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Posts Tagged ‘daily briefing’

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DAILY BRIEFING

Happy Pre-Independence Day!

Friday, July 3rd, 2009
  • Profound economy-related insight: continued widespread unemployment is bad because “people without jobs tend not to spend much money.” [Washington Post]
  • Iran plans to try some local British embassy staff for fomenting unrest. Thank goodness the US doesn’t have any embassies in Iran! [New York Times]
  • The thug who replaced the other thug in Honduras said he’d be willing to hold elections soon, so as to appear less thuggish. [Los Angeles Times]
  • Senators are hard at work trying to figure out how to make future health care reform most closely resemble our current situation, so as to “control costs.” [Wall Street Journal]
  • A rare copy of the Declaration of Independence turned up in the British National Archives, answering definitively the question of whether the British had ever “gotten the memo.” [AP]
  • Sorry your bazillion-dollar new iPhone 3GS turns into a slab of molten lava when you try to use Wi-Fi during phone calls! CNET]

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Posted in Wonkette | 23 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Cat Finally Gets Mark Sanford’s Tongue

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009
  • Now that we don’t have to worry about Iraq anymore, we can start worrying about Afghanistan instead, where a “major operation” was just launched. [CNN]
  • Soon California won’t be able to pay its bills and it will start issuing IOUs scratched out on bits of scrap paper as “currency.” [AP]
  • Several of Michele Bachmann’s fellow Republicans have urged her to fill out her census form completely, so that the administrators of ACORN-run internment camps can track her down without wasting taxpayer dollars on a private investigator. [Washington Post]
  • What is the point of living, really, if you can’t have Vicodin? [ABC News]
  • The auctioning of Iraqi oil-development rights that went so well the process attracted one whole bidder was indeed a success because it showed the Iraqis weren’t going to whore themselves out to foreign oil companies. And that stunning success is why they’re going to move up bidding on a bunch of undeveloped or partially developed fields from late this year to “within the next few months.” [Wall Street Journal]
  • After days of caterwauling to the press about his forbidden love affair, crybaby blabbermouth Mark Sanford fell suddenly silent as people asked fewer questions about his girlfriend and more about when he was going to resign. [AP]

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Posted in Wonkette | 34 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Nation Of Uninsured Jobless Iraq-Forgetters

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
  • The black box of the most recent Airbus plane to crash in the water has been located. [BBC News]
  • The ousted president of Honduras threatens to return; the new president says he’ll be arrested if he does. [Washington Post]
  • Huzzah, the month of June saw the fewest job cuts since October of 2008 — a month which, you’ll recall, was pretty goddamn grisly, in terms of job cuts. [Reuters]
  • The first day of Iraq’s auctioning of oil-field development rights didn’t go so well after foreign companies balked at the paltry incentives the Iraqis were offering. Now Iraq’s cabinet is reviewing stuff and discussing the issue, which is to say, “talking it over with my manager,” exactly like a used car salesman. [AFP]
  • As American troops finally withdraw from Iraqi cities, WaPo’s Dan Balz asks, “Have we forgotten Iraq?” Iraq who? [Washington Post]
  • Another poll shows support, or not, for President Obama’s health care plan.[CNN]

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Posted in Wonkette | 23 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Ain’t No Cure For The Summertime Flu

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
  • Surprise! American troops have withdrawn from Iraqi cities. And many large, contrived celebrations were held throughout the land, attended by few, because most people stayed home out of fear they would be bombed. [New York Times]
  • A freight train carrying tanks of gas derailed and exploded while passing through a station in western Italy, killing at least 12 people. [CNN]
  • Speaking of trains, do not ride the Red Line, regardless of what city you’re in. Chicago’s Red Line killed a man early this morning.The man apparently jumped out in front of the train, but STILL. [WBBM 780]
  • Public health officials are seeing an alarming number of flu cases this summer, like more than they see in an average winter flu season, but that’s what happens when you have a global swine flu epidemic on your hands. [Washington Post]
  • The FDA tested a sample of the gross “dough-in-a-tube” delicacy from Nestlé and found E. coli in it. Article highlight: “The CDC said interviews with patients showed a high percentage of them ate raw Nestlé’s cookie dough before becoming sick. Most victims are teenage and preteen girls, the CDC said.” [Wall Street Journal]
  • For the first time, Iraq is auctioning off licenses to develop its oil reserves and allowing foreign companies to participate in the auction. [New York Times]

