Tag Archives: daily mail

  is failure to follow the narrative a crime?

How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?

Hey, America, remember how the entire rightwing media howler monkey brigade was telling us that not only did Bowe Bergdahl desert his post, he also willingly joined the Taliban and taught them how to build bombs after he was captured? And so we never should have bothered bringing him back to U.S. America? Oh, except now that he’s back on U.S. soil, Army investigators are satisfied that he actually didn’t engage in any misconduct during the five years he was held captive. This raises the obvious question: Why is the Army conducting an investigation that doesn’t take into account the exhaustive rumormongering done by rightwing bloggers? Read more on How Is Bowe Bergdahl Failing To Be A Taliban Sympathizer Today?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  anals of journamalism

Daily Mail Accurately Reports That Barack Obama Attended Sportsball Game, Gets Everything Else Not Right

Here is some video of Barack Obama and family arriving at a sportsball game Sunday at the University of Maryland. They went to watch Michelle’s brother Craig Robinson, who coaches the Oregon State University sportsball men. Give it a listen, but turn it down before you get to about 2:13, when some really loud music comes in. What do you hear in this video? According to British tabloid the Daily Mail, this is what you heard: “Obama gets BOOED at the basketball: Crowd jeers First Family as they take courtside seats at college game.” While we like the quaint phrasing of “at the basketball,” we’re pretty sure that this video depicts a crowd that is mostly cheering, with some boos, not a crowd that is mostly booing. Then again, who are you going to believe, the headline, or your own lying ears? (or maybe the Daily Mail’s own lying URL, which more accurately reflects the AP story the piece is drawn from: “Obama-family-mixed-reception-cheers-boos-courtside-seats…”) Tell us more about what we are seeing, Daily Mail! Read more on Daily Mail Accurately Reports That Barack Obama Attended Sportsball Game, Gets Everything Else Not Right…
  nothing but flowers

Perfectly Believable Gennifer Flowers Says She And Bill Would Be Sweetly Married Today If Not For That Hellbeast Chelsea

In an exclusive interview with the Daily Mail, Gennifer Flowers reveals that Bill Clinton was the “love of her life,” that they’d be married and living it up today if not for Chelsea, and that Clinton confided to her that Hillary is definitely bisexual. And would you believe this incredible interview just happens to coincide with the launch of Flowers’ new job as a sex columnist? Talk about lucky timing! Read more on Perfectly Believable Gennifer Flowers Says She And Bill Would Be Sweetly Married Today If Not For That Hellbeast Chelsea…
  deep thoughts

Glenn Beck Wants His Tax Dollar Back Because Terrorism

Glenn Beck — the man who is too crazy even for Fox News, and also can spell real good — is determined to get to the bottom of how the Boston marathon bombing is somehow Obama’s fault because that’s how much he loves America. In April, he explained how the Saudi guy did it, and even when the FBI was all, “Nah, dude, actually he didn’t,” Beck explained how yes he did and IMPEACH OBAMA! And then he said he was going to release the incriminating evidence that proved the Saudi guy did it, and we have all been on the edge of our seat waiting for that, and lo! It turns out the “incriminating evidence” was the dumb Daily Mail thing we explainered at you yesterday. Here is it: According to a highly placed source who spoke to MailOnline, the Saudis sent a written warning about Tsarnaev to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security in 2012. That was long before pressure-cooker blasts killed three and injured hundreds. Oh, but wait, what’s the part right after that part? But the Middle Eastern nation’s embassy in Washington denied that account on Wednesday. It issued a statement which read: ‘The Saudi government had no prior information about the Boston bombers. Therefore, it is not true that any information, written or otherwise, was passed to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) or any other US agency in this regard,’ an embassy statement statement claimed. ‘The Saudi government also does not have any record of any application by Tamerlan Tsarnaev for any visa to Saudi Arabia.’ So, in other words, the Saudis warned the U.S. government — which proves Glenn Beck’s theory that Obama is personally covering up something about BENGHAZI!!!! BOSTON!!!!! — except for how they did not warn the U.S. government, so never mind. Except who cares about that never mind part? Certainly not Glenn Beck: Read more on Glenn Beck Wants His Tax Dollar Back Because Terrorism…
  keep calm and make shit up

Wonkette’s New Best Friend Daily Mail Tempts Us With Scintillating Saudi Secrets About The Boston Bomber

We do not usually read things from the UK because we are Mericans, but lately we have enjoyed the prose stylings of the Daily Mail. They’ve given us articles about how nonsense Boston bomber rumors are not true, but it would be interesting and HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS if they were, hmmmmmm? Britain’s own New York Post also turned us on to the straight-up genius of human rights warrior and Limey nutsack Peter Lloyd, who let his army of monkeys type for millions of words to spit out something about how his gym is misandyrizing menz everywhere. Today they have a Drudge-siren bit of completely made up tommyrot balderdash about Saudi terror Boston bombers something something: Read more on Wonkette’s New Best Friend Daily Mail Tempts Us With Scintillating Saudi Secrets About The Boston Bomber…
  dick moves

