Tag Archives: daily briefing

  gifzette daily briefing

Americans Gobble Up Lard, Lenders Don’t Gobble Up German Debt

NEW YORK—It’s Thanksgiving in America, which can only mean one thing: giant helium balloons have taken over New York City’s 7th Avenue for the 85th annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. OK, two things actually, since Thanksgiving in America also means crazy people pitching tents outside of Best Buy. Read more on Americans Gobble Up Lard, Lenders Don’t Gobble Up German Debt…
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Bombing Iran, Politicizing Turkey

New polling shows fully half of the nation would support an attack on Iran should the latest sanctions fail. Considering that the consensus at last night’s debate was that sanctions had already failed, we’re all basically living 2002 all over again. Read more on Bombing Iran, Politicizing Turkey…
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Super Committee Flops, Stocks Drop, Newt Glops

NEW YORK — In a surprise to no one who has any sort of functioning memory of Washington over the last decade (i.e. not the Beltway press), the supercommittee has failed. Gird yourselves now for the coming year of annoying politicians repeating annoying terms like “trigger” and “sequester. Hilariously, Wall Street plunged a couple of percentage points on the news yesterday, demonstrating once again that the people running Wall Street are exceptionally incapable goofballs who hadn’t yet accounted for the inevitable failure that 70% of the 99% were betting on. Read more on Super Committee Flops, Stocks Drop, Newt Glops…
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Gaddafi Seeks Deal To Let Him Escape Libya, Instead of Being Hanged

The bloodiest, craziest, most Gaddafiest revolution of 2011 (so far) got a little closer to the end as the West’s favorite dictator/basket case supposedly begged for a deal to let him and his family escape Libya alive. The rebel leadership thought about this for several seconds and then said, “Nah, dude.” Let this be a lesson to dictators and despots around the world: Don’t send military jet planes to bomb your own people just before asking them for a “deal.” According to the Wall Street Journal, “The rebel-led governing council, based in Benghazi, in eastern Libya, rejected the invitation and said it wasn’t sincere.” Meanwhile, the Obama Administration is maybe thinking about sending NATO some memo or whatever, perhaps a text message. If Obama loves Ronald Reagan so much, you would think Obama might remember how the Reagan Administration bombed the hell out of Libya in 1986, just to show everybody. Read more on Gaddafi Seeks Deal To Let Him Escape Libya, Instead of Being Hanged… Read more on Gaddafi Seeks Deal To Let Him Escape Libya, Instead of Being Hanged…
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Mubarak Hangs On, Opposition Calls For Million Egyptian March

Did the six decades of Egyptian military autocracy end while you slept? No, not yet. Hosni Mubarak has ordered the police back into the streets (some are apparently listening) and has apparently given “shoot to kill” orders to the nation’s army (which mostly posed for pictures and prevented mayhem over the weekend). Iranian propaganda outlet Press TV made the shoot-to-kill claims, the price of oil is shooting up due to Terrible Fear, and a very nervous bunch of high-rolling officials from all the other Arab autocracies are returning home from the Davos conference today, wondering if they need to have the servants pack up the households and escape to London. Oh, and Mubarak named his new cabinet. Things will be totally different now. Egypt has been run by its military brass since 1952. [Al Jazeera Live Stream/Bloomberg] Read more on Mubarak Hangs On, Opposition Calls For Million Egyptian March… Read more on Mubarak Hangs On, Opposition Calls For Million Egyptian March…
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Egypt On the Verge, Biden Praises Mubarak, Protests Spread To Yemen

How many awful, corrupt U.S. client states in the Middle East will collapse under the weight of immense daily protests? The anti-government movement in Egypt makes its biggest show today, with massive numbers of people filling the streets of nearly every big town. Hosni Mubarak’s government has responded in a slow, plodding way but is finally turning to large-scale violence and the usual authoritarian stunts that seem to just make people angrier — today, Egypt’s leadership has turned off every Internet access point and cell phone tower it can figure out how to shut down. Meanwhile, in Washington, Vice President Joe Biden praised Cairo’s 82-year-old dictator like this: “Mubarak has been an ally of ours in a number of things. And he’s been very responsible on, relative to geopolitical interest in the region, the Middle East peace efforts; the actions Egypt has taken relative to normalizing relationship with, with Israel …. I would not refer to him as a dictator.” Of course Hosni’s not a dictator! He listens to his masters in Washington! Meanwhile, the protests are heating up in Yemen, a desperately poor country that has been one of America’s punching bags for years whenever it needs to act “tough on terrorism” by having a billion-dollar robot death plane drop a few “smart bombs” on a goat farmer. [NYT/Guardian/ABC News/CSM] Read more on Egypt On the Verge, Biden Praises Mubarak, Protests Spread To Yemen… Read more on Egypt On the Verge, Biden Praises Mubarak, Protests Spread To Yemen…
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Sarah Palin Emerges From Hole, Sees Her Shadow, Says ‘WTF’

