Tag Archives: cults

  jesus loves you (to murder everyone)

Wives! Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can Kill ‘Em, According to Charismatic ‘Ex’-Gay Christian-Orgy Cult Leader

Tyler Deaton is a handsome young man. He met his wife, Bethany, in prayer group at college. He was so charismatic that by his senior year, he’d convinced a bunch of hot dudes to leave the school-sanctioned Christian fellowship at Southwestern in Texas, and join him in Kansas City instead, so they could be close to the International House of Prayer, which had a kickin’ youth fellowship, mega-awesome Christian jamz, and the kind of “gays-are-demons” stances that appeal to young “ex”-gays. Once in Kansas City, they started meeting for Wednesday night prayer meetings and (ALLEGED) hot gay “spiritual” sex parties and (ALLEGED) Bethany-drugging, -raping, and -beating. “He believed God could fix things,” a student said. That included, Deaton told people, fixing himself. One of his group’s stark positions on Scripture was that homosexuality was wrong. Deaton’s stance against it weighed heavily because members said he had “struggled with being gay.” “He struggled with it, but he overcame it,” a member of his group at Southwestern said. “It was a victory.” Her husband having overcome his homosexuality (except for the part where being ex-gay means you can’t bone dudes), in October, Bethany unaccountably killed herself. Or did she? (Hint: She probably did not?) Read more on Wives! Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can Kill ‘Em, According to Charismatic ‘Ex’-Gay Christian-Orgy Cult Leader…
  bewitched

Witch Endorses Cultist

Regretful teen-aged witch Christine O’Donnell has endorsed bland gazillionaire flip-flopper Mitt Romney — or, to the Newt Gingrich campaign, Mitt Romney the cultist. Why endorse Mitt? According to O’Donnell’s appearance on CNN this morning, it’s because “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” Uhh. Read more on Witch Endorses Cultist…
  this is halloween

Foreclosure Mill Law Firm Costume Fun: Dress As Homeless Families

The first reaction most decent people will have when seeing these pictures of last year’s Halloween costume party at the foreclosure mill law offices of Steven J. Baum is overwhelming disgust and nausea, followed by an overwhelming desire to storm these offices on Monday and “make an example.” But the employees of Steven J. Baum are, ultimately, wage slaves to the institutionalized cruelty and dehumanization that defines America’s economic system. The people pictured here look like legal assistants and secretaries and paralegals and receptionists and file clerks and low-level litigators, all probably underwater on their own mortgages and all much closer to economic catastrophe than they’d care to admit — this firm is in a suburb of Buffalo, after all. It is crucial that the Steven J. Baums of the world force their own wage slaves into opposition against the rest of the nation’s wage slaves. This is why Oakland’s police officers, many of them military veterans, are so ready to viciously attack other military veterans. It’s why a “Tea Party” of Ron Paul supporters was hijacked by the billionaire Koch Brothers and turned into a manufactured outrage of middle-class whites against middle-class whites (and the minorities and lower classes, as always). Read more on Foreclosure Mill Law Firm Costume Fun: Dress As Homeless Families…
  the special people

BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public

Today, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to protest soldiers’ funerals, because we have this principle in America called “free speech.” Or rather it would have been unanimous, if the Court didn’t have remarkable civil-liberties troll Samuel Alito sitting on it. In Alito’s dissent, he said the protest amounted to “fighting words.” We have no idea how that differs from “fightin’ words” as in “them’s fightin’ words,” which we always thought were legal, albeit not too bright for a fella like yous, but we assume it’s a meaningless term Sam Alito just made up so he could give the government more power over speech. Anyway, the important takeaway is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “God Hates Soldiers” in public, but private citizen Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all. Read more on BREAKING: Someone’s Stopping Sarah Palin From Saying ‘God’ In Public…
  iron sharpens iron