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Posted in Wonkette | 29 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Fate’s Fickle Finger Spares Vince Shlomi

Monday, June 29th, 2009
  • In response to American calls for a halt to settlement-building on the West Bank, Israel generously offers to halt construction for three to six months, except for those structures already in progress. And if they don’t get a peace settlement in that period of time then the whole thing’s off. Compromise! [New York Times]
  • Bernard Madoff faces sentencing this morning in New York. How many thousands of years will he serve in the digestive organs of a sand-beast, as preordained in the opening minutes of Return of the Jedi? [Guardian]
  • British embassy employees arrested in Iran on Wednesday have been released. [CNN]
  • The president of Honduras was escorted out of the country by military troops and nobody really knows what’s going on. A Google ad at the bottom of this report asks the vital question, “Want to Live in Honduras?” [BBC News]
  • Everybody you ever liked on television died this weekend: beloved OxiClean pitchman Billy Mays, 50s sitcom star Gale Storm, and impersonator Fred Travalena, “the man of a thousand faces voices.” [And Now a Break from Your Regularly Scheduled Blanket Coverage of Michael Jackson]
  • Also in celebrity news: Apple CEO Steve Jobs may have had an easier time securing a new liver due to his bottomless wealth. [Bloomberg]

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Posted in Wonkette | 40 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

We Can’t Wait For The New ‘Philandering Politician’ iPhone App

Friday, June 26th, 2009
  • In this crazy mixed-up world, in which one Republican adulterer scandal quickly pushes another Republican adulterer scandal off the front page, only to be superceded by a celebrity death, which is superceded by another celebrity death that very same day, one thing remains constant: bombings in Baghdad. [New York Times]
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad very predictably accused the US of meddling in Iran’s affairs, and President Obama’s people very predictably said, “Have you noticed how we are keeping out mouths shut about this?” [BBC News]
  • A whole bunch of sanctimonious politicians were mean to Bill Clinton in the 90s, when they should have said, “Bill Clinton has done an awesome thing, cheating on his wife,” so that they would not be called hypocrites a decade later when they were caught cheating on their own wives. [ABC News]
  • Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have declared that blood diamonds from Zimbabwe are bad. [AP]
  • Among the many ambitious reform items on President Obama’s plate, immigration reform is among the more likely to have to wait till next year. [New York Daily News]
  • Two things you won’t find at the Apple App Store: the “kill the baby by shaking it” game, and pornography. So really, what’s the point of these dumb phones? [TechCrunch]

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Posted in Wonkette | 48 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Dinosaur Basement Man Was Blindsided By Argentinian Firecracker

Thursday, June 25th, 2009
  • People desperate for work are looking farther afield from their Depression-stricken hometowns, and will sleep at or near their place of employment even if it means staying in a tiny moldy shack most of the week. [Wall Street Journal]
  • If Warren Buffett had a liver transplant, he would tell his shareholders about it instead of creeping around all stealthy-like, as Steve Jobs did. [Bloomberg]
  • A Chinese official basically called Google a bunch of pornographers, and then Google service in China was disrupted. Coincidence???? [ChannelWeb]
  • The body of the pilot and a steward are among the more than 50 recovered from the Air France wreckage off the Brazilian cost. Still no black box, though. [Washington Post]
  • Now Republicans hate Ben Bernanke, so Democrats have to like him. [Reuters]
  • Tom Davis, the Jurassic Park dweller mentioned several times in Governor Sanford’s tearful press conference yesterday, said he was as shocked as everybody else to learn about Sanford’s affair. [ABC News]

