Some silly scamps labor under the grave misconception that our president is a bird, or a giraffe, or a unicorn. But no, Obama is a wee baby rhinoceros, born in a Ugandan zoo to a Kenyan father and an American mother. This is why the Birthers have been unable to find any Kenyan documents about him! Because they’re all in Uganda, you see. [Telegraph]

Rush Limbaugh, grr! The other day he brought up on his radio show the oft-cited observation that your dog’s penicillin costs 25 cents while your own penicillin costs 25 dollars, which sucks for you, or something to that effect, and blah blah blah free markets and healthcare. WHATEVER. The point is his girlfriend has a very charming Old English Sheepdog that bears a startling resemblance to Bo Obama. However, this sheepdog will grow up to be a huge badass herding wookie, while Bo will just sort of look like a fucked-up Poodle, so Rush Limbaugh’s girlfriend clearly wins this round. (Also: Rush Limbaugh has a girlfriend?) [The Rush Limbaugh Show]

Oh look, it’s more pictures of Our Barry back at Occidental College, before he was “radicalized” and decided to forge his live birth certificate! (FACT: Did you know that Ann “Stanley” Dunham had sex with a space monster somewhere over the Atlantic and bore the spawn in Indonesia, which is illegal? Barack Obama has no “certificate of live birth” because he was hatched from an egg. This is also illegal.) Anyway, the point is: adorable. [Huffington Post]

Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. MORE »