Tag Archives: dallas

  Point and laugh some more

Wingnut Texas AG Has Hilarious, Beautiful Meltdown Over Gay Marriage

The schadenfreude is almost as fun as the equality.
You know how toddlers do sometimes when they skip their naps and the simplest perceived slight turns into a 30-minute-long RAGER of a screaming, crying temper tantrum? Well, that is what is happening to Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton right now, and it is beautiful. We’d say somebody should intervene, but we think we’re gonna have to just let him cry it out. He issued the following hysterical screed in response to Friday’s Supreme Court marriage equality ruling, because it just hurts so bad to be a fucking loser like Ken Paxton right now. Here are a few of the best quotes: Read more on Wingnut Texas AG Has Hilarious, Beautiful Meltdown Over Gay Marriage…
  Oh Goody More Guns

New Texas ‘Open Carry’ Gun Law Still Won’t Let You Do Crimes, Have Gun. Sooooo Unfair

Hard to say whether these are rifles or handguns. Either way, she can openly carry 'em now in Texas.
Terrific news for freedom and stuff in Texas! Gov. Greg Abbott signed two great big gun laws on Saturday, making it legal for Texans with permits to carry handguns openly, and for concealed carry permit holders to carry their guns on college campuses. But don’t be fooled! Wackaloon Open Carry Advocate Kory Watkins wants you all to know that if you really loved the Second Amendment, you’d recognize that Abbott is a tyrant, because there’s nothing in the Constitution about permits. So far, he hasn’t specifically called for Abbott to be executed (after a fair trial for treason), but then, Watkins thinks most of Texas’s elected officials need to swing from the tree of liberty. Read more on New Texas ‘Open Carry’ Gun Law Still Won’t Let You Do Crimes, Have Gun. Sooooo Unfair…
  Teach us oh white people!

How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?

The cats are cuter than anything you'll read in this post.
Ever since the alleged police murder of Freddie Gray and the rioting that followed, white wingnuts have been trying SO HARD to do something — anything! — to help the poor black communities of Baltimore recover and move on from this tragedy. Because they care so much, honest! Should we cut off their food stamps? Give everybody more guns, so they can Stand Their Ground? Send them all some more Jesus, and good dads like Rand Paul? Well, worry not, because there are still more turd ideas to throw at the wall, so here is this week’s roundup of White Wingnut Wisdom for Baltimorean Blacks! Read more on How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?…
  You'd Think Hate And Rage Would Bring People Together More

First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event

She seems nice
A bunch of anti-Muslim extremists in Texas were attacked by a couple of Muslim extremists yesterday, proving that America needs to take much more extreme measures to protect itself from Muslim extremists. In the Dallas suburb of Garland, Texas, the charming folks of the “American Freedom Defense Initiative,” Pam Geller’s happy band of Islamophobes, were holding a widely publicized contest to find the bestest possible cartoon of the prophet Mohammed — a $10,000 prize to the cartoon that best captured what Islamophobes think is funny — when two men drove up and shot an unarmed security guard in the ankle; Garland police officers returned fire, killing the attackers immediately. Read more on First And Second Amendments In Battle To Death As A**holes Shoot Up Texan Anti-Islam Event…
  The Glassy-Eyed Knoll

Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane

Don't be silly. Everyone knows O'Reilly doesn't know how to play bass
For fans of Bill O’Reilly in full red-faced “I never said what I obviously said” mode, the next couple days should be fun. No, Bill O’Reilly was not at a Kennedy assassination figure’s suicide, Deep Throat’s parking garage, or the moon landing. Read more on Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane…
  Best Little Oilhouse In Texas

Incoming Texas Gov Has Had It Up To Here With You Yokels Governing Yourselves

Use Arial and clip art on your facebook, you know what's coming.
Freedom and local sovereignty are quite the big deal in Texas, unless you and your neighbors want to do something that’s plainly wrong, like banning fracking in your town, and then by golly it’s time to remember that the battle cry is States’ Rights, not city-of-Denton or city-of-Dallas rights, you damned splitters. Which is why Texas Gov.-elect Greg Abbott is warning that unless someone reigns in these turbulent municipal governments, then Freedom Itself is in danger. In fact, if the state government doesn’t unify things and tamp town on all this local control, Texas could turn into some kind of nightmare hellscape: Read more on Incoming Texas Gov Has Had It Up To Here With You Yokels Governing Yourselves…
  Oh Also The Entire Premise of The Story Is False. Did We Mention That?

Texas Walmart Discriminates Against Shotgun Wedding Photo (With Actual Shotgun)

NOT EVEN LIBERAL BLOG WONKETTE is offended by this. Giggling at, yes. Offended, no.
Yr Wonkette likes to think we are firmly in the radical gun-grabbing kneejerk pantywaist big sissy liberal portion of the political spectrum, but once in a rare while we find ourselves reading about something that is so idiotic that Even the Liberal Blog Wonkette has to agree it’s just too stupid for words. For instance, this story from Dallas about a nice couple, Stephanie Wehner and her fiancé Mitch Strobl, who submitted a packet of engagement photos to Walmart for copying. The photos came back with one photo missing — a tender loving picture of the gal, the beau, and the beau’s first true love, a “12 gauge Ruger Red Label Shotgun,” the very first gun he bought himself. Read more on Texas Walmart Discriminates Against Shotgun Wedding Photo (With Actual Shotgun)…
  The Big Ebolaski