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Posted in Wonkette | 36 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Dick Cheney To Chronicle Dangerous Sex Addiction, Secret Black Baby In Potboiler Memoir ‘Vice: The Making Of A President’

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
  • Most Americans are in favor of healthcare reform, as long as nothing changes. [Washington Post]
  • Iranian authorities may be able to crush dissent, but they cannot crush the mighty titan Twitter. [Los Angeles Times]
  • President Obama ratcheted up his rhetoric on Iran, which will surely please such important Iranian luminaries as John McCain and Lindsey Graham. [Bloomberg]
  • Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi doesn’t have to pay women for sex. Women pay him for sex. [Times Online]
  • Dick Cheney sold his memoirs for $2 million to a Simon & Schuster imprint run by the eardrum-lacerating Fraggle Mary Matalin. [Reuters]
  • Jon and Kate, everyone! They’re the new Levi and Bristol, chronicling the details of their breakup loudly and in public to the embarrassment of everyone except Larry King. [AP]

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Posted in Wonkette | 34 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Will We Ever Find The ‘Black Box’ From The Wrecked Gosselin Marriage?

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
  • Iran’s Guardian Council, having witnessed “no major fraud or breach” in the recent election, said that there would be no do-overs and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be sworn into office by mid-August. [Telegraph]
  • Iranian authorities are trying to prevent the young woman who was shot by the Basij from becoming a martyr and a symbol of the popular protests against the election. Good luck with that! [Times Online]
  • French military ships detected “sounds” as they trolled the Atlantic for evidence from the crashed Air France flight, but the noises were not coming from the missing black boxes … they were coming from inside the house. [AP]
  • Circa-2005 social networking titan MySpace is laying off an assload of international staff. [MarketWatch]
  • Soon, Jon and Kate Gosselin will join Nadya Suleman in becoming the single parents of way too many goddamned kids under the age of 10. [Entertainment Weekly]
  • So long, Ed McMahon! The famous sidekick has died at age 86. [CNN]

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Posted in Wonkette | 29 Comments »

DAILY BRIEFING

Forecast: Jobless With A Chance Of Swine Flu

Monday, June 22nd, 2009
  • Get ready for another jobless recovery, America! Unemployment is expected to rise even as the country begins to emerge from the recession. [Washington Post]
  • A hiker who went missing for three days in the Cascades just walked out of the woods, alive and everything. [Seattle Times]
  • New Zealand expects its swine flu cases to rise precipitously, because there is nothing better to do in New Zealand than catch the flu. [Wall Street Journal]
  • Iranians are using cell phone video to record all manner of grisly injustice that the established media cannot. [Guardian]
  • Nearly three-quarters of Americans support a public health-care plan, but thankfully, Congress doesn’t listen to polls. [ABC News]
  • The medical school student accused of being the Craigslist killer will be formally arraigned today. [New York Times]

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DAILY BRIEFING

North Korea Does Not Care For Leis Or Poi

Friday, June 19th, 2009
  • Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, having taken a close look at the election results, says there’s nothing to see here so move it along folks unless you want to get murdered in the streets by pro-government militias. [Los Angeles Times]
  • President Obama hoped that expanding healthcare coverage would cost in the neighborhood of a trillion dollars, but instead it is looking more like $1.6 trillion, which is making everybody in government wet their panties in horror and frustration. [Washington Post]
  • Rumor has it that North Korea may fire off test missiles in Hawaii’s direction around July 4, just to be dicks. (They wouldn’t actually make it to Hawaii.) [Christian Science Monitor]
  • It took a while, but formal fraud charges were finally filed against the mustachioed Texas cricket mogul Allen Stanford and now he’s in FBI custody. [AFP]
  • Swine flu has claimed its first Australian victim: a 26-year-old Aboriginal male. [Bloomberg]
  • It appears the Basque separatist group ETA is still up to its old tricks. A policeman was recently killed by car bomb in Bilbao, and pretty much the only people who would care to do such a thing are members of ETA. [New York Times]

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