All you people have already read American Wife, right? If you did, you already know the “secret ending” to Laura Bush’s memoirs, which involves a Venezuelan sex orgy and nuclear war. But for those fans who can’t get enough of the First Lady, she will pen an Official Account of her life. The tentative title is Why Nice Librarians Should Not Marry Ignorant Clowns. MORE »

With over 130 submissions to the highly exclusive and prestigious “Tell us which first lady you like, as long as it wasn’t trampy Mrs. Fillmore” contest and only 10 copies of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife to give, your chances of winning this thing were roughly equivalent to your chances of getting into Harvard last year. Ah, but the special privileges that society accords the Wonkette book contest winner!

Many of you wrote that you liked Eleanor Roosevelt, because she was a pleasant lesbian with an overbite; Senator William Rufus King, also known as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy,” for being bachelor president James Buchanan’s secret first lady; and Betty Ford, on account of the drugs. MORE »

In a mere twelve-ish hours or so, Wonkette’s one-time-only “name your favorite First Lady” contest will close. So check out the Official Rules here and send in your wonderful 25-word Idears (that is what famous First Lady Howard Dean calls them) to tips@wonkette.com by noon tomorrow with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE. You might just win yourself a copy of that book, American Wife! Meanwhile, if you do not participate in this contest, you will be forced to chant “Nancy Reagan” into a mirror five times until the ghost of Jane Wyman shows up and murders you with a rusty eyelash curler.

Hey Wonkette readers, are some of you “into” actual books? Here is your chance to win one, for free: a galley copy of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife, which tackles the difficult question of why a tasteful librarian with all the apparent trappings of a human soul would end up married to a snickering idiot jock who likes bombing things. Just write to tips@wonkette.com by noon o’clock Eastern on Wednesday with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE and tell us, in 25 words or less, who your favorite first lady is. The ten lucky winners will be announced Friday. More rulez ‘n stuff after the jump. MORE »

Once upon a time, Curtis Sittenfeld wrote a funny thing for Salon about her terrible case of Nell Freudenberger envy. Then she wrote two best-selling novels and now she has another novel coming out in September: a piece of RACY SPECULATIVE FICTION that is totally obviously about Laura Bush! If Wonkette had a Book Club for Fancy Ladies and Gentlemen, this might be an inaugural selection. Lesbians, abortions, and sexy sex quotations via Radar after the jump. MORE »