• White House lawyers ask the CIA if there’s any way they can covertly kill the people who have found out about the tapes. The CIA tells them, “no.” [NY Times]

• Oh, and hey New York Times, could you like, report things in a less damaging way? We’re dying over here. [The Hill]
• Apparently it’s important that Iowans go out to vote. [Washington Post]
• Huckabee now has something to lose: you know, this whole election thing. [NY Times]
• Bush orders cuts in nuclear weapons, but we’re not sure if they count as cuts if get rid of them by dropping them on people. [Washington Post]
• John McCain has money and stuff again, demonstrating that he will never ever ever go away. [Politico]
• Jealous much? [Poltico]
  

* That little bone Democrats were going to toss the troops didn’t really pan out. [NYT]
* $6 billion in Iraq contracts, which is probably like three of them, are being reviewed by criminal investigators, mostly because those investigators hate the troops. [NYT]
* Even though the new AG nominee is conservative, everybody’s cool with him because he might not be a retard. [WP]
* The only reason Ted Stevens hand is so deep in the cookie jar is because there’s no one else in Alaska to share the cookies with. [Politico]
* Another one bites the dust. [Roll Call]
* In addition to being a criminal, Norman Hsu is also a ridiculous looking cartoon character. [LAT]
* A congressman has a temper problem. [The Hill]

* The reason why Hillary’s health care plan sucks so bad is because her last one was so awesome. [NYT, LAT]
* Hey, is there, like, some other army we can push this load onto? [NYT]
* OMG, Giuliani and the new AG guy are like totally BFF! [WP]
* Democrats are going to give him a real hard time anyway. It’s a shame they didn’t approach confirmations this way back when it still mattered. [Roll Call]
* Hey, so now we have ethics rules that no one can understand. [Politico]
* At least now everyone’s pandering about healthcare. [USAT]

* No one knows what’s going on in Iraq, and that’s sort of the official policy. [NYT]
* We’ve made lots of progress, the only thing is it’s all made up. [WP]
* The Air Force isn’t going to be in charge of drones; it’s going to be up to cable news to do that. [The Hill]
* Rudy wants everyone to know just how much he hates the New York Times. [Politico]
* The same people are always running for the same things all the time, and that probably means something is seriously wrong. [Politico]
* Americans are satisfied with what they hate, sort of across the board. [WT]
* It’s possible there’s a problem with the way politicians raise money. [LAT]

* Joe Lieberman is secretly Supreme Commander of the Grand Army of the United States. [JPost]
* Barry Hussein offers up a detailed plan for surrender! Hey Barry, why not give the terrorists a New York subway map and a Metrocard while you’re at it? [NYT]
* John McCain’s new “no surrender,” message has less to do with Iraq and more to do with John McCain than one might think. [NYT]
* One of Virginia’s Senate seats always has to be occupied by a guy named Warner. It’s in the Constitution. [WP]
* Harry Reid is really onto something with this whole AG fight. [The Hill]
* Finally, we can all agree that MoveOn is retarded. [Politico]
* Petraeus gets the GOP fully behind the position the rest of us were at like in November. Fewer people were dead then, though we know these guys aren’t so great with numbers. [WT]

* The Decider is like, really really close to choosing a new top Criminal for the Justice Dept. [NYT]
* David Vitter visited his favorite prostitute two to three times a week! But just remember this was a female prostitute, which is the way God intended it. [AP]
* They’re still on this thing about how Saddam did 911 and people still believe it. But these are the same people who believe God is a super-hero and that Christian rock is real music. [WP]
* That Zbigniew Brzezinski wrote a book about Israel proves that Obama hates the Jews. [Politico]
* John Boehner makes visit to Iraq is as surprised to discover no one over there gives a shit about him either. [The Hill]
* Republicans may have to come up with real economic policy nobody wants to hear them babble on about tax cuts anymore. [Roll Call]

