’s Dan Koller? Probably not, since Koller did not sufficiently inform his readers that a Dallas City Council candidate was a big homofag, and a gentleman running against said homofag found this untoward! (Audio at preceding link.) Let us listen in. Read more on Unsuccessful Dallas City Council Candidate Informs Insufficiently Homophobic Reporter Of His Ball-lessness, Resemblance To Lady Bits…
  let's party!

Argue Amongst Yourselves: Announcing A Rough Draft Of The Wonket Drinky Thing Midwest/Southwest June World Tour!

O hai, we are just making this itinerary. We are getting in the car and actually taking a vacation, one that includes paying someone to be us on this here mommyblog while we are gone, so our only responsibilities for just shy of three weeks will be buying you beer and seeing our mama. It has no dates attached to it except for “mid to late June,” and many of the smaller places (we are talking to you Des Moines) are negotiable for other towns and cities nearby if we hear from a whole bunch of folks that, say, FUCK DES MOINES, etc. So check it: Somewhere around June 15 or 16 or one millionth, we leave Los Angeles for …. Read more on Argue Amongst Yourselves: Announcing A Rough Draft Of The Wonket Drinky Thing Midwest/Southwest June World Tour!…
  stand your porch

Great American Shooting Fad Continues: Take Two, Doggie Style

Hello Wonkette Trend Watchers! What have we in the world of trigger-happy madness today? It looks like America’s mania for shooting folks is showing no signs of abating. And people are so eager to hop on board this trend that the level of provocation considered acceptable grounds for gun-play is reaching new lows. They’re all in love with dying and they’re doing it in Texas. Yes, Dallas, Texas — where a 75-year-old man repeatedly shot two people who lived, and then died, in the apartment above him, because their dog’s pee-pee and poops repeatedly landed on his porch. Read more on Great American Shooting Fad Continues: Take Two, Doggie Style…
  freedumb of speech

They Killed Kennedy! Those Bastards!

Because America is terrible, we have to (have to? get to!) commemorate the last time we managed to successfully kill a president. USA! USA! Believe it or not, we’ve managed to limp along for 50 years without a random nutjob (or a gaggle/plethora/cell/swarm/herd/nest/whatever of nutjobs) knocking off the resident of our nation’s highest elected office. Dallas, having the misfortune to be both, well, Dallas, and the location of the last shooting, was thinking it would be kinda sorta nice to commemorate the prez that got himself shot in their fair city: Read more on They Killed Kennedy! Those Bastards!…
  declaration of fabulous!

Your Morning Nice-Time Gospel: Sing Out Brothers And Sisters, Testify, Amen

Senior Pastor Frederick Haynes III, of the Friendship West Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas, do you maybe have some thoughts on President Barack Gaybama’s personal statement of support for homosexual marriage from a week or seven back? Would you perhaps care to TESTIFY? And would you, Wonket brothers and sisters, actually like to start your morning in a nice way instead of on your usual breakfast of bile and rage? Read more on Your Morning Nice-Time Gospel: Sing Out Brothers And Sisters, Testify, Amen…
  into the brush

Mercury Cougar Assassinates George W. Bush’s Front Lawn

Some guy was showing off his muscle car to his friends in George W. Bush’s neighborhood last night and lost control of the car, ending up crashed on the former president’s lawn. Sounds like Georgie’s got the gang back together. Read more on Mercury Cougar Assassinates George W. Bush’s Front Lawn…
  miles and miles of truck nutz

Texan Lady Sad About Those Vulgar Truck Nutz Dangling From the Bumper of Every Texan Vehicle

Here’s an Ironic Dilemma of Our Times: The only people truly offended by the dumb novelty item called “Truck Nutz” live in the only places where Truck Nutz are commonplace. Conservative church ladies simply don’t care for the plastic replicas of giant testicles swinging from all those pickup truck bumpers. Aren’t white people supposed to have morals? Read more on Texan Lady Sad About Those Vulgar Truck Nutz Dangling From the Bumper of Every Texan Vehicle…
  republicans in the news

GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose

Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly fantasizes about being killed for/by God, the only thing left was for the remaining wingnuts to move into caves, with their tea bags and their goats. And this may well have happened, as only 21% of Americans reachable by telephone now admit to being Republican. Anyway, now Pete Sessions is saying Obama is intentionally (and magically) causing both unemployment and a decline in the stock markets. True, maybe?! Read more on GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose…
  wtf?

Brave Reporter Actually Calls Up Georgia Mayor To Solve Facebook Status Mystery

Oh hot dang, somebody got ahold of an old-fashioned talky device called a “telephone” and called the mayor of the fancifully named Dallas, Georgia to learn what he meant when he posted something on Facebook about Obama giving Gordon Brown “a quart of the Bull.” Was this horrible racism? And does it mean that your editor is hopelessly old and naive that the first thing she thought of when she heard “the Bull” was Red Bull? Read more on Brave Reporter Actually Calls Up Georgia Mayor To Solve Facebook Status Mystery…
  fallen leaders

George Bush Already Forgotten In Texas Schools

George W. Bush, remember that guy? Liked to dance with foreign leaders and start wars a lot? He’s so much more likable now that he’s not running the country! For example, back in the day if he’d had the temerity to visit a local elementary school we would probably have said something snide like, “Oh great you remember what happened the last time he read a book to childrens,” but now we can just write about how darling it all was. Read more on George Bush Already Forgotten In Texas Schools…
  real estate section

Bush Will Abandon Hippie Crawford Enclave For Dallas Palace

One of the only nifty things about our soon-to-be-former President George W. Bush was his ranch house in Crawford, Texas. It was environmentally awesome, you see! Geothermal heat, underground rainwater collection tanks, native plants all over the place, built out of cheap local limestone — Prairie Chapel Ranch was Bush’s secret hippie paradise. Sometimes when he acted like a real jerk, all lying us into war and bombing places and extraditing terror suspects to scary Polish prisons and using the Constitution as a snot rag, we would think, “Well, he can’t be one hundred percent awful, because look at that tastefully decorated (ignore the old-lady chairs in that photo) and relatively small house he spends all his time in.” Now that he no longer has to keep up even an appearance of normalcy or sanity, he’ll be moving to Dallas. Read more on Bush Will Abandon Hippie Crawford Enclave For Dallas Palace…