Tag Archives: daily briefing

  it's morning in america

Drunken Muslim-Hating Wingnut Creep-Child Stabs Cabbie

Wingnut anti-Muslim hysteria finally turned violent in New York this week, when a psychopathic rat-eyed 21-year-old blob obsessed with American soldiers and burning with insane hatred for American Muslims repeatedly stabbed a Manhattan taxi driver in the throat with one of those stupid “Leatherman” pocket knives. “I saw so much anger on his face, so much hate,” 43-year-old cabbie Ahmed Sharif said. “I begged him, ‘Please don’t kill me.’ I was thinking about my four kids.” Read more on Drunken Muslim-Hating Wingnut Creep-Child Stabs Cabbie… Read more on Drunken Muslim-Hating Wingnut Creep-Child Stabs Cabbie…
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Sad, Jobless America Getting Angrier/Dumber About Islam Thing Somewhere

Did you spend the weekend trying to sell off the rest of your meager possessions and avoiding news about the 20 million flood victims in Pakistan? Then you may be one of the 309 million Americans who aren’t dedicated enough to keeping America’s Deadly Muslims from building a “Muslim World” resort on the ashes of America’s 9/11. Several hundred real Americans took open-top tour buses to New York City for the first time over the weekend and were delighted to find something racist/idiotic to do once released near the Sacred Ground (Wall Street) of Lower Manhattan. Read more on Sad, Jobless America Getting Angrier/Dumber About Islam Thing Somewhere… Read more on Sad, Jobless America Getting Angrier/Dumber About Islam Thing Somewhere…
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Despite Nation’s Sadness, Voters Approve of Democrats 33% To GOP’s 24%

With no clear narrative from Tuesday’s primary elections, today the political media will churn the numbers of this new Wall Street Journal/NBC poll in hopes of figuring out something about Americans beyond “hoo boy they are so poor and sad.” Obama is somehow not overwhelmingly popular, but he’s still got a 47% approval rating and 46% feeling “positive” about him, as a dude — and his polices are actually more popular than he is. Democrats and Congress are “in trouble,” yet voters prefer Democrats by a double-digit margin over Republicans: 33% to 24%. Now that the BP oil disaster is “better,” Obama’s got a 50% approval rating for his handling of the spill, up from 42% when it’s all we heard about two months ago. Read more on Despite Nation’s Sadness, Voters Approve of Democrats 33% To GOP’s 24%… Read more on Despite Nation’s Sadness, Voters Approve of Democrats 33% To GOP’s 24%…
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Has Robert Gibbs Been High On Liberals’ Marijuana?

Obama’s talky person Robert Gibbs is in big trouble with the dudes who used to sell him dope: the Professional Left. Now that he’s safely in the White House and no longer subject to the daily drug tests America’s few working people are forced to endure thrice daily, Gibbs can point and laugh at the libtards for liking communists and Canada so much that they’ll even pay attention to Dennis Kucinich. Uh, but didn’t Kucinich sort of choose to help Obama win the nomination, in 2008? It’s hard to remember through the Fog of War & Fog of Bongs, but Kucinich did indeed tell his supporters to back Obama in the crucial Iowa primary. That sort of “changed” things, didn’t it? Read more on Has Robert Gibbs Been High On Liberals’ Marijuana?… Read more on Has Robert Gibbs Been High On Liberals’ Marijuana?…
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Russia Burns, Asia Floods, Obama Plays Hoops

More than 700 people per day are dropping dead in Moscow thanks to the poison smoke from the worst fires since Napoleon tried to burn down Russia two centuries ago. But because Putin’s Russia doesn’t want people thinking the fires are really the problem, doctors have been threatened with dismissal if they diagnose the smoke inhalation victims with smoke inhalation. Read more on Russia Burns, Asia Floods, Obama Plays Hoops… Read more on Russia Burns, Asia Floods, Obama Plays Hoops…
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Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding

Remember Chelsea Clinton, the poor little rich girl who lived in the White House during our last era of Peace & Prosperity, when people had no problems beyond grunge, Windows 95, Oval Office blowjobs and the rapidly growing chasm between the wealthy and the poor? Well, Chelsea has not been in the news very much, ever, other than that time a couple of years ago when her mom was accused of “whoring” the adult child, during a primary campaign. It’s no wonder the entire Democratic fundraising community of moneybags is so upset about not getting invited to Chelsea’s “small wedding,” because what are we now, chopped liver? Is the wedding “small” like the checks we wrote to Bill and Hills and now we’re not invited to be Chelsea’s “best man” or at least perform the ceremony like cool friends always do these days? Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding… Read more on Chelsea Clinton Gets Married Tomorrow, In World’s Most Important Wedding…
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It’s a Wonderful Day To Be an Illegal Mexican In Arizona!

Good morning, fellow illegal immigrants! It was 234 years ago today when a brave group of brewer-patriots from Mexico formally broke away from White America (England) and declared our Los Estados Unidos de América. But this summer, the loyalist colony of Arizona demanded that its constables harass the Native American-Spaniard mestizos out of the desert province — until a judge pure of heart struck down most of the anti-Mexican provisions of this law. And today, as the punishing sun rises over Arizona’s endless vistas of foreclosed stucco boxes and boiling asphalt highways, the illegal Mexicans will probably be harassed in all kinds of illegal ways, by the white devils. Read more on It’s a Wonderful Day To Be an Illegal Mexican In Arizona!… Read more on It’s a Wonderful Day To Be an Illegal Mexican In Arizona!…
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Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women

