Tag Archives: daily briefing

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It’s a Wonderful Day To Be an Illegal Mexican In Arizona!

Good morning, fellow illegal immigrants! It was 234 years ago today when a brave group of brewer-patriots from Mexico formally broke away from White America (England) and declared our Los Estados Unidos de América. But this summer, the loyalist colony of Arizona demanded that its constables harass the Native American-Spaniard mestizos out of the desert province — until a judge pure of heart struck down most of the anti-Mexican provisions of this law. And today, as the punishing sun rises over Arizona’s endless vistas of foreclosed stucco boxes and boiling asphalt highways, the illegal Mexicans will probably be harassed in all kinds of illegal ways, by the white devils. Read more on It’s a Wonderful Day To Be an Illegal Mexican In Arizona!… Read more on It’s a Wonderful Day To Be an Illegal Mexican In Arizona!…
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Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women

The year of endless primaries also became the Year of the Woman again last night, in Oklahoma, where Republican Congresswoman Mary Fallin and Democratic Lieutenant Governor Jari Askins won their respective races and will face each other in the gubernatorial general. Askins just barely beat state Attorney General Drew Edmondson — by less than 1% of the vote — because this was not the Year of the Man. This means Oklahoma will have its very first lady governor, assuming Fallin and Askins make it to the general election. (You know how women are always quitting things! Ha ha just kidding we are not misogynists, we were just thinking of America’s Only Real Woman, 46-year-old idiot grandma Sarah Palin.) Read more on Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women… Read more on Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women…
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Tea Party Celebrates ‘Coloreds’ By Evicting This One Guy

America’s brand new political party of people who are actually just wigged-out old white Republicans, the Tea Party, has thrown out one of the greatest Tea Party leaders since whenever this nonsense was made up the day a person of dubious race (Hawaiian) somehow won the presidential election 21 months ago. WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK, ETC. But as of today, Old White Republican America will have to win this important revolutionary war without Tea Party Express superstar Mark Williams, who is apparently a “California radio host” beloved for calling a New York City politician the “Jewish Uncle Tom” and Barack Obama an “Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug” and then posted a hilarious comedy routine on America’s Internet about the happily enslaved “colored people” and the racist Abraham Lincoln. Read more on Tea Party Celebrates ‘Coloreds’ By Evicting This One Guy… Read more on Tea Party Celebrates ‘Coloreds’ By Evicting This One Guy…
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Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death

Iraq/Katrina/Florida Recount hero Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. The beloved 69-year-old former vice president now has a “ventricular assist device” — or a dual-battery heart pump — implanted in his abdomen with motors churning the blood through his otherwise dead heart. The pumps “were once used only to keep patients alive until they could obtain a transplant,” but they’re beginning to be installed to simply drag out the congestive heart failure for up to two years. Oh and don’t cry because Cheney will still be able to play golf, with this robot ooze pump jammed into his chest and batteries dangling under his armpits. Read more on Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death… Read more on Dick Cheney, America’s Only Hero, Much Closer To Heroic Death…
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Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama

Are you closely following “election news” even though the midterm elections are four months away, and also it is the middle of summer? Then you’re probably a) Newt Gingrich or b) a liberal who follows the politics Too Much. And you do not love Barack Obama. A new study proves that 36% of people who took a poll last week “say they have no confidence or only some confidence in the president, congressional Democrats and congressional Republicans.” Only 50% of those polled now say they support President Obama, which is less than half of the 22% who approved of George W. Bush in 2008. Read more on Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama… Read more on Everybody Following Politics In Mid-July Hates Nobama…
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Michele Bachmann Has So Much Campaign Money, It’s Crazy

Dingbat demagogue talk-radio sideshow freak Michele Bachmann is America’s funniest congresslady, but some people in her suburban Minnesota district don’t love her enough. That’s why the Republican party and its Alaskan anger muppet Sarah Palin have helped Bachmann raise more than $4 million for her re-election campaign and $1.7 million just in the second quarter of this year. That’s patriotism. What is not patriotism is Bachmann’s challenger, state senator Tarryl Clark, getting help from a “progressive women’s group” that always leaves comments with the caps lock on called EMILY’s list. Do these so-called “women” understand that being a woman means having/fostering up to 60 babies annually while screeching constantly about the president being a Muslim communist who shredded her Constitution with his scissorhands? Read more on Michele Bachmann Has So Much Campaign Money, It’s Crazy… Read more on Michele Bachmann Has So Much Campaign Money, It’s Crazy…
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Mean Obama Accuses Republicans of Doing What They Do

To prove he “cares” about America and has emotions just like other childish, petulant politicians, Barack Obama went to a state somewhere (Wisconsin, this time) to have a “town hall meeting” and complain about John A. Boehner for describing financial regulation as “killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.” An ant, said Obama. AN ANT? It is more like a giant moon-sized spider that kills everyone on Earth! Boehner, an actual orange spider from Cigarette Land, preemptively yelled back at Obama because come on, ants are also capable of maybe a small, briefly annoying ant bite. This is what these people do with their time. Read more on Mean Obama Accuses Republicans of Doing What They Do… Read more on Mean Obama Accuses Republicans of Doing What They Do…
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Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform

