Wonkette

For some reason, Mittens posted this New Hampshire Cummer vacation video on his YouTubes the day after the New Hampshire primary. For shame! The real Mitt shines here — making smores, calling his kids “morons,” taking his shirt off (you only see his back, no nip) — on his, you know, luxury New Hampshire estate. Coulda be a winner. Coulda, woulda, won’t. [YouTube]

Crap crap crap, it’s Blowvember 30 and we haven’t settled on a name for December yet! We’re not even going to attempt to make this diamonds/pearls-esque decision, so, um… small request… you do it? After the jump, our poll (which will be open until we arbitrarily close it sometime later today): What shall we call December? And if people bitch about the winner later on, we’ll just pass all blame on Ben Johnson. MORE »

Are YOU a social conservative who publicly denounces gay sex? If yes, then you probably had gay sex last month! Cocktober 2007 was a whirlwind of hypocrisy on the Republican side; and as much as last month proved that our country probably only has five to six more years before it finally implodes, well… did you have a good time watching it all cum down? Let’s let the toothpaste out of the tuber and bring in Blowvember by honoring that which came before it with… A gallery of 2007’s Cocktober All Stars! MORE »

Oh boy. So: Rudy Giuliani once hired a Catholic priest to work for his consulting company, and this priest still works there. Boss Giuliani must have been impressed by the business acumen of the priest, whose resume probably listed “Jesus = Ca$h” under “special skills.” Other special skills the priest, Monsignor Alan Placa, possesses: proficiency in Microsoft Word, extensive knowledge of the Bible, prolonged history of child molestation allegations. Giuliani was aware Placa had faced child molestation charges months before he hired him in 2002. But he didn’t care then, and he doesn’t care now. He is the one person in the world who doesn’t care. MORE »

Amid allegations that his son, on-leave Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts, and daughter-in-law, Lindsay Roberts, were hiring perverted hobbits and having sex with 16-year-old hobbits (respectively), Oral “the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female” Roberts himself has returned to the Tulsa school for the first time in three years. Mostly to talk about Satan, an archetypal figure we fully endorse. MORE »

As the Endless Cummer winds down and the leaves on trees transition to Cocktober’s reds, oranges and yellows, more public, conservative loudmouths are disclosing sexual proclivities with little boys, little girls and manly goats. What great stories must lie in wait for Blowvember.

The latest mega-pederast is Michael Graham, a Boston conservative radio host, coiner of “America is at war with Islam” and a graduate of untainted Oral Roberts University. Last night was one of those rare nights where someone watched the insufferable Glenn Beck show on CNN Headline News, and Graham guested to discuss the issue of giving out condoms and stuff to kids in middle school. Graham obviously argued against, but his performance only strengthened the case for offering preventatives — at least for whenever Michael Graham visits school. MORE »

“A 33-year-old former youth minister of an Alabaster church has been charged with crossing state lines to have sex with a minor. Donald Brent Page of Calera is accused of traveling to Memphis on Oct. 6 to meet who he thought was a 13-year-old girl for sex, according to an affidavit prepared by an investigator with the Memphis FBI Crimes Against Children Task Force.” [Birmingham News]

Oral Roberts University President Richard Roberts announced yesterday that he will take a leave of absence from his position of 14 years. It comes in the wake of a lawsuit filed by three ex-ORU professors claiming that Roberts and the administration knowingly employed a proven sexual deviant and let him run all willy-nilly about campus. The lawsuit also accused his wife, Lindsay Roberts, of screwing a 16-year-old boy, a situation in which we fail to see the controversy. MORE »