Imaginary Democratic vice presidential frontrunner Gov. Tim Kaine is now being harassed by the press all over his weird state of Virginia. He told reporters this morning that he doesn’t “have any idea about where the process is” and he hasn’t talked to Obama “for a number of weeks, since before his trip.” He is already the Vice President of Lies, it seems. But where did he tell reporters these terrible lies? “Kaine, widely rumored to be at the top of Obama’s veep short list, attended the annual Chincoteague Pony Swim this morning with his 13-year old daughter.” Oh, how predictable: our would-be second black vice president is a deranged horse-drowning fetishist. MORE »

As they enter year six of John McCain’s thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old “Jesus” and “Allah.” They’re in the mood for something new…different…mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty. MORE »

A mysterious ninja-type figure was recently seen running along Rock Creek between Woodley Park and Montrose Park, throwing “an azure-colored granular material” on the ground. Sometimes there seemed to be a pattern to this ninja’s artful splatters as they formed “X”s and “O”s. Was this some urban form of crop circles? A summons to ancient Mayan gods? Anthrax? MORE »

The Apologetics and the North American Mission Board, an agency of the Southern Baptist Convention, really, really want you to be safe from destructive cults. You know, like the People’s Temple folks who committed mass suicide in Guyana or the Branch Davidians in Texas who died in rain of fire? They don’t want that to happen to you! So, they have some tips on avoiding cults to help you parse wacky religions that want you to kill yourself, including a helpful guide to the most popular cults in North America!

MORE »

Wherever disaster strikes, there they are by the dozens — assisting victims, offering help and support. “They’re helping the Red Cross, helping with logistical organization — food, directing traffic and one-on-one counseling,” all in the name of charity. At Ground Zero. In New Orleans. At Virginia Tech. And now, of course, in Minneapolis, at the site of the 35W bridge collapse. We’re speaking, of course, of Scientologists, America’s Angels. MORE »

Former President George H. W. Bush will deliver the keynote address at a ceremony honoring the Washington Times’ 25th birthday this May. Also appearing: Times founder the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who, you might remember, is the Messiah. And the King of the Ocean, but it’s in his role as the Messiah that he goes around demanding churches throw out their crosses and start worshipping him instead. MORE »

Boy, just when you think Reverend Sun Myung Moon — cult leader, Messiah, owner of the Washington Times, and king of the ocean — can’t get any weirder, he goes and becomes a shark poacher. MORE »

Because the November midterms and the ‘08 White House race are supposed to be all about Iraq, it’s good to check the war news now and then. So we did, and the usual blood & despair has some exciting new elements that Lord of the Rings fans will love! MORE »

Pictured: Senator Barbara Boxer of California, announcing the Democratic Senate majority’s new “Forced Cult Marriages For All” initiative with brainwashed robot bride Katie Holmes.

* Convenience, Value, and Service for speed freaks with just a little Kafka-esque hassle for everyone else. [Cruel Sommer] MORE »

Ten kinds of crazy going on in this Chicago Tribune piece about Reverend Sun Myung Moon and his, uh, stranglehold on the sushi industry. Yeah, we didn’t know that one either. So, as the tipster who brought this piece to our attention noted, every California roll you eat helps subsidize the quality, money-losing journalism of the Washington Times. And who knew cornering an industry could sound so simple? MORE »