Have you been very worried about Alaska’s exurban fame monster Sarah Palin? Don’t worry! She crawled out of her winter den and saw her reflection in Greta Van Susteren’s plastic jaw, so this means we’ll have six thousand years of nuclear winter once Palin winds up becoming president (of the Breakaway Republic of Wasilla) in 2012. What did Palin think of Barack Obama’s popular centrist State of the Union speech? It’s impossible to tell, based on the words falling so loosely from her lips, but she did prove she also doesn’t know how to say the old Internet term “WTF,” which is pronounced “What the Fuck?” (She just spoke the letters, which is a blood libel against Fuck.) Oh yeah, we’ve got the video! And yeah, the Snowbilly is definitely in her “Fat Elvis” final days of narcotic confusion. [Media Matters] Read more on Sarah Palin Emerges From Hole, Sees Her Shadow, Says ‘WTF’… Read more on Sarah Palin Emerges From Hole, Sees Her Shadow, Says ‘WTF’…
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Obama Wins the Morning: 92% Who Watched Approved!

Granted, this is limited to people who admitted to watching the State of the Union, but those who did say they overwhelmingly approved of the mish-mash of Sputnik and Spending Cuts and “Clean Coal” that Obama presented to the nation as maybe some way that people might eventually get a job in America. 92% is a true Win the Morning/Future! A CNN poll found that 84% of those who watched had either a very positive or “somewhat positive” tingle down their leg after watching the SoTU, and a group of swing voters surveyed by another polling company went from 30% approval of Obama to 56% approval of Obama after simply watching the speech. Magic? We are going to have to go with “magic,” because if all it takes is a decently presented State of the Union with a lot of optimistic pipe dreams and cheerleading for the beloved “troops” who continue to be stuck in two awful lost causes forever because the White House and Pentagon want it that way, then magic is not limited to the wonderful world of Hogwarts and is now being practiced by our own “Hawaiian Dumbledore,” Barack Obama. [Politico/CNN/CBS News] Read more on Obama Wins the Morning: 92% Who Watched Approved!… Read more on Obama Wins the Morning: 92% Who Watched Approved!…
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Obama’s State of the Union Speech Is/Will Be Bad Because ….

Republican time travelers have a very strong argument against Barack Obama’s state of the union speech — the speech he will give tonight — and it basically goes like this: “Oh yeah, well then why doesn’t everyone have a job?” If, by chance, he announces that everyone as of this moment has a steady job, because of Magick, they will respond with “Oh yeah, and how are we supposed to afford that?” This is a pretty good response, either way, probably, as America’s political media and lobbyists and perhaps a few other oddballs here and there get ready for the anti-social event of the season. From Washington to Maryland to Northern Virginia, people who make their living from the political process will glumly/gladly watch Obama’s speech as Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or yell “You Lie!” Nothing compares to the excitement. Read more on Obama’s State of the Union Speech Is/Will Be Bad Because ……. Read more on Obama’s State of the Union Speech Is/Will Be Bad Because …….
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Anti-Business Obama Puts Another CEO In Charge of America

In a desperate bid to prove he worships Wall Street enough to be allowed to remain president, Barack Obama has appointed General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt to the new White House group that will decide if CEOs are being treated well enough. (Obama is also shutting down the economic recovery panel led by Paul Volcker.) It’s the latest move for a president who is extremely worried that some liberal on the Internet or all the voters who supported him in 2008 might think he’s some kind of commie softy who doesn’t know his place, which is to serve the nation’s biggest corporations with no questions asked. Obama went to the important “net roots” blog The Wall Street Journal earlier this week to assure his masters that the White House would aggressively target environmental laws and other potential problems for the American mega-businesses still doing some operations in America. And earlier this month, Obama picked a new White House chief of staff that better reflects his desire to be a better servant to Wall Street: JPMorgan Chase executive William Daley. [Politico/Wall Street Journal/Fair Warning] Read more on Anti-Business Obama Puts Another CEO In Charge of America… Read more on Anti-Business Obama Puts Another CEO In Charge of America…
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House Republicans Finally Try To Take Your Health Insurance Today

Now that everybody has forgotten the Tucson Massacre — when was that, anyhow? — House Republicans will finally fulfill their destiny today by impotently voting to repeal Health Care Reform. At this very moment, they’re “debating” on the House floor, holding up some old Ross Perot and Tea Party charts/signs and getting ready for easy passage of the bill. Why do they hate your health insurance so much? Because they believe in FREEDOM, the Jonathan Franzen novel nobody actually read (except House Republicans, on the first day of Congress this year). And to be fiscally responsible, the GOP Congress simply needs to add another $701 billion to the deficit, by repealing Obamacare. As for the half (or more) of all Americans who have “pre-existing conditions” that would keep them from buying medical coverage under the GOP’s repeal of Health Care Reform, isn’t it also true that more than half of Americans voted for Barack Obama? Let’s see how those people like dying in a pool of their own blood/urine in the halls of an overcrowded emergency room, ha ha. (The House repeal of Health Care Reform will not actually matter at all as the Senate will not do any such thing and Obama would veto it anyway.) Read more on House Republicans Finally Try To Take Your Health Insurance Today… Read more on House Republicans Finally Try To Take Your Health Insurance Today…
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Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!

