Our last, best hope for Washington — that it would be destroyed by the horrible emergence of subterranean monstrosities — came tantalizingly close to reality on Tuesday, when a magnitude 2.0 earthquake shook the D.C. area. What was it, and why is the government claiming and then denying responsibility for the loud booms from Beneath the Earth?
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The most widespread form of "life" in Washington is the common Norway Rat, which completely owns the miserable District. Like most stunned bumpkins forced by bad luck or weird morals to the nation's foul capital, the new editor of Reason magazine is horrified to find that dog-sized vermin live in every home, even the White House.
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And a sad story becomes sadder still: Deborah Jeane Palfrey was found hanging dead in a storage shed behind her mother's Florida mobile home. Many pages of "handwritten suicide notes" were reportedly found in the shed by the Tarpon Springs police. Read the weird transcript, after the jump.
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Forty years ago tonight, Washington burned, baby, burned — just as so many other cities burned after Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination. And it only took about 40 years to fix up some of the destroyed neighborhoods along H Street NE, 14th and U, and various other chunks of the District that ended up looking like Hiroshima after the Bomb. And now Wonkette's own Liz Glover says the National Guard actually burnt D.C. to the ground, not the freaked-out rioters.
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This week, George Will is sure going to be bummed when Borders shuts down for good, and one of you recognized a fireman or something. You people are not really being very good spies and operatives, are you? We realize nobody cares about anything but Barack Obama these days and all the famous-for-D.C. people are either recuperating at home or out on somebody's campaign trail, but Jesus Christ, how about a few sightings?
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Fears of a massive rat & roach spring swarm have crippled much of the District this evening as horrified office workers and other war profiteers watch major thoroughfares blocked off by mounted police while 20-foot-tall "rat proofing" concrete barriers are raised from Georgetown to Foggy Bottom. Law enforcement officials are keeping quiet about the real reasons for the horror stampede, and many locals fear for their lives. What the living hell is going on?
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Outrage has swept the nation following revelations that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer probably paid $4300 to meet with a high-priced call girl in Washington D.C. Sure, everybody's horrified and baffled that such a straight shooter would violate the sacred marital bond and betray his constituents' trust. But the real puzzler is this: isn't $4300 a little on the steep side for a lady of the night? Who does this guy think he is, Howard Hughes?
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Lobbyist-lover John McCain has a lot of problems, including being 712 years old and completely hated by his party, the Republicans. Another problem he has is with the "social conservatives" — you know, the sort of people he never has to deal with because he's a rich elitist Washington liberal with a cougar gazillionaire wife and any number of adopted liberal babies. So what does he tell the religious white voters down in Georgia on Friday? He calls his hometown of D.C. the "City of Satan," that's what. McCain has lived and worked in Washington for three decades. [NBC 4]
Every four or maybe eight years, magazines start dressing various famous people in wacky “presidential campaign” costumes and photographing them (surrounded by red, white and blue bunting) for cover stories that may or may not have something to do with the person and/or the campaign. It is one of our most cherished traditions, going back to when Poor Richard’s Almanac had a cover woodcut of Hester Prynne in a red thong, addressing the Constitutional Convention.
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