After 51 years in the Senate, Robert Byrd of West Virginia died this morning at the age of 92. Byrd was literally wheeled out to vote on Obama’s health-care reform bill and has been “in failing health” for about as long as anyone can remember. The Democrat is best known for being a Ku Klux Klansman, shoveling vast amounts of government money to impoverished West Virginia, and leaving behind a rich YouTube library of weird comments delivered in a folksy, impenetrable Appalachian drawl. Also, his Senate colleague Tom Coburn prayed for Byrd’s death, to prevent health care from passing. But God loves health care and hates Tom Coburn. Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform… Read more on Robert Byrd Flies Away To Heaven Along With Financial Reform…
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Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane

The robot knocked off the containment cap from the mile-deep underwater oil gusher, but now the cap is back in place after many grim hours when the well was spewing out 104,000 gallons per hour. And what’s there over there, east of Cuba? Just an ominous “tropical wave” that could become the season’s first Tropical Storm (or Category 5 hurricane). And this is your BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill update for the day: inept robots, cruel nature and environmental disaster. How bad is this for Barack Obama the Afghan War Chieftain? Read more on Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane… Read more on Obama’s Robot Gets Well Cap Back On Just In Time For Hurricane…
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BP’s Secret Nightmare Revealed: 100,000 Barrels Leaking Every Day

Happy Summer Solstice, Earthlings! Your Earth is bleeding maybe 100,000 barrels of crude oil per day through its Gulf Hole, according to secret BP documents that are no longer secret, thanks to Rep. Ed Markey releasing these no-longer-secret documents. 100,000! That’s a little more than 60,000 barrels — if by “little” you mean, “NO NOOOO JESUS C’MON!” Read more on BP’s Secret Nightmare Revealed: 100,000 Barrels Leaking Every Day… Read more on BP’s Secret Nightmare Revealed: 100,000 Barrels Leaking Every Day…
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BP ‘Ninja Turtle,’ Tony Hayward, Gets Yelled At By Congress Today!

The public shaming of BP chief executive Tony Hayward continues this morning, with Congress finally getting its chance to yell at the wealthy CEO of the company responsible for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, which is now two months old and officially way the hell bigger than anybody would announce in public until yesterday. But did you know Hayward has long been known as the “ninja turtle” of, we guess, the oil industry? What are these people, five years old? Read more on BP ‘Ninja Turtle,’ Tony Hayward, Gets Yelled At By Congress Today!… Read more on BP ‘Ninja Turtle,’ Tony Hayward, Gets Yelled At By Congress Today!…
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Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?

Legendary White House Crone Helen Thomas got herself pushed into retirement finally, at age 89, over a bizarre outburst into a rabbi’s video camera about how the Israeli Jews need to go “back [to] Poland, Germany,” etc. Was it the White House press corps’ fault for letting the increasingly shrill lady keep yelling her Democratic Underground sermons at whatever WH spokesperson? Maybe! Read more on Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?… Read more on Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?…
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Carly & Meg, In Every Important Way, Are Dianne & Barbara

Meg Whitman, who hit “buy it now” on the most expensive GOP primary campaign for the unwanted job of Governor of California, is much like Carly Fiorina, who cut the market value of Hewlett Packard by a remarkable 60% during her dismal reign as CEO of that company before spending millions of her own fortune to win the GOP primary for a California Senate seat. But both Republicans are, in the most important ways, exactly the same as Democratic Senators Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein, who both won their historic races in 1992, and are liberal Democrats instead of flimsy Republicans momentarily disguised as hard-right anti-Mexican dingbats. Read more on Carly & Meg, In Every Important Way, Are Dianne & Barbara… Read more on Carly & Meg, In Every Important Way, Are Dianne & Barbara…
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World’s Sexiest Men Gather For Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding

Beloved American comedian Rush Limbaugh met a lady while he was divorcing his third wife a few years back, and now that new lady is Limbaugh’s fourth wife. Exciting! But how do you make such a special once-every-couple-of-years event even more exciting? If you’re Rush Limbaugh, you pay One Million Dollars to a very famous singer and piano player who is also very famously homosexual and British and a gay-marriage supporter and AIDS activist — and that’s how, we guess, Sir Elton John wound up performing at Limbaugh’s latest wedding. But the sexiest men at the Miami occasion were the guests. Read more on World’s Sexiest Men Gather For Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding… Read more on World’s Sexiest Men Gather For Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding…
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White House Offered Job To Another Democrat, Which Is Legally Murder

Colorado Democrat Andrew Romanoff released a shocking, violent email from White House deputy chief of staff Jim Messina that nakedly, brutally mentioned three jobs potentially available if Romanoff didn’t run in the primary against current Democratic Senator Michael Bennet. Why did this gangster White House Chicago thugs think it was “good” for the existing Democrat senator to avoid a primary that would make it harder to keep the seat in November? Read more on White House Offered Job To Another Democrat, Which Is Legally Murder… Read more on White House Offered Job To Another Democrat, Which Is Legally Murder…
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Silly Teabaggers Thought They Could Mess With Superhero Harry Reid