Happy “Whoops, We Invaded Afghanistan” Day! (Of course, back then it was called “Operation Enduring Hooray We ‘Liberated’ Afghanistan from the Towelheads.”) Nine years ago today, America sat on its XXL fundillo and “channel surfed” for cool night-vision footage of Kabul exploding and CNN cellphone camera videos of Army Rangers killing (“liberating”) things. Everyone loved this “good war” so much, because Afghanistan was harboring a terrorist and what’s up with that. What are you supposed to get America for its almost-tenth wedding anniversary? Tin? So you should probably FedEx Karzai a tinfoil hat, so he’ll have something nice to wear/deflect alien death rays with when he surrenders to the Taliban, tomorrow. [Truthout] Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!… Read more on Happy Nine Years of Fighting for Nothing In Afghanistan!…
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Vanity Fair’s Sarah Palin Story Is Totally True, Says Vanity Fair

A mysterious person called “Gina Loudon” who allegedly lies about everything also allegedly lied when she claimed to know the reporter who wrote the new Vanity Fair Sarah Palin story, which claims (for the first time, we’re sure!) that Sarah Palin is a paranoid fraud who savagely destroys anyone who crosses her. VF writer Michael Joseph Gross has a new article on the magazine’s website claiming this Gina Loudon just makes up stuff and then Ben Smith of the Politico just repeats it — and then, the zombie-slob army of Palin worshipers all say (in unison, on Facebook), “Librul lamestream media lies to kill Trig.” So what was actually untrue in this latest magazine article about how Palin is a monster? Read more on Vanity Fair’s Sarah Palin Story Is Totally True, Says Vanity Fair… Read more on Vanity Fair’s Sarah Palin Story Is Totally True, Says Vanity Fair…
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Barbara Boxer Does Boxing Analogy To Carly Fiorina’s ‘Wall Street Values’

California heavyweight Barbara Boxer pulled no punches as she savagely pounded newcomer rival Carly Fiorina in a decision knockout filled with low blows and direct hits. Before a ringside audience outside San Francisco, Boxer dominated despite a height disadvantage (she literally stood her ground atop a wooden box) and Fiorina’s low blows and cheap shots. Fiorina, showing her roots as a nasty boardroom brawler better known for taking down her own entourage than for defeating opponents, was bloodied by Boxer’s repeated slams. What? You mean we don’t need to use all the boxing metaphors this morning? Okay, well Fiorina … got her ass handed to her? What sport is that? Read more on Barbara Boxer Does Boxing Analogy To Carly Fiorina’s ‘Wall Street Values’… Read more on Barbara Boxer Does Boxing Analogy To Carly Fiorina’s ‘Wall Street Values’…
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It’s Victory Wednesday: Punch the Economy For Iraq!

Did you stay up late watching the president’s four-second speech about the end of the “fightin’ part” of the 2003 U.S. invasion of Iraq? Then you must be feeling very victorious today, and ready to prosecute the next war against American Freedom, which is the war against the way we spent money we didn’t have on Chinese “consumer goods” we didn’t need but kept magically using Ancient Islam to make money come out of our genies (our mortgaged houses) by using the foreign-sounding “HELOC loans.” This is why Barack Obama and George W. Bush enjoyed a telephone chat yesterday, and why Robert Gates is in Baghdad right now about to give Iraq a certificate of attendance for having the shit blown out of it for a decade now. Read more on It’s Victory Wednesday: Punch the Economy For Iraq!… Read more on It’s Victory Wednesday: Punch the Economy For Iraq!…
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Barack Obama So Bored of Wingnuts Calling Him Muslim

Glenn Beck gathered 90,000 of his saddest friends from the senior center to have a picnic lunch on MLK’s grave Saturday, which was just a way for Glenn Beck to say to Obama, “When I called you a ‘racist,’ what I meant was some kind of vague crap about how you are not as Christian as I am, because I am some kind of ‘Mormon Convert,’ whatever that is.” Obama ignored this entirely, and instead told a secular teevee news host that it just doesn’t matter if some people who already hate black people prefer to just call the president a “Muslim” instead. But why do the Muslims all love Obama so much? It’s not like he quit bombing Afghanistan all the time! It’s not like he closed the American Torture Prison at Guantanamo Bay! Read more on Barack Obama So Bored of Wingnuts Calling Him Muslim… Read more on Barack Obama So Bored of Wingnuts Calling Him Muslim…