Human Rights Hero Sues Sexist Gym Because Of Ladies-Only Yoga Classes

In yet another example of How Men Are Oppressed In These Difficult Times, Limey nutsack Peter Lloyd wrote a thing in the Daily Mail recently explaining that he is suing his gym because they have a certain number of hours for women only. It’s a shocking infringement of his Right To See Ladies In Spandex, because the women-only hours total a whopping 442 hours a year! This is actual Jim Crow oppression, Lloyd argues: It is “eerily reminiscent of when African Americans were separated from their caucasian peers in 1940s America.” Yes! A few women-only swimming classes per week is exactly like Bull Connor turning fire hoses on children in Birmingham, because both involve water! Also, we must note that “Birmingham” is also the name of a city in England, and England is sometimes caricatured as “John Bull” — there’s just no end of eerie parallels! Read more on Human Rights Hero Sues Sexist Gym Because Of Ladies-Only Yoga Classes…
  all the pulitzers

Daily Mail Totally Jelly Of New York Post’s Boston Bombing Coverage

Oh Daily Mail, you guys are so awesome at journalism. (All y’all will want to read all the way to the end, to mark the exact moment when the Daily Mail received all the Pulitzers, even retroactively.) Zubeidat and her husband Anzor Tsarnaev have claimed that their oldest son received a call from the FBI accusing him of the attack, to which he responded: ‘That’s your problem.’ Tamerlan Tsarnaeva, who was killed following a shoot out with the police on April 19, called his mother two or three days after the marathon bombings to tell her about the call from the FBI, his father said. The claims, reported by Channel 4 News, reveal how Tsarnaeva, 26, believed that the FBI was watching him. His mother previously said he had been followed by the FBI for five years. Channel 4 News suggested that, while it was unlikely the FBI had called the suspect to accuse him of the heinous crime, it was perhaps his way of preparing his parents for the news of his involvement. While it seems unlikely, if the claim is true, it raises questions over how the FBI handled the case. Oh, did you get that? Let us type it again. Read more on Daily Mail Totally Jelly Of New York Post’s Boston Bombing Coverage…
  we heard she has an interracial child too!

Film Sent To Over A Million Voters Explores Pressing Policy Question Of Whether Obama’s Mom Was A Slut

Good news everyone! The Right has come to its senses and realized the most pressing question about Obama is not “where is the birth certificate?” (DUH) it’s actually “was Obama’s father the left wing poet and activist Frank Marshall Davis?” and! “did Davis take nudie pics of Obama’s mom that later appeared in Bizarre Life Magazine?” Read more on Film Sent To Over A Million Voters Explores Pressing Policy Question Of Whether Obama’s Mom Was A Slut…
  just like 'the lion king'

Report: Clumsy Aliens Left Brain Surgery Scars On Obama’s Skull

One of the greatest questions plaguing birthers about the president’s birth certificate has been, of course, “What did the aliens have to do with it?” But they may have finally uncovered it: The aliens did brain surgery on Obama and filled his head with a device that can only respond to a teleprompter, as that is the most reasonable explanation for some photo of Barry with George Lopez they found. Did the aliens steal the birth certificate? Was there a box on Hawaiian birth certificates back then labelled “aliens did brain surgery on this black baby,” and was it checked on Obama’s? We don’t know. “The question is: When will the media start inquiring into what that huge scar on his head is all about?” asks something called “EscapeTyranny.com.” The answer is right now, and the newspaper is the Daily Mail. Read more on Report: Clumsy Aliens Left Brain Surgery Scars On Obama’s Skull…
  boob job

REVEALED: Homophobic Hag Who Attacked Gauguin’s Topless Ladies

The lunatic who attacked the Paul Gauguin masterpiece “Two Tahitian Women” screamed about her hatred of lesbians as she impotently pounded on the clear plastic cover protecting the post-impressionist portrait of a pair of topless Maori gals. The suspect, 53-year-old Susan Burns, screamed “This is very homosexual!” as she attacked the painting on exhibit at Washington’s National Gallery of Art. And then she claimed she has a radio in her head and works for the CIA. Read more on REVEALED: Homophobic Hag Who Attacked Gauguin’s Topless Ladies…
  no wonder chris matthews like him

Will Obama’s Hair Please Just Go Gray So the Media Can Shut Up About It?

For years now, the media has waited with bated breath for Barack Obama’s hair to turn totally gray. The stresses of the job are supposed to do this to a president, we’ve been told. But why is it taking so long? The media is always right about such important matters. The only answer: conspiracy. The Daily Mail has decided Obama is now dyeing his hair “jet-black” to cover up all the “grey,” because it noticed Obama looked different in a photo taken in bright sunlight than a more recent photo taken inside in a dark room. Dyeing is cheating, Obama! Sure, that prayer hog Gabrielle Giffords has taken all of God’s miracles for herself, but you should have to live with being gray. Read more on Will Obama’s Hair Please Just Go Gray So the Media Can Shut Up About It?…