America’s first black Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, was written off for dead by the so-called experts because of the mighty, mighty Republican/Teabagger opponents running against him in Nevada. Gosh, the Tea Party even drove many of their sedans and creaking RVs to Reid’s tiny mining-post hometown of Searchlight, where Alaskan anger bear Sarah Palin briefly stepped out of her golden chariot (that belonged to somebody else) to bless whatever local nutter was running for Reid’s seat. And now? Chicken-bartering wingnut Sue Lowden had been the favorite to defeat Reid, but new polls show her support down to a within-the-margin-of-error 3-point lead over Sour Harry, with 10% undecided and 6% saying “none of ‘em” and 3% saying “other teabaggers.” Read more on Silly Teabaggers Thought They Could Mess With Superhero Harry Reid… Read more on Silly Teabaggers Thought They Could Mess With Superhero Harry Reid…
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Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico

Joining this Spring’s Mexican Border Hysteria on the Eve of Summer, Barack Obama ordered 1,200 soldiers of his elite palace legion dispatched to the frontier of Barbarian Land, in hopes of silencing the Senate and the restless southwestern provinces. Read more on Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico… Read more on Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico…
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Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show

Republican nobody “Honolulu City Councilman Charles Djou” won a special election in Honolulu on Saturday, taking 39% of the vote in a three-way contest against two Democrats. A major win for the GOP and the final proof that Barack Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii? Maybe! Also, there’s absolutely no way in Hell/Hawaii that this “Charles Djou” character will win the real election in November, because this district is Honolulu which is one of the original Democrat strongholds as written in the Constitution. Also, this is exactly the plot of last night’s blockbuster whodunnit, “I’m Lost, Get Me Out of Here!” Read more on Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show… Read more on Republican Wins Special Congressional Election in Hawaii, Exactly Like That ‘Lost’ TeeVee Show…
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Meg ‘eBay’ Whitman Loses 50-Point Lead, Would Not Do Business With Again

For unknown reasons, former tech executive Meg Whitman decided she wanted to be the Republican candidate for governor, in California. Whitman has already spent $68 million of her fortune on this campaign, and now her 50-point lead in the polls is down to 9 percent. That is a pretty terrible return on her investment! Read more on Meg ‘eBay’ Whitman Loses 50-Point Lead, Would Not Do Business With Again… Read more on Meg ‘eBay’ Whitman Loses 50-Point Lead, Would Not Do Business With Again…
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Go Rand Paul! It’s Primary Day In Kentucky, Arkansas, Pennsylvania & Oregon

How excited are you for today’s four-state super-sexy primary election? WELL THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, TRY AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH MORE EXCITEMENT. Doctor Rand Paul (son of Saint Paul, from the Bible) will likely/maybe beat the hell out of Mitch McConnell and Jim Bunning’s unwanted love-child, Trey Grayson, while old Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter looks pretty likely to lose his seat to what’s his name, the Sleestak. Read more on Go Rand Paul! It’s Primary Day In Kentucky, Arkansas, Pennsylvania & Oregon… Read more on Go Rand Paul! It’s Primary Day In Kentucky, Arkansas, Pennsylvania & Oregon…
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This Is Not a Repeat of Last Week (and the Week Before Last, Etc.)

The global economy appears to be in freefall, with Asian markets dropping more than 2% and the Euro dropping to four-year lows against everything. Meanwhile, the U.S. economy seems to be on the mend, finally, but also nobody really believes this, in their hearts, and unemployment is still officially at 9.9% — the real rate is more than 17% –and one-in-five American men are jobless today and will never again have full-time work in America. And California will be the “Next Greece.” Also don’t sell your wife’s diamond ring on Craigslist because crazy/desperate people will come to your house and murder you. U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says it’s all going to be fine, Europe will fix its own problems, you can totally trust him on this, etc. [Marketwatch/Bloomberg/NYT] Read more on This Is Not a Repeat of Last Week (and the Week Before Last, Etc.)… Read more on This Is Not a Repeat of Last Week (and the Week Before Last, Etc.)…
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Kerry-Lieberman Fever Can’t Help Global Warming Bill

America’s legendary “dream team” of John Kerry and Joe Lieberman reunited to unveil their exciting new Senate bill that’s unlikely to change carbon emissions in America — especially because it’s unlikely to pass the Senate. Why? Because Lindsey Graham was only going to show the special bill to his Republican boyfriends because of all the “Drill Baby Drill” stuff he put in there for the Oil Industry, but then the Oil Industry is currently having a Gulf Spill Disaster so everybody hates offshore oil drilling again. So when will the USA finally cut its greenhouse-gas output? When the Chinese buy America from the bankruptcy court and *make* us do it, that’s when. [NYT/Seattle Times] Read more on Kerry-Lieberman Fever Can’t Help Global Warming Bill… Read more on Kerry-Lieberman Fever Can’t Help Global Warming Bill…