* Happy 9/11 day, everybody. And because we’re looking at some possible changes to longstanding policy, this year’s 9/11 is a way bigger deal than last year’s! [NYT]
* Someone over at the New York Times just loooves a man in uniform. [NYT]
* Iraqis were genuinely moved by the sincerity and accuracy of the Petraeus report. Ha ha no, just kidding. That would be crazy. [WT]
* Justice Dept. officials are trying to prove they are above political influence by refusing to turn over documents related to the prosecution and conviction of a Democratic former governor of Alabama by refusing to turn over any documents related to the case. They sound perfectly innocent to us! [NYT]
* Hillary is giving back $850,000 given to her by that asian fugitive criminal guy, which should halt criticism of her til she’s president and can give him the pardon he surely deserves. [WP]
* It’s hard to be against the war without saying bad things about the people in charge. [Politico]
* Democrats throw some cash at the country’s bridges, which, since they’re all falling down and shit, seems like a pretty good idea. [The Hill]
* Folks on the Hill would be pretty screwed in the event of 9/11-type situation, which means natural selection might just be allowed to run its course among a group of people who someone how manage to resist the strongest force in nature. [Roll Call]

* Petraeus reported to the president that Democracy has really caught on in Iraq, it’s safe as can be and troops can start coming home immediately. Ha ha ha psych! [NYT, WP]
* If you’re into the war, you must be having a blast! [Politico]
* With 10,000 more debates before the primaries, we’re starting to get concerned they’re going to run out of gimmicks. [WP, The Hill]
* Democrats think Bush shouldn’t get a new attorney general until he starts talking about all the crazy shit the last one did. [Roll Call]
* Campaigning in New Hampshire is for the kind of suckers not featured on a syndicated television program. [WP]
* The Republicans look for some good, old fashioned probing. [The Hill]
* A new poll shows that voters are slow to back Mormon candidates for fear these candidates are totally fucking crazy. [BG]

* Patraeus wishes that he had like a million Robocops to put into Baghdad cause then that place would straighten up real fast. [NYT]
* New Iraq report is vague enough that everybody can make up lies about it. [NYT]
* Hey you know all those crazy people that block the way into Starbucks whenever there’s a protest shouting about how we live in a police state? Looks like they’re sort of onto something. [WP]
* A classic Republican wedge issue has become an issue wedging Republicans — poetic irony to make your sixth grade English teacher smile. [The Hill]
* President Bush, troop supporter in chief, has chosen to support the troops by not only having no idea what’s best for them, but by not even bothering to take a guess, write it down, and send it to Congress. [Roll Call]
* After a summer of incompetently not running for president, Fred Thompson now applies what he knows about fucking up a non-bid to fucking up a declared bid. Run, Fred! Run! [Politico]
* Also, some of the industries that don’t support Fred Thompson include every industry he’s ever worked in. [LAT]

* Fred Thompson being in the race looks just about the same as Fred Thompson not being in the race. [WP]
* The thing is, we want to be done with this whole war thing now, but some panel that some government body ordered doesn’t think the Iraqis can take care of themselves for a year. [NYT]
* Larry Craig’s unresignation’s got people pissed that the gay thinks he can just stay in the Senate as long as he pleases, being all gay everywhere all the time. [The Hill]
* Democrats are going settle on some pussy type non-solution for Iraq that the Republicans will probably think of. [NYT]
* Tim Johnson’s back up in this motherfucker with a vengeance. [Politico]
* Everyone forgot that they were supposed to give a shit that Ted Kennedy has cast a gajillion Senate votes. [WP]

* There are two Larry Craigs: the man-fucking, guilty-pleading, Congress-resigning Larry Craig and the woman-loving, plea-withdrawing, resignation-rethinking Larry Craig. Neither one can think something through before they do it. [The Hill, Roll Call]
* If you thought the Democrats were speaking sternly about the war before, well, just wait til you hear how sternly they’re going to talk about it now. [NYT]
* Bill Clinton has something he wants to give you. [WP]
* When yards prove too big, try measuring in inches instead. [NYT]
* Like any good Republican, Fred Thompson knows how to squander a good thing. [Politico]
* Cheney is into some shit that made even the Republican majority cringe. [WP]
* There is no escaping her reach. [LAT]