The year of endless primaries also became the Year of the Woman again last night, in Oklahoma, where Republican Congresswoman Mary Fallin and Democratic Lieutenant Governor Jari Askins won their respective races and will face each other in the gubernatorial general. Askins just barely beat state Attorney General Drew Edmondson — by less than 1% of the vote — because this was not the Year of the Man. This means Oklahoma will have its very first lady governor, assuming Fallin and Askins make it to the general election. (You know how women are always quitting things! Ha ha just kidding we are not misogynists, we were just thinking of America’s Only Real Woman, 46-year-old idiot grandma Sarah Palin.) Read more on Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women… Read more on Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women…
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Tea Party Celebrates ‘Coloreds’ By Evicting This One Guy

America’s brand new political party of people who are actually just wigged-out old white Republicans, the Tea Party, has thrown out one of the greatest Tea Party leaders since whenever this nonsense was made up the day a person of dubious race (Hawaiian) somehow won the presidential election 21 months ago. WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK, ETC. But as of today, Old White Republican America will have to win this important revolutionary war without Tea Party Express superstar Mark Williams, who is apparently a “California radio host” beloved for calling a New York City politician the “Jewish Uncle Tom” and Barack Obama an “Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug” and then posted a hilarious comedy routine on America’s Internet about the happily enslaved “colored people” and the racist Abraham Lincoln. Read more on Tea Party Celebrates ‘Coloreds’ By Evicting This One Guy… Read more on Tea Party Celebrates ‘Coloreds’ By Evicting This One Guy…
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Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death

Iraq/Katrina/Florida Recount hero Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. The beloved 69-year-old former vice president now has a “ventricular assist device” — or a dual-battery heart pump — implanted in his abdomen with motors churning the blood through his otherwise dead heart. The pumps “were once used only to keep patients alive until they could obtain a transplant,” but they’re beginning to be installed to simply drag out the congestive heart failure for up to two years. Oh and don’t cry because Cheney will still be able to play golf, with this robot ooze pump jammed into his chest and batteries dangling under his armpits. Read more on Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death… Read more on Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death…
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Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama

Are you closely following “election news” even though the midterm elections are four months away, and also it is the middle of summer? Then you’re probably a) Newt Gingrich or b) a liberal who follows the politics Too Much. And you do not love Barack Obama. A new study proves that 36% of people who took a poll last week “say they have no confidence or only some confidence in the president, congressional Democrats and congressional Republicans.” Only 50% of those polled now say they support President Obama, which is less than half of the 22% who approved of George W. Bush in 2008. Read more on Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama… Read more on Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama…
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Michele Bachmann Has So Much Campaign Money, It’s Crazy

Dingbat demagogue talk-radio sideshow freak Michele Bachmann is America’s funniest congresslady, but some people in her suburban Minnesota district don’t love her enough. That’s why the Republican party and its Alaskan anger muppet Sarah Palin have helped Bachmann raise more than $4 million for her re-election campaign and $1.7 million just in the second quarter of this year. That’s patriotism. What is not patriotism is Bachmann’s challenger, state senator Tarryl Clark, getting help from a “progressive women’s group” that always leaves comments with the caps lock on called EMILY’s list. Do these so-called “women” understand that being a woman means having/fostering up to 60 babies annually while screeching constantly about the president being a Muslim communist who shredded her Constitution with his scissorhands? Read more on Michele Bachmann Has So Much Campaign Money, It’s Crazy… Read more on Michele Bachmann Has So Much Campaign Money, It’s Crazy…
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Mean Obama Accuses Republicans of Doing What They Do

To prove he “cares” about America and has emotions just like other childish, petulant politicians, Barack Obama went to a state somewhere (Wisconsin, this time) to have a “town hall meeting” and complain about John A. Boehner for describing financial regulation as “killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.” An ant, said Obama. AN ANT? It is more like a giant moon-sized spider that kills everyone on Earth! Boehner, an actual orange spider from Cigarette Land, preemptively yelled back at Obama because come on, ants are also capable of maybe a small, briefly annoying ant bite. This is what these people do with their time. Read more on Mean Obama Accuses Republicans of Doing What They Do… Read more on Mean Obama Accuses Republicans of Doing What They Do…
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Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform

After 51 years in the Senate, Robert Byrd of West Virginia died this morning at the age of 92. Byrd was literally wheeled out to vote on Obama’s health-care reform bill and has been “in failing health” for about as long as anyone can remember. The Democrat is best known for being a Ku Klux Klansman, shoveling vast amounts of government money to impoverished West Virginia, and leaving behind a rich YouTube library of weird comments delivered in a folksy, impenetrable Appalachian drawl. Also, his Senate colleague Tom Coburn prayed for Byrd’s death, to prevent health care from passing. But God loves health care and hates Tom Coburn. Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform… Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform…
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Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane

The robot knocked off the containment cap from the mile-deep underwater oil gusher, but now the cap is back in place after many grim hours when the well was spewing out 104,000 gallons per hour. And what’s there over there, east of Cuba? Just an ominous “tropical wave” that could become the season’s first Tropical Storm (or Category 5 hurricane). And this is your BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill update for the day: inept robots, cruel nature and environmental disaster. How bad is this for Barack Obama the Afghan War Chieftain? Read more on Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane… Read more on Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane…
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BP’s Secret Nightmare Revealed: 100,000 Barrels Leaking Every Day

Happy Summer Solstice, Earthlings! Your Earth is bleeding maybe 100,000 barrels of crude oil per day through its Gulf Hole, according to secret BP documents that are no longer secret, thanks to Rep. Ed Markey releasing these no-longer-secret documents. 100,000! That’s a little more than 60,000 barrels — if by “little” you mean, “NO NOOOO JESUS C’MON!” Read more on BP’s Secret Nightmare Revealed: 100,000 Barrels Leaking Every Day… Read more on BP’s Secret Nightmare Revealed: 100,000 Barrels Leaking Every Day…