Banal Corporate Excellence Cult Looking For Recruits

Future and/or current Washingtonians! Are you looking for a shared housing situation in a walkable neighborhood near downtown and the Metro, but aren’t sure if you’ll be able to handle keep a detailed log of all your pooping? Why not live in Revolution House? The name might make you think that you’re going to be earnestly discussing ways to promote Hugo Chavez’s philosophy at home and abroad, but it’s actually “part fraternity, part social club and part the new MBA.” Assuming that those three components don’t sound like a recipe for suicide either in isolation or combination, you might enjoy paying $1700 a month to read Tony Robbins and Dale Carnegie aloud in closely supervised 30-hour “self-education” sessions until you start speaking in tongues. Read more on Banal Corporate Excellence Cult Looking For Recruits…
 

Chuck Norris Is Your New Godhead

As they enter year six of John McCain’s thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old “Jesus” and “Allah.” They’re in the mood for something new…different…mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty. Read more on Chuck Norris Is Your New Godhead…
 

Sinister Chalk Vandal Is Loose In DC Parks

A mysterious ninja-type figure was recently seen running along Rock Creek between Woodley Park and Montrose Park, throwing “an azure-colored granular material” on the ground. Sometimes there seemed to be a pattern to this ninja’s artful splatters as they formed “X”s and “O”s. Was this some urban form of crop circles? A summons to ancient Mayan gods? Anthrax? Read more on Sinister Chalk Vandal Is Loose In DC Parks…
 

Southern Baptists Want You To Be Safe, Baptist

The Apologetics and the North American Mission Board, an agency of the Southern Baptist Convention, really, really want you to be safe from destructive cults. You know, like the People’s Temple folks who committed mass suicide in Guyana or the Branch Davidians in Texas who died in rain of fire? They don’t want that to happen to you! So, they have some tips on avoiding cults to help you parse wacky religions that want you to kill yourself, including a helpful guide to the most popular cults in North America! Read more on Southern Baptists Want You To Be Safe, Baptist…
 

A Spiritual Response to the 35W Bridge Tragedy

Wherever disaster strikes, there they are by the dozens — assisting victims, offering help and support. “They’re helping the Red Cross, helping with logistical organization — food, directing traffic and one-on-one counseling,” all in the name of charity. At Ground Zero. In New Orleans. At Virginia Tech. And now, of course, in Minneapolis, at the site of the 35W bridge collapse. We’re speaking, of course, of Scientologists, America’s Angels. Read more on A Spiritual Response to the 35W Bridge Tragedy…
 

Bush I, King of Peace to Reunite for One Last Show

Former President George H. W. Bush will deliver the keynote address at a ceremony honoring the Washington Times’ 25th birthday this May. Also appearing: Times founder the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who, you might remember, is the Messiah. And the King of the Ocean, but it’s in his role as the Messiah that he goes around demanding churches throw out their crosses and start worshipping him instead. Read more on Bush I, King of Peace to Reunite for One Last Show…
 

J.R.R. Tolkien Now Writing Iraq War Script

Because the November midterms and the ’08 White House race are supposed to be all about Iraq, it’s good to check the war news now and then. So we did, and the usual blood & despair has some exciting new elements that Lord of the Rings fans will love! Read more on J.R.R. Tolkien Now Writing Iraq War Script…
 

WTF California

Pictured: Senator Barbara Boxer of California, announcing the Democratic Senate majority’s new “Forced Cult Marriages For All” initiative with brainwashed robot bride Katie Holmes.
 

Metro Section: Amerika’s Capital Loves Ya!

* Convenience, Value, and Service for speed freaks with just a little Kafka-esque hassle for everyone else. [Cruel Sommer] * If you thought the weirdest thing about Carol Schwartz was that she got elected as a Republican in D.C., here’s a link for ya. [DC Urban Family] Read more on Metro Section: Amerika’s Capital Loves Ya!…
 

Your Fancy Dinner Last Night? That’s Another Pinstripe Suit for Tony Blankley

Ten kinds of crazy going on in this Chicago Tribune piece about Reverend Sun Myung Moon and his, uh, stranglehold on the sushi industry. Yeah, we didn’t know that one either. So, as the tipster who brought this piece to our attention noted, every California roll you eat helps subsidize the quality, money-losing journalism of the Washington Times. And who knew cornering an industry could sound so simple? Read more on Your Fancy Dinner Last Night? That’s Another Pinstripe Suit for Tony Blankley…