Erick Erickson Blames Fat Lesbians For Lack Of An Ebola Vaccine

Srs political thought is srs bsns
As we enter Week Umpteen of the National Compulsory Ebola Freakout, complete with a second U.S. patient, we also get this interesting detail: Dr. Francis Collins, director of the National Institutes of Health, says a steady trend of fiscal austerity has slowed research on important topics, including work on a vaccine for Ebola: Read more on Erick Erickson Blames Fat Lesbians For Lack Of An Ebola Vaccine…
  Jimmy Build World

Jimmy Carter Built That

This looks a lot like 'puttering'
We have some Nice Time for you, and it is Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter building more houses for more people, as they do. This Habitat for Humanity house is in Fort Worth, Texas, one of over a hundred homes in the Dallas-Fort Worth area that Habitat is building or repairing in a manic burst of barn-raising this week. Read more on Jimmy Carter Built That…
  His Transformation Into Lonesome Rhodes Is Nearly Complete

Glenn Beck Will Save World From Ebola With Song Reminding You Not To Lick Up Vomit

Who sent this? We lost your name! Let us credit/blame you!
Glenn Beck has the solution to the Ebola panic: Make fun of stupid Africans who don’t have the sense not to play around with infected bodily fluids! Which is why he made him a song about it, complete with music video: Read more on Glenn Beck Will Save World From Ebola With Song Reminding You Not To Lick Up Vomit…
  Let's All Sing The Doom Song!

Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery

Stay calm, OK?
We bet you never would have guessed that the diagnosis of one (1) human being with Ebola virus would lead to a whole bunch of daft conspiracy theories, did you? Don’t be ridonkulous, you would say to yourself. We live in a highly developed modern technological society with terrific special effects in our movies, telephones with more computing capacity than was needed to go to the moon, and medical care that is second to none, if you can afford it at least. We are so advanced that we aren’t even impressed by digital watches anymore, that is how far we have come from the primitive ape descendants we used to be. Read more on Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery…
  They Say Compassion Is A Virtue But He Don't Have The Time

‘Pro-Life’ Sociopath Todd Kincannon Has Simple Solution For Ebola: Execute All Patients

Oh! You ARE sick!
Former executive director of the South Carolina GOP, Trayvon Martin clairvoyant, ethics-free attorney, and avid penis self-photographer Todd Kincannon is proudly pro-life — with one exception, of course, in that he wishes Wendy Davis had been aborted. But he also recognizes that sometimes, in the face of a serious health crisis, you just need to man up and kill everyone who’s been infected or exposed. At Wonkette, we are sometimes given to exaggeration. But this is not an exaggeration: in a series of tweets on Saturday, Todd Kincannon, not satisfied with rightwing prescriptions like travel bans or embargoes on affected nations, literally advocated killing all Ebola patients, and napalming their villages for good measure, too. And we mean literally literally, not Joe Biden literally: Read more on ‘Pro-Life’ Sociopath Todd Kincannon Has Simple Solution For Ebola: Execute All Patients…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert So Sad Now That Fox & Friends Got The Ebola (Video)

Eyebrow of Doom!
TV Funnyman Stephen Colbert is understandably concerned about the emergence of Ebola in America, and by “concerned,” we mean thoroughly terrified that the virus has made it from “Whocaresistan” to our golden shores. Just don’t touch the fluids on the shores. “That is crap-your-pants terrifying,” Colbert explains, “in that crap-your-pants is one of the symptoms of Ebola.” And remember, you can “get Ebola just by coming in contact with an infected person’s bodily fluids, including ‘blood, sweat, feces, vomit, semen, and spit.’ So you might want to avoid the next Gathering of the Juggalos.” But Colbert refuses to let propaganda get to him! “I won’t be fooled into staying calm by the so-called ‘experts’ with their so-called ‘medical degrees’ and their so-called ‘fingers,'” he insisted. “And neither will the ‘Fox and Friends.'” Colbert then cut to a clip of Dr. Dalilah Restrepo attempting to reassure the easily-freaked-out Friends of Fox, which didn’t go quite as well as it could have: She coughed while talking to the three amigos. Read more on Stephen Colbert So Sad Now That Fox & Friends Got The Ebola (Video)…
  We Have Met The Emesis And He Is Us

Stupidest Men On The Internet Just Vomiting Ebola Errrewhere

Hey, it's not ponies...
Stupidest Man in the World Jim Hoft and Stupidest Guest-Blogger in the World Kristinn Taylor have done their part to help Americans concerned about the Texas Ebola case. They cut right through all the facts and medical information out there, and get straight to the screaming fits of panic we’ve all been longing for. On Wednesday, Hoft posted this headline, designed to clearly and calmly inform his readers of the simple facts: “BREAKING>>> Dallas Ebola Patient VOMITED WILDLY Outside Apartment On Way to Hospital.” And then, Thursday, Hoft ran a Taylor story that set some new records for sheer dishonest bullshittery: “What Quarantine?… Photos Show MEN CLEANING TX EBOLA VOMIT Without SUITS!” Read more on Stupidest Men On The Internet Just Vomiting Ebola Errrewhere…
  Ninth-Graders Break Out 'Truckload Of Bowling Balls' Jokes

Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom

You'll never get anywhere with that de-fetus attitude
Big excitement at Woodrow Wilson High School in Dallas, where a fetus was found in a women’s restroom Friday, leading to approximately five million police descending on the school, as well as an equal number of shocked reactions about the horrors of a teen mother callously abandoning her infant. Read more on Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom…